pre-maritals

I should probably explain where I've been and such but I won't.Not yet anyhow.


I slept with Carter Saturday night. It was ah-may-zing.

He'd been messaging me ever so often to tease me about how much I'd let him go. It was apparent that he wasn't going to do the same for me.

Fine.


We were supposed to go out last week. Our wires got screwed up. Or rather, mine did. I've been really busy and so when he suggested that we go out to BBQ's Sat night, I said yes. When he further suggested we dine dutch since he had to pay for his family's Thanksgiving Dinner, my bank account relented and I asked him to my place for movie night.

Minutes into the movie,I was on his lap. We were kissing and petting. I got off of him and decided that Interview with a Vampire was way more interesting for about 5 more minutes before I turned to him and said...do you want to go to the bedroom?


He did.


Twin asked me what did Carter do to make you enjoy him so much? Simply, he knew what he was doing. There was no question, no fuss about condoms. He just put it on. He worked my body. He was agressive but not overly so. He has a beautiful penis. He was clean, not hairy at all. The size, the girth of it - is very perfect and he knows how to work it. It was all very adult.

After we cleaned up, we talked about his day..his work while he looked at some stuff concerning his book and I was BBM'ing Editor. He came back to bed and held me with both arms. I felt small and safe curled up next to him.

We both slept like babies.



The Morning After


I ordered breakfast for us. We ate while watching Happy Feet which I dozed off in the middle of. I woke up just as it ended and walked him to the train station. We talked about the community and how we can build it to be better. He held my hand. I let it go after a block. I told him about my 5 year plan and how I want to create workshops for ladies with low self-esteem. He should be apart of it (his books are about dating and such)....



We got to the train station. I said.."Ok, I'm going to put you on ice now as you claim I always do."

He said, "Yea, you gonna ignore my phone calls and text messages now cuz you got what you wanted."


I fake slapped him.


He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Please don't be like those other girls and really do that."


"You're leaving in January. Is it fair to create this bond with you for you to just leave like that?"


"You think its going to hurt when I leave?"

"Won't it?"


He didn't say anything.


"I don't have time," I began, "to play games with people. I don't have time for a lot of things. I know you don't understand where you stand with me...There's so much you don't know about me. "

"I wonder why..."

I let him drop it. He kissed me goodbye. I wondered why...myself.

When did I become so closed off?


I feel the same tug of war that I felt with The Nigerian, except, I am he and Carter is me. Every time I get silent, I feel him saying..Talk to me. Tell me about your day. Tell me about your life. The words are there. They just don't come out. Maybe he understands a little.

I feel as though things have changed between him and I. I just want sex and maybe he wants a little more. He's husband material: kind, funny, smart and he understands what it takes to hold a house together. Whatever I want from him I could have. I know this to be true. So, why do I want nothing?

tectonic plates

there is a shifting going on inside of me. a move in my attitude. an awakening.

after i wrote that blog post, i made two calls.

carter.
i told him i might want to get back with the nigerian and that i still wanted to sleep with him. he said..."flow with what you think is right. whatever you want from me, whether it is a relationship or just sex, i'm here. i'm yours..if you want me." he said he would come by today (friday) to take care of my little itch.

the nigerian.
he was in true nigerian form. cagey. busy. withdrawn. he answered the phone and spoke to me as if nothing had changed.

i suggested we meet and talk in person. he said...why, when he was listening then.
"did you think you lost me?" no answer. "repeat the question." silence from me.
"do you still like me?" "i don't like anyone." "i'm not just anyone." "i like everyone."

irritated but voice still calm.
"are you really going to play this game with me right now?"
"i'm not playing a game. i don't like this feeling. like you're pressuring me."
"im not pressuring you. i'm just trying to see where i stand, how you feel about me."
"i can't do this now. my head is not here. i have an event tomorrow. i'm tied up doing stuff. maybe we should talk in person."

exasperated.
"that's what i said."

we agreed to meeting on monday.

and then i started thinking.
fuck the nigerian. here, carter is handsome. he's funny, smart, ambitious, driven, and most of all.....
he talks to me. he listens to me. he opens up to me.

WHY would i leave that to go to someone who is distrustful, uncommunicative and in recent history has not been very nice to me?

WHY would i even come to carter with that bullshit?

WHY would i jeopardize carter for the nigerian?

because i'm an idiot.

i woke up today. went to target. got a pedicure. cleaned the house, changed the sheets, called carter.

he "forgot" he was supposed to come over. either, he's pissed at my decision to go back to the nigerian or he really wanted to play madden. he asked if i wanted to come to his house and play madden with him. O.o

i passed.

i told him i was an idiot for wanting even for a second to go back to the nigerian and that we will talk on monday because i need....closure. he understood.

but, my bed is empty right now.
the wheels started turning in my head and i realized that my attitude is changing back to the person i was 2 years ago.

after afroman.

enter blair. enter dame. enter aussie.

these were the people i slept with thinking that i was empowered and could handle a fwb situation. the blog was so steamy. your monitor would fog up. these people hardened me against men. i picked up the mantra..."i'm doing me and you just because." this attitude drove me to celibacy after aussie.and celibacy has driven me to carter who is taking his time because he likes me. which i appreciate..but only marginally.

and celibacy has taught me that carter is a gem and to appreciate him.
it has also taught me to control my urges. my willpower is amazing. but lately...as in for the past 3 days...i've masturbated like a madwoman...feeling like those first few days of celibacy again. also equating my situation to being let out of prison fearing being put back in.

