Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Yes, Punjabi is named that because he is Guyanese Indian. He does not relate to being black (*rolls eyes*) but relates to being Indian. Whatever.
BFF is keeping the baby because Punjabi knocked her up before. She had an abortion. She vowed never to do it again. She also vowed to wear condoms...and that he wouldn't knock her up again...
Christmas was great! I was convinced I wasn't getting anything but mom showed up on Christmas morning with a new laptop. It is GORGEOUS and nothing is allowed in its presence that is all over my old laptop (i.e. makeup, food, etc.)
Speaking of food...MTV has a new docu-series called, I Used to be Fat.
I was watching it and it is really good. Basically, these kids have graduated high school and they have the summer between high school and college to lose the weight that they feel have held them back. It was super emotional. This girl lost 90 pounds in 111 days. I want that to be me. I am 253 lbs at 5"2. I am a size 18. I've never been small. I've never NOT worn a dress size that wasn't in the double digits. In junior high, my breasts were 34A. For me, its not really the weight as much as it is the body image and wanting to be healthy as kidney disease has torn/is tearing my family to pieces. All year, I've wanted another tattoo but couldn't think of a cute place to put it. I want a tiny little tatt but tiny doesn't really match my body type.
Starting Jan 2, I want to change. A lot of women my size blame food. My problem is not that I over-eat. I eat once a day. That meal is usually not that substantial and not all that healthy either. My metabolism is hella dormant. I need someone to be accountable to...I need someone to make me eat 3 times a day plus snacks. It is so hard to eat that much....maybe because when I was a kid...I had the hugest crush on my brother's best friend. He used to tease me constantly by calling me the Cheeseburglar...thanks McDonald's for your classy rendition of the Hamburglar! (Old school McDonalds...lol) Anyway, he'd be like...how many cheeseburgers did you eat today? *insert the ugliest things you can say about someone's weight/eating habits here*
Yikes! Just typing that made me remember his voice saying those things.
My doctor told me that the first step in kicking a lot of my weight is the soda. I am addicted to Pepsi. During the recent blizzard in NYC, I was without Pepsi for 2 days...I was thinking about it constantly. It was like a REAL addiction. I think I'm pretty active but today, I spent the day runing errands with my little cousin (he's 11) and by the time I got home, I was DONE.
I definitely need to get my head together and get the weight off. I know I will go hard in January because my 25th birthday is in February...the 4th to be exact. Right now, the way I feel about my body...it will be hard to get me in that much-desired freak 'em dress..
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
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Thursday, December 16, 2010
Yesterday, he called me twice and then a number I didn't know called. I knew it was him and didn't pick up. He waited til later and called again from the number I didn't know as I was coming home from a mixer. Thinking it was a potential client, I picked up.
I was direct.
Me: What do you want?
TN: I want to apologize for how I treated you. I put you through a lot and I'm sorry. I really fucked up with you. I don't apologize to anyone but I apologize to you.
I thanked him for his apology and said "Goodnight."
TN: Don't be so emotional. Why do you hate me so much? I want you to forgive me.
Me: I don't hate you. I choose not to feel anything for you. I accept your apology. I'll work on forgiving you. Forgiveness takes time. Its not like..oh you apologize and I forgive you. Boom. No!
He said he understood.
Me: *sigh* Ok, so why are you really calling?
TN: Like I said, I'm sorry for what I did. I'm really lonely. I miss you. I want to see you.
Me: I wish loneliness on no one. I'm sorry you're feeling it but I don't want to see you.
TN: Are you with anyone?
Me: Yes, I'm dating a few people (LIES! Lol)
TN: Oh good. You deserve a good guy.
Me: I know.
TN: Do you miss me?
TN: Do you have any feelings for me at all?
Me: No. Not at all.
TN: You blocked my number.
Me: Yes, I did.
Me: Because I don't really want to talk to you.
TN: Why are you so cold-hearted?
Me: I took a page from your book.
Me: What number are you calling from?
TN: Why, you going to block this number too?
Me: Don't be a smart-ass. Its rude.
TN: Can I come over to your house and see you?
Me: No, its 10:30 at night. Plus, I don't want to see you. I should go, Goodnight.
TN: Don't be so emotional.
Me: *laughs* I'm not emotional at all. There's really nothing else to say.
TN: I felt when we were together you were trying to put pressure on me to open up. Always asking "who am I to you?"
Me: I wasn't always asking. I wanted to know where I stood with you.
TN: I could have seen you as my girlfriend. I didn't want to put it all over FB and it doesn't work out.
Me: That's not what I asked you to do. I asked you a simple question: were you seeing other people - yes or no? I asked you what you wanted. You chose to play mind games and not be direct and honest with me. I didn't want anything major from you except the truth but I guess you couldn't give me that.
TN: You think all I wanted was to fuck.
Me: Yes, exactly.
TN: You still don't understand me. Me: How can you understand someone who doesn't let you in or even give you a straight answer?
Me: So, yea, I'm going to go...
TN: No! I want to see you.
TN: Why can't I see you?
Me: You had 3 chances to get it right. You didn't. Why would I go backwards?
TN: What do you mean? 3 chances?
I started to explain but didn't want to get into it.
TN: So, can I see you?
Me: The only day I have available is Sunday.
TN: Sunday evening?
Me: You say you want to date me. What if I said no sex? What would you say?
TN: I still say I'm a sexual being and I need to have sex with the person I'm dating.
TN: Can I still see you?
Me: I guess. You can take me out to dinner.
TN: No, I want to come to your house and cook for you.
Me: No. I'm not coming to your house. You're not coming to my house. If you want to see me, it will be at a restaurant somewhere.
TN: I want to cook for you.
Me: No. I told you my terms, take it or leave it.
TN: Oh, take it or leave it?
TN: I leave it then.
Me: Ok, goodnight.
He calls back 15 minutes later. I don't answer. I know him. He would try and talk his way into doing what he wants anyway and I don't have the time or the Job-like patience.
Editor says he's pathetic to tell me he's lonely. She says he's extra crazy and I should never talk to him again.
Well, I was trying! Blocking his number didn't work, right?
BFF said he's stupid. If he didn't let his pride get in the way, he would say.."Ok, I'll take you to dinner." He would be a gentleman and walk you home to your door and then if he was nice, you could invite him up for drink or coffee or tea but NO! He has to have things his way and doesn't know how to play the game. She also said he's extra crazy and I need to get a restraining order.
I agreed with everything but the restraining order. I don't think I have enough to warrant that. I don't want him in my home. They say most women are killed in their own homes by people they know. No thank you! Also, I've been date-raped once by him...I'm not trying to go 2 for 2.
I am going to work on forgiveness though. I think I've already forgiven. I have to dig deep because I'm very passive-aggressive and there are things exes have done in the past, like 7 years ago that I still struggle with.
TN is not the one! I am sorry he's lonely though. I'm lonely too but I'm filling my time with work and constructive things not searching for dudes I mucked over begging them to come back.
JFK said, "Forgive all your enemies just never forget their names."
I couldn't forget him if I tried. I just wish he'd go away.
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I apply and apply for jobs and no one calls me back. I change my resume. I change my cover letter. Nothing works. I grind and grind for work and it doesn't work out. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm lonely. I'm sad and I just really put on a happy face or I just live in denial, focusing on other things. All it is, is just something to re-direct my focus from wanting to bang my head against the wall.
Keri Russell had this line in the movie, Waitress where she's talking to her unborn daughter. She goes, "Dear Baby, I hope someone holds you for 20 minutes straight, not saying a word and not expecting you to say anything. They just hold you and let you know that somebody out there loves you no matter what." (I'm paraphrasing)
But yea...that's what I want for myself. I'm sick of being strong.
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She dropped it.
I was still pissed about our last conversation with the carpet. I was at a coffee shop looking for jobs yesterday, feeling a little bleak. She called me a few times. I figured I might as well answer.
I recognized her tone instantly. Its the tone she uses when she's trying to be cute.
Mom: Hello. How are you?
Me: I'm fine and you?
Mom: I'm fine. Where are you?
Me: At a coffee shop.
Mom: What are you doing there?
Me: The same thing I'd be doing at home.
Mom: I don't know what you do at home because I work all day.
Me: *hangs up the phone*
She calls back
Mom: Let that be the last time you hang up the phone on me
Mom: Who do you think you are?
Mom: Who do you think you are?
Me: Tell me what you want to hear. What is the appropiate response to that question?
She hangs up the phone.
