Thursday, August 26, 2010

face the music

Brit left today and I was finally able to have more than 30 minutes of silence in my apartment. It was time to face my feelings as I've been running from them for the past 2 weeks.

What The Nigerian did was fucked up but it was cultural. In English, I was told that 'but' in a sentence cancels out what comes before it. In this case, that is not true.

I finally told Brit what happened before she left. Being from Ghana and dealing with Nigerian men before, she asked me some hard questions. Questions, I didn't want to ask myself.

Do you like him still?
Some parts of me say he's weird. He is the polar opposite of Carter. He doesn't talk to me. He's guarded. He's constantly testing me. He challenges me in ways I haven't been challenged before.
He's awakened something sleeping inside of me that no one else has for a very long time.

Do you think you could be happy with him?
If we could find a comfortable place where we both set aside our pride. At this point, that's what it is...pride. I would have to swallow my words, my feelings and go back to him. I've never done that before. In the past, "We're done." Meant that we were done and I didn't have to say it THREE TIMES!

Are you done with him then, completely done?

Do you think something is still there?
Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? Why do I miss him? Why have I thought about him every day? Why did I delete all but one pic of us and I gaze at it every other day? Whyyyyyyyy? He's not nice.

Brit told me I should give it another try. I should see where it goes. She can tell he's been hurt before and he's not going to open up to me right away and if I'm willing to put in work, it may pay off. She says....I'm not handling this well because I'm not used to doing any work when it comes to guys and yes, I'm right. Things should be easy but he's scared and that fear is what's driving

I've been pondering Jaded's comment all day...(I listen to what ya'll say)

Don't sleep with Carter.

My first reaction was...Well, why not? Since, lovely Jaded wasn't around to ask...I asked myself.

Because you don't sleep with a man you've been kissing and dating just once and think he'll be satisfied.

Not to toot my own horn but even encounters intended to be 1-night stands turned into months-long dalliances. You can't have just one potato chip.

In my mind, I want to sleep with Carter once and then go back to The Nigerian. Not sleep with The Nigerian for a couple weeks to get our heads straight and then boom...everything is pink again.

Life doesn't work like that, so....
I have to say no to Carter.

Seriously, he was as I called it...a happy distraction and now I have to tell him I'm going back to the ex.

The feminist in me leave TN alone, have sex with Carter and let him know its just sexual and then...find another boyfriend...

We all know, that's not what's going to happen.

Maybe I'm going to learn patience. Maybe he doesn't want me and just wants to give me my book back. won't end we'll. Maybe it will.

I just don't know.
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