Saturday, November 30, 2013

Sak Pase

Tonight I had my first date from OkCupid. It was with an older guy. His name is Claude. He's Haitian, 39 years old He'll be 40 on Dec 21st...less than a month away. He works in web development and dreams of settling down in the next 5 years in the Caribbean.

He's everything I would want in a man that I can see so far....he's chivalrous, funny, smart (although the grammar is lacking with your vs you're) and he has enough money where he's comfortable....

why is that of note?

because for the past 10 years, I've been dating actors, musicians and
it's nice to be taken care of and not worry.

we ate at a Haitian restaurant Wynsters put me on to. they had a live band. we ate and yelled at each other over the music. after we ate, I sat next to him in the booth and we cuddled.

ok....he's a big guy. I generally like big guys. being a big girl, they make me feel small. I asked him about change.

so far, with the vegan diet, I've lost about 15lbs. I plan on losing about 50- 80 more lbs. by this time next year. which would put me somewhere between a size 6-8. i'm a size 16 now. basically, i'm going to be half my size and I wanted to know if he would be comfortable with me changing. I know you can be attracted to one thing and as that changes...the intial thing youre attracted to changes and you're left he said he doesn't like extremes...he likes curvy girls with meat on their bones but not too big where they can't get out of bed. he has been known to like smaller women but not too skinny where if he hugs them they will break.

 as I was sitting there I was thinking about Dragon and how I love his body. He naturally is slim with 6-pack abs. I was thinking about the rest of my life. I could make Claude fall in love with me. By this time, I know what to say and how to act. I also know he wants to get married again and possibly have another child.

Looking at him, I know if I play my cards right, I will be able to get what I want from him, get married and be comfortable and he would be happy and faithful to me.

but, i'm going to be hot and what if the sex with him is whack? will I be happy?i could get a hot dude with a banging body but will that dude treat me right?

am I settling?

also, there is a chance (a slight one) that I could just sit down and be this size for the rest of my life..this is just me overthinking...let me just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is....

as we left the restaurant, he wanted to get a cab because he didn't want to wait on the train. it was so cold outside. as we were walking looking for a cab, we flagged one down. he was like..i'm on my way to get a $50 fare.

claude was like....I got $50, that's taking us to where we need to go.
get in nina.

so, we get in and the driver is like...yo, I told my man kirk I was on my way.
claude said, fuck kirk.

I laughed. damn, you so Brooklyn.
all day baby...he said

so, we're driving to my house and kirk calls and the cab driver says he's on his way to the bridge...he's in the middle of Brooklyn and he's going deeper in to drop claude off.

I said, this is why you don't trust black people when you call them and ask them where they are.

everyone laughed.

claude had his hands on my thigh and he pulls me close and we make out.
pink's "sober" was playing in the background and I remember twin told me that whatever song is playing when you first kiss is your song.

funny funny.

anyway...he just texted me, "I like you."

I told him he was corny.

i'm so good at this love stuff

unrelated...this song makes me wants to hump someone's son

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

insomnia and online dating.

I've been battling the most gnarly insomnia. night after night, I struggle with the thought of taking some sleep-inducing drug or actually trying to go at it the natural way.
on my days off, I do it naturally and I don't get some zzz's until about 5am when I've tossed and turned the pounds off. maybe my brain knows something I don't. there's definitely work that I could be doing - some writing or tweeting or something I could be getting done.

alas, i'm sleepless in Brooklyn.

maybe, I'll change the name of this blog to that....

anyway......i'm trying my hand at the online dating pool again.


because pof is a cesspool of douche.

okc has been ok so far. I've been talking to 3 dudes. 1 of whom is a residual from pof. 2 of which are whack. their communication whack. and I don't have it in me to make up stimulating conversation so I just do the fade out. perpetual small talk son...ugh!

lack of stimulating conversation means to me that you just want to bang and my booty buddy is knocking the spiderwebs out quite nicely.

speaking of which, I masturbated to the thought of being with him last night. I've never done that with a partner before. (that was too much, wasn't it?)

i'm also getting into this phase where I give no fucks what people think. maybe because people around me give no fucks what I think...good and bad.
so fuck it.

this is moi!

the 3rd is a gem I think. he will be 40 on his birthday next month. whoa.
I know.
and has expressed that he wants a wife.

which freaks me out because my credit is shitty and I never thought someone would really actually want to wife me and live with me and have to see my gorgeous face everyday.

maybe because the mothalovas I've been meeting lately can't even commit to a damn date much more than a lifetime of spooning every night with me.

so...i'm a little afraid and skeptical....because if he just wants to bone, that position is filled.

anyway, i'm supposed to have a date with him on black Friday. which is good and bad. good because he wants to meet me within less than a week of actually talking to each other. bad because it's black Friday and I work in retail and I fucking hate people. and that day is going to be hell but maybe having a date will give me something to look forward to....either way...i'll let you know how it goes.

and we'll see if he survives the date to give him a codename.

Saturday, November 23, 2013


I just burst into tears listening to some random classical music because it was beautiful and I want something huge and beautiful to happen to me.

I've had such a rough week.
Starting last Saturday, I came down with a cold. I kicked the cold on Tuesday. On Monday, I decided I wasn't vegan anymore. I had some macaroni and cheese on Wednesday. It is Saturday and my stomach just stopped hurting. It felt like I had food poisoning. I started my period yesterday. So I basically went from one level of hell to the next.

I work really hard. I don't know how else to work.
But, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. I still am not making enough money to mean bill collectors no longer call me. I'm so frustrated. I don't really know what to do.

