Great Expectations

**There are 3 posts under this one. (I know they're hella long) but I need advice! So, please read! Thank you!**

My party is on Thursday (as is, my birthday) and I'm just so......
I don't know about it.

Everyone's apparently getting all decked out and going to the MAX and I wasn't expecting that. They say its because I'm a makeup artist and they know I'm gonna be fly.

I wasn't planning on it. Lol

I told one of the girls...you don't really understand my personality. I'm a nerd, a Star Trek geek. Yea, I do makeup but when it comes to me: pj's, Pepsi and a CSI marathon. She was like..."Yeah right."

So, that's another aspect of it I need to think about.
___________________________

Olu is either really crazy or really into me.

Usually, its the former.
He told me he got kicked out of his house today. He's staying with a friend.

Its one thing to go in with someone and then the chips fall than to have them all fall when you meet them.

My friends are all telling me to run. They say I always have a soft spot for fixer uppers.

I told him I don't think we should try anything now. He has too much going on. Maybe he's not ready.

He said, "I'm not giving up. My situation does not define me as a man. Why should I give up? I like you. You stimulate every part of me. You're sexy, beautiful, smart and funny. Why would I just say okay and let you go?"

I said, "Just like you have trust issues, I have issues about always being the one who has it together. The other person in the relationship always becomes a burden to me. I can't go through that again. You will have to show me you're real."

He said, "You have to prove yourself to me, too. I see the potential in what we can be and I think we can work through our issues together."

He made a rather convincing case.
Editor was not convinced. She thinks I'm wasting my time. I told Editor, I will give him 6 months. I'll remain celibate (yay!) and if he doesn't have a job/apartment then I walk. I went through hell with Afroman when he didn't have it together only for him to leave and be with L and then suddenly do what he's supposed to...Time will tell.

Why do the crazy ones hold on with two hands and the sane ones don't lift a finger to make you stay?
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Pump the Heartbreaks!

I've been posting like a madwoman and I have at least 1 or 2 posts in me.
Read this, and this first!

Olu BBM'ed me after we spoke about his faux girlfriend.

"If you're as real as you say you are, I'm going to make you my girl."

I called him. I told him that was nice but I just met him. I don't have expectations for people. There are things we have to account for which was compatibility and such.

He said he wasn't worried about him. He knew how great he was and if I'm as great as he thinks I am, then we should b together. He majored in Politics, Economics and Law and minored in Psychology.

For some reason, that scared me. I don't like when people try to get into my head.

I want to go slooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I said.

I'm down with that, he said.

We'll see.

In an unrelated note...on Wednesday morning, before all this stuff with Olu and Archer.
I washed my face, threw on some sweats, my ankle length bubble coat and hat and ran out the house. I just needed to get something from the store and I usually look like crap when I do. As I turned the corner, I saw Blair.

He looked great.

His skin was nice and smooth, looking like a dark chocolate Hershey's bar. He had on a tight sweater and sweats. He had a cell phone in his hand and in the other a gym belt. He was coming from the gym obviously...His body is tight.

I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. We spoke our hellos and that was it.

I didn't look back.

I thought to myself how I never wanted to feel like that again. Like.....wanting something from someone they will never give me.

I told myself I would remember that feeling.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Read this post first!

Right, so.....

BFF is in Connecticut for the weekend. I told her over gchat about Olu.
Oh yea, it starts off because I told him I was celibate in our first conversation on the phone. He said wow for like 5 mins straight. lol

BFF: cuz its like i just met you, we on the train, why you need to know all that right now but i understand

me: bc it either makes them stay to see if they can get some or run away knowing they cant he says he can't believe i'm single

BFF: really, well, weeds out the losers

me: all the way single yea, to hear you tell it, i love losers


BFF: ol hey thats true, most people are tied up in stuff they dont want or dont need but stay in it to say they got somebody ... like me! nah you dont you used to attract some, but theyre gone now

me: lol they may be making a comeback idk...lol he's 6"5 3/4

BFF: here we go, hes big and brawny and nina's swooning
dont ask me about these things because now im going to come over extremely overprotective

me: hunh?

BFF: 1. he got kids and a baby mama 2. he knows hes sexy, you dont need to tell him, but youve already verified that in his mind

me: how so?

