Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Scatterbrains

My mind has been everywhere this week.
(LAST) Tuesday, I called DK and I told him that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me in the same way I did him. I want to see him and talk to him more but if he wanted those same things it would happen. I told him I wanted to leave him alone. He begs for another chance. There's a good explanation. Lets talk about it in person.  Fine. I give in.
From Tuesday, he texts me on SATURDAY. Not even wanting to meet up. Just saying hello. I threw out hints. He didn't even respond.
That said to me that nothing changed.
I took myself to see The Avengers. I swear...every cute couple in the vicinity made sure they walked in my path. I was heartsick.
On the train, there was a couple holding hands, talking, laughing. The guy would lovingly grab the back of the girl's neck. It was the sexiest thing. I started crying on the train.
I don't want roses everyday, grandiose expressions of love...I just want simple. Lets be together. Lets touch, laugh, talk.
No.
I wrote him an email.Here it is:

Dear DK,

I don't consider myself to be a bitch, a nag or a person to demand things because I don't like for people to bitch, nag or demand things of me. I met you a year ago. From the first date, my answer was yes. I thought that you were funny, hard-working, chivalrous and most of all special. I knew that I wanted to build something with you. My answer was yes from day 1. And so, a year later, when I ask you the same question....your answer is unclear to me. You say yes sometimes but your actions always say no. Honestly, it doesn't take a year to know if you like someone enough for a relationship.

Calling you is like playing Russian Roulette in my mind. Will he answer? Won't he? I plan out when I'm going to text you so I can get an answer by a certain time because I know it takes at least 20 minutes to hear back from you, sometimes hours or maybe days. The things I'm asking you for are simple. I'm not trying to get married or even have you change your FB status or declare your love for me. I'm simply asking for a phone call, a movie date, a stroll in the park but I feel like an asshole for asking for these things because you don't have time. But, you have time for the gym or going out with the guys or whatever you really want to do. When I see you, I want to hold your hand or hug you or show you that I like you with non-sexual affection but I feel like I'm going to be rejected if I do that. And so, if I feel like that...the answer is no. These things should come natural.

After our last conversation, the same two phrases came to my mind: "I don't want anything I have to beg for" and "If the answer is no, let me go." I am an amazing woman. I would figure out a way to get you the moon if you asked me. I feel as though I deserve someone who would at least get me a star. I feel like you would only want be around for sex or to hang around until you have it all figured out. I'm not a CD that you can pause, rewind, fast forward and play at your leisure. Foolishly, I've developed feelings for you and since you don't want me in the same way I want you, you're now hurting me.

This sucks because I have faith that no matter where you go and what you do, you will succeed in life. No matter what, you will win. Always remember that. I wish you the best. I hope that you have all that you really want and that any obstacles you encounter are just there to teach you something. I wanted us to be friends and enjoy the city together this summer. I wanted a lot for us but it is not possible.

Goodbye.

With love,

Nina

I feel like an idiot for falling for him. Now, my heart is hurting and there's nothing I can do. I hate it.
The worst part is he still hasn't responded.
Makes me feel even worse!
I've been pretending not to be hurt. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but it does hurt and I have cried. It was almost love. Love is so precious. There was no way I could stay and continue on and act like it was what I wanted. I'd rather pretend with myself than with someone else. Idk. Was I wrong?

3 comments:

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

*exhales deeply* WHY was I damn near holding my breath reading this letter because this was me. ALL OF THIS WAS ME. Damn why do we do this to ourselves?! Why can't these men just be straight up with us? We don't expect much but what we DO expect we can't even get half...I just don't understand this. I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Aren't we deserving? You make time for what you want to make time for. Man listen...I was there! Texting after a certain time when I knew he would be free or being considerate of the fact that he couldn't answer "during certain times" because he was "so busy" FUCK THAT! If you wanna talk to me, you know how to find me. UGH! I feel like crying for you because I've been there and I know what it feels like to want someone to just be appreciative of the potential you see...girl. I'm sorry. As always, we pick up the pieces and keep it moving. It just sucks having someone scatter the pieces we've held together so well for so long.

Trish said...

I totally understand this post. I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting more for yourself. We women deserve so much but tend to settle. I'm proud of you!

Miss♥K said...

OMG I too held my breath as I read this- Ive been through this more than once and it sux. WHY WHY WHY do we do this to ourselves and why do men treat women this way- they lead us on to think one thing when theyre really feeling something different but treath us like stuffed animals sitting on a shelf waiting to be played with- one week were off the shelf smiling from having so much fun playing then back on the shelf collecting dust then 3 mnths later he reaches up to grab us - we get excited - then he puts us right back on the shelf for what he wants to do - im so sick of it- love is a fucking game- Ive said this many of times- Im so tired of luv- I won't go gay so I guess i'll become a nun- save me the fucking heartache shit! lol