I'm just tired and stressed and sick of being tired and stressed and frustrated all the time.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Best I Ever Had

(see previous post for some bullshit men dealings)
(This is a post where I talk about a night of sex explicitly. NSFW)

I'd been texting this guy for a couple of days. We met online and he'd made it apparent that he didn't want a relationship of any kind. He just wanted to hang out with a cool chick. Since I'm dating a few guys and I thought Corey and I were on the up and up, I thought...why not? Sometimes, you need someone to fill your time and inbox.

After the whole Corey debacle, I thought, why not give Dragon a try. (You'll see why his name is Dragon in a second) They say the best way to get over 1 man is to get under another and boy they were right!

I took a cab to Puff's house and he met me outside to pay for it. Opening my door, I didn't really know what to expect. I'm awkward...most of the time, but he was cool as a cucumber. Once inside, he got me some red wine and we watched football which I groaned about for a minute.

He turned off the sound (lol) and we sat face to face on his bed Indian-style and we talked. It turns out we both traveled to some of the same places: Vegas, London, Paris, Amsterdam....and we swapped stories. His skin is amazing. It's smooth and shiny and I just liked looking at him.

He got me another glass of wine which I watched him pour (no roofies, lol) and he joked about wanting to jump me. I asked why not? and he I turned to look at the TV. When I turned around to him, he kissed me this wet, sloppy kiss.

and it was on!
he turned on some music. this song was first and it actually became the pre-cursor for the night.

He laid me on my on back (ever so gently - Biggie reference) on the bed and took off my bra with one hand (talented fella) and proceeded to kiss up and down my body.  After, he went back and sucked and nibbled on my breasts. I'm a bit nervous about my eczema and dry skin but he was awesome, saying he suffers from eczema too and he understood. He bit and nibbled on my belly
and made his way down to my kitty. He licked and sucked on her until she purred. I was shaking like a leaf when he held me briefly and then stood up, taking off his pants.

I did my part, sucking and licking on him until he pulled away, not wanting to end the encounter too soon. He put on a condom and laid on top of me, entering me slowly, I moaned and he growled.

He is big. 
I don't get much sex so I'm tight but it felt so good.
He was gentle and so aware of whether or not he was hurting me.
He is one of the few lovers I've had that was so in tune with my body. Each thrust of his, I met with my own and usually, I kegel during sex because my muscles get relaxed and I stop feeling the guy. This time, my body was kegeling on its own out of pleasure.

He said it felt like a fist was clenching him. (in a good way)
He came in the right amount of time. not too fast and not too slow...pounding away until I was ready to tap out. He got a hot cloth and washed my kitty.
He began massaging my body and telling me how beautiful it is...he spooned me and we just talked, He told me about his daughter, his mom's passing and how he was in a car accident and was technically dead for about 30 minutes.

Round 2.
I called him the Dragon..Puff, the Magic Dragon.
It was abruptly cut short because I got a little dry but he fixed it by starting up my engines again. His tongue is a lethal weapon. I came so hard and then he wrapped up and entered me again.

Round 3.
*Fireworks and birds singing.*
Afterwards, he washed me again. Idk why he does this but I let him and he likes it. *shrug*
I that a thing?
He told me he was done. I'd worn him out. He'd been looking for a girl like me...someone who was cool and he was sexually compatible with - that  he could hang with both in the sack and outside. We lay spooning, watching Law and Order and I don't know..something in me wasn't done yet.

Enter Round 4.
He wasn't as done as he thought he was. *evil giggle*
Each time was amazing.

I'm surprised I could walk. It was 5 hours of bliss. I took a cab home and took the most wonderful hot shower and fell asleep.
I can't wait to see him again.

Men are Confounding

I'd been seeing Corey since September off and on. Our relationship was casual. When we were lonely, we'd hang and it was all good. Friday night, we got some food and hung out, talked and we sort of fooled around a bit. After, we talked some more and he told me that he was developing feelings for me and that he wanted to explore them a bit more.

I was elated. I, too, had secretly been developing feelings for him and could see myself really dating him. Corey is funny, smart, driven and is overall, a sweet guy. He didn't want to just hang anymore. He asked me out on a formal date. Score!

He dropped me off home and I started trying on outfits for our date on Saturday until  I realized I left my phone in his car. Boo!

I emailed him. It was late. He ended up bringing it to me at work. When I looked up and saw his face, my heart leapt. He hugged me from behind and handed me my phone, told me he was double-parked and that he'd see me later.

My client asked me..Who is that?
My boyfriend, I replied. - I know! I know!! Wishful thinking....

Corey texted me at around 7:30 that he was still in Queens. (About 30-45 minutes from where I live in Brooklyn) but that he'd call me later. I was getting off of work at that time and we were scheduled to meet at 10.

Corey is habitually late, so when 10pm rolled around, I still hadn't showered or dressed. I also hadn't heard from him. I sent him a text saying, "Hey. What's up?"

No response.
He called me 3 times back to back at 11pm. Each time I picked up, all I heard was silence.
I called him back twice and the same thing.

I sent him a text asking if something was wrong with his phone because I couldn't hear anything..No response.
Even weirder.

He called me again at 12 and then at 1:30. Same thing.
At this point, I'm he playing games with me?
I turned the ringer off my phone and went to sleep.


Not only was I officially stood up, he was toying with me. If he didn't want to date me, he didn't have to bring it up.

Saturday, I hung out with my Twin. He said that clearly Corey is playing games and I shouldn't even invest anymore time in it. The whole situation is bizarre to say the least. As we're talking, another call from him comes through and the same shit - SILENCE.

He told me the next time he calls, I should go off when I pick, hi, I can't hear you. I'm being too nice.

Maybe he's right.
But...WHY go through all of that? WHY fuck up a good thing? I really don't get it.