BFF: by raping him with your eyes! i know you! you saw and you said "me likey!!!" rawrrr lol

me: lol

BFF: i dont know homie, it just seems like if you didnt like your baby mama enough to stay with her and want to be with her, then why you have kids with her? and not just one, two? like i said, i feel overprotective and judgmental. perhaps cuz ive already plotted out in my mind what my life wouldve looked like in a semi-similar situation

me: umm 2 baby mamas *Cringe*
he was with the one girl
she admitted she was cheating on him he left her and slept with someone else they both got pregnant. he didn't know abt the first kid until much later they took a paternity test

BFF: i dont know
people are crazy
im part of this group so i can talk about them 1. why have unprotected sex with someone you dont know that well and let them cum in you and knock you up? they could have had any number of diseases, thank God they didnt, but they still knocked you up
you aint married, you aint prepared if you were, this would be planned and he wouldnt be available for you to talk to

me: wow, this judgment now

BFF: yeah it is and its hard

me: now, BFF...after everything you've been thru
this is where it comes because you've been thru it and you know better

BFF: because everybodys situation isnt the same but i feel at the core it kinda is
yeah i do know

me: judge not lest ye be judged

BFF: but i just dont know why people put themselves through this

me: why did you?

BFF: yeah i know, im working on it
outta f-ing stupidity

me: there ya go

BFF: didnt make no dang sense

me: hopefully, they all learned right along with you

BFF: i certainly hope so
forgive me
im just bitter

me: yea, i'm not saying life is perfect but dang...you can't throw your bitterness into other people's situations
it's new
his breath may stink all the time and i may not like him but you cant discount ppl

BFF: im sorry thats why i was saying i shouldnt even give my opinion. it wouldnt come out right yeah i know

me: yea, but ur my bff and i know its rough but i can't not ask your opinion or tell you something and not get feedback

FF: yeah i know, i'll try to be nicer

me: you've told me stuff that i want to go in on but i check myself

BFF:well i hope that something helpful comes out of our convos :)

me: whose?

BFF: ours

me: of course i have my guard up and i try to be smart

BFF: yeah i know you do. luv ya girly

me: I know you do. I love you too. That's why I call you out on your mess.

BFF: don't I know it! lol

Three's Company

(once again, this is super long....my bad but i haven't updated in a minute)

I waited in my grayscale cheetah tights, flat knee high boots, cropped leather jacket and my iPod at the train station for Editor. He walked past, did a double take and spoke.

I was not going to say anything...I'm in deflector mode as always, but for some reason, I took the earbuds out and listened.

His name Olu. He's Nigerian by heritage. "He's 6ft 5 and 3/4," he laughs...stating that he doesn't like to lie and say that he's 6"6, since he's not quite there. He's charming, aggressive. He's fresh out of college and looking for a job. He has pillowy lips that I couldn't stop staring at and small very slanted eyes that make him look exotic. His skin is the color of charcoal. He's gorgeous. He was very complimentary of me, calling me beautiful every other sentence. It was nice. He's my type..tall, dark and handsome. I couldn't stop saying his name over and over. Four syllables. We chatted until Editor came (late...boo!) and even on the train until he got off. I like him.

Editor and I were on our way to a birthday party for a woman I have no feelings for...negative or positive. She is beautiful though.

He snuck up behind me. Archer. We'd shared fliratious affections for each other at other events. He was different, last night. He was not in his usual business casual attire. He had on a hoodie, sweater, bubble vest, jeans and sneakers. His glasses were gone. He was even more sexy than usual. His long locs were almost waist-length.

He's so charming. We had an actual conversation and he wowed me. He floored me with his ease. He works in the club scene and he's also an artist. He sees hot women all the time. He has an old school way about him. I really like him.

I listened to his music and told him I would put it on the playlist for my party. I listened as he talked about whatever excited him. He felt as though he were talking a lot. He was, but I enjoyed it.

I asked the question I wanted to know more than anything.

I asked casually, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No," he answered. I raised my eyebrows, not really believing it.

"What type of women do you like?"

"Beautiful, funny nerds."

I laughed. I didn't want to assume...but...come on! (lol)

He asked me the same...

"Smart, nerdy, God-fearing. Like, really God-fearing..not like...yea girl, I love God now can I hit it."

He laughed showing his dimples. He's only a few inches taller than me. Not really my thing but he has everything else I've seen recently. I dig him. I told him I would be calling him for lunch or something.

Hopefully, that will happen. I can't see anything past next week.

Olu has a unique name and so when I typed his name into Fac.ebook's Find Friends Search Criteria, I was certain I would find him.