I was really fed up and tired. I'm tired every way a person can be tired. The more mature way to handle it would've required patience to say...you don't get to beat up on me. You don't get to make me feel like shit all the time but I was really spent. I feel bad for the approach but not really. Her feelings need to be hurt a little...for once.
I always go back to "Honor thy father and thy mother." and then "Parents do not provoke thy children to anger lest they be discouraged."
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Call mom. Tell her I need to take up the carpet because its bothering my allergies. She says...why would allergies just pop up. You're not taking up the carpet, end of discussion and she hung up on me. (Much more to this story but another time)
Friday night, Twin asked me and BFF to help him move. He said he didn't have a lot of stuff and that it would probably take one trip in a van. We would show up at 6 and be home by 10. We showed up at 5:30 and OMG! He had 10 tubs and at least 20 bags of clothes and shoes. He had 3 bookshelves of books, and thousands of dollars worth of magazines in bundles...it was 2 U-Hauls worth of stuff for 1 person! He lives on the 6th floor. The elevator in his old building only went to the 5th floor and we had to walk up a flight. The place he's moving to had 2 flights of stairs It took at least 2 hrs to load the stuff in the truck, 2 hrs to drive to his new apartment. The first trip, we had 6 people. The second trip, it was just me, Twin and BFF. At the end of it all, BFF ended up paying for the U-Haul because Twin's card declined. Yikes! I ended up getting home at 10am. Showered and got my stuff together for my makeup class which was great! What was even better was...I got to meet Jaded in the flesh!
She's so cute and little and I just wanna hug her! :)
We ate at some random but pretty burger joint in the city. I ordered eggs (who orders eggs at a burger spot?) because as soon as I got home, head was going to hit the pillow and I didn't want to be digesting.
Jaded was with another blogger whom I don't think liked me very much. *kanye shrug*
Anyways, Jaded is amazing and I could totally be her friend in real life and such. So, win!
Sunday, I woke up stiff and melancholy. My arms, knees and ankles were sore. My heels were stiff. I couldn't understand why I was so sad. (Then, I got my period and it all made sense)
I decided to go and do something. I got up and took myself to Checkers and to see Love and Other Drugs. Great movie! I got to see a lot of Anne Hathaway's breasts which was umm...surprising and umm...nice? Lol, I'm so silly with nudity. That movie was really like..Ok, I get it. Jake Gyllenhal is hot. He really is..his blue eyes are like...wow. The movie picked me up a bit and then crashed me down because by the time I got home, I was like...I want to be in love!
Friday afternoon, that's what I told BFF...I said.."My big secret is that I want to be in that all-encompassing, swallow-you-whole, Jonah and the Whale, can't breathe without you, you are so perfect love." She just looked at me. (People's reactions are lame)
I got home and looked at Afroman's Facebook. He has tons of pictures of his son. The son he has with the woman he left me for...who is so adorable. I looked at his Twitter and then searched through my old email for g-chats with him. I found one where I told him I wanted to start my own business and I lost it. I started sobbing like a maniac to the point where at times I was hyperventilating. I don't understand how he doesn't love me anymore or how he does love me and doesn't even care about how I'm doing. He and his family will be here in Brooklyn for Christmas and I won't see him. Our last communication was the end of December last year...*le sigh*
I looked at pictures of him and was like...he's not even that cute! Why am I trippin?
I spent 6 years with this person, 2 of them in a pseudo-relationship with. I loved him. I told him everything. He chose someone else over me twice. He cut me deep.
Enough of that.
Its a new week. Another week of me figuring out how to be a productive human being.
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Friday, December 3, 2010
Bermuda - 3 months
London - 3 months
New York - school to be a teacher
I'm juggling my business, freelance makeup, the magazine, looking for jobs in NY and Bermuda. Also, friends and family and a tiny piece of a social life.
I need to perfect "no." The stress is relieved by incessant list-making which adds more stress when I realize what I need to do. I've also decided to clean my house top to bottom...no clutter will be ignored which means my bedroom looks like Hiroshima.
I haven't told my doting my mother my plan. I want to make sure I have all my ducks in a row (shelter, job, work permit for Bermuda, school papers, financial aid) before I tell her.
Oh yea, I want to move in February.
And money is still an issue but won't it always be?
This renewed purpose came from a friend who called me out. I told him about 3 dreams I had. (Only part of the conversation was saved by BBM :/):
1. I was driving a car. A man had given it to me. It was torquoise. All of a sudden the air bag came out and something was wrong with my vision.I pulled over and it was like I was in the woods.A girl I know from my (other) blog drove by and helped me figure out how to drive the car. I took it back to the man. He said he wouldn't fix it. Then, I went to drive it home and then it felt like I was in a maze. Every turn led to another turn or a wall. I got so frustrated.
He said: You're feeling VERY confused in your life. And at any moment something can go wrong and the ppl who can fix it won't. They leave u out to dry. But you're not alone. Some people are there for you and give your strength...even if they aren't the antidote.
2. I was back in the 50s in a school setting. All I remember was there was a lot of racism.Then, I realized that we were in a glass case and there were people watching in the darkness but I couldn't see them. I went crazy and was trying to break the glass surrounding me with chairs. But it wouldn't break.
He said:You're feeling oppressed. That's actually a constant in your dreams.You feel like you need to fight your way out of this position. But wonder if you can do it. Your not believing in yourself miss homie. But you know you need a breakthrough.
He was right. I told him I felt depleted.
When was the last time you felt on top of the world?
What book were u reading?
What were you doing?
Who did you hang with?
Retrace your steps. Go back to go forward.
I believe in you.
He pulled my card. More like, yanked it from me and put it in my face. I was grateful. I need friends like that. I appreciate him.
I came up with a plan.
Today, I felt like I over-extended myself. My BBM status said, "I'm only human."
He said, "Thought you were Wonder Woman."
I said, "Nope. Just Diana Prince."
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Thursday, December 2, 2010
Something that really bothered me the other day.
I was on the train. This lady gets up and starts blubbering about God.
No one likes these "mobile evangelists" and this lady was just inarticulate. Some people could say she was nervous. I sometimes become inarticulate when I'm on the spot and don't know what to say...but this was a whole 'nother level!
Someone asked her, "How do I get to know Jesus?" She sputtered and said, "Ask your Pastor. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Light. He's the Lily of the Valley. The Bright and Mo'ning Star!" Basically, the euphemisms we've been taught since Sunday School which don't mean much if you're going through a situation...yes?
I was sooooo pissed! THAT is why people don't trust Christians...half the time, we don't even know what we're talking about.
I had to get off the train just as she was saying that. I would've answered his question. I felt bad.
Dudes..I just don't get them either. Why say things in the street like.."Thick girl!" "Big girl!" and walk away? Clearly, you're not trying to talk to me...you just want to say something. It irks me.
Maybe because I'm a person of few words...I usually speak when necessary. So, people who just talk bother me...
I'm just venting.
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Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I slept with Carter Saturday night. It was ah-may-zing.
He'd been messaging me ever so often to tease me about how much I'd let him go. It was apparent that he wasn't going to do the same for me.
We were supposed to go out last week. Our wires got screwed up. Or rather, mine did. I've been really busy and so when he suggested that we go out to BBQ's Sat night, I said yes. When he further suggested we dine dutch since he had to pay for his family's Thanksgiving Dinner, my bank account relented and I asked him to my place for movie night.
Minutes into the movie,I was on his lap. We were kissing and petting. I got off of him and decided that Interview with a Vampire was way more interesting for about 5 more minutes before I turned to him and said...do you want to go to the bedroom?
Twin asked me what did Carter do to make you enjoy him so much? Simply, he knew what he was doing. There was no question, no fuss about condoms. He just put it on. He worked my body. He was agressive but not overly so. He has a beautiful penis. He was clean, not hairy at all. The size, the girth of it - is very perfect and he knows how to work it. It was all very adult.
After we cleaned up, we talked about his day..his work while he looked at some stuff concerning his book and I was BBM'ing Editor. He came back to bed and held me with both arms. I felt small and safe curled up next to him.
We both slept like babies.
The Morning After
I ordered breakfast for us. We ate while watching Happy Feet which I dozed off in the middle of. I woke up just as it ended and walked him to the train station. We talked about the community and how we can build it to be better. He held my hand. I let it go after a block. I told him about my 5 year plan and how I want to create workshops for ladies with low self-esteem. He should be apart of it (his books are about dating and such)....
We got to the train station. I said.."Ok, I'm going to put you on ice now as you claim I always do."
He said, "Yea, you gonna ignore my phone calls and text messages now cuz you got what you wanted."
