Thursday, October 28, 2010

what am i supposed to do?

i generally don't have feelings of despair or inadequacy or anything like that. most days, i putz around doing what i do, mainly feeling overwhelmed because of the many things that are on my plate.

and then i talk to my mother.

mostly, its on accident or out of bare necessity.
like today, my new intern was scheduled to work. i needed an extra computer. i didn't want to just take her computer without asking. boom! bare necessity.

when we're over the phone, she makes me feel bad about how i'm not doing a great job of taking care of my grandmother. today, she hung up on me because i wanted to bring her home and take care of her business next week instead of this week. THIS from someone who can't find time to even visit her! are you fucking kidding me? before that, she asked me about my business..."are you making any money???" - truthfully, no. not enough to support me. "i can't believe you can't find a job...with all your job history and qualifications."

i can't believe i can't find a job either.
and i apply to about 20 per day. granted, i did skip a few days this week. so, tonight, i decided to make up for lost days and apply for as many jobs as possible. the past 3 hours, i've applied for 35 jobs with a desperation that i've never felt before. with tears in my eyes...i looked for a job. my phone was on silent. my eyes glued to monster and craigslist because i NEED a job like i NEED oxygen.

because i NEED to get the fuck out of here!

i feel like she takes pleasure in beating up on me at every single turn. those questions are logical for any mother to ask but maybe...i don't know...i need someone to treat me gently sometimes.honestly, i don't know what to say...does she want me to break down? does she want me to admit i'm making a mess of my life? one day without prodding, without an audience, without anything...i just want her to be like..."you've been through some amazing trials and you haven't killed yourself. good job." - maybe not in those words but something along that sentiment. or maybe something like.. "i support you." something simple. and i want her to mean it.

maybe i ask for too much.
for now, i'd be content with a job that pays more than peanut shells and water and a nice city to relocate to.

4 comments:

Monique said...

**hugs**

First off, your mom may ency the fact that you are pursuing a dream, something she didn't and doesn't want to do. Because you have defined your life by your own terms, she cant handle that. don't stress yourself about it.

as a mother, it is our responsible to only want the best for our children but also nourish their spirits. Your mom isn't nourishing your spirit; giving you the confidence and hope that one day it will all pay off.

My mom wanted nothing more for me than to go to med school but when I opted out, she was furious. Instead I took my job in corporate america and found my niche and I'm not excelling. She was pissed for months but finally said if it keeps that smile on your face, then go for it.

Hang in there Nina. You got this. Channel that negativity like you did the other day with applying jobs. Get something. It will happen.

Charles said...

NO! NO! NO!

You need money. Plain and simple!

You've just been brainwashed like 97% of the population who believe that a job is the only way to make the money (the oxygen of life) everyone has to have to survive in this money driven world.

It's bullshit!

You don't need a job!
You need as many income sources that you can possible create.

A Freaking job is a single income source and if you rely on it solely YOU LOSE! Just look at the unemployment offices in any city in any country. Just in the USA alone, over 400,000 people a WEEK lose their jobs!

My wife and I have 10+ income sources and zero employee jobs and we are continuously evaluating and adding new income sources.

Here is a completely free way for you to add an income source to your life.

The job of getting the necessary work DONE, to earn the income, IS UP TO YOU!

**Go here: http://bit.ly/MYRSHB

Simply follow the directions to earn money....that is what you need isn't it?

**Go here: http://bit.ly/MYRSHB

We have more free income sources for you if you can follow the simple directions with this one.

**Go here: http://bit.ly/MYRSHB

Chuck & Addie S.
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Jaded said...

Nina, def hang in there. The job market is SHIT but you have to remain positive and believe that you will find something (because you will).

Have you tried a headhunter? Seriously, those are the only jobs that call me back. Check out some of the temp agencies.

About your mother. Sometimes you have to let people who are not uplifting you. I know thats like sacrilegious to say because family is everything...but you have to surround yourself with people who support you when it feels like you cant support yourself.

wynsters the tigress said...

i support you.