Tuesday, September 21, 2010


i've told my friends that i'm fighting the urge to slip into a depression but i'm already here in it.
they don't understand what it means to be depressed. they think it means you're sad and most sadness just passes by naturally right??
I have to psych myself up for every single task. like, ok...nina, you need to get up and shower. ok, we're getting up in 5 minutes. ok, let's break down what goes into this shower...get up, get a clean pair of undies, get your towel, walk to the bathroom, turn on the water....ok, lets get up at the count of 10. 1-2-3-4... literally, this is the mental process it takes to get anything accomplished. if i'm not crying, staring off into space or sleeping...i'm forcing myself to eat, not really liking that sick to my stomach feeling i get from not eating all day...i know that feeling too well or i'm forcing myself to send out job applications. most days, if i step outside my house, i'm lucky. i try and make appointments with friends or solid plans because it will force me to get up and go somewhere. all my friends know i'm methodically on time and i always look a certain way...cute outfit and makeup and so if i show up late looking like a bum, they'll be alarmed. its just that doing so takes so much effort in my state and it takes me 2 hours to get ready instead of 30-45 minutes.

the person who is probably feeling the brunt of my depression is my grandmother. i haven't seen her since thursday and she needs me to do some stuff for her which i haven't done because i just don't have the energy. when i miss a bunch of days, she gets worried and there's no one else to help me take on the responsibility...so, i just have to puuuuuuuuuuuush.
in the meantime, no one knows the whole picture of what's going on....either way i really doubt my friends know how to try and pull me up or that i could trust them enough to allow them to anyway. with most things, i have to help myself. i guess i'm just fighting one battle at a time.

I found this on postsecret this weekend and it spoke to me so loudly....i've pulled back from my friends because i'm always the bubbly big sister (although every one of them is older than me) and I listen for hours....they know something is wrong with me but they're like...just get better already....so, instead of having to explain why i'm not getting better or trying to make new ish up on why ive been in the bed for 2 weeks, i just pull back. easier on everyone involved.


GorgeousPuddin said...

I'm so sorry you don't have anybody to lean on during this trying time! I know how you feel about being Ms. bubbly. Nobody knows how to care for the one that always cares. You are doing right by continuing to get up and move! Keep doing that! Having something to do keeps your mind busy. Keep pushing lady!

I don't know your religion but talk to God and pray for strength to make it and keep moving forward. I hope things get better for you soon!

Emanuel Evans said...

I agree with the above post. I'm usually the person you are for others; and, no one knows when I'm depressed either. Not even my husband of 28 years! He knows somethings wrong, but that's it. When I'm depressed, I read my Bible and listen to CDs from church. I'm also there every single time the doors are open ;) I haven't read a post from you talking about being at church or participating in various church groups in a long time... I'm concerned that you're losing your way, spiritually. In addition to going back to the clinic, please make sure you go back to church too. I'm praying for you Ms. Nina!

Jaded said...

I was going to say I know how you feel. I too have to amp myself each day. Not necessarily trying to fake the funk but trying to overcome those thoughts that creep in my head. But you know, the above poster has a point. I haven't heard you talk too much about church either (doesn't mean you aren't going) so maybe there is some correlation?