Sunday, August 22, 2010

Close the Door

I say he was acting as if he didn't have time for me and wasn't taking my calls. I say he was only calling me for sex and food.

He says...He was doing business with Brit. She fell through on her end of the bargain. She made it seem like I was going to call him and make him continue with their business arrangement. Instead of being rude to me, he ignored my calls. He said he wasn't calling me specifically for those things, it just so happened that he was horny and hungry when he called.

I say The Nigerian forced me to have sex with him on Sunday. He told me he would rip off my underwear if he had to. I let him take what he wanted until he tried to do anal. I told him to stop. He didn't stop. He did it anyway. I felt violated.

He was foreplay and he could tell I was enjoying it.

I say...I'm going to forget you exist and you should forget I exist. You want what you want and you don't care about anyone else.

He says..I make quick judgments and that's what ruins things for me. I can forget him as I wish but he refuses to do so.

Either way, he stopped calling and texting. I know how I feel about the situation. I know how I feel towards him.

Tonight, on a whim, I decided to invite some folks over, make tacos and watch a movie. I was feeling so stressed out not to mention yesterday, my phone broke. ANOTHER blackberry quit on me. I went out and bought a little flip phone for $30. i invited Wynsters, BFF, Toni Childs and Carter.

Carter looked really good. He was hugging on me and kissing on me all night. It was really intense and if I had not been on my period...things would've gone far....

Carter is a good egg. I don't feel any of the negativity that I felt with The Nigerian. I can't lie...I was sizing the two of them up together. Carter helped me clean up a little. My friends love him. He talks to me. He listens. He talks to my friends. Everyone loves him. He's attentive. We were making out like teenagers and I didn't feel like I had to put out. I didn't feel anything but good and wanted. I didn't feel like if I said no, he would be violent or aggressive. I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. He was exactly what I needed.

I asked BFF to take him home. She text me to say that he asked her to drop him off at a party around the corner from his house...I really wanted to reply..."I don't care. He's not my man. I don't want a man. He was fun for the night..." I just said okay.

The thing with TN made me so angry..for a moment i was really hating men but I can't hold on to those emotions for too long. That goes against my nature. I dealt with it and now, I've chosen to let it go. I'm at a crossroads where I need to analyze my place in life on all levels. I need to move. I need to be free. I don't know where anyone fits in that. I'm trying to find where I am first.

The quick chapter with The Nigerian is done. Waiting to see what new door slide open.

I am doing much better.
On my way to okay.


Trish said...

How disgusting that he continued even though you said stop!

I'm so sorry that you had to experience that, I would have ripped his nuts off.

Don't give up on men. As Carter shows you, there are some good ones out there, it just takes time to find them.

Young woman on a journey said...

this post left me pissed. i know this experience. clearly it inspired my own post. but can be totally disenchanting.

Sunshine said...

sweetie... that's called rape. When a woman says "no," no it is. As women we should be careful to avoid men who don't respect our wishes and boundries. TN has probably done something like this before. Men like him are the scumb of the earth and eserve to be treated as such. F*ck him. I would cut off any and all communication with his rapist ass.

*This is my first time posting, but def. not my first time reading. Love your blog!