The stuff with The Nigerian has been a big distraction, diverting my attention from what's really going on with me, also kind of adding to the distress of what I already feel.
I feel like I've made a mess of my life. I have too much time on my hands and not enough time. It's not enough time because I'm not using it properly. At the same time, I just feel like everything I thought I wanted isn't really what I want anymore and I have to try and rebuild my life from the ground up. Sometimes, I'm not sure if my life has any meaning.
There's no one that I can really TALK to about this in my immediate circle. I feel like their reactions would be the same...mild reassurance that everything is okay - more reassuring of themselves that everything is fine with me because if things aren't fine with me, then...idk. I'm the rock of my friends. I've found myself leaning on them more and more and while scary, sometimes they surprise me.
I don't sleep at night. In the past 2 weeks, the earliest I went to sleep was at 2am. That was because BFF gave me a gin and tonic. I'm not being productive while I'm not sleeping. I'm reading or watching random tv shows or masturbating or just staring off, my mind blank for a significant amount of time. My apartment is a mess. My space always reflects what I'm going through.
I finally doze off at about 5 or 6am and then I sleep until 1pm. Wake up and try to do something productive...something to preserve this outward appearance that I'm okay. People buy it. Maybe I should've been an actress.
I want to talk to someone but really...what will be said? I'm not suicidal or anyting but I think sitting down and saying to someone, I think my life is worthless right now will ring some alarms. I feel catatonic...like the fish in a bowl watching everything move around me.
I don't know what to do to break the seal around my life...break the shell.
Something has got to give. I need to find a job. I need to make some money. I need to shake myself loose.