Friday, June 22, 2012

love em and leave em

i have been pms'ing for a little over a week, it feels emotions have been on a roller coaster ride of shit.

i feel so ugly.
i have these bags under my eyes that are going nowhere and now with this heat, the eczema is back with a vengeance...all over my body. eczema is basically a black scaly dry rash.  the worst is my breasts, stomach, back and hips. i don't have health coverage until 7/01/12...THANK GOD but I have to wait to see a doctor til then and hope i don't have to go through hoops and loops. i'm freaking miserable. i'm itchy and uncomfortable all day. there's nothing i can do about it.

i was talking to someone new who EVERYONE in my inner circle says is a non-starter. which is sad because if this dude became serious about finding a wife, he would have a good me. the bottom line is he doesn't want to date. so, i'm like..ok, let's bang. he doesn't take advantage of opportunity to do that. i'm bored. i'm tired of chasing people even though probably to him it doesnt feel like i'm chasing....i'm tired of putting in effort. i just want someone i like to like me back and for that to be enough to date. i don't want to have to decipher feelings....i just want easy,.

writing has been going well....i'm hoping to have it finished in another month. i'm so exhausted when i get home, i force myself to write as much as i can...thus, lack of blogging or blog reading.

what else....thinking about perming my hair but that might just be the self-hate talking. i'll reconsider in another week or so when i'm not bleeding from my vagina.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Just Stop It

I did the Tour de Brooklyn on Sunday. It was an amazing experience riding my bike through different sections of the borough, many of which, I'd never experienced first-hand. The entire tour was 21.5 miles...halfway through, I felt cramping and fatigue. The last 5 miles, I just couldn't do. I think there's something wrong with my bike...I was pedaling fast, I just wasn't going anywhere. Would I do it again? I'm not sure, I would have to condition myself better and definitely work on getting a faster bike/fixing the one I have. It was a lovely day nonetheless....

Today, I saw the Snow White movie. Curiousity killed the cat. I hate Kristen Stewart. She is not a "rare beauty." least not to me. Charlize Theron was awesome though. The whole movie I was just like...for reals? Kristen is supposed to be more beautiful than Charlize? Word? And Kristen is not the best actress either. But, go see it and judge for yourselves.

SO.......when I sent DK the email, I sent him a text asking him if he got it. That message went unanswered. I deleted his number and all the text messages the next day when I didn't hear back.
Tonight (Monday night), I get a text.

DK: Yes, I got your email
(the one I sent on May 27th. Today is June 4th *side eye*)
Me: ...and, that's all you have to say?
DK: What do you want me to say? You've already made your decision.
Me: I wanted you to acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted you to say that it's not okay that from this moment on, I won't be apart of your life. I guess I wanted something from you that you can't or won't give me.

45 minutes go by.

Me: I don't know what the point was of telling me you got the email if you weren't going to address anything in it.

10 minutes go by.

Me: Anyway, good you got it. Now you can forget you ever met me. There's nothing left to say.

The last message was super emo. I know. But, for real though?
I'm so tired of wanting things from people and never getting it.

My mom spent the week in North Carolina. Firstly, I didn't know she was leaving. She told me months ago about her various summer trips. Memorial Day was on the list but she never told me when she was leaving and how long she'd be away. I get a random text from her saying: "No one needs to know I'm not home and can you take out the garbage on Thursday night for me please."

Thursday, I came home and someone had already taken the garbage out (or so I thought.)
I keep my bike at her place because my apartment is small and there's no room for it plus, I'd have to lift it up and down stairs every time I wanted to ride. I was exhausted from the ride, so I just placed it where I could and left.

She came home yesterday. After I spent the day with BFF, running errands, watching the movie and stuff....I said, "Let me go see my mom."

I came in. She was in the bed.

Me: Heeeeeelllllloooooooo
Mom: *curt* Hi. How come you didn't take the garbage out like I asked you to? I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't do it but let (BFF) or (Twin) call, you'll drop everything to be with them. And why is that bike in the middle of the floor? Hunh?
Me: .....
Me: Yes....
Me: I'll go move the bike.

>>>Man, I was so mentally drained. I walked into a verbal ambush that I was completely not prepared for.<<<<

I moved the bike and left without saying another word.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Who comes back from a week's vacation with their man so angry?
I just can't.
My mom only contacts me when she wants me to do something. God forbid, I don't do it or I don't do it to her liking. I want for her to just call me and ask me how I'm doing...what's going on in my am I feeling...what can she do for me?

What did I say earlier in the post? I'm tired of wanting things from people they just can't or won't give me.

They say, it is insanity to do the same action over and over again and expect different results. I must be out of my fucking mind!
I am so tired of fighting.
I can't do it anymore.