I fake slapped him.
He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Please don't be like those other girls and really do that."
"You're leaving in January. Is it fair to create this bond with you for you to just leave like that?"
"You think its going to hurt when I leave?"
He didn't say anything.
"I don't have time," I began, "to play games with people. I don't have time for a lot of things. I know you don't understand where you stand with me...There's so much you don't know about me. "
"I wonder why..."
I let him drop it. He kissed me goodbye. I wondered why...myself.
When did I become so closed off?
I feel the same tug of war that I felt with The Nigerian, except, I am he and Carter is me. Every time I get silent, I feel him saying..Talk to me. Tell me about your day. Tell me about your life. The words are there. They just don't come out. Maybe he understands a little.
I feel as though things have changed between him and I. I just want sex and maybe he wants a little more. He's husband material: kind, funny, smart and he understands what it takes to hold a house together. Whatever I want from him I could have. I know this to be true. So, why do I want nothing?
Saturday, November 6, 2010
She's giving it serious consideration.
I called her a stupid broad. The words slipped out but I meant them. What can I say to get through to her? Who in their right mind would wait for a man who has been with this other woman for 10 years, has been cheating on her probably the whole time, will make her believe a lie to give her a house and then leave her? Oh and then believe he's going to be faithful to you...
Wynsters asked me a good question: Am I her friend because we've been friends for so long or because I really enjoy her friendship?
Lately, BFF has been disappointing me. I tell her and she doesn't show that she cares. She's turning into someone who flinches and then shrugs when they're told they're wrong.
This post is not about her.
I have a decision to make and I want to make it before the New Year.
A) Move to Bermuda for 3 months. Live with and work for my nephew and his wife doing makeup. After Bermuda, London for 3 months and then home.
B) Stay in NYC and go to school.
With A, I want to get a job with MAC or Sephora because I could be set with those jobs...making decent money and with MAC, because they're international, I could transfer anywhere. There's even a MAC store in Bermuda. With Sephora, I could transfer to Paris.
With B, I would still need a job and I need to pay off $5k to my old school. Oh, and I have no idea what I want to go back to school to study.
Or...if I go to Bermuda in February...London in May...back home in September. I could start school. But...I still have to figure out a course of study. Plan C sounds like the business. I kind of want to be a teacher, but they're laying off teachers... I like English. What professions are out there for an English major?
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Thursday, November 4, 2010
We ate brunch at a spot in Brooklyn around the corner from BFF. Brunch was delish but my company even more so. He made me laugh, he made me smile and blush and he made me frown. He has a girlfriend. Its a long-distance thing. Boooooo! The purpose of brunch was so that he could add me to his company for this webseries he wants to do. I agreed. I need more film work and really...when the person asking is THAT charming, how can you refuse? We met up with BFF for a minute. He made us laugh. We left BFF and then I left him. I got a hot chocolate from the local cafe. Ran into a makeup artist friend who was face-painting kids. Messed with her for a little bit. Went home.
I've had my intern for 2 weeks and *sigh*...she might don't make it. I can't deal with younger workers with no job experience. They always have an issue. I went through a lot with Namesake, my last intern who had a new issue every day.
I've been reading a lot of self-development books lately. "Eat.Pray.Love." was really intense. Jaded was kind enough to send me "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" by Iyanla Vanzant and Editor, who thinks I'm too nice with the men-folk gave me "Why Men Love Bitches," which despite its title has set me straight on some mistakes I've been making. I know all these books have popped up in my life for a reason...it all feels so heady.
I don't feel like my adequate, efficient, self-assured self. Most have blamed The Nigerian and breaking my celibacy but I think even without that whole fiasco, I would be in the same place.
RastaMan joked with me that 1 person can really mess up your life or complete you. You don't know which until they've done their damage. This is true, yes..but where do we lay in the whole mess? Where and when do we weigh our actions in the equation?
Anyway...I'm not in the space that I want to be in and I asked God for guidance and these books popped up out of nowhere. The message is clear...if you want to be this type of woman so badly, work for it. The work is hard. I've basically been doing it all wrong and what is required of me is that I dig deep into places where I've shied away from and deal with the root causes of where this STUFF comes from. Also, things that were ok aren't okay anymore...thus, a lot of stuff with my mom has been coming up. I'm feeling like she's the reason why I have this superwoman cape on all the time. Some time around the age I really needed some development in my womanhood...she kind of threw up her hands and was like..."I'm incapable of seeing you as a person separate from my identity. I'm incapable of being selfless enough to listen with my ears, heart and maturity. I'm incapable of being nurturing. I'm incapable of making you feel safe with me." and I said, ok...that's fine. I'll raise myself. In her mind, she's like...well, I gave you shelter, heat, food and clothes...that should be enough. Sadly, it isn't.
And now, I'm so vulnerable and the only people that see it are men with significant others and you guys who read my blog.
I mean really, what can anyone do to help me? I told BFF a few weeks ago..."I'm really having a tough time. I'm depressed." We spent maybe 15 minutes talking about it and that was it. I fought my way out of that depression and now I'm in limbo again...not happy. Not sad. Just trying to make "something" happen.
And so.......here we are and I'm forced like I said earlier to see where I went wrong and somehowp fix myself. Thing is, I am so...tired.
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Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Saturday night, I had the urge to get pretty and go somewhere low key. I really did not prepare for the cold weather and I don't have a lot of cute clothes appropriate for the frigid temps.
J called me (not to be confused with JJ, lol) and reminded me that I agreed to go to a mutual friend's birthday dinner/bowling party.
So, I dolled up my face and wore basics and we rolled to Harlem where we were 2 1/2 hrs late for the dinner party and I bowled a 40 the entire game (I suck at bowling but I have HEART). I was the only woman in a room of 12 gay men and my friend DB who came up from DC invited his friend PZ.
PZ is a transexual male - meaning, he was born a woman and transitioned into being a man. He had all these surgeries and he is really convincing. He's also J's type to the T. He's light skinned with light green eyes. He has small pecks and a 6-pack with big muscular arms. He dresses like a thug. Anyways, PZ is not into men. We get invited to some party - we thought it was a house party in Brooklyn. J is goo goo over PZ and PZ doesn't want the night to end. So, we go to the party. Turns out, its at a lesbian club. *insert rolling eyes*
We pay to get in (!!!!)
I noticed some girls noticing me so I told PZ he was my boyfriend for the night because I'm straight. He laughs and agrees.
Out of the frying pan into the fire, I guess.
PZ is buying us drinks. There were gay friends of ours and we're all dancing and having a good time. There's this transexual woman (male to female) who I mentioned before a few years back. My boyfriend was dating her at the same time as me...(I'll try and find the post and link later) and she knows I hate her because of that...the whole thing is ugly. Anyways, she kept bumping me every time she passed by! Undeterred, I was still trying to have fun. she is into PZ too. Maybe that's why I kept getting bumped. There was really not much I could do...I'm 5"2. She's gotta be 6"4 and umm...yea...I'm not going to play myself.
PZ keeps dancing closer and closer and closer on me as the night progresses. At one point, he tells me to stay still and he dances on me like a stripper. I was tweeting/texting/BBM'ing the whole time because I'm rude and I didn't want to go there. J likes him.
Its the end of the night, lights go on in the club. We're looking for PZ. All of a sudden, someone hits someone else over the head with a glass bottle directly behind where me and J are standing. A piece of the glass hits J in the side of the face and he immediately starts bleeding. I take him to the side where I help him clean his wound.
We get ushered outside. We see PZ who tells us that his friends are really drunk and he needed to make sure they were okay.
J and I are walking to the car. Who do we run into? The girl who my ex cheated on me with. She admits that she's on Percocet, coke and has had a few drinks. She asks J to take her some place "right up the block"..J obliges. She then goes IN about how much she loved my ex. How he was abusive. How she didn't mean to hurt me. How blah blah blah...we drove her about 20 mins away. J was silent. I never told him. He drove me home. He told me if I want to date PZ he would be okay with it. He says its obvious PZ is into me. I say he's nice but he doesn't have all the equiptment I need in a man. It was 5:30 on the dot when I walked through my door.
A few seconds after I get inside, my mom calls me. Not wanting my joy killed, I let it go to vm. I check it a few minutes later, hoping there was some emergency or something.
Her message was basically...
"I heard you come in. No decent woman comes in so late at night. You should be ashamed...did someone even bring you home...blah blah blah"
I need to move further away...
Anyway, that was Saturday night!