I did. I perused his page and was assaulted with an entire photo album dedicated to his "girlfriend." The most important female in his life. I was flabbergasted.

I immediately BBM'ed him, thinking of ahh he said about being truthful.

I said, "I'm having a party next week. This is the info. Maybe you should bring Robyn."

"Who"

"Robyn, your girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfiend."

"I Facebooked you."

He called me. He asked me to look at the dates he posted that album and the last comments she wrote. He made that album in 2007. They broke up in April 2009. She last commented Jan 21, 2009. I was thinking that was last week. I felt so stupid. We laughed about it. I can feel the amount of baggage he has. He's been hurt badly.

He said, "I told you. I don't play games and I don't lie."

I'm going to hold on to that.

Ummmmm, also, he has 2 kids. They're the same age and they're not twins.

Yikes.

He said he had a girlfriend. She was cheating on him. When he found out, he started messing with another girl. They were both pregnant. The ex, he didn't know she had a child until months after he was born. They did a paternity test and it's his. Did I mention he's 24?

MORE TO COME!

Eternal Sunshine...

(Scroll down, there's another post below this)

I hadn't spoken to him since (see Take A Stand post on Dec 7th).
I hadn't really thought of his silence as deliberate, although he was always available to gchat and we'd had constant communication. The notion hit me today, 2 months later as I made a joke that his (now unborn child) should be in college by now.

There was no response...just my words hanging in gchat limbo.

I went to Facebook at the same time not thinking of that situation. Looking over my FB Chat, there he was...online. I didn't say anything to him. I went to my home screen, he'd updated his status. His picture looked like he was at a baby shower. So I clicked on it. He was home for Christmas.

Wow.

He hadn't called or anything.

The first thing that came to mind was:

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooou.

I wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. I wanted to spit it at him like daggers. The words did not come from me.

I was hurt.
I'd never stopped loving him. The love had changed from that intense need and longing for him physically and emotionally, to a love that cautioned him. Urged him to eat better, stop smoking weed. A love that pushed him to pursue his passion and not resign himself to what he was doing. It was a love that wanted to see his child grow up although the fact that he had a child with a woman who was not me cut me deeply. A wound that had not scabbed over. I could deal with it. I just never thought of my life without him in it.

So, I must let go of him. Why should anyone hang on to someone who so quickly let me go? He has a family with someone else.

I've told myself this all day...and yet, it burns in my chest. I shared so much with him. I've truly felt as though I was really going to spend the rest of my life with him and now it is just....dust in the wind.

I kind of wish he'd said something. Told me. Is that stupid? To want someone to tell you they're not going to communicate with you anymore? I wouldn't have tried to convince him otherwise. I would've tried to understand the reasons why.

And so now, the scalpel is out. I have to dissect him from my life.
Twitter is done. Gchat is done. I almost deleted him from FB tonight, but...I couldn't. Tomorrow, I have to delete him, his 2 sisters, and 2 brothers from FB and Twitter. I don't go on myspace but if ever I do...I'll delete him or maybe, I'll go on just to delete him.

I'm trying to front to myself that I'm not hurt but I am.

The wound will bleed and I'll clean it. It will start to scab and maybe I'll pick at it. It may begin to bleed again. Eventually I'll get tired of hurting and the scab will form. New skin will regenerate and before you know it, I'll be all healed up.
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Malfunctions

Twin made me a skirt intended for New Year's Eve. I decided to wear a dress my mom bought me instead. In hindsight, that was a Grade A decision.

Today, I channeled Carolina Herrera in a white button down shirt and a beautiful black and gold embroidered skirt, black tights and black patent leather pumps. As I bent down to pick up something that had fallen before I left the house, I heard a few stitches pop on the side of the skirt. No biggie.

No, it was a warning.

As I entered the bus, a few more stitches popped. This time, in the back where I had a slit. As I sat down, more stitches popped. I got up, more stitches. Until, my entire butt was exposed. I was more than a few stops from home which meant a 20 minute walk in heels to do a wardrobe change, guaranteeing I'd be late or risking the chance of going to a store near church, getting safety pins and pinning my skirt together. there was a chance, I'd make it on time.

I thought the latter was a good plan. The 3rd store I went into had pins of all sizes. Perfect right. But, the more I pinned it, the more it felt like my thighs were growing and the fabric was not coming together at all!

I was right across the street from church and now a 30 minute ride home on the bus, $12 cab ride home and 20 minutes into the service.

