feeling feelings

i've been thinking a lot. being snowed in alone can do that to a person. carlos gives me flutters and makes me want to fall in love with him. i think about breaking up with claude every week. why? i feel like something isnt right and i'm not one to ignore those feelings. what if i'm wrong? my birthday is in exactly 1 month. shit.

microwave love

so i made claude dinner for his birthday on the 22nd. i made bacon-covered bbq chicken with roasted potatoes and asparagus. i decorated his dining area with christmas lights, candles and flowers. he even had a freakin gift. that meal was delicious, too. everything was purple- his fave color. even the special drink i made him was purple. i wore a purple top and a tight skirt and thigh high boots that kept falling because my thighs are smaller now. boom!

(yes, claude's real name starts with a j..sneaky...lol)

he was really appreciative and i was tipsy so we went into the bedroom and made the sex for 3 minutes and 49 seconds. lit'rally.

 and carlos is still buzzing around and convincing me of something...what that something is, i have no idea, yet. i guess to not friend zone him. maybe, he's trying to convince me to take my time. i'm a woman of the 00's. i want my shit now. i want my love microwaved so that when it buzzes and i open the door, butterflies and doves fly out at me. so, we're in this weird dance. i'm mildly aware of him.

 his birthday was the 27th. we went to see the secret life of walter mitty. awesome movie. and i just kept staring at his eyelashes. they're like a doll's. ridiculous. and he kept staring at my lips. and then the last hour we were together, we both knew the date (??) was winding down so i kept staring at his mouth.

Fuck RomComs!

So it seems I never talked about this dude I met on POF. He is one of the last dudes I met before I just abandoned ship. I shall call him Carlos. Carlos and I met in late July and have been talking ever since. At the time, he was living in Panama.

I know, weird.

He was working on his PhD, studying abroad in Spain when his funding fell through. He didn't want to come home (to Brooklyn, where I also live - just in case ya didn't know) so he went to live with an aunt in Panama for a year.

Awesome not awesome.

Well, we met and talked and it was cool. He kept saying how he was coming home and being the cynical bitch I am, I was like..yeah, right. But he did!! In September. And I was all like...oh yea, we're totally going to be a couple. We talked every day and we did some "show me yours, i'll show you mine" via Skype and the vibes were vibing. Then.....he came home and it was like...oh shit, he needs a job and a cell phone and a place to live.

Being the macho latin man that he is, he did not ask me to help but I felt weird inviting him out to places and him not having money or being strapped for cash so we didn't hang out.

until October. and it was a cheap date and it was fun.

Same ole G

Claude and I went to the Ginuwine performance at BBKings. He likes live music and when he told me he had bought the tickets (before we met),

I thought it was funny. Who buys tickets to see Ginuwine live? Is this 98?

Anyway, we went even though it was hailing and snowing and raining...typical NY winter.

  He told me the show started at 8. I got off at 7. He then tells me...oohhh the show starts at 7:30 when I was getting off. Grrr... I get there at 7:40 and only missed 1 song. Cool. We had a great time. Ginuwine is washed up...but it was funny watching these chicks go crazy for him like how these little teenaged girls go crazy for Justin Beiber.

Anyway...in the beginning of the show...G said...how many people in relationships we have in the room? I didn't say anything. Claude made noise and then looked at me like...o_o lol...I'm such a jerk.

So, when he asked again I made noise and he looked at me like...you better had....lol. We ate, we drank, I grinded my booty on him and we took the train home. As we were just kicking it on the train, I kept finding myself smiling like an idiot. I think our sexual difficulties are because he wasn't all the way comfy with me. He's coming out of his shell more. I likey.

I told my inner circle about him. I sent pics and everything. So, my friends know. I just hope I don't end up flat on my face.


 You guys seemed to like the music I put up at the end of posts. So, lets see if I can keep that up. lol

the h word

So, Belle posted this comment on the last post:
I had to post a response (i read, but rarely post). I think it's great that you've found someone who is treating you well. I can tell you are ready for real love, and I hope you and Claude will be good to each other

Firstly, thanks for commenting!!!
And yes.....you used a word that had been in my mind for a while that I didn't want to put out in the world.

HOPE.

I have tons of fucking hope.
Hope scares me because it breeds the sense that things are going to get better. It makes you buy expensive Christmas gifts that make you live off of rice and beans (literally) for the rest of the week because you want to make sure that person knows you're not fucking around. youre serious and damn it, if he is too then let's ride this pony together.

for example.

hope scares me because I've had my heart shitted on by so many losers this year, I fear that if I give in to the fact that, yes, Claude is a wonderful human and he digs me and we share shit..if for one instance, I *gasp* call him my boyfriend...the Mayans would be proven right and the world will end this year. birds will fall out the sky. locusts will swarm the white house. end of the world shit.

