Sense and Sensibility

I told BFF everything that happened yesterday (last post). I was struggling within myself because The Nigerian moves me. He makes me want something with him. He stirs something inside of me that hadn't been stirred in a while.

I was seriously thinking about breaking my celibacy for him.

BFF listened and talked to me about my reasons why. Honestly, I miss close intimate contact with someone but I want more than the physical stuff.

He would put the taste in my mouth but not quench my thirst.

"If he likes you, he will wait," she said.

Our generation doesn't know how to wait...doesn't know what too fast is and that's sad.

I want to do it but I'm not comfortable yet and why should I rush myself?

Tomorrow is the last discussion I want to have about it with him. At least for a while. Take it or leave it, I want to say. I'm prepared for both.
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Boundaries

(Long post)

I had a talk with Twin about the last post. I mean...if anyone could smack some sense into me, it would be him.

So, he told me I was being irrational, expecting The Nigerian to understand where I was coming from. So, we spoke briefly. He still wanted me to come to his house. I did.

As soon as I walked through the door, he hugged and kissed me. I could tell he really missed me. I met another random friend of his. His friend conveniently left and I sat on his chair. He knelt in front of me and started kissing on my thighs, running his hand up and down my legs. He parted them open. Stop. He looked at me like a child who'd been caught sneaking cookies.

I explained to him my celibacy. He looked shocked but he understood but I could still see a little sexual frustration.

He stood me up and we danced barefoot to an African artist named, Eve. It was beautiful. It felt so spontaneous and romantic. He grabbed me from behind. I could feel his excitement. He turned me around. Fell to his knees. Unbuttoned my shirt. TN...I said. He said he wanted to look at me.

I protested of course. We danced some more and kissed.

"What's the problem?" he asked.
"I have boundaries and you should respect that."
"I have boundaries too. Don't talk to me in public. Don't touch my hair. Don't kiss in public. How does that make you feel? Restricted right? I don't want to have boundaries with you. I want to go with the flow."

That sounded good to me. He took off my shirt and bra and stared at me. He took of my skirt and body shaper (lol).

"I have my period."
"I wasn't going to look inside you."
He traced his fingers down my spine tattoo and kissed it. He sat me down and took off his shirt and shorts. He did a lil spin for me.

"Look at me like how I'm looking at you."

He is gorgeous.

He led me to his bedroom and we laid on his bed holding each other.

"I just wanted to cuddle." he said.
He called me mysterious woman and looked in my eyes. I told him that he was the mysterious one and he told me to ask him anything I wanted to know. Again, blank.

I asked him about his past relationships. He said, they are the past. Why bring them up? Hmmmmm. He said I should never compare myself to any woman. Ever. (True true, lol)

He flipped me over and kissed me, opened my legs, let me feel his hardness, licked and sucked my breasts, held me. He felt so good.

"I want to devour you," he said looking into my eyes while dry humping me. (Lol)

We laid down wrapped in each other, saying little. He dozed off a bit. I was lost in my own thoughts. my phone was keeping me anxious as it went off ever 5 minutes. I had to leave soon to go to the movie set. J would be calling.

He did. He called and I got up and dressed. Perfect timing because his friend came back as soon as I was dressed and re-applied my makeup.

I told him I was considering breaking my celibacy with him, which I am. I don't like anxious feeling I get from him surrounding the topic so I think I'll let him wait some more. Even after my period is long gone.

I've been around enough to know once you stay in the house, once you start having sex, once you stop going out...that's it. How do I put this brotha on ice without hurting his pride and ego?
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Hungry Dog or Eager Man?

Soooooooo....we started making the movie that I wrote the screenplay to and it is GRUELING! I've been getting home at 9am each day which means I sleep all day and do it again. I've had no chance to get things done. My house is a mess. My grandmother's stuff is in disarray. I haven't been a productive at all.

Anyways...in the midst of this, I've been trying to hang out with TN, Twin and BFF. Needless to say, I haven't been successful.