I held my head high and covered my exposed thigh as much as possible and walked into service late.

The message was right on point!
I felt as though if I'd missed it, I wouldve missed something valuable.

After the service was over, I was kind of relieved my pastor wasn't at his usual post greeting people as they left. I made a mad dash outside like a vampire escaping the Sun, hailed a cab and rode off into the Sunset.
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Ay ay ay!

(This is going to be a long one..brace yourselves, lol)

There's a lot going on right now.

My intern started last week and it feels weird being someone's boss although she does keep me motivated to stay on top of stuff. We share the same name which is weird but cool.

My party is in a week or so and this week begins a week of mayhem and madness.

I went to all night prayer last night. It was amazing. Today I was so drained though.

So....I don't trust Diva and I've decided to distance myself from her. Its a long story. I'll summarize it by saying this:

I know that God gave us many gifts. Some people have the gift of prophecy, others the gift of singing and dance, etc. Growing up the way I did, I have a huge problem with people lying and saying that the God told them things that are false.

Diva said that God told her some things and they were all negative and were all surrounding children being molested. Yet, she does nothing to stop it.

She says that "her gift" allows her to see things that a person with common sense can deduce. Me no likey.

She doesn't know I have a gift, too. Its called silence. Silence makes people uncomfortable. I love it.
Along with silence, I have a great memory. The funny thing is, when you're quiet, people usually feel the need to talk more and I usually let them.

Diva and I had an agreement long ago that I would throw her work and she would do the same.

She has not once sent me a job. Fine. This shoot, she took it over. She made it seem like the client wanted to cut me out but she shut it down. This is a client whom I have a great relationship with...then she's getting paid to do hair. I kid you not, she brushed a wig. This is after being 2 hours late.

So, I hear her talking to the photographer abt how she's done this and that shoot...showing him pictures of her makeup skills...going IN. She even brought her makeup kit. It didn't feel right. As I'm doing the client's face, I feel eyes on me.

I turn and Diva is staring at everything I'm doing. It made me so uncomfortable like she's trying to see how I'm doing it.

I don't care about showing people how to do stuff. The look in her eyes wasn't godly. It felt like envy.

Diva whispered to me that she didn't have any money to feed her children. I've witnessed and have given her money on the strength of the kids and I just didn't have the extra to feed myself, her and her 2 children.

I watched as she spoke to the photographer who bought them all food. It made me realize that she is a manipulator out to get whatever she can from people. It made me sick to my stomach.

So.......yea. The only thing is, she works on the magazine I work with, too. Idk how that's going to pan out. I've been faithful to the mag but I may need to tell Editor to get another makeup artist. *sigh*

I've been dog-sitting a friend's Yorkie since Wednesday night. It made me realize I really really really want a dog. I can handle it.

That's all for now folks...
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It's a Wrap

Arrgh!
I've been getting flack from friends who think I don't pay them enough attention. I don't know what else to do...I'm trying. I don't mean to neglect people, I just feel like I'm drowning all around. It didn't help that I catch up on blogs today and I missed a good friend's birthday. (sorry YW) I don't know...*sigh*
------------------------------------------
Things with TD are non-existent. I felt kind of guilty for a moment.
Our first date, we agreed to go to dinner on Thursday that passed. Wednesday came and no one confirmed. Thursday, I had errands to run and I met up with a friend for a late lunch. I thought about TD in passing but I just didn't think anything about the missed date. At 10pm, I saw that I missed a call from a 212 number (Manhattan area code). I checked my messages. There were 2 calls and messages from him. One was at 5:30 and the other at 10. I called him back at 10:30 and he picked up...so drunk, he was slurring his words. He wasn't making sense. I told him I would call him back the next day. I did. No response. I called him yesterday, no response. SO, I think things are done.

I feel sad and relieved at the same time. The more I thought about it, things would not have worked out. I'm sad because I know it would've been a different experience and it's nice to feel wanted and stuff.

Funny thing is..because he wasn't responding, I went into hunter mode for a moment...almost pursuing him. I need to chill on that. I've decided that for this year..I'm not going to pursue men. I'm going to put it out there that I'm interested, but I'm sick of chasing. I'm too busy to play games with people. I'm too busy to make things happen where they will not. I'll do my part but they've got to do theirs, too. Done and done.

I really feel like I make things to easy for people.
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There's more on my mind....but I just don't have time to blog it right this second....
Ever feel like you have to let some stuff off your chest or you will burst?

