Sunday, September 26, 2010


I took the medication about an hour ago and now its beginning to work...meaning, I'm light-headed, my stomach is beginning to shred, my throat is on fire from coughing so much....and I'm feeling reflective.

(This may be a long one)

Being sick for so long has taught me the meaning of friendship. Some people are incapable of certain types of friendship. BFF is a nurturer. She will make me tea, she will force-feed me...she will make me go to the doctor. J is not a nurturer. He's incapable of dealing with major issues. He shuts down. I was coughing so bad, I couldn't talk the other day over the phone because he insists on calling me although I told him my cough is aggravated by talking. What does he do? He mocks my cough. Twin is in-between. He feels helpless but he'll pay for stuff for me. Ask if I'm okay. I feel his love. My mom is not my friend. She should be but she never has been and I shouldn't expect it although she expects it of me. I've been to every doctor visit she's told me about. I've brought her stuff when she's sick. I'm there. I'm just playing my part.

I want my man to be my friend.

TN called me twice today. I'm not impressed with his "effort" nor did I really want him to come in with guns blazing trying to woo me back.

Last night, I youtubed Jill Scott singing "Slowly Surely" live and oh my gosh....if you've never heard the the studio version and then the live. In this concert, at the end of the song she points to her head and sings Listen. She points to her heart and sings Listen. She points to her vagina and sings Listen. It was the most poignant thing for me.

If I'd have listened to either of those 3 things, I would have left TN alone after the 3rd date. I was clouded. By what? I'll get back to you.

All day I've been saying to myself, "He's not even remotely the man you want or need. He doesn't want to be but he doesn't want to lose you. Not because he cares but because he wants you in his harem. He's not worth that. You're worth more. Be better than this situation."

Enough about that.
I knew I'd lost some weight when the jeans I bought 2 weeks ago and had to squeeze into went on without a hitch. I met up with Twin and the 1st thing he said was..."Omg, you lost so much weight. Is it safe to hug you?"
He and I went book-shopping at Barnes and Noble in Union Square. I researched books I wanted to read thinking the Af-American fiction would be separate. It wasn't and I couldn't find the books I wanted. So, I aimlessly searched for a book and ended up with this Haruki Murakami. I'm a little annoyed because the description on the back of the book praised the writer more than telling the reader what the eff its about. I remember his debut novel had great reviews and they take place in Japan so I figured, why not? If its bad, I'm going to rip it to shreds in my review. Afterward, Twin and I got food at McDonald's and then walked 4 blocks to a dvd spot, perused the aisles and I felt like my muscles were waking up. We walked (very slowly) 3 long blocks to the train and by then the McD's needed to come out. Took the train to downtown BK. Waited for the bus and took my medicine just as the bus came. Its a 45 minute ride home. 15 minutes in, I started coughing so bad, the person sitting in front of me changed seats. By the time I got off the bus, I kept telling myself...just get home, Nina...just get home. I don't know if I felt weak...I just felt like I'd pushed it. I felt fine - just a little tired - until I took the damn antibiotic! Waiting for tomorrow. The moment I start coughing, I'm going to the ER. I've kind of accepted that's what's going to happen. I would be very surprised if I woke up all better but y'know my sisters are praying for me...their church is praying for never know.
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1 comment:

Monique said...

I'm going to chalk this up to your body being out of wack with the weather changing. I really hope you feel better, physically and emotionally. Sometimes our bodies just need to purge and reset.Hang in there, sugar.