back to black

I cried all night last night. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep and then spent the day chauffering my grandmother around…literally, the entire day from 11am to 6pm. A little while after I got home, I had a BBM conversation with YW that pretty much confirmed everything I was feeling towards The Nigerian. Strangely enough, he hadn’t called me all day but had the time to have a full conversation with Brit this morning (albeit not a nice convo but still…)

It dawned on me. I got played.

He allowed me to think that I was in a relationship with him so he could get all the perks of one (from me) but without the work (from him.) While I was investing into “us” he kept investing in “him.” YW told me I should just fade off…no contact with him because if I tell him how I feel, he’s just going to talk me back into something with him which is true. So….I deleted our little pictures off FB, deleted his number, deleted him as a friend off FB and am trying to delete him from my mind.

I ran to the Beauty Supply store and got some red hair dye…and stood outside the barbershop looking like a stalker not sure of what my next step was going to be. I need a change. I need something. I got home and picked up the life-sized teddy bear my mom got me my first year in college and cried my eyes out. Cried because all I really want is what he was selling to be real and not hollow words. I want to be loved. I cried because I allowed myself to fall for it. Twice. I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

My next thought was of things I want to do. Part of me wants to not have sex for a while and another part of me wants to have sex with Carter when he comes into town on Friday. Both would feel like acts of spite . Part of me wants to be an angry man-hating woman who keeps her heart in a castle with a moat and a dragon. Part of me wants to desperately believe that love is not real. The other part of me is the wishes really hard that it is real and wants to love unconditionally.

I can detach myself at this point. I’m not in love. I’m just bracing myself for his backlash. His 50 phone calls…his emails..his craziness and I have to remind mysel that its not me that he wants…per se..he wants to know that I am there, under his thumb where he can see me and no other man can have me. He wants to have sex with me at will. He wants to trap me with a child. He wants what he wants and he doesn’t care about me, my feelings, my dreams…

Now, I have events to go to…emails to send, a houseguest, people I promised I’d have drinks with, BFF’s 25th birthday next week, events I have to help plan…and all I want to do is crawl into a tiny ball within myself. All I want to do is sit in a dark silent room and scream or cry or just stare into the darkness in my own thoughts. But I can’t.
Such is life. Such is my life, anyway.