Vagina Monologues

I went out to drinks tonight with an old friend. I'm liquored up and stuffed to the gills with on eye open blogging.

Its been a great year without the peen. Rough but great.

I've learned:

*Always ask and be clear about what you want and what the other person wants. An immature mistake was saying "I'll go with the flow" when I wanted a relationship. That stream always flows to the fwb side, it seems.

*Reinforce your wants with your actions. You can't say you wanna be a housewife with ho activity.

* Sex is no substitute for affection. I didn't miss sex as much as I did holding hands, kissing and being held.

* Lust is a powerful and tricky emotion. If you feel it towards someone, wait 24-48 hours away from that person and see if you feel the same.

* I'm not a man. I could never replace a man nor would I ever want to. ;)
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Rockaway Life

Ever so often, people tell me in indirect ways that I need to change. The common traits that people don't get about me is that I'm calm in the midst of most things going on. The second trait is that I'm too nice.

Case and Point:
This girl said she had a job for me to do Melanie Fiona's face. She tweeted me to do it. I didn't respond. I didn't respond because she misspelled my Twitter name. She claimed she really wanted me to do the job. I asked...why didn't you call or text me?

She didn't know.

I didn't yell at her. I didn't call her a dumb bitch. I just told her to call me next time.

Had that been today, it would've been a different story.

Now...I'm at a shoot. One of my clients called and asked me to do a shoot for her. Sweet. I asked her if she needed a hair stylist. She did. So....I called Diva. Diva takes over the entire shoot. Ok, that's fine. But then, she starts harassing me about time. If anyone knows anything about me, I'm always on time. Then, she starts changing times. Fine, whatever.

I'm here on time and I call her. She hadn't even left her house yet. Are you effing kidding me? I got so pissed because some people want to be bosses. Some people want to take over everything and they can't handle it.

I'm PMS-ing and angry at everyone.

Ahhhhhh!

On another note, today marks one year of celibacy! Yayyyyy! I'm going out for drinks tonight. Friends have been super-flaky lately. So, I may be by myself drinking. Oh well...its a celebration bitches!

After this weekend, I deserve it.

Pray for me ya'll. My face is stone. I need to shake this off. Woooooosaaaaahhhhhhhh!
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Kiss the Girls and Make them Cry

The middle of my back is hella tight. I was on my feet from 1:30 until I got in a cab to come home at 10:30. Had a photo shoot which turned out well. I'm excited about how the pictures will come out.

I got my period at the shoot. (Sorry men reading)

I didn't realize it until I was asked to model. (*leaves out TMI graphic stuff*) I modeled some Apple Bottom Jeans, shirt and glitter lips for an ad they want to do with plus women. It was really last minute and I didn't have any foundation garments on. Ehhh...we'll see how those pics came out.

I'm exhausted and by now you realize the title has nothing to do with what the post is about....*shrug*
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The Story of 8 Strangers

I haven't watched the Real World since the last time it was in NY with Coral on it. This season, I decided to watch and I think it's interesting.

I don't remember the other seasons, the kids being so young. Like they're barely the legal drinking age. I guess that's good for MTV because these kids are at the age where they'll sleep with whomever and make silly mistakes, however it would be cool if they had a Real World for the over 25 crew. I'm sure they would still be out drinking and carrying on but they'd have real worries like career and wanting to settle down.

Instead of Sex and the City, we have Gossip Girl.

I don't want to preach, tho...lol.

I find Ty (the black dude) very sexy. I just think its funny...in DC(!!) he doesn't fall for a black chick. DC of all places! Lol.

Stay tuned for random thoughts...starting....

(Now)
I really really want to spoon and cuddle with someone I dig. I have a list if anyone wants to get me a nice birthday gift.

Funny thing, does Carter read my blog? He tweeted me last night. Something harmless. I feel bad. I don't actually like him. Nooot enough to me myself continuously reach out.

Honestly, I think I'm done reaching (I always say that.) I'm really good at spelling it out for people and yea, I'm retiring from pursuing. I want to be pursued.

I had a dream last night I was getting married. I walked down the aisle alone. My mom and I had a fight bc she wanted to walk me but in the end, I walked down by myself. Ever since my dad died, it was a passing thought - my wedding day but to see it....

