Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I slept with Carter Saturday night. It was ah-may-zing.
He'd been messaging me ever so often to tease me about how much I'd let him go. It was apparent that he wasn't going to do the same for me.
We were supposed to go out last week. Our wires got screwed up. Or rather, mine did. I've been really busy and so when he suggested that we go out to BBQ's Sat night, I said yes. When he further suggested we dine dutch since he had to pay for his family's Thanksgiving Dinner, my bank account relented and I asked him to my place for movie night.
Minutes into the movie,I was on his lap. We were kissing and petting. I got off of him and decided that Interview with a Vampire was way more interesting for about 5 more minutes before I turned to him and said...do you want to go to the bedroom?
Twin asked me what did Carter do to make you enjoy him so much? Simply, he knew what he was doing. There was no question, no fuss about condoms. He just put it on. He worked my body. He was agressive but not overly so. He has a beautiful penis. He was clean, not hairy at all. The size, the girth of it - is very perfect and he knows how to work it. It was all very adult.
After we cleaned up, we talked about his day..his work while he looked at some stuff concerning his book and I was BBM'ing Editor. He came back to bed and held me with both arms. I felt small and safe curled up next to him.
We both slept like babies.
The Morning After
I ordered breakfast for us. We ate while watching Happy Feet which I dozed off in the middle of. I woke up just as it ended and walked him to the train station. We talked about the community and how we can build it to be better. He held my hand. I let it go after a block. I told him about my 5 year plan and how I want to create workshops for ladies with low self-esteem. He should be apart of it (his books are about dating and such)....
We got to the train station. I said.."Ok, I'm going to put you on ice now as you claim I always do."
He said, "Yea, you gonna ignore my phone calls and text messages now cuz you got what you wanted."
I fake slapped him.
He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Please don't be like those other girls and really do that."
"You're leaving in January. Is it fair to create this bond with you for you to just leave like that?"
"You think its going to hurt when I leave?"
He didn't say anything.
"I don't have time," I began, "to play games with people. I don't have time for a lot of things. I know you don't understand where you stand with me...There's so much you don't know about me. "
"I wonder why..."
I let him drop it. He kissed me goodbye. I wondered why...myself.
When did I become so closed off?
I feel the same tug of war that I felt with The Nigerian, except, I am he and Carter is me. Every time I get silent, I feel him saying..Talk to me. Tell me about your day. Tell me about your life. The words are there. They just don't come out. Maybe he understands a little.
I feel as though things have changed between him and I. I just want sex and maybe he wants a little more. He's husband material: kind, funny, smart and he understands what it takes to hold a house together. Whatever I want from him I could have. I know this to be true. So, why do I want nothing?
Saturday, November 6, 2010
She's giving it serious consideration.
I called her a stupid broad. The words slipped out but I meant them. What can I say to get through to her? Who in their right mind would wait for a man who has been with this other woman for 10 years, has been cheating on her probably the whole time, will make her believe a lie to give her a house and then leave her? Oh and then believe he's going to be faithful to you...
Wynsters asked me a good question: Am I her friend because we've been friends for so long or because I really enjoy her friendship?
Lately, BFF has been disappointing me. I tell her and she doesn't show that she cares. She's turning into someone who flinches and then shrugs when they're told they're wrong.
This post is not about her.
I have a decision to make and I want to make it before the New Year.
A) Move to Bermuda for 3 months. Live with and work for my nephew and his wife doing makeup. After Bermuda, London for 3 months and then home.
B) Stay in NYC and go to school.
With A, I want to get a job with MAC or Sephora because I could be set with those jobs...making decent money and with MAC, because they're international, I could transfer anywhere. There's even a MAC store in Bermuda. With Sephora, I could transfer to Paris.
With B, I would still need a job and I need to pay off $5k to my old school. Oh, and I have no idea what I want to go back to school to study.
Or...if I go to Bermuda in February...London in May...back home in September. I could start school. But...I still have to figure out a course of study. Plan C sounds like the business. I kind of want to be a teacher, but they're laying off teachers... I like English. What professions are out there for an English major?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Thursday, November 4, 2010
We ate brunch at a spot in Brooklyn around the corner from BFF. Brunch was delish but my company even more so. He made me laugh, he made me smile and blush and he made me frown. He has a girlfriend. Its a long-distance thing. Boooooo! The purpose of brunch was so that he could add me to his company for this webseries he wants to do. I agreed. I need more film work and really...when the person asking is THAT charming, how can you refuse? We met up with BFF for a minute. He made us laugh. We left BFF and then I left him. I got a hot chocolate from the local cafe. Ran into a makeup artist friend who was face-painting kids. Messed with her for a little bit. Went home.
I've had my intern for 2 weeks and *sigh*...she might don't make it. I can't deal with younger workers with no job experience. They always have an issue. I went through a lot with Namesake, my last intern who had a new issue every day.
I've been reading a lot of self-development books lately. "Eat.Pray.Love." was really intense. Jaded was kind enough to send me "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" by Iyanla Vanzant and Editor, who thinks I'm too nice with the men-folk gave me "Why Men Love Bitches," which despite its title has set me straight on some mistakes I've been making. I know all these books have popped up in my life for a reason...it all feels so heady.
