Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again. I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch. Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500. After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood. Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.