Wednesday, May 30, 2012


My mind has been everywhere this week.
(LAST) Tuesday, I called DK and I told him that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me in the same way I did him. I want to see him and talk to him more but if he wanted those same things it would happen. I told him I wanted to leave him alone. He begs for another chance. There's a good explanation. Lets talk about it in person.  Fine. I give in.
From Tuesday, he texts me on SATURDAY. Not even wanting to meet up. Just saying hello. I threw out hints. He didn't even respond.
That said to me that nothing changed.
I took myself to see The Avengers. I swear...every cute couple in the vicinity made sure they walked in my path. I was heartsick.
On the train, there was a couple holding hands, talking, laughing. The guy would lovingly grab the back of the girl's neck. It was the sexiest thing. I started crying on the train.
I don't want roses everyday, grandiose expressions of love...I just want simple. Lets be together. Lets touch, laugh, talk.
I wrote him an email.Here it is:

Dear DK,

I don't consider myself to be a bitch, a nag or a person to demand things because I don't like for people to bitch, nag or demand things of me. I met you a year ago. From the first date, my answer was yes. I thought that you were funny, hard-working, chivalrous and most of all special. I knew that I wanted to build something with you. My answer was yes from day 1. And so, a year later, when I ask you the same question....your answer is unclear to me. You say yes sometimes but your actions always say no. Honestly, it doesn't take a year to know if you like someone enough for a relationship.

Calling you is like playing Russian Roulette in my mind. Will he answer? Won't he? I plan out when I'm going to text you so I can get an answer by a certain time because I know it takes at least 20 minutes to hear back from you, sometimes hours or maybe days. The things I'm asking you for are simple. I'm not trying to get married or even have you change your FB status or declare your love for me. I'm simply asking for a phone call, a movie date, a stroll in the park but I feel like an asshole for asking for these things because you don't have time. But, you have time for the gym or going out with the guys or whatever you really want to do. When I see you, I want to hold your hand or hug you or show you that I like you with non-sexual affection but I feel like I'm going to be rejected if I do that. And so, if I feel like that...the answer is no. These things should come natural.

After our last conversation, the same two phrases came to my mind: "I don't want anything I have to beg for" and "If the answer is no, let me go." I am an amazing woman. I would figure out a way to get you the moon if you asked me. I feel as though I deserve someone who would at least get me a star. I feel like you would only want be around for sex or to hang around until you have it all figured out. I'm not a CD that you can pause, rewind, fast forward and play at your leisure. Foolishly, I've developed feelings for you and since you don't want me in the same way I want you, you're now hurting me.

This sucks because I have faith that no matter where you go and what you do, you will succeed in life. No matter what, you will win. Always remember that. I wish you the best. I hope that you have all that you really want and that any obstacles you encounter are just there to teach you something. I wanted us to be friends and enjoy the city together this summer. I wanted a lot for us but it is not possible.


With love,


I feel like an idiot for falling for him. Now, my heart is hurting and there's nothing I can do. I hate it.
The worst part is he still hasn't responded.
Makes me feel even worse!
I've been pretending not to be hurt. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but it does hurt and I have cried. It was almost love. Love is so precious. There was no way I could stay and continue on and act like it was what I wanted. I'd rather pretend with myself than with someone else. Idk. Was I wrong?

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Gye Nyame

I've been busy writing my first has been a crazy experience. I thought I wouldn't have enough creativity to carry a 50,000 word story but thankfully, it has been flowing pretty nicely. In my mind, it would be finished and published by July but I want to beable to take my time and really develop my idea fully. I haven't really been talking to many people about it and some are feeling like I'm neglecting them but honestly. I get off of work and I'm exhausted but I make myself write 2500 words a night. I don't really have room to chit chat about nothing really. I have work to do.
Its just annoying.
I've been super on the fence with DK because I feel like feelings are one-sided and that is not fun. I invited him to go out to dinner on me because he pays for every date and really I just wanted to pick his brain and tell him how I'm feeling. He canceled last minute. He's graduating from college and he had to pick up his cap and gown and he apparently didn't know until the last minute.
I felt like shit because I'd gotten all dressed up and was looking forward to it all day. He said he would make it up to me this Tuesday. I'm just not holding my breath with him anymore. Part of me just wants to let him go. I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. Lately, I've been with people who are just crazy.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


(Written 4/26)
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again.  I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch.  Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way." the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500.  After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood.  Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.