last night, i went on an outing with RastaMan. RM and I were very close in high school, bonding over poetry cyphers. I liked him so much..I wanted him to be with me so bad....it just never happened. we graduated. i went to school in ct. he went to brooklyn college. we talked and still...i wanted something to happen. then, he met this girl. had a baby. they moved in together and now they're going to have another baby together.
still, i'd been carrying something for him. and apparently, he for me. i always considered him to be the one that got away. we wound up at dinner last night after months of him asking me when we could get together to talk. RM and I have always had these amazingly profound intense talks about God, love, politics, hair, passion, purpose...
and we talked. he calls the woman he lives with, his wife because he's committed to her. he talked about his son and the excitement of his soon to be born daughter...we talked about love. passion (as far as careers)...i talked about my uncertainty, he talked about what he sees as an educator in the nyc school system (it sucks) we ate and then we walked...he kept saying that my energy is the same as it was in high school...never innocent and then he'd look at me auspiciously. then it came out.
me: i loved you so much in high school but you didn't want me,
rm: its not that i didn't want you. i was confused. i didn't know what i wanted. it was obvious you wanted a relationship. i wasn't ready.
rm: tell me that's not what you wanted.
me: ok, it was...but you could have told me.
rm: i was stupid. here was this woman who i could talk to about anything..who was so funny, ambitious, smart and beautiful right in front of me and i chose to walk away from that because i was afraid.
me: wow. thank you. but you found that again in college. the woman who is your wife, right?
rm: i wouldn't say that.
me: well, it doesn't matter what we had anymore. because its too late.
rm: its never too late...you never know what the future holds...we may reunite in that way when we're old..but i get why you say that.
me: because you're married.
rm: because i'm married.
we walked back to the car and sat inside talked about this non-profit he wants to start and more things about how disheartening the education system is...when we heard some call out "Rasta Man" (his first and last name)...it was another old friend from high school...one of RM's best friends. We all used to do poetry together. Let's call him HL. HL kept looking at me like....why are you guys together...I felt like a tramp for admittedly going to dinner and then sitting in a car with this married man. I'm always that girl that guy friends who have girlfriends and my girl friends' boyfriends are always invisible to me...we have no friendship anymore...we have no interaction because it causes trouble in the end. so, you must know..i felt like a scoundrel...we parted ways. rm drove me home. we started talking about religion. as we pulled up in front of my house, rm accidentally grazed my knee as he was maneuvering the clutch...it was nothing but his touch felt like fire in my veins. i said i had to go...i took some pictures of him and hugged him. as i was about to leave. he says...i can't help but think about your cocoon (i told him a poem about how i wanted to slip into some guys bed...a warm cocoon)..i faux-slapped him and walked away from him not really sure of what to say...truthfully...i wanted him to come inside that cocoon too....
this life we lead is so fragile and 1 person can ruin the whole thing for you. i don't want to be the reason by which chaos is introduced into his world. there are children involved and he made a promise to this woman. who am i to interject myself into that?
i felt things that i haven't felt for someone in such a long time...i wanted to bottle it up and wear it as a fragrance...
and so, i went home to sleep uncomfortably understanding the whole other woman thing a little bit more but proud of myself for having self-control, remembering a bit of our conversation from earlier when i told him...everything in our lives after a certain point is dictated by the choices we make.
a friend tweeted me when I got home:
"OMG, I saw you today but u were on a date, so i didn't want to interrupt...u were like reallllllllly into each other. It was so sweet. You were just glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Ugh...beautiful! It was good to see you so happy!"
I was happy but it was not real...a beautiful mirage that disappears as soon as you blink your eyes.
i bbm'ed jj to see if we were still on to lay up this weekend. he said no. i felt desperate disappointment right down to my toes. i feel like i need the type of release that comes from being held and having sex...laughing with a man...giving the guard that's on call 24-7 around my heart and mind the night off.
the one thing i miss about being in a relationship is the freedom to be soft.