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Saturday, October 30, 2010
I dreamt I was working as a journalist for my college's newspaper (this is true) but I was at a different school in New England than the one I went to and a famous basketball player was there playing for the team. He looked like Carmello Anthony but I kept calling him Dwayne Wade. Anyway, me and Dwayne were mad cool and I kept messing with him. I kicked him and ran away. He caught me (of course) and pulled my wig off in front of the whole school. I sat in a corner and put my wig back on, walked out and gave him the evil eye. As I came home to my apartment now...I went to sleep but I knew I was pregnant. I was only about 4 months. All of a sudden, I felt slight pain and discomfort. I looked under the sheets...there was a little blood but I gave birth to the baby who looked slightly bigger than a regular infant. I wrapped it up and held it close to me and started talking to it. A few days later in the dream, the baby started talking and walking but it was normal to me although I knew it was a bad sign. The baby started trying to kill me. We were fighting. Part of me felt like I had to kill the child...the other part didn't want to...
So, I chased it out of the house. It broke a glass and threw it in my face. I choked it and said..."Please stop. I don't want to kill you." then it ran away....
Other snippet of another dream was I was grown with kids and a car and I was taking my pastor's kids on a road-trip with my kids...but my pastor's son (who is 2 now) was a pre-teen and his daughters who are 14 and 11 were the same age. I saw glimpses of my kids who might be anywhere from maybe 8/9 to 11/12. I had two..one of them was a boy.
Why all the children dreams??? Why have a baby at 4 months and then have it try and kill me?
such a weird dream, especially because my hair is an inch long right now. i've never wanted a baby really and if i did, i was sure i wanted a girl. also it felt like his father's name was terrence too. who the heck is terrence?? i only know 2...one is very light-skinned and i'm sure if we had a child together, the child probably wouldn't come out to being my complexion (or it could...black genes are weird sometimes) and the other is my cousin. i didn't feel like i know this terrence yet. the child resembled this little boy named titus i knew growing up. he was a gorgeous little boy who is now 16 years old and is a gorgeous young man...but the little boy in my dream looked like titus but like me too...with his small slanted eyes, small nose and full lips.
i could take the dream figuratively, where baby terrence is my business flourishing but when i woke up, i chose to take it literally...wondering about this man terrence who would bring me a baby terrence and a happy home where photo shoots are involved and everyone is brown and beautiful. it would make sense that in my home, photo shoots would happen, right? lol. i woke up warm and fuzzy and a little hopeful...if not for the baby then for my HAIR!!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
and then i talk to my mother.
mostly, its on accident or out of bare necessity.
like today, my new intern was scheduled to work. i needed an extra computer. i didn't want to just take her computer without asking. boom! bare necessity.
when we're over the phone, she makes me feel bad about how i'm not doing a great job of taking care of my grandmother. today, she hung up on me because i wanted to bring her home and take care of her business next week instead of this week. THIS from someone who can't find time to even visit her! are you fucking kidding me? before that, she asked me about my business..."are you making any money???" - truthfully, no. not enough to support me. "i can't believe you can't find a job...with all your job history and qualifications."
i can't believe i can't find a job either.
and i apply to about 20 per day. granted, i did skip a few days this week. so, tonight, i decided to make up for lost days and apply for as many jobs as possible. the past 3 hours, i've applied for 35 jobs with a desperation that i've never felt before. with tears in my eyes...i looked for a job. my phone was on silent. my eyes glued to monster and craigslist because i NEED a job like i NEED oxygen.
because i NEED to get the fuck out of here!
i feel like she takes pleasure in beating up on me at every single turn. those questions are logical for any mother to ask but maybe...i don't know...i need someone to treat me gently sometimes.honestly, i don't know what to say...does she want me to break down? does she want me to admit i'm making a mess of my life? one day without prodding, without an audience, without anything...i just want her to be like..."you've been through some amazing trials and you haven't killed yourself. good job." - maybe not in those words but something along that sentiment. or maybe something like.. "i support you." something simple. and i want her to mean it.
maybe i ask for too much.
for now, i'd be content with a job that pays more than peanut shells and water and a nice city to relocate to.
still, i'd been carrying something for him. and apparently, he for me. i always considered him to be the one that got away. we wound up at dinner last night after months of him asking me when we could get together to talk. RM and I have always had these amazingly profound intense talks about God, love, politics, hair, passion, purpose...
and we talked. he calls the woman he lives with, his wife because he's committed to her. he talked about his son and the excitement of his soon to be born daughter...we talked about love. passion (as far as careers)...i talked about my uncertainty, he talked about what he sees as an educator in the nyc school system (it sucks) we ate and then we walked...he kept saying that my energy is the same as it was in high school...never innocent and then he'd look at me auspiciously. then it came out.
me: i loved you so much in high school but you didn't want me,
rm: its not that i didn't want you. i was confused. i didn't know what i wanted. it was obvious you wanted a relationship. i wasn't ready.
rm: tell me that's not what you wanted.
me: ok, it was...but you could have told me.
rm: i was stupid. here was this woman who i could talk to about anything..who was so funny, ambitious, smart and beautiful right in front of me and i chose to walk away from that because i was afraid.
me: wow. thank you. but you found that again in college. the woman who is your wife, right?
rm: i wouldn't say that.
me: well, it doesn't matter what we had anymore. because its too late.
rm: its never too late...you never know what the future holds...we may reunite in that way when we're old..but i get why you say that.
me: because you're married.
rm: because i'm married.
we walked back to the car and sat inside talked about this non-profit he wants to start and more things about how disheartening the education system is...when we heard some call out "Rasta Man" (his first and last name)...it was another old friend from high school...one of RM's best friends. We all used to do poetry together. Let's call him HL. HL kept looking at me like....why are you guys together...I felt like a tramp for admittedly going to dinner and then sitting in a car with this married man. I'm always that girl that guy friends who have girlfriends and my girl friends' boyfriends are always invisible to me...we have no friendship anymore...we have no interaction because it causes trouble in the end. so, you must know..i felt like a scoundrel...we parted ways. rm drove me home. we started talking about religion. as we pulled up in front of my house, rm accidentally grazed my knee as he was maneuvering the clutch...it was nothing but his touch felt like fire in my veins. i said i had to go...i took some pictures of him and hugged him. as i was about to leave. he says...i can't help but think about your cocoon (i told him a poem about how i wanted to slip into some guys bed...a warm cocoon)..i faux-slapped him and walked away from him not really sure of what to say...truthfully...i wanted him to come inside that cocoon too....
this life we lead is so fragile and 1 person can ruin the whole thing for you. i don't want to be the reason by which chaos is introduced into his world. there are children involved and he made a promise to this woman. who am i to interject myself into that?
i felt things that i haven't felt for someone in such a long time...i wanted to bottle it up and wear it as a fragrance...
and so, i went home to sleep uncomfortably understanding the whole other woman thing a little bit more but proud of myself for having self-control, remembering a bit of our conversation from earlier when i told him...everything in our lives after a certain point is dictated by the choices we make.
a friend tweeted me when I got home:
"OMG, I saw you today but u were on a date, so i didn't want to interrupt...u were like reallllllllly into each other. It was so sweet. You were just glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Ugh...beautiful! It was good to see you so happy!"
I was happy but it was not real...a beautiful mirage that disappears as soon as you blink your eyes.
i bbm'ed jj to see if we were still on to lay up this weekend. he said no. i felt desperate disappointment right down to my toes. i feel like i need the type of release that comes from being held and having sex...laughing with a man...giving the guard that's on call 24-7 around my heart and mind the night off.
the one thing i miss about being in a relationship is the freedom to be soft.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Today is one of those days. I woke up and just wanted out. Life is good. Life is stressful and full of things and situations I don't quite understand but for a few hours, I want to be caught up in something pleasurable. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to have an orgasm. I want good food. I want strong wine. I want to walk out of my house looking like a dollar and have someone tell me I look like a million bucks.
Do you guys ever just want to find that trap door that leads to the exit? Not necessarily because life is horrible but just to break the sheer monotony.
(reading eat.pray.love only adds to the urge to have wings...)
I want to lay up under someone this weekend. I want to feel someone's arms around me. I want to kiss and hug and do stuff. I need them to help me forget my troubles. I asked JJ if he wanted to do that and he was taken aback because I asked him just like that...
"I want to lay up this weekend."
"Whoa,pow I will get back to you on that and wow" - was his response.
I have this nagging feeling that I will scare him off. Men like to conquer right? We'll see.
I'm trying to play it cool.
I told Editor what transpired and my fear. She shrugged.