I don't feel like my adequate, efficient, self-assured self. Most have blamed The Nigerian and breaking my celibacy but I think even without that whole fiasco, I would be in the same place.
RastaMan joked with me that 1 person can really mess up your life or complete you. You don't know which until they've done their damage. This is true, yes..but where do we lay in the whole mess? Where and when do we weigh our actions in the equation?
Anyway...I'm not in the space that I want to be in and I asked God for guidance and these books popped up out of nowhere. The message is clear...if you want to be this type of woman so badly, work for it. The work is hard. I've basically been doing it all wrong and what is required of me is that I dig deep into places where I've shied away from and deal with the root causes of where this STUFF comes from. Also, things that were ok aren't okay anymore...thus, a lot of stuff with my mom has been coming up. I'm feeling like she's the reason why I have this superwoman cape on all the time. Some time around the age I really needed some development in my womanhood...she kind of threw up her hands and was like..."I'm incapable of seeing you as a person separate from my identity. I'm incapable of being selfless enough to listen with my ears, heart and maturity. I'm incapable of being nurturing. I'm incapable of making you feel safe with me." and I said, ok...that's fine. I'll raise myself. In her mind, she's like...well, I gave you shelter, heat, food and clothes...that should be enough. Sadly, it isn't.
And now, I'm so vulnerable and the only people that see it are men with significant others and you guys who read my blog.
I mean really, what can anyone do to help me? I told BFF a few weeks ago..."I'm really having a tough time. I'm depressed." We spent maybe 15 minutes talking about it and that was it. I fought my way out of that depression and now I'm in limbo again...not happy. Not sad. Just trying to make "something" happen.
And so.......here we are and I'm forced like I said earlier to see where I went wrong and somehowp fix myself. Thing is, I am so...tired.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Saturday night, I had the urge to get pretty and go somewhere low key. I really did not prepare for the cold weather and I don't have a lot of cute clothes appropriate for the frigid temps.
J called me (not to be confused with JJ, lol) and reminded me that I agreed to go to a mutual friend's birthday dinner/bowling party.
So, I dolled up my face and wore basics and we rolled to Harlem where we were 2 1/2 hrs late for the dinner party and I bowled a 40 the entire game (I suck at bowling but I have HEART). I was the only woman in a room of 12 gay men and my friend DB who came up from DC invited his friend PZ.
PZ is a transexual male - meaning, he was born a woman and transitioned into being a man. He had all these surgeries and he is really convincing. He's also J's type to the T. He's light skinned with light green eyes. He has small pecks and a 6-pack with big muscular arms. He dresses like a thug. Anyways, PZ is not into men. We get invited to some party - we thought it was a house party in Brooklyn. J is goo goo over PZ and PZ doesn't want the night to end. So, we go to the party. Turns out, its at a lesbian club. *insert rolling eyes*
We pay to get in (!!!!)
I noticed some girls noticing me so I told PZ he was my boyfriend for the night because I'm straight. He laughs and agrees.
Out of the frying pan into the fire, I guess.
PZ is buying us drinks. There were gay friends of ours and we're all dancing and having a good time. There's this transexual woman (male to female) who I mentioned before a few years back. My boyfriend was dating her at the same time as me...(I'll try and find the post and link later) and she knows I hate her because of that...the whole thing is ugly. Anyways, she kept bumping me every time she passed by! Undeterred, I was still trying to have fun. she is into PZ too. Maybe that's why I kept getting bumped. There was really not much I could do...I'm 5"2. She's gotta be 6"4 and umm...yea...I'm not going to play myself.
PZ keeps dancing closer and closer and closer on me as the night progresses. At one point, he tells me to stay still and he dances on me like a stripper. I was tweeting/texting/BBM'ing the whole time because I'm rude and I didn't want to go there. J likes him.
Its the end of the night, lights go on in the club. We're looking for PZ. All of a sudden, someone hits someone else over the head with a glass bottle directly behind where me and J are standing. A piece of the glass hits J in the side of the face and he immediately starts bleeding. I take him to the side where I help him clean his wound.
We get ushered outside. We see PZ who tells us that his friends are really drunk and he needed to make sure they were okay.
J and I are walking to the car. Who do we run into? The girl who my ex cheated on me with. She admits that she's on Percocet, coke and has had a few drinks. She asks J to take her some place "right up the block"..J obliges. She then goes IN about how much she loved my ex. How he was abusive. How she didn't mean to hurt me. How blah blah blah...we drove her about 20 mins away. J was silent. I never told him. He drove me home. He told me if I want to date PZ he would be okay with it. He says its obvious PZ is into me. I say he's nice but he doesn't have all the equiptment I need in a man. It was 5:30 on the dot when I walked through my door.
A few seconds after I get inside, my mom calls me. Not wanting my joy killed, I let it go to vm. I check it a few minutes later, hoping there was some emergency or something.
Her message was basically...
"I heard you come in. No decent woman comes in so late at night. You should be ashamed...did someone even bring you home...blah blah blah"
I need to move further away...
Anyway, that was Saturday night!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile