I hadn't spoken to him since (see Take A Stand post on Dec 7th).
I hadn't really thought of his silence as deliberate, although he was always available to gchat and we'd had constant communication. The notion hit me today, 2 months later as I made a joke that his (now unborn child) should be in college by now.
There was no response...just my words hanging in gchat limbo.
I went to Facebook at the same time not thinking of that situation. Looking over my FB Chat, there he was...online. I didn't say anything to him. I went to my home screen, he'd updated his status. His picture looked like he was at a baby shower. So I clicked on it. He was home for Christmas.
He hadn't called or anything.
The first thing that came to mind was:
I wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. I wanted to spit it at him like daggers. The words did not come from me.
I was hurt.
I'd never stopped loving him. The love had changed from that intense need and longing for him physically and emotionally, to a love that cautioned him. Urged him to eat better, stop smoking weed. A love that pushed him to pursue his passion and not resign himself to what he was doing. It was a love that wanted to see his child grow up although the fact that he had a child with a woman who was not me cut me deeply. A wound that had not scabbed over. I could deal with it. I just never thought of my life without him in it.
So, I must let go of him. Why should anyone hang on to someone who so quickly let me go? He has a family with someone else.
I've told myself this all day...and yet, it burns in my chest. I shared so much with him. I've truly felt as though I was really going to spend the rest of my life with him and now it is just....dust in the wind.
I kind of wish he'd said something. Told me. Is that stupid? To want someone to tell you they're not going to communicate with you anymore? I wouldn't have tried to convince him otherwise. I would've tried to understand the reasons why.
And so now, the scalpel is out. I have to dissect him from my life.
Twitter is done. Gchat is done. I almost deleted him from FB tonight, but...I couldn't. Tomorrow, I have to delete him, his 2 sisters, and 2 brothers from FB and Twitter. I don't go on myspace but if ever I do...I'll delete him or maybe, I'll go on just to delete him.
I'm trying to front to myself that I'm not hurt but I am.
The wound will bleed and I'll clean it. It will start to scab and maybe I'll pick at it. It may begin to bleed again. Eventually I'll get tired of hurting and the scab will form. New skin will regenerate and before you know it, I'll be all healed up.
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