She said, "Sometimes, you just need the arm and hammer." Lol
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My budget is really tight. That overdraft threw me off in that I have 3 major bills coming out this week that will overdraft me again. And then when things like light and gas come out at the end of the month, I will overdraft again. Then at the beginning of the month....you get it.
I can stop the cycle by using 1/2 of my London ticket money to pad my account. Which means $450 turned into $225 and I have to come up with $475 to buy my ticket.
I write this with tears streaming down my face. I know I can sacrifice and make it happen. I am looking for a job heavy heavy. I'm just so...disappointed. 1 mistake in managing cost me big time.
We had a conference call for the magazine today. Editor likes open forums where we talk about our faults as a group and criticize each other. That's so not my style. If something bothers me about someone, I'll pull them to the side. Also, I don't criticize myself in front of other people unless its something everyone noticed. Like...sorry I made one eye bigger than the other on that model. In many cases, to me...it shows weakness.
Anyways...this chick says "Nina interviewed JJ and that threw me off because I had my questions ready. I know I should've said something in the moment. I'm sorry but you threw me off for the rest of the day."
Ok...JJ showed up at 8:30am. I interviewed him at 11:30. Hours after he'd been sitting around doing nothing. She was at Pathmark with Editor and had just come back when I started the interview. What kills me is...we were in the same place til 8pm. She drove me home. Yet, she waits 4 days later to tell me in a conference call. Ok.
Other critiques were made but that was the only that pissed me off.
I didn't lash out. I apologized. I explained my reasoning. I swallowed my whatever.
I'm gonna quit it with this superwoman act. All people ever wanted to do to Superman was watch him fold when he came in contact with Kryptonite.
On a lighter note, Willow's song is in my head...I whip my hair back and forth...hahahaha.
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
First, I went to dinner with my friends. I helped them with an event last week, controlling ticket sales booth all night. I showed up at 1pm. Left at 7am. The venue kind of worked them a little bit and they ended up paying $2400 extra than they'd originally thought. I wasn't expecting payment. Last night, 1 person gave me $50. I really needed it. My account was overdrawn by charges that were 5 days late in posting to my account.
I wake up this morning, J calls me and says they did have a meager profit. They decided to split it 3 ways (the people who worked) and my cut was $500. Oh em gee. I felt like I won the lottery.
Right after, I checked my balance. My account was overdrawn $99 because my gym took out their payment early and then overdraft fees. This was after I'd put $30 in the account to cover the original overdraft.
Undeterred, I knew I wanted to use my $450 (minus tithes) to go somewhere I'd always wanted to go. It was between London or LA. I'd been talking about going for 2 years! I said London even though if I go to LA (tickets are $300 while tickets to London are $600) because in London, I'd have free lodging.
Excited, I called BFF to share in my joy. I was thinking about going in Jan/Feb - y'know start the year of right although the weather will be miserable. BFF was less than enthused because we talked about taking a trip to some place warm in February right before she starts the hard part of nursing school. She deflated my balloon in 10 seconds flat.
I was pissed. Why can't she pretend to be happy for me?
I turned to the thing that usually uplifts me...makeup. I look really good. I bought a wig last week that is really big and curly. Mom said she didn't like it and I should get it cut down because it was too big. Everyone thinks I look like Chaka Khan.
I'm leaving to go see grandma at 6 before meeting up with Wynsters to a poetry reading. I run into her. She calls me close.
I say Hi. She says.."I hate that hair. You look so crazy. Why can't you cut it down?"
I didn't answer. I just turned and walked away.
She calls me back. "Don't walk away from me like that. Where you going?"
"To see grandma"
"You've been home all day and you couldn't go earlier? Oh, btw, your face looks nice."
No one asked for you fucking opinion!
Grandma was complaining the whole visit. I started out at a 10 and now I'm at 3. Really hoping this event makes me forget the negative and dwell on the positive.
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Monday, October 18, 2010
I went to church yesterday...let me tell you, it was a bit of a fight getting ready to go! I think that was the perfect time for me to go. I was in good spirits. The title of the sermon was, "God, Its Not Fair!" Pastor talked about how our society thinks everything in the world should be fair but fairness is determined by who is in power. What we really want is to be equal. Then he said, God has the power over us. If he treated us fairly, we wouldn't have anything because of our sin, we don't deserve His love and protection but He gives us His grace.The minister sung "Encourage Yourself" - sometimes you're going through and you have to speak to yourself and you'll make it. The service was great and I got to talk to a few people after service. Felt like a lot of it was tailor made for me.
Saturday, we had a shoot for the magazine...lots of stuff happened but I'll get to that later.
One good thing that happened was...I invited this guy, JJ to be one of the props in the shoot. JJ is a producer I met a while ago at a hip hop concert. He was there to network and I was there to flirt. I thought he was cute and in my alpha female way, I pounced on him. He wasn't really receptive to me. I tried BBM'ing him and it really just didnt' work. Anyway, we are doing a music issue and thought it would be great exposure for him and asked him to come out. We were behind schedule and he was there early not doing anything..so, I asked him outside with me and we sat on the swings at this playground. We talked a while about him. He's 38 but I swear, he looks like he's 25. He's really operating in his passion, taking his time. He has no kids...he's single and he's just living his life...he's really nice and I felt like I could be myself with him. I don't feel that way very often with men. We made a plan to meet up this week to hang out..do something low key.
As one of the writers was taking me home, she asked me about The Nigerian bc she saw tweets about him. I told her the whole story...she was like..damn but your tweets were funny though. A blocked number called me and I picked up. Guess what, it was The Nigerian. I was rude (of course) and hung up on him. Sunday night, he called again. I was tired of ignoring his calls, so I picked up. I figured if he were still calling...he had something he wanted and needed to get off of his chest. This fool is gonna say..."Do we have a misunderstanding? You keep ignoring my calls and texts." I told him we don't. I don't want to be with him. He does. He begged. He defended his case. He apologized. He asked if we could do lunch or coffee. I said no. I don't want to see him. He begged. He asked if he could come over to my house. I said no. I don't want to see him. He let that go...thankfully. He talked and talked and he said he didn't know why I hate him. I told him the truth. "I don't hate you." Why don't you want to date me? I made a mistake. I want to get to know you. "I'm not going to say a lot of mean and hurtful things to you because that's not my style. I don't want to date you because you treated me like crap before. Why would I go back to that? You are a selfish person and you don't know what you want. You want everything on your time schedule. You don't listen to me. You don't care about what I want." He persisted...I just want to see you...to talk to you...I told him I would consider it. He had to go. He ould call me later.
I thought about it. When he calls me again..I'll probably say no. I don't want to see him or talk to him about anything. He had this newfound epiphany because I know, deep down, he's lonely but he doesn't understand how his actions contribute to it. I've finally got my footing back and am on a good road. I would still be fighting for something from him...possibly something he can't give me. I'm done. I've let go. I thought about how I felt with JJ...genuinely at ease. He laughs a lot and he makes me laugh..I want that. TN, like most men can sense when you're moving on...I mucked up the thiing with Carter over TN (rightfully so..but still) and I won't repeat it with JJ.
Things are looking up.
Friday, October 15, 2010
I don't want to say I regret having Brit in my apartment but I do. This house is old and surrounded by trees. Of all the apartments, I was always spared rodents (because I never kept food out.) In 4 years, I've never had a mouse...1 month of Brit staying with me, that's the 3rd mouse I caught. Its disgusting. I hate them!
Coincidentally, BFF talked me into keeping her cat for a week. I'm scared and happy for it...scared because I don't want the cat to bring me little half-eaten mouse bodies and happy because I'm hoping it'll scare the mice away.
I was never the type to steal a cookie from the cookie jar and my mom be oblivious to it or do my homework in class and the teacher not notice. I could never get away with anything. So, why did I think that I could break my celibacy and do what I want and there be no repercussions? In all honesty, it wasn't my choice to break my celibacy. TN forced himself on me. I took the attitude of...its too late..why not find the good in the situation. Why not try and enjoy it? I should've known by that first experience that things would only get worse. I got nothing from him. Not emotionally, physically, mentally - nothing. Only hurt. Everyone warned me but I had to see what was down the rabbit hole. I had no idea 1 person could really destroy your life. I thought I was stronger than a situation like that.
I've lost some things. Some of it, I can't get back and others, I have to work like hell to get back.
I've lost my notion that people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I told myself that TN was a good person and that I misunderstood what happened between us. He didn't rape me. He was just being aggressive. I like aggressive men, right? Even now, saying the words - I was raped. Doesn't register. Doesn't illicit an emotional response. Doesn't click. If I said no and he persisted...I was raped.