Sooooo....Wednesday. We had a day off from filming but everyone was busy. I had a meeting for a photo shoot I did today and I promised my friend I'd see him rock his show. I got home at 1:30. The Nigerian called me asked me to come over. He also asked me to come over on Date #2 and I said no. This time I was like "What are we going to do?"

He said he just wanted to cuddle, talk and kiss. I thought it was cute.
He says, "I don't want to cuddle with you anymore. I'm not inviting you anymore. Coming over is a choice and you're choosing not to come."

I said, "Not really. I explained it to you. You know my reasons."

He said, "Bottom line. Are you choosing to come over. Yes or no?l

I said no.

Then out of nowhere he says, "Don't think I want to have sex with you so if you think that put it out of your mind."

I totally want thinking that. (Should I have been?) I giggled.
I can't remember how we ended the conversation exactly. I know I mentioned something about going there in the DAYTIME the next day. We hung up.

Thursday, I was called in to help on the video set and called him to say I couldn't make it. He said he didn't remember us saying we would hang out but fine.

He calls me at 12:30am. I told him we were filming. He asked what time I would be done. It was supposed to be a light day so I said 2 or 3. He asked me to come over again. I said no. I thought it was inappropriate. He persisted. I asked, "What are your intentions?"

He said, "You are a grown woman. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

I felt that was hella rude and I was taken aback. I was like "Excuse me?"

He said, "Its okay if you're not attracted to me as a man as I am to you as a woman"

I said, "I am attracted to you but I think its too soon and I'm not ready to take that step. Don't you take your time. Everything feels so rushed."

He said, "Are you attracted to me? Do you want me to kiss you, hold you, touch you, make love to you?"

I said, "Yes but not all of that tonight." I told him that I probably wouldn't be coming over anyway because besides it being too late, I was working on a hot set all night and I'm sweaty and dirty.

He said, "If you really want to see me that shouldn't matter. I don't care."

I was stern and I said no. I'm not coming.

I had to go. I say this.

He says, "No one is stopping you!"
Word?!

He calls me back at 1:30, full on tired voice and says, "I'm waiting up on you."

Annoyed, I said, "No you're not. I'm not coming over!"

I hang up on him.

I'm pissed. I feel like all he wants is sex. At 7:30am, J is driving my home from the video set. TN calls. I ignore it and get upset. I tell him the whole story. He says: It must be more than sex if he's calling you at this time of the morning. If its just sex, he'll call you when its convenient.

I dunno. What do you guys think?
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Oh

(Two posts below this one)

So, yea...Carter follows me on Twitter and of course I was tweeting about my date. So, I guess to get my attention, he posts a link on my FB saying "We like those girl who not on TV cuz they got more ass than the models"

Really, son??
Really!?!

Thought that was an awesome way to reclaim your spot. Lol. Smh.
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Date #2

(Please read the post beneath this)

I literally laid in bed all day today, taking breaks to drink water and stretch a bit. I watched a couple of episodes of Star Trek as I mustered the energy to get up and do something. ANYTHING.

I saw on Twitter that everyone was at Prospect Park and secretly wanted The Nigerian (TN) to call me to go and he DID!

On the train, I asked him if me not kissing him upset him. He said he didn't understand why I wouldn't want to and I said...I felt it was forced. He said a kiss is a kiss and it doesn't mean anything. I disagree. I could see he might've been upset and I tried to make light of the situation by saying..."You're so sensitive!" He looked me in my eyes and said..."I am very sensitive and very jealous." (Shit! It was intense.) I told him I am not a jealous person (which I honestly don't think I am.)
As soon as we got to Prospect Park...it was PACKED! There was no phone service and I felt like we had no friends as I couldn't find anyone. Finally ran into some friends but they had no food. Lol. Ran into a boy I LOOOOOOOOOOVED in high school but had a girlfriend all the way through. He always wanted me to keep my hair natural and he saw me with my short cut and was like YES! TN walked up a bit further. His words swirling in my head, I didn't want to linger too much. He was like....is that your man? I was like...sort of. (Lol) He said...why you bringing sand to the beach?