Watching the Real World, I was a little jealous. Those kids seem so free. Not to pull the race card, but I feel like white kids have a freedom that black kids don't. We grow up being taught oppression - feeling it, seeing it, always knowing it. I want to be freeeeeeeeee!

I think my brother needs professional help. He has for a long time but as he gets older, idk...something's changing. He's lonely. He's so needy. He told me he loved me like a million times when I visited him for Christmas. Maybe I'm cold. Maybe, its his surroundings. He has no outlet. No hobbies. *shrug*

My birthday is quickly approaching. Every year, there are tears without fail. This year, I'm hoping they are good ones.

Above all, I think what I want most is for someone to take care of me. Without wanting retribution, without prodding...I just want to be in the arms of the one who loves me. There, I said it!
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...Too Bad Cuz Love is Blind...

Carter hasn't called, text, FB'd, tweeted, sent smoke signals now that he's back home.

(That reminds me of that scene with Drew Barrymore in "He's Just Not That Into You," where she's like.."Between Myspace, texting, email, Facebook...I can get rejected 7 different ways..)

I only have one thought:

Thank God I didn't sleep with him!

I love moments like that when I could've operated off of emotion (read:horniness) and have done something (read: handcuffs and stilettos) and would be beating my head against the wall.

Alas, yes these moments are bittersweet because for a slight second, I was calculating how I could fly out to South Carolina. Just like I calculate how to fly to Chicago, Bermuda and London every now and then.

Part of me thinks if I put out things would be different. I doubt it. If you can't handle a few sips, how can you handle an entire glass.

Oh, you get what I'm saying!

Just like Swizzy and Jay say.."On to the next!"
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Walk On By...

Not so sure about TD. (I know, already!) Idk. Something is not there. Conversation is not easy over the phone. Or maybe I'm already looking for a way out.
We'll see.

Idk if I mentioned this before but I'm having a party for my business on Feb 4th, also my birthday and I'm nervous! I want people to show up! When I say people, I mean 150. Pray for me ya'll. I've been promo'ing it heavily.

I just wanna be...I just wanna be...I just wanna be...successful!

I told a friend I felt a certain type of way towards another friend. He was like..I'm not the type to think I have haters or anyone's trying to get me so if I feel that way, it must be real.

I hope so and I hope not.

All I can say on the situation is, "No one likes a smart ass."

Unrelated, I think BFF is lying to me about something. This girl is cheap cheap cheap! She never spends money on herself unless she needs to impress someone. So, the last times she got her hair and nails done: she got married, she had a black tie gala to go to, she was meeting her husband's mother for the first time...you get the point.

So...she says to me all casual-like, I'm getting my hair done. This was on Thursday. No biggie. Lately, she's been getting her hair done. Its $10 and its easier for her to maintain. Ok. The red flag came yesterday when I asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting her nails done. The next text she said she's kinda upset bc she'll have to take them off when she starts her nursing program in a few weeks. So....I was like hmm...why put them on to take them off? She said because she just felt like it.

Hmmmmmmmm.

BFF has only lied to me when it comes to 1 person and that's Punjabi.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. Hopefully, I'm wrong.

Lastly, there's this older married guy who keeps communicating with me. It makes me uncomfortable because he's very flattering and stuff. I try to be nice but I've shut him down a couple of times and the communication has slowed down. He may be lonely. He may be in his mid-life crisis. He may be sick of his marriage. He may just like talking to pretty young thangs (like myself) but I do NOT play that ish. I'm no Amy Fisher!

I've been having lots of dreams where I'm running. One dream, I was in a high school with 15 flaws and in the dream, I was my friend's sister and I was running trying to get out of the school. Last night, I don't remember the dream but I was running in that one too. What could that mean?

An artist I work with on photo shoots said she had a vision that one of the models we work with is being molested. She's very spiritual and she thinks its real. Freaked me out. Don't know what to do. The model is 11 yrs old. She thinks she's being molested by the girl's brothers. She said, in her vision, the mother knows. If she confronts the mother, she'll make sure she can't contact the child. What to do? Almost being molested as a child, I know the terror and fear that comes with being helpless. Situation is messed up.

On a lighter note, ever read someone's blog and they talk about how beautiful they are, how everyone wants them, and how they're just God's gift? If you're saying yes, I hope its not THIS blog. Its so funny how we see ourselves and how the world sees us. I told YW a long time ago, in my head I'm Salma Hayek. When I look in the mirror, it may be a little different but as long as I stay away from reflective surfaces in the street I'm good! Lol

These are my many thoughts right now. Gotta get up at 7 for church in the am. Peace.
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Numbers

I sat at the bar in the clingy sweaterdress sipping on my Amaretto sour wondering if I'd made a mistake in coming. I was having a bad day. The intern I was supposed to interview didn't show. I was questioning things about my life and feeling the weight of many of the decisions I was making.

