Wednesday, May 20, 2009

So....

(This post was written in parts)

*Today @12pm*

I'm better.

Kinda.

I'm not crying and sad anymore. Oh no! I've graduated to angry. Yes, yes...friends! Angry is a lot more fun. See, anger allows you to fuck shit up...lol.

It changes the stress in your belly to the fire in your veins.

It also allows you to see things in the rawest light.

And now that I'm looking at the 2 situations in front of me...here's what I think:

I'm no longer in the business of overextending myself. If you're not willing to meet me half-way,then it will not get done or happen.

*Today at 10:15pm*

God is good. On my lunch break, I went to cash in some coins I had in a jar. I thought it would be MAYBE $10 - just enough to cover lunch. Boy was I surprised when it read $33.76 and just like that...the main worries I had, I.e, how I was going to eat/get to work...were gone.

Anger has turned to disappointment. Twin still hasn't called/text(ed)/smoke signaled me back. I specifically told him I didn't have $$ to eat (!!)

There have been times, I cooked and brought it to his job. I've left my house an hour early or gone 30minutes past my house to his to bring him money because he didn't have it.

Just last week, he said I should rely on him more. I do and this is what I'm met with. I'm shocked. But not really.

I've reflected on it and really....I learned something through the tears (which I'm SURE was caused because I'm bleeding from the crotch...yup! Today is the first day of being reminder I'm not knocked up. Every other month I either want to punch someone or cry.)I learned that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for. I learned that I should believe my tattoo. I need to have that slave-type faith. That single mama minimum-wage faith. The faith that says I don't see how or where or why but I'll be okay. I realized I'm GROWN. I'm grown and there are certain situations I don't need to put myself into. There are certain circumstances where I should and will be selfish. I learned, with God on my side, I can't be broken.

Men (in the Old English sense of the word) are fleeting. They're fallible. I can't allow what they do to me to steal my joy.

Tonight, I'm refreshed and renewed.
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