True true. Lol
There were SO MANY beautiful black men out there...OMG! It was ridiculous. It made me almost want to go to the gym and get right. The way they were acting tho...so THIRSTY. I'm glad I was with TN. I didn't want dudes (and a couple of chicks) grabbing at me. Wtf son?

I felt really out of place amongst his friends. I really came out of nowhere in TN's life. I'm not his girlfriend. This is our 2nd date! Really, I didn't want him to meet any of my friends and I didn't want to meet his.

He introduced me to his friend who produces porn movies. His friend told me TN is going to shoot one (O.o) as long as he can stomach it. His friend was really graphic about how he was going to eff Pinky and at that point, TN was like...this is a lady. We shouldn't talk about this in front of her.

Thanks boo! -_-

TN introduced me to a photographer who talked to me all night. He was so cute and funny. He talked to me about how African men are really aggressive. He joked with me all night which was good because TN was basically with his friends, the porn guy (who I stayed away from) and some random girl who kept feeling up on his arm. Granted, he does have muscles. The photographer whom I shall call GJ (Ghanaian Joker) saw me looking at this chick hard and was like..."Don't worry. Girls that are all up on men like that don't want the man. They want something he has or he is." TN is pretty big in the African nightlife scene and everyone knows him but yea, GJ's words didn't really help.

GJ and I had some serious chemistry. He kept touching me which I couldn't tell if it was platonic...you my friend's girl..let's be cool or it was I like you, let's get closer. He did it in front of TN too...so yea..could be nothing. GJ happens to be a photographer and will do some stuff for me for free where my regular photog was going to charge me $250. BOOM!

TN is such a man. He said that thing about not paying for stuff but because we were in front of his friend, he paid for my lil fruit smoothie thang...funny. He invited me back to his place.

I was hungry. Read: angry bc my blood sugar was low and not in the mood to be touched. Read: sweaty. He actually wiped sweat off my face saying he doesn't care abt that.

I declined the invitation. We hugged and kissed and now I'm home. I may like this guy...a lot. He calls. He wants to see me. He's really affectionate. Its awesome!
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The Nigerian

We had been FB friends for months before I met him in person (March 2010). It was a happenstance situation where you just recognize someone you know from the internet. From there, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to date him. He's not my type at all. Not really. He's short - maybe 5"5. He's from Nigeria. I haven't really had a good track record with dating African men.

But he was persistent and consistently pursued me. Which, he gets some cool points for.

I gave in. Our schedules didn't really coincide until I decided to stop frontin and called him to see what he was doing.

(Pause. Our first convo before our date. He was like...are you seeing anyone? I said no. I'm dating though. He said the same. Then he asked me when I date who pays. He thinks we should pay for ourselves. This stirred up a lot of trouble amongst the girls)

So...we met up at Habana Outpost. He looked hella sexy in his fitted striped button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, khaki shorts and dress shoes. When I saw him again, I was like...ok. I can do this. Lol. We talked a lot about the notion of marriage, having multiple wives/husbands, society's expectation of men and women, etc.

After we left...we walked a little where he grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I turned my head and told him no. He tried twice more and I did the same thing.

I told him to stop. Other than that...it was sorta perfect.

I can't believe I actually like someone. Who knew?
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Where's Your Head At?

Mine is in so many places right now. Last week, my brother was supposed to come up from South Carolina. I told him I was feeling overwhelmed about the grandma situation and that his coming and staying for a week would help me out. Needless to say, he didn't show and hasn't returned my phone calls.

You know how you just know when someone is going to let you down? He constantly does and I always give him the benefit of the doubt that he won't.