I've lost 3 months of productivity. In my industry, it might as well have been 6 months. Depression and sickness almost sucked the life out of me. For a moment, I did lose my will to live.
I've lost faith in men. They all want 1 thing. They will lie, cheat, buy you things, act as if they care to get it. There are men that I'm close to and I've been keeping them close so that they can remind me that not all men are like that. They don't know what happened but they joke with me, clown me, inspire me, pray for me...and that's why I haven't gone all crazed feminist.
Most importantly, I've lost my relationship with God. I don't know why I stopped going to church. One Sunday, I just didn't feel like I wanted to hear what my pastor had to say. My church is huggy...it used to be comforting but now its like...don't touch me.
I've lost so much and time is flying by...if I don't act now, I will sit here and lose sight of the life I had planned. I can't allow myself to be destroyed by this...by anything. Baby steps back to life as I used to know it.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I need the comfort of something or someone. My family will embrace me but they're far away. No, I need something more personal. Spooning. I need to be held.
Although he's the last person I would let touch me, I go back to my time with TN...mainly, because he was the last person to touch me. My brain remembers the hugs..sleeping in the middle of the day holding each other. Incidentally, the times before we started having sex. Go figure.
Tomorrow, it will make 11 years since my dad died. I always feel so alone around this time.
There are people I could call for sex. New people. Old people. I know I could walk into almost any bar/club/lounge, get someone to buy me drinks and take me home but is that what I really want?
Where do you find comfort in this cold city?
I've been in bed all day, literally. Sleeping, reading, watching stuff online...ignoring calls from Twin. I told him I just wanted to rest today and he just wouldn't stop calling. My friends are too needy. I feel like I have too many people relying on me. That's who I am...old faithful...the reliable one but sometimes, I just want to flake out and not feel bad about it.
Who do I rely on? Twin told me I could rely on him emotionally but I can't. Old habits dying hard and such.
I've been contemplating what's next...travel, school..what career am I going to fall into? My heart is not into what I'm doing anymore. I'm starting to hate the industry. No one wants to be normal or down to earth. No one wants to have integrity. I've built something though. I've built something stable in a year. Amazing. Should I tear it down to go be someone's secretary?
So, what's next? I don't know. JC called me the other day and said he was inspired to motivate me...he'd had a dream or something and he woke up and thought of me and told me not to stop pursuing my dream.
I need some comfort. A hug. A kiss on the forehead. A word that everything will be okay.
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Monday, October 11, 2010
I've been really stressed out about everything, really. Beginning to think that I put too much pressure on myself but don't really know how NOT to.
Grandma has been really trying to get out of the nursing home and I've really wanted to help her..however, every step of the way, there is a roadblock. Now, they're saying her Medicare needs to be re-certified...I have no idea how I'm going to do that. It is truly always something...
Everything else has the pressure building...running the magazine, running my business, looking for a job, working on extra projects...
I guess I'm just checking in to let you guys know I'm okay...not super happy..not depressed...just trudging along..
Sunday, October 3, 2010
i was so excited to go out tonight. i planned my outft in my head all day..changed my makeup twice... first saturdays at brooklyn museum.
first, wynsters and i were supposed to go...she had to go to her boyfriend's father's birthday party. duty calls. i called bff. she has homework to do. bff will be using school as an excuse for everything she doesnt want to do from now until winter break...i'm sure. editor said she would go. she picked up her boyfriend's 4 year old daughter (for what reason, i do not know) and her boyfriend didn't get off of work in time for her to come out. twin had to work. determined not to let (what usually happens when i ask my friends to go out) deter me...i decided to go alone. i usually go out alone anyway...i get to the museum and i run into 2 girls i know from this fashion show i did makeup for and another girl named nina too. i decided to hang with them. big mistake. some women..you just can't be friends with. nina2 was looked for a man. every single man that passed us, she would critique...too corny, did you see how he was dancing?, too old, too young, too wack, no swagger...they were playing some JAMS...no one was dancing but me...i left to get me some wine because they were making me sulk and not enjoy what was going on. when i came back, they disappeared. i ran into one of them...nina2 was staying. she had her eye on a guy with a beautiful back in an orange shirt. i asked her why she wasn't even attempting to look like she was having fun. she wasn't there to have fun. she was there to get a man. wow...ok. her desperation was like a perfume and it really truly was suffocating me. i encouraged her to say something to orange..she did and when i went to throw my wine cup away, she left with him without so much as a goodbye. i guess...mission accomplished.
still undeterred, i was on the dance floor alone....shaking it to salt'n'pepa's "push it"...that's lowkey one of my favorite songs...so i pushed it, i 2-stepped to earth wind and fire's "september" and i jumped up while clapping to michael jackson's mama say mama sah mama coosahh or whatever he says....then at 10pm, abruptly...brooklyn museum shut the party down. it usually goes til 11. everyone was dumb-founded and it took 25 minutes to walk down 3 flights of stairs to leave. i ran into my beloved archer...flirted with him, hugged him up and he made me laugh which was great. after, i had nowhere to go and nothing to do but i wasn't done..
i waited for the train that takes me home...as i was waiting, on the other side, the train that goes to manhattan was coming...i ran and caught it and went to this restaurant this guy i've been bbm'ing is a partner in. it also happens to be the restaurant where me and the nigerian were together last. the restaurant where he left me without saying goodbye...fucker.
i walked in and ran into this dude o who produces nigerian movies and clearly wants something to pop off between us. he offered to buy me a drink and i sat down wanting to talk to bbm dude. bbm dude was busy making sure the patrons felt okay and i was feeling more and more uncomfortable as i remembered that night, watched o watching me and so i just left. i wandered around the streets of fort greene in a mini skirt as the brisk night wrapped around my legs...there were bars i peeked into but just didn't feel like having hungry eyes on me. i walked to this cigar bar, talked to the owner about doing a photo shoot there which he said yes to...got on the train, in a cab and went home.
tonight was a bust.
i need new friends...girls like me who are fun to hang out with, will get dressed up, wear makeup, wear heels and just smile and laugh. where do i find such people? its really getting old to go everywhere alone...praying i find someone to be my friend for the night. i'm trying not to be sad....tonight was supposed to be awesome but it just ended up being anticlimatic...and a waste of $30 in cabs. but no, seriously...where do i find new friends?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I've allowed myself 17 days of sickness, depression, fear and every destructive emotion there is. Today is when it ends. I can't wallow in whatever it is I'm wallowing in and destroy this life I built.
Today, I reclaim who I am.
Monday, September 27, 2010
i woke up at 7am feeling really great. i wasn't coughing. i sent out a few emails, tweeted, read a couple of blogs. around 10am, i started coughing. fine. doctor's orders...go to the ER. i procrastinated....got to the hospital at 12. at 4:45, i walked out of there...chest xray clear with the doctor's explanation that it could be a virus or the common cold or allergies. she prescribed me cough syrup with codeine. i was pissed. i spent the day in the ER with loud people, crying babies and stinky people to be told...oh...we're not sure what's wrong with you...oh and she said...a virus or a cold could last up to 4-5 weeks...
and so i go to my mom's house because i need cable and my favorite purple comforter. she comes home. she asks me what happened..i tell her 1/2 of what the doctor said before she walks away mid-sentence.
later, she's like...your brother wants us to come down for thanksgiving. i say fine. she says...i guess i'll scrape the money to get the car fixed to drive down. the next sentence is...his insurance company offered him a settlement of $10,000 (from his recent car accident) and i told him not to take it...he needs to hold out for more money.
that explains the sudden interest in my brother.
an hour later, my stomach is imploding...i ask her if she has anything to eat. she doesn't. i ask if she wants chinese..."do you have money?" yes. "are you paying for everybody?" i look around and its just me and her. i say..."if you mean, the two of us...sure."
as we drive 2 blocks over to the chinese place, i say..."your air freshener is killing me." i say this coughing between every word. she says, "well its my air freshener for my house and it sprays every 30 minutes so if you don't like it..." she catches herself. i'm pissed. i try and leave the car while its still moving. i ask what she wants...i get the food. get back to her place, grab my shit as fast as possible and leave.
i was going to leave without saying anything. she catches me as i reach the door. "you leaving?" "yup" i don't look back.
i really think about it. my brother does NOTHING. in the past 11 years since my dad has been gone, he's not given us a dime to help us out, he has sent no birthday/christmas cards or gifts. yet and still...last week when he got into the accident, she says...maybe i'll try and get down there to nurse him back to health.
i live literally upstairs...i've been sick for 2 weeks...i haven't gotten a hug, a cup of tea or a bowl of soup.
this is why i harden myself. i've let this sickness make me soft. so, i will harden myself again. the only thing going through my head was..get the fuck out. i am going to pull myself up by my chin..nurse myself back to better health than i was in before, get a job, save money and get the fuck out of here. as soon as i can, i'm going to just buy a ticket some place and work it out.
i can't do this. i can't live like this.
i'm going to forge a life somewhere else and create my own family. i'm sick of always feeling like the people who should be closest to me don't give a shit about me.
i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thinking about why I'm so guarded. I watched a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest and 9 year old Willow Smith. Ryan asked her how she stays so poised under all the pressure and she said.."My mom told me to always say how I'm feeling."
