Sunday, May 31, 2009


I have a feeling it'll be quickie posts until something BIG happens.

Its Sunday night at 10:30 and I'm SO ready to go to sleep. I have soooo many things to do and I'm just a little overwhelmed.

Just a little? Ummm, yea.

I need comp cards but I realized I need a photographer and a model because the images in my head can't be transferred to paper without those 2 things involved.


And it takes money more than likely.

I'm grinding hard which is funny because I kept telling myself this summer would be relaxing.

Uh, yeah right.

*le sigh*

I've been having moments of extreme doubt and fear gripping me at the most inopportune times.
Those voices saying I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to fail. I have no talent.

And then.
$$ is such a huge issue right now. I gave my tithes in church and I was sooooooooooo worried. I'm sure it will come back to me. I'm trying not to hurt for it.

I know it will be okay as long as I'm persistent.

*le sigh*
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Its Official

I'm a make-up artist.

My first photo shoot went really well!

I got there at 9:45 for 10am call.
The client is so sweet! She needs pictures for her lingerie/swim wear line.

2 things:
Whenever you have heavy lighting, you need heavy dramatic make-up. I thought that's what it was but they were using natural light. It was noooot good.

Quick fix but the stylist was being EH about it.

Lesson learned.

Secondly....I realized I have A LOT to learn.

I had to revise the look like 3 times. I hate being wrong. I hate not being perfect.

All in all, when she handed me the money, I was happy. Like, I would've done it for free. That's the moment I knew I've found my passion.
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Thursday, May 28, 2009

I KNOW...Another Afroman Post! Lol

When he was here I told him about the baby dream...

I asked him if he wanted kids and if he would have them with L, the woman he left me for.

He said..."If we get back together, yes."

On twitter last night, he writes:

"With my girl, L getting another cat."

Are you kidding me?!

Again...why do I even bother?

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THAT'S what Friends are For!

So....tell me if I'm over-reacting because let's face it...I do! Lol

Afroman was supposed to do a logo for me. He offered to do it like 2 months ago.

Today, I don't have a one...surprised? Didn't think so!

I'm on my grind and I asked him to do what he could and send it to me last night.

It sucked...which may or may not have been his fault.

So, I sent him different fonts and things because I wanted him to invert the logo across my comp cards.

So, I'm sending him stuff and he's not responding. Hmmm...

So, I give it some time and I go at it again.

Know that I am a persistent son of a, he goes...

I don't think I'm the right person to help you.

*blank stare*

I said...well I sent you the font I want, can you cut and paste it to form the first letter of my the words..and then use a regular script font for everything else? So, we (or rather I) don't have to pay for it.

No response.


I asked him a tech-y question. He responded.


WHY doesn't he want to help me? What does he do all day? He's unemployed!

Furthermore, why do I even effing bother!

The only reason I didn't go off is because there's one last thing I'm going to ask him....

should I be mad or no? I mean, HONESTLY!
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I need an Assistant!

I have to:
Find models for my comp cards/portfolio
Take appropriate pictures for my comp cards/portfolio
Edit them
Find a decent printer
Pay for them to be printed
Distribute them
Sign up for model mayhem - (ANOTHER) social networking site
Research other sites that will help me network
Sign up
Research events I should attend: (trade shows, fashion shows)
Research/Enter in cover model contests
Get my name out there
Take over the world!!!

Oh yea and I'm poor so these things need to be for NO money!

Please and thank you! :)

Oh yea and work 2 jobs, maintain 2 successful blogs, stay away from caffeine, and I don't have a laptop or internet access at home :(, go to church, look cute, have a social life, and find love....

I'm exhausted already!
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i just booked my first client in 3 years....!!!!!!

i'm so excited!!


and nervous..those little demons are like you can't do it...but i can! and i will do it well, snitches!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

2nd Wind

*cue Musiq Soulchild "Moment in Life"*

I'm so excited!

So....there's the Full Figure Fashion Week coming to NYC next month. Although it is too late for me to enter into the cover model contest, I am trying to hustle to get it together to make some connections. Make-up make-up make-up!

I'm ecstatic!

Its just a lot because I need someone to print my comp cards. Comp cards are a little bigger than postcards. And it should showcase the best of your artistic work.

And its boookooo dollars. Like $75 for like 50, well depending on where you go.

What if a dream team list of very important contacts kind of floated in your hands and I could basically stalk people that would help put me on the map.

Uh yeah.

God is good.

I have so very many things I want to do. I'm overwhelmed and excited. Trying to write everything down so its in perspective but its time to go hard for myself!

Big things! Just trying not to eff it up!

Pray for me ya'll!
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*begin rant*

No, I didn't finish college but I'm freaking smart! So...why the eff am I punching holes in paper and filing all day? Because I'm a temp! So, I'm punching holes in paper while SMILING. And my fricking boss keeps "checking up on me to make sure I'm ok"


I don't need to be doing this. Its ridiculous.

All the while, I'm account is overdrawn AGAIN! And my other account for "spending money" has $3.25.

And every teensy tiny mistake he points out! I want to punch him in his face.

But in order to lead, you must follow, riiiiight?

Something's got to give. I need an exit strategy. STAT.

*end rant*
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I've heard all these crazy stories about women in their 30s who have basically said to themselves that there was no one good out there and that they should just settle for whatever loser they found.

I equate that to sitting in a dying hole and waiting for the inevitable. (Kind of like Madagascar 2- funny not so morbid)

Sometimes, I have to remind myself I'm 23. Sometimes, I lie and say I'm 22 just to remember to keep it light. And while I don't understand why these women would live with men who don't provide, don't bring anything to the table, don't meet them half-way, don't do anything but breathe, eat, and poop...I do kind of understand.

