one foot in front of the other

i've been rebuilding what i've torn down...piece by piece. life is resembling normalcy with the constant phone calls...nonstop emails...work work work. i can tell i'm getting better mentally because i've been cleaning. my living room is clean..my bedroom is almost all the way clean...my kitchen is clean...i just need to do my dining room and bathroom. when i'm depressed, my space shows it. my space has been borderline disgusting.

i was so excited to go out tonight. i planned my outft in my head all day..changed my makeup twice... first saturdays at brooklyn museum.

first, wynsters and i were supposed to go...she had to go to her boyfriend's father's birthday party. duty calls. i called bff. she has homework to do. bff will be using school as an excuse for everything she doesnt want to do from now until winter break...i'm sure. editor said she would go. she picked up her boyfriend's 4 year old daughter (for what reason, i do not know) and her boyfriend didn't get off of work in time for her to come out. twin had to work. determined not to let (what usually happens when i ask my friends to go out) deter me...i decided to go alone. i usually go out alone anyway...i get to the museum and i run into 2 girls i know from this fashion show i did makeup for and another girl named nina too. i decided to hang with them. big mistake. some women..you just can't be friends with. nina2 was looked for a man. every single man that passed us, she would critique...too corny, did you see how he was dancing?, too old, too young, too wack, no swagger...they were playing some JAMS...no one was dancing but me...i left to get me some wine because they were making me sulk and not enjoy what was going on. when i came back, they disappeared. i ran into one of them...nina2 was staying. she had her eye on a guy with a beautiful back in an orange shirt. i asked her why she wasn't even attempting to look like she was having fun. she wasn't there to have fun. she was there to get a man. wow...ok. her desperation was like a perfume and it really truly was suffocating me. i encouraged her to say something to orange..she did and when i went to throw my wine cup away, she left with him without so much as a goodbye. i guess...mission accomplished.

still undeterred, i was on the dance floor alone....shaking it to salt'n'pepa's "push it"...that's lowkey one of my favorite songs...so i pushed it, i 2-stepped to earth wind and fire's "september" and i jumped up while clapping to michael jackson's mama say mama sah mama coosahh or whatever he says....then at 10pm, abruptly...brooklyn museum shut the party down. it usually goes til 11. everyone was dumb-founded and it took 25 minutes to walk down 3 flights of stairs to leave. i ran into my beloved archer...flirted with him, hugged him up and he made me laugh which was great. after, i had nowhere to go and nothing to do but i wasn't done..

i waited for the train that takes me home...as i was waiting, on the other side, the train that goes to manhattan was coming...i ran and caught it and went to this restaurant this guy i've been bbm'ing is a partner in. it also happens to be the restaurant where me and the nigerian were together last. the restaurant where he left me without saying goodbye...fucker.

i walked in and ran into this dude o who produces nigerian movies and clearly wants something to pop off between us. he offered to buy me a drink and i sat down wanting to talk to bbm dude. bbm dude was busy making sure the patrons felt okay and i was feeling more and more uncomfortable as i remembered that night, watched o watching me and so i just left. i wandered around the streets of fort greene in a mini skirt as the brisk night wrapped around my legs...there were bars i peeked into but just didn't feel like having hungry eyes on me. i walked to this cigar bar, talked to the owner about doing a photo shoot there which he said yes to...got on the train, in a cab and went home.

tonight was a bust.
i need new friends...girls like me who are fun to hang out with, will get dressed up, wear makeup, wear heels and just smile and laugh. where do i find such people? its really getting old to go everywhere alone...praying i find someone to be my friend for the night. i'm trying not to be sad....tonight was supposed to be awesome but it just ended up being anticlimatic...and a waste of $30 in cabs. but no, seriously...where do i find new friends?