That was so new to me. Growing up, my parents ruled with such an iron fist that feelings were non-existent. As I got older, I tried to voice how I felt but was always overruled without a second thought. My mom and her feelings took up a lot of space in the house. Everyone just wanted to make her happy.
My dad got sick when I was 9. That was the end of my childhood. My brother took off shortly after and it was just me...during summer vacations when other kids played, I took care of my dad...making him lunch, making sure his insulin was fine, making sure he had his pills...he called me his little nurse. No one asked me how I felt about anything. My mom has always burdened me with things kids shouldn't know...what bill is due, what bill is past due, money problems...I took those problems on myself.
I acted out. When I was 12, I stole maybe $1000 from my dad's bank account. I used the money to go to the mall and buy stuff from Claire's to make my room cool. My dad cried when he found out. My mom yelled. They wanted to know why. I didn't know why. I guess I just wanted them to notice me.
I skipped a grade and went into high school at 13. Each incoming freshman had to take summer school so that they could become familiar with their surroundings. I became familiar with a guy who was going to be a senior. 2 weeks after knowing him, I lost my virginity. He didn't know I was a virgin. I didn't care. I just knew that my parents kept telling me to stay a virgin and I don't know...I just didn't want to. Afterwards, his brother tried to get me to give him a blow job. The stupid boy and his cousin called my house asking me if it was true I just gave up my virginity like that and if I wanted to have sex again. Before I could answer, my dad took the phone from me and asked why boys were calling his 13 year old daughter and to leave me alone. Both parents lectured me about boys...meaning they weren't allowed- period. My brother voluntarily went into a group home to escape them. I understood why.
I found out my dad died from church people calling the house to give their condolences while I was doing homework. My mom's cousin called and I corrected her and she was like no, I thought he died today. I called my mom who told me my grandma had something to tell me. I called my grandmother who told me to go to her house. She had known but hadn't found the right way to tell me. By the time I got home, my mom and her coworker were at home. She admonished me for running home. I needed to get out of my grandmother's house. She hugged me and then I went riding around Brooklyn with her coworker to get us some food and pick up her kids.
I didn't really have friends. I was a month into my freshman year in high school. I didn't cry. No one asked me how I felt. No one really called and talked to me unless they were kids of my mom's friends.
The day of my dad's funeral, I was made to wear an ugly skirt suit. My mom wore a silver and black skirt suit with a big silver hat. The ceremony was in our church although dad never set foot in a church the entire time I was alive. Mom praised God. She was such a spectacle. I was made to say words although I begged not to say anything. I bombed, freezing when I saw my dad in the casket.
Things were estranged when we all came home. Mom kicked out my sister from Bermuda out of "her" house...the house my dad built from the ground up with his bare hands because she had a beer. My sisters left me without a real goodbye. They were hurt.
Everyone was a stranger to me. Mom cried. I consoled her. I didn't cry. I was tough. She noticed that I hadn't shown any emotion and praised me, made jokes about it, made comments...never got me counseling. My siblings scattered. No one really called. I focused on school and soccer. I was in the honors program, made good grades, stayed out of trouble and no one questioned anything.
I imploded within myself...I was in pain. My dad, my only real friend died. I was in a new environment. I wasn't cool or cute or stylish. I vowed to myself...I wouldn't make it past 17. Those were the first times I taught myself not to feel emotion. After a while, it just became part of who I am and its something I struggle with now.
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I worry about the people I will leave behind.
I worry if I've shown everyone enough love.
I worry about what will be left behind of my life.
I worry about being alone.
I worry about them reading the blog and seeing my unadulterated thoughts about them. Sometimes I can be harsh. Even harsh, I love everyone I've written about fiercely. I wish they all would do better.
I wish I could sometimes curl in bed with my mom and have her hold me. I wish I didn't have to do most things alone. I wish my back wasn't so strong.
I wish my sisters were around when I was growing up. I was such a lonely kid. I didn't have any real friends til high school. My friendship with junior high best friend was based on...nothing in the end.
I miss my dad every day. I imagine him strong and protective. I miss the sound of his voice. I no longer remember what it sounds like.
I have to rebuild myself. I can. I will.
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(This may be a long one)
Being sick for so long has taught me the meaning of friendship. Some people are incapable of certain types of friendship. BFF is a nurturer. She will make me tea, she will force-feed me...she will make me go to the doctor. J is not a nurturer. He's incapable of dealing with major issues. He shuts down. I was coughing so bad, I couldn't talk the other day over the phone because he insists on calling me although I told him my cough is aggravated by talking. What does he do? He mocks my cough. Twin is in-between. He feels helpless but he'll pay for stuff for me. Ask if I'm okay. I feel his love. My mom is not my friend. She should be but she never has been and I shouldn't expect it although she expects it of me. I've been to every doctor visit she's told me about. I've brought her stuff when she's sick. I'm there. I'm just playing my part.
I want my man to be my friend.
TN called me twice today. I'm not impressed with his "effort" nor did I really want him to come in with guns blazing trying to woo me back.
Last night, I youtubed Jill Scott singing "Slowly Surely" live and oh my gosh....if you've never heard the song...youtube the studio version and then the live. In this concert, at the end of the song she points to her head and sings Listen. She points to her heart and sings Listen. She points to her vagina and sings Listen. It was the most poignant thing for me.
If I'd have listened to either of those 3 things, I would have left TN alone after the 3rd date. I was clouded. By what? I'll get back to you.
All day I've been saying to myself, "He's not even remotely the man you want or need. He doesn't want to be but he doesn't want to lose you. Not because he cares but because he wants you in his harem. He's not worth that. You're worth more. Be better than this situation."
Enough about that.
I knew I'd lost some weight when the jeans I bought 2 weeks ago and had to squeeze into went on without a hitch. I met up with Twin and the 1st thing he said was..."Omg, you lost so much weight. Is it safe to hug you?"
He and I went book-shopping at Barnes and Noble in Union Square. I researched books I wanted to read thinking the Af-American fiction would be separate. It wasn't and I couldn't find the books I wanted. So, I aimlessly searched for a book and ended up with this Haruki Murakami. I'm a little annoyed because the description on the back of the book praised the writer more than telling the reader what the eff its about. I remember his debut novel had great reviews and they take place in Japan so I figured, why not? If its bad, I'm going to rip it to shreds in my review. Afterward, Twin and I got food at McDonald's and then walked 4 blocks to a dvd spot, perused the aisles and I felt like my muscles were waking up. We walked (very slowly) 3 long blocks to the train and by then the McD's needed to come out. Took the train to downtown BK. Waited for the bus and took my medicine just as the bus came. Its a 45 minute ride home. 15 minutes in, I started coughing so bad, the person sitting in front of me changed seats. By the time I got off the bus, I kept telling myself...just get home, Nina...just get home. I don't know if I felt weak...I just felt like I'd pushed it. I felt fine - just a little tired - until I took the damn antibiotic! Waiting for tomorrow. The moment I start coughing, I'm going to the ER. I've kind of accepted that's what's going to happen. I would be very surprised if I woke up all better but y'know my sisters are praying for me...their church is praying for me...you never know.
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monday, he sent me that fb message:
I apologize for the way things are going between us, it is not that it is my wish
I responded with:
You apologize for the way things went but not how you treated me.
He never said anything back. He called me 2 days later....today, I made up my mind...this situation I'm in is kind of serious. Every aspect of my life has kind of shut down. I'm really going to have to rebuild everything...my body, my spirit, my self-esteem, my business...everything. I wrote him just a few minutes ago:
You are a very funny person, as you like to say.I could've handled the truth if you'd told me that all you wanted from me was sex. I would have respected you. You won't apologize for the way you treated me because you probably don't think you're wrong. I should have listened to you when you said so many times...you don't like anyone, you don't miss anyone. You have no idea what you see in me.The truth is...you are a coward. You said whatever you said and then cleaned it up. You are too frightened to say what you mean and mean what you say, plain and simple. You are too scared to open up even just enough so that I could see there was a persn in there. I learned my lesson. I'm letting you go.