I had no choice but to carry on. It was 5:30. He would be walking through that door at any moment and I wanted to spare him how I felt at that moment - waiting for someone who didn't show. I felt like I spent a lot of my time waiting.

He walked in, the chill of the evening on his coat. Shorter than what I expected, there he was. We sat at a booth in the lounge. We talked. He talked about his business of selling ad space, selling to women like me who were breathtakingly beautiful, so he said.

He was charming. I felt safe. A different kind of safe. When I was with Joe, I knew he would and could beat the hell out of anyone who tested me or his patience too tough. The safety I felt with Afroman was the type of safe where I knew he was faithful to me. With him, I felt safe like I could order a mink and it would be paid for no question. I'm not used to that. I told a friend I felt like I was Cree Summer and he was Cliff Huxtable. Age aside, I'm used to the bohemian struggle and he's talking about renting hotel rooms for the weekend in the city just because, flying to Punta Cana on a whim.

That's the type of security I want to have for myself.

He asked me when the last time I had a vacation. It literally took me 5 minutes to remember. It was 3 years ago. (Smh)

After the 4th Amaretto sour (mind you, I can't tell you the last time I had more than 1 drink) I looked at him and said...

Oh, I get it. You want to date me.

He laughed and said yes.

I broke it down into 3 rules:
1. I am not a trophy. I am not a tart. I have a mind and it must be acknowledged and respected.
2. I am not a plaything. I'm serious-minded when it comes to taking time from my work to spend time with you.
3. I had a daddy whom I loved very much. I don't need another one unless you would like to be a daddy of some other sort. We can work out a contract or something.

He laughed. He said he liked me and he was glad we met. He called me smooth. He said I was gangsta. He then vowed to treat me like a lady ought to. I just smile not really acknowledging these promises. I mean, really...we'll see.
He's off traveling and I'm trying to promote my party. Every now and again we'll stop and let our hair down. Relax. I'm taking it slow in my mind. He's just a man.
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Words

I'm officially dating a 43 year old.
This Year of Yes thing, idk..I just wanted to blog today bc I was doing so well. I had a whole post and then like evil magic, it disappeared.

Tomorrow kids...mama's exhausted!
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Wait Til You See My Smile

I am in love with that Alicia Keys song.

It, of course, has nothing to do with the post.

I had another date with Carter tonight. It was a double date with J and his lady. (Yes, J is gay and he's dating a girl that looks like a boy) We were trying to get into a free screening of a movie that comes out on Friday. We waited out in the cold for an hour and they didn't let us in.

Everytime I was going to make a move on Carter, J would come by and say something. It was something out of a sitcom.

So.. *drumroll please*
Carter and I was making out a lot tonight. I was touching him. He was touching me but he respected my boundaries which is some type of Jedi mind trick because that made me want to push the envelope more. I kept touching him by the little V those guys have...clearly, that was his spot. He told me to stop..I had to control myself...what gives???

Things are so comfortable with him. I think that's what it is. He reminds me of me. J was like his balls were frozen. I asked Carter if his were too. With a straight face, he was like..nope. I could say whatever.

I'm trying to be Spock about it because he lives far away, he's leaving on Thursday and he has STUFF going on.

Oddly enough, I was talking to a guy I'm crushing on on FB chat today. He reminds me of someone who is so pious. Mainly because he doesn't talk about his relationships. For a moment, I thought he was a virgin. I asked him if he were celibate and he said no. I was genuinely surprised. He loves God but sex is a struggle. I don't think I will continue my celibacy after my year is over. I will take what I've learned and will be more responsible with sex. I will try to abstain as much as possible. I'm holding out with new people as long as possible. Being celibate has sifted the wheat from the hay. That is the one thing I will remember from this experience.

I'm supposed to have drinks with TD tomorrow. That should be an experience.

Are you guys loving me blogging everyday? Wowsers.

Repentance is Futile

The sermon yesterday was about repentance and how even though David was messed up, God loved him because he practiced true repentance.

I can't ask God to forgive me just yet because repentance isn't saying I'm sorry. Its saying I'm sorry with the intention of not doing it again.