As quiet as its kept, GG had me questioning my belief in abstinence til marriage.


I know.

He talked a good game, man...what can I say!

As quiet as this is also kept, I'm freaking LONELY.


I don't even want to scroll back to January and even reread the last encounter out of fear it would induce hunger pangs deep within me. Not just for the peen. But for human contact.

A neck kiss...someone sucking on my breasts...hands exploring my body...tongue on the clit...the sweat sticking both of our bodies together like magnets ...all of it..I miss it!

And so, when someone comes along and he sounds good, smells good, looks good,...I'm gonna have BIG

But...I have standards. I've been through TOO much not to....

With these women, maybe they've been worn down to the point it doesn't matter. I don't know...I just hope I don't ever find out.
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009


I've had some interesting conversations today. It all stemmed from Sunday's sermon which was about healing from past relationships. It said that the main ingredient was forgiveness. It had me thinking about the past lovers. The one who cheated on me with a transsexual, the one who proposed twice for selfish had me thinking about the ones I need to ask forgiveness from. The ones from whom I need to ask forgiveness.

(I may or may not send this)
To British Chris from Chicago:

It has been a little less than a year since I've heard your voice yet it resonates clearly in my mind. I've discarded many drafts of this letter yet this is the only one who has made its way into your inbox. I can circle the crux of what I need to say with flowery language but all I really need to say is -

I'm sorry.

When we "met," I was a lonely foolish girl with a vivid imagination and no backbone. I was entranced by your voice, seduced by your words, and in the end, intimidated by your intellect.

I'd built this vision of myself in your eyes...beautiful and real and was not sure that I in the flesh could deliver. I am deeply flawed and was not sure if I could handle the rejection of the Nina who text you to sleep could lull you to slumber in her arms.

I was wrong in how I handled things. It was not my finest hour. I showed my age - my immaturity.

In the end, I hope you are well. I've changed phones thrice since we've spoken last, but I've made sure to keep your number. I would love to call you.

Forgiveness is something I humbly beseech of you and if it is not granted, I understand.

I only wish for you the best.



Not sure if I'm going to tweak it. But ummm yea.

Maybe you guys should write letters to lovers you need forgiveness from.
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Monday, May 25, 2009


Am I.

Yes! Yes!

I am.

My head is pounding. I can't taste or smell. I hate being sick and all people can ask is if its the swine flu.

The devil is a liar.

The day was great. I watched CSI:NY, NCIS, and the Closer. My mom made ribs, ox tail, and mac n cheese. I ate it imagining what it tastes like.

Kinda stressed. I bounced 2 checks. *sigh*

I forgot the date that these bills were supposed to come out. Drama will ensue.

Oh wells.

Who can complain 4-day work week, wooot!
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So, I had a choice. Stay or go. My head was spinning and I really couldn't make up my mind.
Then he said his family would be coming in an hour, so I decided to stay with him until they came.

We took pictures of each other of the scenery. I beat him up with kung-fu and we just chilled. We didn't talk about anything deep.

I refreshed my purple lip gloss. He remarked that he hates kissing girls with lip gloss on. I said that it wasn't an option anymore. I laughed. He looked away. I laughed more. Mainly out of nervousness. He looked back at me and I pecked him smack on the lips.

He mock-yelled...YUCK! It feels like thin syrup. I laughed.

You know you want it...I said.

Yes I do but not with that stuff on your lips.

I applied more and then kissed him again rubbing it all over his lips.

He yelled again and I laughed hysterically.

I knew you were going to do that, he said.

Yeah but you let me.

I did.

And in that moment, I stopped laughing. I didn't feel anything when I kissed him.

You're in the friend zone, I told him.
I know.
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Sunday, May 24, 2009


He met me at 2 on the dot and we walked to the African Festival going on close by. We walked through each booth. I bought something to eat and we sat and talked.

Long story short. He has a problem with communication. He felt like he wasn't avoiding me. He wasn't too busy as he admitted that he wasn't doing anything. He was just at home because he didn't have money.


When he didn't meet me that day he didn't know I was pissed. He was running errands and he didn't realize the time. When I asked him why he didn't at least text me to let me know he was running late AFTER I called him and told him it was 30 minutes after we were supposed to meet he didn't have a reason but stated he didn't have to explain himself to me.


I told him how I felt. In detail. I called him selfish. I told him he was lame (lol) for not communicating properly with me. I told him that I felt like he didn't care that I was about to walk away from our friendship and he wasn't going to do anything to save it.

He asked what is he supposed to do and that if my mind was made up then...that would be it.
He stated that he didn't think what he did was wrong and asked if I were looking for an apology and that he knew he would see me before he left.


We were both silent for a while.

I said that I understood. I won't expect anything from him anymore in order to protect myself from getting hurt and to protect him from anymore expletive-filled rampages.

He was upset that I said I don't expect anything from him.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said...I expected you to communicate with me. I expected you to see me earlier or try to see me earlier in your trip. I expected you to call/text me when you're running late. You didn't do those things. I got hurt. So, clearly, I shouldn't expect those things from you and if I can't expect those basic things then I shouldn't expect anything.

He said it was still messed up of me to say it the way I did.


I told him we were running in circles. I voiced my opinion. He voiced his.

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Saturday, May 23, 2009


The friend that owed me $$ finally gave it back to me. He said he left his phone in his boss' car and couldn't reach me to give it back to me.

I let him have it.

I text him back:
"Honestly, Twin, its fucked've called me from your roommate's phone have my email address(es), you have myspace...facebook. To say you couldn't contact me is crazy. If you didn't have it bc someone fell thru you could've told me. If you did have it and needed it, you could've told me. But I told u I needed it to EAT. God looks out for fools and babies. Obviously, I was a fool. But no worries. If u have it, give it to me please. "

He apologized a bunch of times and said he didn't realize it was that serious.