*le sigh*

Today is Day 3 of an 18-day fast I'm on. I was sitting in church on Sunday and I swear, God spoke to me plain as day telling me to go on this fast. I knew it had to be Him because I've never stuck to a fast for more than a few hours.

This one is: no soda, no artificial juices, no alcohol, only fruit and veggies, and only 1 meal after 5pm.

Pepsi is my crutch. No lie. I must drink at least 2 bottles a day. I'm not that hungry during the day really...I just crave stuff like Lil Debbie pies, Blow Pops, Laffy Taffy, omg! Doritos!!!

The first 2 days were fine. Today, I felt sick to my stomach and sour in my mouth. I was miserably counting down the minutes til 5pm. Even after I ate, I still felt sick.

I'm still on it though. I think my body needs to detox. My lower back hurts like hell which probably means kidney problems (hereditary) and I don't have insurance to investigate. Gotta figure something out.

Gi is pregnant. She seems happy. Her baby father is going to give her problems. I can tell. He's not the most stand-up guy but she wanted a baby. I know she did and she feels she can do it alone so...*shrug* I check in on her and I'll do what I can for her. She's 6 weeks in. I really wish her the best!

BFF is still with Punjabi. He gave her a car. The car is pretty ummm...funny. It looks pretty on the outside. Its just the driver's side window doesn't go down, the security system is faulty. Stuff like that but she's happy and it gets her from home to school which is really what she needed.

The same thing is going on in my love department. The dudes that excite me are with gorgeous women and the ones who low-key repulse me are at it.

Oh yea, so Aussie and I spoke probably around the time the last post was...he says, we don't work because I don't try. That really pissed me off bc I feel like I try too much. Yadda yadda. So, my phone breaks...I was on my old phone for a week. Didn't have his #. He doesn't call or text me. I get a replacement. Find his #. Text him

"Life is funny. Isn't it?"

He calls me. Says, his ex is stalking him. He changed his # (to his current one that I had). She got a restraining order against him (lying on him.) She called him and text him. He got locked up for violating the restraining order. His grandma had to pay $2400 for his bail. She called and text him again. He almost got arrested again but he had proof she was abusing the system. So, in the midst of all of that...he didn't want to get me involved by calling or texting and have her get my info and harass me.

Part of me believes it. Part of me is like whatever. I'm D-O-N-E!
There's always a story. There's always some drama. I don't need it. Jaded's words kept ringing in my head, "Don't you ever get frustrated by how much it just doesn't work out?"

The answer is yes.

I'm falling back and I'm letting whomever court me. Fuck it.

Other than that, my social calendar is full. My work calendar has some slots booked. I'm trying to wade through my emotional turmoil to be productive.

I will check in with you guys soon.

Bisous!
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Friday

I was determined to make it out to the club to shake my ass. Grandma is back in the hospital. Thursday, she couldn't breathe and they sent her to the emergency room. They're not really sure what's wrong with her but they're keeping her for tests and such. I have to be signed over as Power of Attorney to pay her bills and keep things afloat for her. I also have to be named as medical proxy to make decisions for her as well.

Heavy stuff for a 24 year old.

Mom isn't really offering too much support other than getting it notarized for free for me and judging me that I'm not busting my hump to get it done. Friday, we decided to do it at 6pm. The bank was closed and I wanted to shake my ass. She wanted me to go to Staples before the shaking of the ass to get the document. What would that have done? ....she just wanted me to have it ready. Firstly, its a holiday weekend and I'm on foot/public transportation. Did she offer to take me? no. sooooooo...ummmm, yea.

I was really overwhelmed.
I saw Grandma in the hospital, turned on her TV for her and went to the afterwork spot from there. I was looking hot in my white/black striped skirt and strappy heels. The place wasn't crowded but I know the guys who promote that spot. I haven't been out in a while so they were really happy to see me.

They had bottle service which they let me partake in...free wine, chicken fingers, strawberries and fries. (WIN) I still bought 2 drinks....Absolute Peach and coke. Yummmy!
After that, they poured me like 3 drinks...mind you, my tolerance for alcohol isn't really that great. So, 6 drinks and I was still functional but really happy.