I'm struggling with something. I can't get my mind together. I have these sexual urges more strongly than before. The closer I get to January 19th, the more I want to call up Blair and say...eff it, let's go.

I can't. I've worked too hard. Blair doesn't deserve it. I scold myself hoping its hormones or something...

But then I wonder about my birthday. I want some bday sex. Then, I say..."Its only a few minutes of pleasure. Its not worth it."

I can rationalize anything. I can't help it...I want to kiss. I want to touch. I want to be fondled. What is I'm gon' do???

The mind is such a powerful weapon. I'm trying to relax because I feel like men can sense errr--- desperation, horniness...idk. Whatever.

The only thing I can think is..."Essentially, I am an animal. So what do I do with all the aggression?" - Gnarls Barkley.
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The Year of Yes + Alpha Males

so..where to begin?

(long one)

friday night i went for drinks with my editor, her bff, and a blogger. mucho fun. 4 young, black, independent entrepreneur women talking abt men and life. awesome. :)

one said she had her year of yes where she said yes to almost every dude who asked her out. she said she made some real connections and some of the men she still speaks to. it piqued my interest because i say no a lot. she said of course you say no within reason but for the most part saying yes means you're dating a bunch of men (dating not sleeping with) which means you don't fall into the trap most women do when men date a bunch of women and you don't get picked. you have options and you can really see who you like. it keeps things light.

i think i'm going to try it.

if you are a man in nyc, employed (or not within reason), sane, taller than me (i'm 5ft), have your teeth and can string a sentence together...let's go out...

tonight i went to first saturdays as i always do. this time i invited carter. i mean, he's in town and i wanted to meet him in person. i didn't think much of it. i also invited a bunch of my friends as well. he wanted to see the exhibits and i wanted to dance.

i knew hey sexy guy was going to be there and i didn't want to make it seem like we were on a date but i guess i kinda didn't care. i mean, we haven't spoken since before thanksgiving. he's boring and weird. it's not like it ever went past talking on the phone.

anyways...
carter was an hr and 15 mins late. and ya'll know how i feel abt lateness...(if you don't know) i hate it. i almost broke up with afroman because of it (now ya know, mama don't play.) he gets there and......

he's cuter in person and taller than i thought he would be. smaller too. i like big guys.
i was instantly attracted to him.

(he did explain that he got lost on the trains and he apologized profusely)

the first person we run into...is hey sexy guy.
carter and i were taking pictures of ourselves and directly in front of us was hs guy.

i kept it cool. introduced them and was chill. hs guy goes...you look great and smell good. i laughed and thanked him. carter got some wine and i ran into this chick i want to model for me..she's mad cool. introductions.

we walked around some more. we ran into this dude i used to know when i was 16. introductions, lol.

carter talks a lot. he has stuff to say but sometimes, i really wanted him to be silent. at some point, i zoned out and was staring at his lips and teeth. he has a nice smile and straight teeth. i just kept fantasizing about kissing him. half-way to shut him up, half-way because i haven't been kissed in a year. :-/

carter served in the military. he has 3 boys. the oldest is 7. he was married for 8 years. he's 27. it's kind of daunting to think of him in those stats because i guess he doesn't seem eligible. but...idk. didn't you hear, 42% of black women don't get married. (half-joking)

the men i want are not ready. maybe i'm not ready. (over-thinking)

i told him about my celibacy and losing my virginity early and other stuff. as the night progressed, we started touching each other more. me - his arm, him - my waist. during one exhibit, he stood behind me and put his arms around me. it felt good. i missed that.

i turned around. i looked him in the eyes.

(all intense-like)

(about to kiss him like kissing was about to go out of style)

and then...
the security guard said the museum was about to close. damn damn damn.

we got my coat. he was trying to look me in the eyes and i wasn't paying attention. he was like, what's wrong...you don't want eye contact with me>?

i said, i'm sorry and then i looked at him, really looked at him. he looked away. he said it made him feel some type of way.

it is freezing freezing freezing outside but we got to get him something to eat.
we walked to the train. as we waited he asked me if i were going to kiss him on the lips when my train comes...i thought that was cute. i did. but my lips were sticky bc of my lip gloss...i wanted to stay but couldn't. it was late and neither of us had cash on us.

i actually want to see him again. we'll see where this goes. he's in south carolina and we all know how i feel about traveling there...(no ma'am)

anyways, i need to date. and kiss people. :)