I forgave him but we settled on not borrowing from each other anymore. Which is fine by me since he borrowed 5x to my 1.

Late this morning (3am), Afroman BBM'ed me.

Here's how the convo went:
AM: Hey what u doin tmw? Let me know. I wanna see u
Me: Are u fucking serious right now? Like....really a 3am drunken afterthought bbm. I'm going to jump for joy you fit me in to your busy life! Gee, thanks, AM! This is bullshit. But you know what....I'm going to wait to a decent time and call you cuz ya know that is the proper thing to do
AM: Ok...?

At 10am
Me: So... I'm not doing anything today. Depending on where u are we can just meet up
AM: Ok. I'm at my moms house right now. But am going downtown later?
Me: Like, what time?
AM: Later today like 2
Me: That's fine
AM: Alright cool

So...we'll see ...

Its 1:45pm and I'm here waiting...
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Oh Yea...

....Afroman STILL hasn't called or seen me yet. And we had that conflama on Monday. Yea, he's full of shit. Although I hate to see our friendship go down like this....I'm waiting until he leaves (benefit of the doubt, eh?) and then I'll happily text him or whatever or maybe I just won't speak to him again.

Its funny how people shit on the good people in their lives and praise the mofos that shit on them. - I just stopped and tweeted that-

Ugh! I need to work on my cussing!
But we all know its true. anyway...yea, I'm going to bed...

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(This post was written in parts)

*Today @12pm*

I'm better.


I'm not crying and sad anymore. Oh no! I've graduated to angry. Yes, yes...friends! Angry is a lot more fun. See, anger allows you to fuck shit

It changes the stress in your belly to the fire in your veins.

It also allows you to see things in the rawest light.

And now that I'm looking at the 2 situations in front of's what I think:

I'm no longer in the business of overextending myself. If you're not willing to meet me half-way,then it will not get done or happen.

*Today at 10:15pm*

God is good. On my lunch break, I went to cash in some coins I had in a jar. I thought it would be MAYBE $10 - just enough to cover lunch. Boy was I surprised when it read $33.76 and just like that...the main worries I had, I.e, how I was going to eat/get to work...were gone.

Anger has turned to disappointment. Twin still hasn't called/text(ed)/smoke signaled me back. I specifically told him I didn't have $$ to eat (!!)

There have been times, I cooked and brought it to his job. I've left my house an hour early or gone 30minutes past my house to his to bring him money because he didn't have it.

Just last week, he said I should rely on him more. I do and this is what I'm met with. I'm shocked. But not really.

I've reflected on it and really....I learned something through the tears (which I'm SURE was caused because I'm bleeding from the crotch...yup! Today is the first day of being reminder I'm not knocked up. Every other month I either want to punch someone or cry.)I learned that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for. I learned that I should believe my tattoo. I need to have that slave-type faith. That single mama minimum-wage faith. The faith that says I don't see how or where or why but I'll be okay. I realized I'm GROWN. I'm grown and there are certain situations I don't need to put myself into. There are certain circumstances where I should and will be selfish. I learned, with God on my side, I can't be broken.

Men (in the Old English sense of the word) are fleeting. They're fallible. I can't allow what they do to me to steal my joy.

Tonight, I'm refreshed and renewed.
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Deep Psychological Issues

This post will seem really all over the place...advanced apologies but hopefully you can ride along..

YW said that she has abandonment issues. I think I may have detachment issues mixed with something else..not sure.

When I was 3, my biological mother died and within 4 months, my dad remarried. I guess I learned from that that no matter how much someone loves you, you're replaceable.

And as a child, I was always smart. Adults always talked to me as if I were one of them and somewhere along the way, they kind of forgot I was a child. I remember being 9 and my mom telling me in detail about the bills of the house and struggles she went through. When my dad died, no one comforted me, I was comforting everyone else. For as long as I remember, I was always being someone's rock.

I remember reaching out over and over again. I wrote a Last Will when I was 12. I told my mom in a letter I thought she didn't love me and I wanted to die.

Any other parent would have their child in therapy. Not mine! She accused me of doing these things to get back at her and that I wasn't being sensitive to what she was going through with my father's terminal illness.

I could go deeper but I won't.

Fast forward a bit»

None of my friends have ever seen me cry.

First thing I said to Afroman on Sunday was...I would tell you how I feel but it doesn't matter

It kinda sums up my feelings towards how my "regular/non-blogger" friends perceive my emotions.

My twitter feeds were kinda crazy today.

BFF texts me. Are you ok? Sounds like you're having a breakdown.

I tell her how I feel. No response.

I'm on Skype at work. Gina says I look tired and sad. I tell her. She goes...its gonna be ok. :) And then silence for 30 minutes as I hear her having a conversation with someone else.

I say all of this to say....10 years ago, people ignored me and I almost jumped off a bridge. No, really. All it takes is a moment to show someone you care. The strongest person you know still has a heart that beats, gets broken and hurts....all you have to do is listen.

Really listen.

And just because you're strong doesn't mean that you're invincible. Its ok to hurt, to show your vulnerabilities, and to reach out.

Hopefully, the people you reach out to have sense enough to hold on to you with both hands.

The biggest secret I have is how very lonely I am most of the time. Although I speak to people a lot..between both jobs, usually the only people that touch me, I've found through blogger/twitter.

And for that, I thank you.

Tonight, I will rest. Tomorrow, I will wake up (God-willing) exhausted as I do every morning and I will go on...right now, I'm drinking from the bitter cup of sorrow knowing...this too shall pass....
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and none of my friends listen to me or if they listen, they don't comfort...

they just go..oh it'll be okay and then go into what interests them...

i guess you can't comfort a broke person unless you have $$

but damn...