I slow-danced with one of the promoters to some song...(i forget) but it was nice...ever dance with someone who knows how to handle a lady? It is awesome. I think I may have spilled alcohol on my phone because by the time I got to Brooklyn, it kept turning off and on...Needless to say...that ish is DONE.

As I was walking down the street, this guy in a car is kissing at me. I had to stop at the bus stop where he stopped, got out of his car and started talking to me. If I were sober, I probably would've cursed him out...he was saying outlandish things like..."how many kids do you want?" "i know we're going to be together" blah blah blah but because I was inebriated, I laughed in his face which he took for encouragement to keep going. He kept smelling the air around me saying my perfume was intoxicating, making 'rarrr" noises and trying to give me a ride home. After his 5th request I was like..LOOK, these are your options...wait with me for the bus or put me in a cab. He was like...you would take a cab but not my car home. If you want to pay someone to take you home, you can pay me. I was like...you don't need to know where I live, ninja! He just wouldn't drop it. I was pissed because my phone was broken. I was going to take a cab anyway but now that he was talking to me...I didn't want him to follow the cab (or something crazy) and the bus was NOT coming. My buzz was off. He told me he has 5 kids but he's questioning 2. I'm guessing they are with 2 different women. He told me he was really fertile and he wouldn't mind making babies with me. I said "NO THANKS" to which he replied...well, we can try. I was like..."Get out of my face." He started laughing as if he were joking and he said a whole bunch of other bullshit. Come to think of it, I should've just cursed him out. At least, I could've saved my buzz and 30 minutes waiting for the bus to take me 10 mins home.

Everything minus the stupid guy was what I needed...mind-numbing fun, booty shaking and free liqs...

Deep Thoughts

I hit 1,000 posts!! YAYYYYYY! I've shared 3 1/2 years of my life right here in this space and I'm glad to have done that with ya'll.. I've made some blog friends...lost some blog friends but all has been awesome! Soooooooooo, yea, since I don't think you guys want long posts...this is what happened today...I'll post other stuff later.

Today was the 4th of July and we (Wynsters, her friends and her bf) spent it on a rooftop in the village. It was pretty awesome. Before that, I was at church. Church was awesome as well. I love my church because I always feel empowered. I always leave feeling like I should do something that brings me closer to God which is the sole reason for going, no?

Anywhosies....as I was leaving, I ran into BG. I couldn't find posts related to him but I change people's monikers sometimes so, I don't know. Anyway...BG is the poster-child for what I would want in a man. He's educated, learned, traveled, successful in his own business, mature, loves God with all his heart, yadda yadda...anyways...I kind of had my eye on him for a while when he says he has a girlfriend that lives in PA. I didn't get specifics but he basically has the means to drive out there to see her when he wants. He brings her to church today. There they were in their matching suits and she is gorgeous. I felt like an ogre. I ran into a dude I knew from my old church and he was giving me no vibes. Anyways, seeing BG and his girl threw me into a sadness.

I'm alone.

A lot of people think it is by choice but really....I WANT a boyfriend. I do. It just kind of sucks that I'm not meeting anyone that a) who likes me that is available b)who likes me that I like back or c) who likes me that I like back that I could date which is different from being available. I really thought about it and I had to ask myself:

Is it that these girls or faster than me that they reached the "Finish Line" before I did or was I never even in the race? Would I date me?

Then I thought up a whole list of things that I would change about me and began to feel sad when Wynsters invited me to the roof to watch the fireworks. Yea, a roof is not the best place to be when you're sad but I could never jump off a roof in front of my friend so...I guess it was fine. We had fun. I tried to hide my melancholy from them which I think I did. So, well done.

But really that question was eating at me...am I dateable? I don't know what I need to do to rope a man but I need to figure it out...loneliness sucks.