tectonic plates

there is a shifting going on inside of me. a move in my attitude. an awakening.

after i wrote that blog post, i made two calls.

carter.
i told him i might want to get back with the nigerian and that i still wanted to sleep with him. he said..."flow with what you think is right. whatever you want from me, whether it is a relationship or just sex, i'm here. i'm yours..if you want me." he said he would come by today (friday) to take care of my little itch.

the nigerian.
he was in true nigerian form. cagey. busy. withdrawn. he answered the phone and spoke to me as if nothing had changed.

i suggested we meet and talk in person. he said...why, when he was listening then.
"did you think you lost me?" no answer. "repeat the question." silence from me.
"do you still like me?" "i don't like anyone." "i'm not just anyone." "i like everyone."

irritated but voice still calm.
"are you really going to play this game with me right now?"
"i'm not playing a game. i don't like this feeling. like you're pressuring me."
"im not pressuring you. i'm just trying to see where i stand, how you feel about me."
"i can't do this now. my head is not here. i have an event tomorrow. i'm tied up doing stuff. maybe we should talk in person."

exasperated.
"that's what i said."

we agreed to meeting on monday.

and then i started thinking.
fuck the nigerian. here, carter is handsome. he's funny, smart, ambitious, driven, and most of all.....
he talks to me. he listens to me. he opens up to me.

WHY would i leave that to go to someone who is distrustful, uncommunicative and in recent history has not been very nice to me?

WHY would i even come to carter with that bullshit?

WHY would i jeopardize carter for the nigerian?

because i'm an idiot.

i woke up today. went to target. got a pedicure. cleaned the house, changed the sheets, called carter.

he "forgot" he was supposed to come over. either, he's pissed at my decision to go back to the nigerian or he really wanted to play madden. he asked if i wanted to come to his house and play madden with him. O.o

i passed.

i told him i was an idiot for wanting even for a second to go back to the nigerian and that we will talk on monday because i need....closure. he understood.

but, my bed is empty right now.
the wheels started turning in my head and i realized that my attitude is changing back to the person i was 2 years ago.

after afroman.

enter blair. enter dame. enter aussie.

these were the people i slept with thinking that i was empowered and could handle a fwb situation. the blog was so steamy. your monitor would fog up. these people hardened me against men. i picked up the mantra..."i'm doing me and you just because." this attitude drove me to celibacy after aussie.and celibacy has driven me to carter who is taking his time because he likes me. which i appreciate..but only marginally.

and celibacy has taught me that carter is a gem and to appreciate him.
it has also taught me to control my urges. my willpower is amazing. but lately...as in for the past 3 days...i've masturbated like a madwoman...feeling like those first few days of celibacy again. also equating my situation to being let out of prison fearing being put back in.

either way, there is a new me emerging. she looks like old me.
ruthless, cunning,exacting.

she's got some new traits.
fearless, assured.

this is slightly scary.