THIS is why i freaking blog....

you guys have no choice but to listen, lmao...


I still haven't recapped my weekend so let me make it brief.

1. I got a tattoo and

2. I walked 8 miles in the AIDS walk.

Both were satisfying and painful.

The walk more painful than the tatt.

I'm stressed right now. Twin let me borrow $100 2 weeks ago. I gave it back on Friday. On Saturday, he asked me for another $50 and although I didn't have it at all, I gave it to him because he said he would give it back by today the latest. I told him I would need it by tomorrow morning because I have to renew my Metrocard and ummm, eat tomorrow. I get paid Thursday morning so I'm fine but tomorrow is going to be tough.

I RARELY owe people $$ and when I do, it is repaid to the minute I say it will be. I don't play and I expect people not to play with me. The funny thing is Twin makes more $$ than me by far and I dontknow where it goes but the last 6 months have been crazy. Every 2 weeks like clockwork...I get a text..."Can you do me a favor?" and I do it...and its always convenient for him. But, I can't. Today, he hasn't had the courtesy of returning a phone call or a text and now I'm worried about how I'm getting to work...about how I'm going to eat.

But, Jesus will make a way.

I just hate this feeling.

I'm looking into certificate programs for accounting which is one of the industries hiring now. So, with YW's suggestion, I'm looking into financial aid...and I just get stressed and overwhelmed. $30,000 for an ONLINE course! Really?? *sigh*

I told myself I will go to London in late October/early November. Its something I feel will be life-changing as I've wanted to go my entire'm just looking at myself right this second knowing that its not enough and I want to cry. It will be ok but...goooosh!

Life seems so difficult right this moment.

This too shall pass but I just had to vent...

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Monday, May 18, 2009


(Sunday at 7pm)
Me: You know...I'm upset and I wasn't going to say anything but I can't hold it in. But its like...why explain it to u when obviously u don't care

(Monday at 11am)
AM: helllo
Me: Hi
AM: What's goin on what u talking about
Me: It doesn't matter anymore
Me: Does it?
Me: I've started deleting you off of all the way we communicate electronically
AM: Why wouldn't it matter
AM: Ok...
AM: Are u upset that I didn't come out the other day
Me: Its part of it
Me: Its like...u have to be with ur family
Me: I understand
Me: But u've been here a week and I can't get 1hr of your time...3hrs with travel time...maybe less
Me: And so it shows me u don't care
Me: So, I've stopped caring...
AM: Can I call u later
AM: I can't do this on here
Me: Fine
Me: I don't see what's left to say
Me: But ok...
AM: Nevermind then
AM: I didn't meet u for lunch because I had zero dollars in my pocket until the day I was coming to see u. I came out here on a whim and forgot to grab cash. And I couldn't get anything sent until then. That's why I couldn't meet u for lunch
Me: U think I didn't know that? I know you're not working
Me: But its like..just SAY that
Me: There's always something w/u
AN: Yeah always something
Me: So, that's it?
AM: U tell me
AM: I'm still out here for a couple days
Me: Its up to you..if someone is a priority in your show them that they are...if not, then you move on

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Huff and Puff

I'm grumpy and upset this morning. My weekend was good but before I recap...I have to vent first...

Ok, so on Friday...Afroman(AM) and I was supposed to hang out. I cancelled and then I uncancelled.

I woke up feeling yucky and called out of work. I realized I lost my ID and so it kind of worked out since I had to go to the DMV to get it replaced. So, I hit AM up at 11am asking if he wanted to hang. He said yes but he wouldn't be free until after 1. I told him I had something else to do so I hustled to the city to be free by 1 so he didn't have to run around with me and we could just walk around the city and what not. He agreed. Ok, I was at the DMV talking on the phone and I realized it was after 1 (precisely 1:20pm) and I hadn't heard from him. I called him. There was laughing and talking in the background.

"Oh I got caught up in conversation with my brother and sister. I'm still home. I'm leaving now."

Ok...I still had 20 people in front of me...I had time to wait for him.

2pm and I was out, so I called him.
"Oh, I'm still home. Can my brother and sister come with me?"

I said yes but I was fuming! Did I mention he was here since Mother's Day and I offered for him to come meet and have lunch with me at work. All week, it didn't happen.

So, I called him back and told him I didn't want to wait for him. I was going to find something else to do. He was short with me and hung up. He was pissed.

"Good," I thought. Honestly, because that's messed up....all week he couldn't give me 3 hours (including travel time) to hang out with me? And finally! Friday comes and he has to bring his sister and brother. I didn't really want to be bothered with them, honestly...I wanted to have a conversation with him and them being there, it wasn't going to happen.

So...whatever, Saturday we didn't speak. Sunday, I went to the AIDS walk and I got home and saw him on Twitter. So, I sent him a BBM:

"You know...I'm upset and I wasn't going to say anything but I can't hold it in. But its like...why explain it to u when obviously u don't care"

He didn't say anything.

I went to bed saying I was done and was planning to just block him out of my life...
I prayed for God to show me what to do...

I can't really hear Him too well. Either that or He's cosigning because I still want to do it...I guess when you don't know what to do you, you just stand still.

We'll see what will come of this...
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Saturday, May 16, 2009


Last night, I dreamt I was a single mother. My daughter was gorgeous! She was my complexion, had my eye shape, fuller lips, and a head full of wild hair. She was sooooo precious. I held and rocked her as she went to sleep as I had a party in my house. My house looked a lot like my apartment but the rooms were in a different order. She couldn't sleep so I held her on my hip in her striped pajamas and mingled at the party.