I lingered over the "Remove from Friends" button for a few minutes and let my eyes well up and then I sucked it up and clicked it and his business partner too. I need to let go. I need to claw my way back to happy.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
the doctors don't have a clue what's wrong with me....my blood tests came back normal on my kidneys, sugar and blood count...THANK GOD!
the azithromycin they gave me makes me light-headed...
my apartment looks like a crack den but every attempt at cleaning makes me dizzy.
i'm getting scared now.
the thought, "they'll find out what's wrong with you in autopsy" popped in my head and it keeps going on and on like a looped record.
friday, the doctor told me that if i'm still coughing on Monday, to go to the ER and ask them to take a chest xray for me. part of me wants to go to the ER now.
the worst part of this is being alone all the time. mom is in dc burying a cousin. the only other person's house i can sleep at is bff's. sometimes, its overwhelming to be there and i don't want to be a burden on anyone.
i've been trying to look forward to something...in 5 months, i'll be 25 (God-willing) and I'm thinking about spending the weekend at my favorite hotel, The Gansevoort, heels, hair, the works...
right now, i'm having slight chest pain that feels like its going straight to my back. i'm thinking about how do i get to the hospital just in case bff can't take me. when she's asleep, she's asleep. i'm thinking about how tacky my dad's funeral was and how i don't want my funeral to be like that at all. all in all, i try and drive these thoughts away as much as i can and i think about makeup, how i would write some book reviews i need to do...
and of course, thoughts go to the nigerian....wondering if he would've been nice to me...probably not. those thoughts are nice..sleeping in his bed while he brings me tea and holds me at night...knowing that situation, he probably wouldn't let me alone and would just force my sick self to have sex with him....
the truth is...i'm so lonely.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
They listened to me...everybody...from the triage nurse to the doctor.
I decided to go to Kings County medical clinic. Kings County Hospital is like THE biggest hospital in Brooklyn. Its also the place where my mom died but I figured...I had no real other choice. So, I get there at 8:30 (clinic opens at 8) and I'm number 51 on the walk-in list. I get called in. Do you have insurance? No. Go see a financial advisor who asked me 2 questions: 1. Are you employed? No 2. Do you have insurance? No. Ok, any visit to any of their clinics: gyn, dental, medical is $15 until 9/22/2011. Sa-weeeeeeeet!!
Anyways...I wait for 2 hours before the triage nurse calls me in and she wants to know everything. So, I tell her. She looks at me like a person (*gasp*) and she tests me for diabetes. I don't have it. (Thank God)
I wait another 2 hours before this rickety old doctor takes me to some back room and he wants to hear the story too and so I tell him. He thinks I may have had or am getting rid of a virus - explains the muscle weakness and lack of eating and this weird talk-activated cough. I tell him about the kidney disease in my family. He's less hasty to give me UTI meds. Instead, he tells me to give some blood for them to run tests on. I have to come back on Friday for the results.
Also, he gave some heavy duty antibiotics for the cough. $25 for 6 pills!!! They're worth it, I guess. I tried to eat as much as I could but my stomach is still messed up and my head feels wobbly when I stand. I still have the cough and now a sneeze. I had to take 2 pills today and 1 each day so we'll see...maybe it gets worse before better.
That was the best experience at a doctor minus the wait. I feel closer to figuring out what the hell is going on with me.
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I found this on postsecret this weekend and it spoke to me so loudly....i've pulled back from my friends because i'm always the bubbly big sister (although every one of them is older than me) and I listen for hours....they know something is wrong with me but they're like...just get better already....so, instead of having to explain why i'm not getting better or trying to make new ish up on why ive been in the bed for 2 weeks, i just pull back. easier on everyone involved.
Monday, September 20, 2010
It was at that point that I figured she wasn't going to listen to me and that she was probably going to tell the doctor whatever so they can move on to the next person. Then she goes...Do you have insurance? I say no.. Well, you have to pay for these services. They are not free. I *blank stare* at her for a moment in disbelief that she's talking to me like that. Then she goes, "Do you have money?" My mouth dropped...Yes. Well, go downstairs and pay and then bring your receipt. I felt that I was on an assembly line and all that they care about is clearing me off the schedule and getting my little fear so I'm not freeloading on services.
So...I walked out and didn't come back. I probably won't. That's bullshit.
Then....I come home and get a message on FB from The Nigerian:
"I apologize for the way things are going between us, it is not that it is my wish."
Firstly, he doesn't understand that things are not "going" any way between us....I'm gone. I'm flip-flopping between responding and not...leaning towards not...
I really need to find a job. I need to grind out as much as I can. I need money and benefits.
there's some other stuff going on...will post tomorrow.
Friday, September 17, 2010
I'm angry that I'm broke.
I'm angry that people have to be so much more than they are to feel like somebody. I've gone to 2 fashion shows this week...one with a friend for support and 1 because I signed a contract to do the makeup. On both occasions, there were at least 2 people doing too much to the point, if I had the inclination, I would've found a way to commit serious bodily harm unto them...just to make them stop.
I was forced to put blue lips on 2 girls. Why? Because the stylist thought it was hot and edgy but they looked stupid and I have to stand by that.
I'm angry with The Nigerian.
I am angry with myself that I knew the warning signs and it took date rape and horrible mistreatment to get me to leave.
I'm angry with my mom for not caring enough about me. I'm not even surprised when she's not there for me when I need her.
I'm angry with Afroman for breaking my heart. I looked him up on FB and his kid looks just like him, even in his little baby face. Him and his happy family that don't include me.
I just want a better version of my life where y'know, my body is revolting against itself...I have a job and am not fighting for every dollar I make and possibly a boyfriend who is just a regular dude but solid. Simple shit.
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Thursday, September 16, 2010
I got my period today. There's no burning during urination but my body temperature is really hot. My hands and feet are on fire. Small ache in the pit of my stomach. Still can't walk fast or far. I went to the city today to get some sample foundations for the fashion show tomorrow. I got denied from the important places and Sephora was being cheap with the samples so, I just said eff it.
I still have no appetite and everything I do eat comes out like bowel soup. Monday. Doctor for sure.
Every time someone mentions God, I want to cry. Its the strangest thing.
Oh yea...we had a tornado today in Brooklyn.
On my side, it was more like heavy rain, wind, thunder and lightning...I slept through half of it...oops! Lol
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Wednesday, September 15, 2010
but now, there is blood in my urine and it burns when i pee.
why lawd, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???
its probably a uti or a yeast infection. as long as its not an std....i'm cool.
also, i haven't been eating really. i ate chipotle, 2 small tacos and almost finished it all. that was the only thing i had to eat all day. today, i bought a sandwich. 2 bites and i was done. i don't know what to do on that front.
also my body is still sore from all the activity that's apart of my daily life. when i get done doing what i have to do, i'm exhausted and it's only like 12pm. my life is busy....i need my stamina.
but, jeez...if its not one thing its another.
i just want to ball up in a lil corner and cry.
i'm also done with carter. he basically has not initiated contact with me since our date. even in my lil sad state, i texted him on saturday because his grandma died and they had her funeral on that day. thoughtful, right? right. has he texted, tweeted, facebook'd or anything me to check up on me? no. he just wants to fuck. i'm done being that girl. besides, right now, clearly...i'm off sex.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I've been drinking crazy amounts of water all day and my pee is now clear. Yay!
You guys just have to understand,,,my dad and uncle died from kidney failure. My sister lives with the disease...my other sister is constantly watched for signs of it. It sometimes feels like an inevitability. Like the Grimm Reaper sliding his sickle at your door.
And...I have extra worry because...I'm single. The last few posts show that only BFF is really reliable (and Twin if I called him.) I don't have health insurance. There are many odds stacked against me...so...I just want to catch anything early so that I have time to nip it in the bud. I just have that image in my head of being in a hospital bed on a gray day...all alone.
On a lighter note, I've been watching a lot of episodes of House and there was this episode called Black Hole, Season 6. Ep 15. where all the girl's body systems were failing one after the other and she kept hallucinating. They found that she had an Egyptian parasite that came from sperm from her boyfriend's father. She slept with him when her and her bf split up. I said TN gave me a Nigerian parasite and that's why my sides keep hurting...lmao
What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?
I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.
So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.
Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
A Week Later