I'm Not Ok

People have been asking me how I'm doing and my usual response is.."I'm fine." I swear...it could be like that scene from "Their Eyes Were Watching God" when the hurricane came and they were swept away in that house and I'd answer, "I'm fine."

I had lunch today with Twin and he really wanted me to spill my guts to him about what really happened with The Nigerian. I had a face on. I couldn't say anything. I don't know why and then all of a sudden I bit into a piece of bacon on my bad tooth...the one that needs a root canal and my entire body started shaking from the pain. Tears came to my eyes. I can't even describe it. Emotions that I've been holding back came up in that second and all I could think is...

I'm in pain in every way a person could be. Physical, emotional, spiritual...just pain. I'm not okay.

The only person that knows the full Nigerian story is BFF. Maybe one day when its not so fresh, I'll share in this space but...for right now...please just pray for me.

BFF sent me a text asking me how I am and I told her for real: "I really want to be alone in a dark room gaining 15 lbs but that's not going to happen. So, I'm out and about doing what I have to...right now I'm at SB's event. Its a benefit for LGBT youth. "

She said: ":( I don't know what to say homie. I'm just sorry you're going through this right now. I feel like a bad friend. Like I saw you walking into a burning building and didn't rush to snatch you out. The only thing I can do now is treat the burns. I'm sorry."

I said "Not your fault. I knew I was playing with fire but I chose to ignore it. I'll be fine."

And I will be (fine). I'll deal with the 101 activities I have going on. Next week Friday will be my 1st day free (maybe)...until then...good thing I'm a makeup artist and can paint myself happy and glowing. One day, I won't have to do that either.
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