I woke up with something I never really had before - a yearning. One thing that was missing was her father. If that is a sign, then I'll keep my happy tail in check.

Ever want something its not possible to have?
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Addendum to Last Post

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So the big date happened Thursday night/Friday morning at 12:01am. I'm gonna try and make this brief.

1. He made himself out to be a big 6"5 football player type that while he wasn't defined, he was together. He was NOT. He was like Biggie. Except Biggie had more swagger. His size was daunting because he walked slooooow. When we met, he saw me and still was walking at a snail's pace. It made me think he is lazy. Not sexy.
2. He had nice hands and long arms that he put around me. It was comfortable. Until he kept caressing my face. His hands can palm my face. So, his caress was taking up everything from my nose down. It felt like he was blind and was trying to learn my features. I told it was weird and I asked him to stop. I told him it and I asked him to stop. He began rubbing his thumb over my lips. I bit his finger and I asked him to stop. He licked my ear. I almost jumped out of my seat. I asked him to stop. I wiped my ear off...yuck! He rubbed his thumb against my lips again. I punched him in the leg. He ran his fingers through my hair. He smoothed it down and began petting my hair. I moved as far away as possible without going into the next seat. We watched the movie (finally!)

3. Afterwards, he got money out of the ATM then asked me if we could take a cab and split it. (Hmmmm!) I said okay. He asked me if I liked him. I didn't directly answer. I told him I felt like it was an instant relationship he was seeking and asked him why he didn't stop. He said he thought I liked it. No = Yes. Hmmmmmm? He basically turned everything around on me like asking how is he supposed to show he likes me. If he didn't call or text it would be a problem. Now he does, its a problem. I asked if he didn't understand he was smothering me and it was too much too quickly. He asked me to explain specific things he did to make me feel that way. At that point I decided that was the end of the road for us. I told him I was going home alone. I hopped in my stinky cab and got home at 3am.

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Letter to Myself

Apricot ( challenges you:
If you could write a letter to your younger self, giving advice for troubles that will happen in the future, what would it look like? What would you say? Would the letter be funny, or would it be serious?

Here is the letter to myself at different ages:

Dear Nina:

At age 13:
You're about to make a big decision that you're not ready for and will change you forever. You're not disposable. Cherish each day with dad. He's old and rickety. Listen to what he says. This year you are going to suffer and you are going to wish you were dead. You will try it. Several times. But you will fail. Later, you will be happy you failed but now...yes, your life is shit. You're weird. You cry out for help but no one hears you. No one understands you and you REALLY need to reconsider your hair and outfit choices. But guess what, deep down you love yourself. Look in the mirror, toots! You're beautiful. Stop wishing you were Robyn. Yes, she's tall and beautiful....but, she's a dick. You're not alone. You're building a strength that no one else will ever understand. Ever. Wait like...a year, tops! You're gonna be hot! lol

P.S. You will be this height for the rest of your life...stop measuring yourself everyday, lying that you're 5"5...

At age 16:
See, I told you you were going to be hot! Really, you'll never have a 6-pack ever again. Tuck in all your shirts girl! Show off that waist! Wooo! Please! For our

You're so ambitious and bright! You're so angry and militant! You're developing character and discovering that there is more to life than what's in front of you. People don't understand and you don't care. I admire you.

P.S. Stop chasing Afroman and hug your mother.

At age 19:
Its okay to have no idea where you're headed or what you want to do but're making $13/hour with like 3 bills. SAVE DUMBASS! Pay your bills on time. You're fucking up your credit by being irresponsible and this will follow you for the rest of your life....

Don't sip the Koolaid! You don't need the make-up, the shoes, the glitz, the glamour. You don't need to be that version of yourself. You're beautiful.

P.S. Stop chasing Afroman.

At age 21:
Congrats, you caught Afroman. Was it all you dreamed? Yea, I thought so. You've just moved into your apartment. You've got some things going for you but guess don't need to be sooooooooo...on all the time. Loosen up. This is going to be hard. Hey! Get your damn tooth pulled! Go to the doctor more! That job aint worth shit. Those people are liars and they will turn on you for $1. Enjoy your youth.

Afroman broke your heart and made you cry. so many times. He's not the man you thought he was, I know. But guess don't need him.

P.S. Gay men don't know shit about shit. Don't act like they're the Bible. Keep your lady friends close...

Love you now and forever,

You! :)

I challenge you guys to write a letter to yourselves...I almost cried writing this so I had to kind of change it up at the end...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

random things going on right now

1. so..i am PISSED!
why did this lady call in for a rate...beg me to bring it down, bring it down..i do..then i her i'm going to send her pics. she hounds me 5 phone calls, 4 emails in a 30 minute period...i was at lunch. i send it.she tries to pull a fast one..saying that i told her a bigger car..uh no. mind you, she has THE most annoying voice. then, i look in the system..if i booked it...i wouldn't get the commission because some else did a quote for her. and to top it off...the commission is $12!!! for all the aggravation, i can't even buy a decent lunch in nyc for $12 in all honesty. so..i emailed my supervisor and didn't do anything..i refuse.

2. why do people do the things they do?
gi told me this story of this a-hole in college who made out with her even though he had a gf with the same name as her. 7 years later..he broke up with her but they have 2 kids together. he has 2 jobs and he's trying to go for a bodybuilding championship. and he wants to talk to her. i told her not to go for it. he doesnt have time. he told her he will make time. in all honesty, i told her she's too much work for him. she needs constant attention. she needs the texts all day. she needs the phone calls each night. he probably hardly has time to wipe his ass...but she's like oh..he's swole now. he's buff. he's cute...smh...i was told.

