Closure (Kinda)

Thursday, I bought a new wig and it really changed my attitude. Suddenly, I became a different person and the world looked different.

I went to church yesterday...let me tell you, it was a bit of a fight getting ready to go! I think that was the perfect time for me to go. I was in good spirits. The title of the sermon was, "God, Its Not Fair!" Pastor talked about how our society thinks everything in the world should be fair but fairness is determined by who is in power. What we really want is to be equal. Then he said, God has the power over us. If he treated us fairly, we wouldn't have anything because of our sin, we don't deserve His love and protection but He gives us His grace.The minister sung "Encourage Yourself" - sometimes you're going through and you have to speak to yourself and you'll make it. The service was great and I got to talk to a few people after service. Felt like a lot of it was tailor made for me.

Awesome.

Saturday, we had a shoot for the magazine...lots of stuff happened but I'll get to that later.
One good thing that happened was...I invited this guy, JJ to be one of the props in the shoot. JJ is a producer I met a while ago at a hip hop concert. He was there to network and I was there to flirt. I thought he was cute and in my alpha female way, I pounced on him. He wasn't really receptive to me. I tried BBM'ing him and it really just didnt' work. Anyway, we are doing a music issue and thought it would be great exposure for him and asked him to come out. We were behind schedule and he was there early not doing anything..so, I asked him outside with me and we sat on the swings at this playground. We talked a while about him. He's 38 but I swear, he looks like he's 25. He's really operating in his passion, taking his time. He has no kids...he's single and he's just living his life...he's really nice and I felt like I could be myself with him. I don't feel that way very often with men. We made a plan to meet up this week to hang out..do something low key.

As one of the writers was taking me home, she asked me about The Nigerian bc she saw tweets about him. I told her the whole story...she was like..damn but your tweets were funny though. A blocked number called me and I picked up. Guess what, it was The Nigerian. I was rude (of course) and hung up on him. Sunday night, he called again. I was tired of ignoring his calls, so I picked up. I figured if he were still calling...he had something he wanted and needed to get off of his chest. This fool is gonna say..."Do we have a misunderstanding? You keep ignoring my calls and texts." I told him we don't. I don't want to be with him. He does. He begged. He defended his case. He apologized. He asked if we could do lunch or coffee. I said no. I don't want to see him. He begged. He asked if he could come over to my house. I said no. I don't want to see him. He let that go...thankfully. He talked and talked and he said he didn't know why I hate him. I told him the truth. "I don't hate you." Why don't you want to date me? I made a mistake. I want to get to know you. "I'm not going to say a lot of mean and hurtful things to you because that's not my style. I don't want to date you because you treated me like crap before. Why would I go back to that? You are a selfish person and you don't know what you want. You want everything on your time schedule. You don't listen to me. You don't care about what I want." He persisted...I just want to see you...to talk to you...I told him I would consider it. He had to go. He ould call me later.

I thought about it. When he calls me again..I'll probably say no. I don't want to see him or talk to him about anything. He had this newfound epiphany because I know, deep down, he's lonely but he doesn't understand how his actions contribute to it. I've finally got my footing back and am on a good road. I would still be fighting for something from him...possibly something he can't give me. I'm done. I've let go. I thought about how I felt with JJ...genuinely at ease. He laughs a lot and he makes me laugh..I want that. TN, like most men can sense when you're moving on...I mucked up the thiing with Carter over TN (rightfully so..but still) and I won't repeat it with JJ.

Things are looking up.