either way, there is a new me emerging. she looks like old me.
ruthless, cunning,exacting.

she's got some new traits.
fearless, assured.

this is slightly scary.

lose control.

i went out with carter again tonight to a mixer where people from the entertainment industry go to network. it was so EMPTY when we got there and the host was pressuring us to buy drinks. on our way to the party, he asked me about my boyfriend and i told him. he was shocked. he could tell that i really didn't want to talk about it and so he made a joke about how i would seek revenge on him or something that lightened the mood.

carter is really fun. he's talkative, cute, tall, easy to be around and everyone loves him. i was telling him that i kind of felt guilty when things didn't work out with the nigerian. minus the big event that led to us not being together, i kind of felt relieved that i finally found someone i could call my boyfriend without hesitation. i felt like my friends are always with someone and i'm the eternal 3rd wheel. they kind of just dive into relationships and my love life is more revolving door than escalator. i REALLY don't want to be that spinster friend.

carter said that there's nothing wrong with my dating habits and that i should take this time to date. i should be wary of people who have boyfriends just so they don't have to be alone.

thinking about my love life, this past year and a half and even before then...i would say ever since i broke up with afroman, 3 years ago, my life has been very controlled. even if it were something that i couldn't control, like my job...i mastered everything in my love life. part of me feels like i've forfeited the chance to really explore and see what i want.

i'm not sure if i'm handling things well. by nature, i'm not a "spill your guts" kind of person. and so, the people i tell what happened, they feel real protective anger behind it and i feel like they want something from me...i'm not sure what it is. in true aquarius nature, i've emotionally detached myself from it because i don't understand the reasoning behind someone taking anything from me. also, i've never been in victim mode where i feel sorry for events i can't change. i'm just not thinking about it. i really don't even want to talk about it anymore unless its in this space where i can analyze my feelings when they come. knowing me, they won't come for some time. when my dad died, i didn't cry about it for a whole year. i just kind of shut down emotionally and i don't know how NOT to do that. i love my dad fervently.he was my best friend for a while.

and then there's carter. everyone knows me and tn broke up, a handful know why...but even on the surface, like..ok you and your bf just broke up about a week ago and you're with someone else. i'm not with him. carter told me straight up...his divorce is almost final from his wife. he's not trying to get into a relationship. i respect his honesty. i'm wondering if carter is a rebound or if he's what i really need right now. he's a listening ear, if there was ever anything i wanted to say, he gives me tons of affection and i'm really attracted to him and will probably sleep with him on friday or something...i really can't wait because if the sex is as good as the foreplay, it will be explosive.

i don't want a relationship. i want to be free. i want to fly at a moment's notice.

but either way..this post is about whether i'm dealing with the demise of the relationship, the "big event" that caused that demise properly. i don't know.

the whole thing with carter...i'm going to take some bad advice from Brit. She said...
"You're young. Have fun first and see if it will work later." Maybe its time for me to loosen the reins a bit and live a little.

i'm hoping my disjointed thoughts made sense...sorry guys...i usually formulate these things bettter.

Close the Door

I say he was acting as if he didn't have time for me and wasn't taking my calls. I say he was only calling me for sex and food.

He says...He was doing business with Brit. She fell through on her end of the bargain. She made it seem like I was going to call him and make him continue with their business arrangement. Instead of being rude to me, he ignored my calls. He said he wasn't calling me specifically for those things, it just so happened that he was horny and hungry when he called.



I say The Nigerian forced me to have sex with him on Sunday. He told me he would rip off my underwear if he had to. I let him take what he wanted until he tried to do anal. I told him to stop. He didn't stop. He did it anyway. I felt violated.

He says...it was foreplay and he could tell I was enjoying it.

I say...I'm going to forget you exist and you should forget I exist. You want what you want and you don't care about anyone else.

He says..I make quick judgments and that's what ruins things for me. I can forget him as I wish but he refuses to do so.


Either way, he stopped calling and texting. I know how I feel about the situation. I know how I feel towards him.

Tonight, on a whim, I decided to invite some folks over, make tacos and watch a movie. I was feeling so stressed out not to mention yesterday, my phone broke. ANOTHER blackberry quit on me. I went out and bought a little flip phone for $30. i invited Wynsters, BFF, Toni Childs and Carter.

Carter looked really good. He was hugging on me and kissing on me all night. It was really intense and if I had not been on my period...things would've gone far....

Carter is a good egg. I don't feel any of the negativity that I felt with The Nigerian. I can't lie...I was sizing the two of them up together. Carter helped me clean up a little. My friends love him. He talks to me. He listens. He talks to my friends. Everyone loves him. He's attentive. We were making out like teenagers and I didn't feel like I had to put out. I didn't feel anything but good and wanted. I didn't feel like if I said no, he would be violent or aggressive. I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. He was exactly what I needed.

I asked BFF to take him home. She text me to say that he asked her to drop him off at a party around the corner from his house...I really wanted to reply..."I don't care. He's not my man. I don't want a man. He was fun for the night..." I just said okay.

The thing with TN made me so angry..for a moment i was really hating men but I can't hold on to those emotions for too long. That goes against my nature. I dealt with it and now, I've chosen to let it go. I'm at a crossroads where I need to analyze my place in life on all levels. I need to move. I need to be free. I don't know where anyone fits in that. I'm trying to find where I am first.

The quick chapter with The Nigerian is done. Waiting to see what new door slide open.

I am doing much better.
On my way to okay.