3. i'm calling the new boo gg - gentle giant..mainly because he's 6"5 and can probably crush me with his thumb but he's a sweetie.

so we've had some interesting conversations:
a. just now he said irked me..i text him. he called me cuz it irked him.
i'm planning a surprise for our first date. a midnight movie of angels and demons because he's been reading the book and its really the only thing he's been talking about a lot. (so side thing: he asked if he should have money...ummm, yes its my surprise but as a man, shouldn't you have money just because...a red flag went off in my head like..wait..what?) so then...we were supposed to go out on friday. that was the original date. he text me he had to work til 8. we were supposed to go to the museum (my idea.) so..i was like that's fine...with the time change. i was like..ok, what are we going to do...he was like...well i dont care as long as i'm with you. i said i don't like that answer. you come up with something..he called me like yo, that pissed me off. like...i told you i didnt care i just want to spend time with you...i'm like..that's nice. think of something. we live in nyc. he was like..i don't like manhattan. i was like..i really don't care what you want to do. he's like isn't that the same answer....i think he was kind of arguing with me...he's very aggressive...which i kind of like but sometimes..its like relax buddy...but i was like... dude...stfu..could be because i was previously upset but damn..think of something for a date. that's it.

b. when he first emailed me he said..."your make-up is nice even though you look great without it" ok...harmless...last night he says, i prefer natural girls..without weaves or make-up and stuff.
i'm willing to tone it down around him but honestly, i don't want anyone to change me or even try because i like who i am. in my mind, i'm a make-up artist. point blank. have you ever seen a make-up artist that didn't wear make-up? something about it isn't sitting right with me and i know why. i've heard this before with bff. her ex-husband...was like...i prefer for you to not have male friends, then i prefer you wear heels and then i prefer not to listen to music in the car..and then she became a totally different person. make-up is make-up..and yes, i do wear it every the summer less so...but i can't imagine not wearing it at all..i just feel like we're going to be revisiting this a lot.

he's a good guy but i'm remembering why i'm single and why i like it...just compliment me from time to time and kiss me..all that other stuff..keep it.

there was some good stuff i was thinking about him but i can't even like..think of it now...damn..negroes mess ish up.

my head hurts for the 3rd night in a row.

Live Your Life

I kinda glossed over about this on my other blog but didn't get into details because I kept hearing bits and pieces.

On Saturday night, an associate of mine. I say associate because we were apart of the same organization in the ball scene. I had like 2 conversations with him so its not really a friendship.

So, anyway, he was at a friend's house where he was taking X with a dude he had beef with a few years ago. It was this dude's first time on the drug. My associate...when he gets on it, he starts talking too much and a bit violent. Small issues become huge ones and so he brought up the old argument. The dude started feeling paranoid and shot my associate in the chest twice. He left like nothing happened. My associate died in the ambulance. They say because he was on the drug, it made his heart race and the blood pump faster and he bled really quickly. The police found his killer an hour later. He was going on with his life in a store.

Its shocking. Really.

He was 25. Its senseless. I can make judgments but it won't bring him back. I can only pray for peace for his family and the people connected to both of them.

It makes me be mindful of the things I do. People are crazy. Life is so precious and so fleeting. It can really be snuffed out in the blink of an eye.
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mr. Intentional

so this dude has me THINKING..i love it..i really do...

I asked him about titles and how he feels about it.

He said he's not much for it. When you say "Ok you're my girlfriend. Things change. What was once so easy and free is not so much anymore. There are all these expectations...I will refer to you as my girl. We will have that understanding.."

I actually agreed with him but I said...

"Women want a title for 2 reasons - it all boils down to being validated: a) they go too far sexually and they want the title to validate that they're not a big slore (yes, slut whore). b)they want to validate the relationship in that you won't leave...not that it stops anyone but more of a guarantee."

He was like

"Well, I can't speak for every man..but I know my intentions from the beginning. Its up to the man to make a woman feel comfortable in her decison. Every man knows that sex changes the dynamics of the relationship but it doesn't change his intentions. He's like my intentions are the same from the jump..."

I was like...what are your intentions?

He was like...dang, I'm on the spot but yes.. I guess I opened that door. I can see you..if you're the person you claim to be...or I think you are...I can see us being together. If you will have me.


I was like...well..I've heard lovely things but I still have my guard up and I have to protect myself, so I will allow you to show me..

He was like...that's all I ask...

I don't even have to ask but...

What do you guys think about the whole title thing? Do you believe a man's intentions are what they are...from the beginning?? Or is it G? Am I cynical to not believe or am I being real?

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Chocolate Hour!

Weekend ReCap: Sunday

Happy (belated) Mother's Day!

I didn't have a lot of money but I wanted my mom to have a good day. I decided to make salmon steaks. I seasoned it on both sides with Adobo and garlic and herbs. I placed onions and green peppers on top. It came out SO delicious! I made linguine and alfredo sauce and broccoli. It came out perfect! My mom danced the whole while she ate. :)
the salmon before i cooked it..don't you love the colors?)
(dinner is served)
For dessert, I got her favorite ice cream: Butter Pecan and I put it in a cute dish. She hadn't eaten all day and said it was the best meal I cooked for her....

All the while, dude from Saturday and I were texting each other.

We were talking about REAL things. Aussie and I text each other a lot but it was about nothing - work stuff, him griping about his grandmother...whatever. We talked about how we were raised, lust vs. love, just soo many topics...I told him that he's going to miss me today because I can't text at work.

He was like..."Aww I am so I better take advantage of it cool to call you?"

At that moment, BFF and her friend Toni came over.

An hour later, we were on the phone. I was so nervous because I didn't know if the phone chemistry would be there. It was! We talked for 2 1/2 hours (!!)

I really like him. We're going out on Friday.

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Weekend Recap: Saturday

I awoke Saturday morning to a message from pl.entyoff.ish from this guy. It was well-written and hmmm...I don't know...something abt it made me respond. So, I did. We ended up sending e-mails back and forth all day. Each one he wrote me was funny and witty. We already had an inside joke between us. He's from Brooklyn - Flatbush and so he was like, oh I'm walking distance from him - easier to stalk me.

He asked for my number and we began texting back and forth from ummm 6pm to 2am....yes. Lol.

While this is going on....

I went to two parties.
The first one was for a friend of my friend. He's gay and oh so fabulous and sexy. All of his friends are fab and sexy. Like muscles and body. Smelling good and dressing well. We went to Vlado in Midtown. It was so much fun! One of them said he forgot my name and so he leaned over and was like your name is either Nina or Erica. I was like Erica? Lol. That's so different from my name...he was like, yea but it fits! So, I think I'm just gonna call you Erica. You can be Nina during the week but Erica on the weekends. Try it! Lmao

This other dude was like.."I love your breasts. They're beautiful! Can I play with them?" I was like buy me a drink first! He was like...what you drinking?

---OMG! I had no idea what I started! He wouldn't let it go. I was soo joking. Smh

We were having so much fun but we had another party at a straight club down the block. Ummm...this is the 3rd straight club I've ever been to and I think it may be the last.

We were told ladies would be free til 1am. From 1-2am, there would be reduced admission with our birthday tickets. We get there a lil before 1 - the line for the ladies is wrapped around the block. The men's line was not even 6 deep. Because it was me and this other girl with our two male friends (gay) they let us enter with them on the men's line. Ok...

As we were approaching, this chick was outside in a concoction. It was strips of kelly green shiny fabric made to look like duct tape covering her breasts the long way and a green ballerina tutu with sparkly heels and a tiara. She was sooo drunk cursing out the bouncers like..."Its my birthday, wtf?"

Needless to say, the place was soooooo ghetto as far as people are concerned. The ambiance was beautiful! It had an outdoor rooftop where we boogied pretty much all night.

And....why did the birthday girl not get there til 2:15ish???

I was mad because I didn't want to be out til the witching hour. She told us to be there at 12:30.


She gets there and she's like "Omg, I feel like I'm at the Welfare Center with music!" Hahahah..

We laughed, joked, boogied - made the best of it. Firstly..I didn't eat. I know Cardinal Rule #1: Broken! But...I know my limits. I had 3 drinks. My head was spinning. I sat down for a minute and started watching people - Dudes were like predators. They were watching the girls that looked like they were about to fall over and dance with them to reggae and somehow grab their va-jay-jays or just touch them inappropriately. I just was mindful of where I was dancing and steered clear of basically every dude, lol. Anywho, we left at 5am! The birthday girl...who looked so beautiful and had on some heels I wanted to snatch off her feet! She was saying her feet were hurting so bad. Our friend drove. She said the best line I heard all night.

"My feet are like Tracy Chapman...(She sings) Looking for a fast car..."

I didn't get home and in bed (after a 7Eleven run where I bought and ate a Lunchables) at 6:30 am. So, at 9 -not gonna happen.

I guess...hmmm...don't have an opinion on it...was an experience, lol
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Weekend Recap: Friday

I worked from 9-1:30 and hustled to my dentist's appointment. I couldn't WAIT to get these darn stitches out! I was nervous he would have to put more in because I pulled out two and I knew it hadn't fully healed.

So, I go into the examination room. I think my dentist was flirting with me but I'm not sure because he's from Mississippi. Lol. So all the babes and jokes could be normal, right? Right.

I was stressing because I wasn't sure how I was going to pay the $67 fee, pay back $50 I owe a friend, and buy a Mother's Day gift. To my surprise, they didn't make me pay the $67.

I ended up getting my nails done as I was waiting for my friend. He didn't want to go out and so I spent Friday night changing my shower curtain and straightening up a bit.

I fell asleep at like 8pm.

Granny-status for real, lol
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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Snapshot: Kappa Don, lol

I ran up the stairs as the rain began to pour, questioning whether a $7 cab was in this week's budget. I sighed deeply, trying not to let the melancholy set in that I was once making $1200+ biweekly and now, a simple cab ride on a rainy day seemed like a frivolous expense. As I looked expectantly at the oncoming traffic, uncertainty dotting my brow, he called Kappy Guy.

I smiled, pondering the decision for a second. I needed some positive reinforcement.

"Hello..." I answered coolly.

"Hello Ms. Nina. How are you?"

We danced our tango of mutual ego-stroking. He asked how many men vied for my attention that day. I asked how many women fell at his feet that hour.

And then at the perfect moment, I uttered what I thought would bring the abrupt end to our conversation.
"You know...I've re dedicated my life to God and I'm going to be celibate until marriage."

He was silent for a second. And then he laughed. "I don't think I could do that. You're a strong woman," he said.

Oh Kappa Don. You intrigue me so!

It was like opening a door. I asked him about his first time, his family, his parents. How could I not have known about a sister he has?

For the first time since out high school aim conversations, we really talked.

"Well, Nina, I really just called to say hi."

"Thank you Kappa Guy. I appreciate that."

For the first time in a while, he made me smile not with lust but with appreciation of his place in my life.
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Not Enough Hours in The Day

YW blogged asking where have all the bloggers gone? I ask that very same question.

Just a few months ago, I couldn't wait to blog. I had a zest for it. Also, a few months ago, I had a life to blog about.

Nowadays, I'm fighting to get to sleep before midnight to wake up and not beat the alarm to death at 6:30am. I'm trying to read the Bible, read the NY Times, write a story, write 2 blogs, and men who might want to date me. My life is CROWDED. Crowded doesn't equal entertaining.

I will try to blog more. I'll pencil it in between pooping and showering. The only time I have.

I might write snapshots of what I see or what happens to me.

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I Need the Negro Council's Opinion on this...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Arc of Sadness

(lunchtime free verse)
I bid thee tears goodnight
As I unpack my smiles for the daylight
And I wonder
Where has all the laughter gone?
As midnight reaches 9am
I must once again
Perpetrate adulthood

My own eyes I see as I peer through the looking glass
Peel back the fog
Push past the clouds
Stand above the rain

Melancholy drips down my cheeks
The flood is coming.

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Art of Letting Go

Tomorrow, I will relinquish my position on my organization's board.

I really need to rid myself of the constant e-mails and stresses.

I'm tired. If this continues, I will begin to resent it.

Still, I'm holding on.

Letting go is hard for women. My mother still holds on to the fact my father kept the things he gave my biological mother and fought her tooth and nail on parting with them.

My bff still holds on to her failed marriage although her ex-husband wanted to a)have multiple wives b)hit her so hard in the arm once that it went numb c)has alienated her from everyone including herself.

Need I go on?

Being on this board does not define me. It doesn't make or break me. Yet, I'm still holding on to it.

Maybe because I'm afraid that if I no longer have it I will not have an excuse.

Let that marinate.

Now tell me what have you been holding on to?
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Life Truths

A positive relationship is a give and take. If you're the one always giving or always taking, you're making the relationship negative.

I learned this in church yesterday.

Maybe my problem with my friends is that I don't lean on them enough emotionally. It kind of makes sense that my blog friends empathize with me more because I tell you guys the nuances of my day.

I've had a huge 'W' on my chest my whole life, always being WonderWoman for everyone around me. Always being there. A rock. My own mother told me after I was like 9, she doesn't remember me crying more than a handful of times. She laughed because I was such an emotional child. She mused that I cried enough between the ages of 3-4 alone for the rest of my life.

BFF kind of said the same thing. In 10 years of friendship, she's never actually seen me cry.

So, yea that's something I have to work on. Not saying I'm going to turn on the waterworks but when people ask me how I am, I have to stop answering with 'fine' or 'good' if I'm not.

In lighter news, I've decided to introduce some design into my apartment. I bought some purple curtains for my living room. After I put them up, I decided I wanted sky blue ones. So typical of me...I want to have blue green and pink pillows. A couple of vases. A wall of mirrors. Simple accents that will introduce color. I want to update carpet which is the biggest thing I'm excited. Hopefully, I will be done by the end of the summer to have a small party.

I met a dude on plenty of fish and we were talking through email/aim all weekend. He's cool. He's my least until August. Its so weird me dating guys who are not at least 7-10 years older than me. I'm always like..eww, you're young. big announcement but he's nice. I told him I'm going to be celibate until marriage and his reaction was normal - shock, awe. Lol. But, he said he respects it, so we'll see.

I've named my book and finished a story which Young Woman will edit for me. Yay! 2 of 10 stories finished. I want to publish it by January. (That's the date I tell people, I really want to be done by the Fall...crazy, I know! But I'm like...let's get this show on the road!)

Afroman is visiting on the 15th. Yay! I miss him. We're going to church that weekend. He's going to see the changes to the apartment. He's been around since I was living in my mom.

My friend from college, Marsha, who was living in Australia for the past year is going to visit me Memorial Day Weekend. She kept me from beating down my racist roommate freshman year! Ooh wee...haven't seen her since then. 6 years.

I'm late for work because I sat down while getting ready and was looking in space. I have a huge run in my stocking. A big hole right on my knee. Its raining and I'm wearing boots but I almost slipped on the train. This guy was like "Safe!" I was like...thanks and laughed. He was like a pretty girl who can make fun of herself, will you marry me? Hahaha. NYC. Smh.

Ok, that's it! Lol. Sorry for the long post!
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Friday, May 1, 2009

Lost Something I've Had for a Long Time + Doing a Naomi

My 3rd molar or wisdom tooth.

The doctor gave me 4 huge needles in my cheek and gums. They tested to make sure I couldn't feel anything. The surgeon came and tested again. She did her incision and pulled the tooth with pliers. I literally heard it as she pulled it out. The doctor did my sutures. It was kinda hard for him to sew it because its in the back of my mouth and its dark back there. Plus half way through, I felt like something was lodged in the back of my throat and I started coughing like a maniac. I had string hanging out of my mouth and stuff...

Guess its slightly comical now.

I have gauze in my mouth and my children's Motrin in my purse for when it starts to get hairy.

All in all, this tooth has cost me $304 + 3 days of work.

On another note, I think I'm going to fall back in several areas of my life.

I've really been feeling like my friends don't care very much. I feel like I've gotten more love and concern from blog friends like young woman than lifelong friends like bff.

Let me take a moment to say, THANK YOU, YOUNG WOMAN!

Not saying that I need constant attention but popping up to ask how I'm doing is much appreciated. Especially since things have been rough on me lately.

In the organization I'm apart of, I've been doing a lot. People who don't do anything have been coming down on me talking smack about the work I'm doing. That's like you watching someone cut the grass in the hot sun while you're sipping lemonade and you tell them..oh you forgot the weeds.

I'm tired and I feel alone. I feel like throwing my phone out the window because every time someone calls/texts me its abt them and I'm there for them but when I call/text them and its about me...its crickets.

Everything that gets used up must be filled. I'm used up emotionally and no one is filling me back up. I'm spent mentally and nothing is filling me back up and so..I'm done for the moment.

After a season of sowing, there is a season of harvest. I believe this may be my season where suffering is sowing some things in me: character, patience, and some things I don't even know. Hopefully, it will bring a harvest of things I can't yet imagine.

I'm encouraged but this is not fun for me.

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