I can't be responsible. not when Sasha Obama is growing up to be so cute.

im always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
men just stop communicating with me out of thin air for no reason.

i'm still scarred from the whole correy debacle.
I didn't blog this but best I ever had did the same shit

we had plans to bang. earlier in the day, we were laughing via text. all I needed to know was what time to come over. that last text was never answered.
wtf happened?? why did he never respond when just an hour prior we were joking about how good the sex is?
 I will never know!!

and since these 2 men aren't the only ones to have done that to me in my lifetime...I sometimes think..oh shit..what if claude isn't fucking real? why do men do that? do they do that in general or just to me?

and I get scared.

and I just want him to stick around for a little while.

oh...that's how you communicate!

i had a really shitty day today.

just bitches being bitches and I came home and drank half a bottle of pink moscato because i'm a boss.

I called claude. he listened and reasoned with me. he made me feel better about my work situation.

and then we talked about our sexcapade on sunday.

he was....embarrassed.

honestly, the sex wasn't planned on any of our parts. he felt like he was too much in his head, wanting to please me and he ended up...not.

I told him I was worried he would think I was a sluthoe. he laughed and said he knows better.
we gave each other tips on how to get the other off.

we talked for 3 hours. about everything on our minds.
it was nice.

we made plans to have dinner at his place on this sunday. next Saturday, we're going to see Ginuwine. the next sunday is his 40th birthday...(whoa) and he requested I cook for him (yea, good luck to both of us) and then the next Saturday, we're going to see Keith Sweat.

he likes live music.
and 90s heartthrobs...lol.

so, he's my boyfriend. at least for the next month.

crossing my fingers it lasts til valentine's day.

the missing ingredient

sunday morning, I awoke to a good morning text from claude. a smile erupted on my face as I mused out loud how great it would be if we could have made brunch plans for that day.  he told me his son (who is 14) was over there and we could definitely see each other that night. he offered to cook or order me something to eat.

sweet.

I go over to his house which is about 30 minutes from me by bus (he wanted me to take a cab that he'd pay for and I refused) and it's nice. no real furniture in the living room...lol. he wanted to watch football.

it became apparent to him after like 5 minutes of us watching that football wasn't going to fly so we ordered food, sat at his table and talked. claude is old school in that he likes to take care of his woman (I don't mind...too much) but that has been burned by these new age hoes that take advantage. he told me about a woman who went on 6 or 7 dates with him and didn't offer to pay not once.

interesting.

anyway, we cuddled and watched the soul train awards mixed in with music videos on vh1 soul. he has a thing for chrisette michelle and everytime boris kodjoe came on the telly, my panties got wet. I mentioned that I was thinking of letting my hair grow out and cutting it like chrisette's and possibly dying it white.

he said..'that's cool. my girlfriend is going to be storm.'

*record scratch*

I played it cool and was like, hahaha...yea...

in my head I was like GIRLFRIEND!!!

so, we're making out pretty hot and heavy and he's all horny and i'm trying to debate whether or not to go there.

we went there.
and it was small....and wack....

so, now i'm a little disappointed. i'm sure we can work on the sex part. everything else is cool.
we have a date for the 14th.

Sak Pase

Tonight I had my first date from OkCupid. It was with an older guy. His name is Claude. He's Haitian, 39 years old He'll be 40 on Dec 21st...less than a month away. He works in web development and dreams of settling down in the next 5 years in the Caribbean.

He's everything I would want in a man that I can see so far....he's chivalrous, funny, smart (although the grammar is lacking with your vs you're) and he has enough money where he's comfortable....

why is that of note?

because for the past 10 years, I've been dating actors, musicians and vagabonds....lol
it's nice to be taken care of and not worry.

we ate at a Haitian restaurant Wynsters put me on to. they had a live band. we ate and yelled at each other over the music. after we ate, I sat next to him in the booth and we cuddled.

ok....he's a big guy. I generally like big guys. being a big girl, they make me feel small. I asked him about change.

so far, with the vegan diet, I've lost about 15lbs. I plan on losing about 50- 80 more lbs. by this time next year. which would put me somewhere between a size 6-8. i'm a size 16 now. basically, i'm going to be half my size and I wanted to know if he would be comfortable with me changing. I know you can be attracted to one thing and as that changes...the intial thing youre attracted to changes and you're left like...wtf? he said he doesn't like extremes...he likes curvy girls with meat on their bones but not too big where they can't get out of bed. he has been known to like smaller women but not too skinny where if he hugs them they will break.

 as I was sitting there I was thinking about Dragon and how I love his body. He naturally is slim with 6-pack abs. I was thinking about the rest of my life. I could make Claude fall in love with me. By this time, I know what to say and how to act. I also know he wants to get married again and possibly have another child.

Looking at him, I know if I play my cards right, I will be able to get what I want from him, get married and be comfortable and he would be happy and faithful to me.

but, i'm going to be hot and what if the sex with him is whack? will I be happy?i could get a hot dude with a banging body but will that dude treat me right?

am I settling?

also, there is a chance (a slight one) that I could just sit down and be this size for the rest of my life..this is just me overthinking...let me just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is....

as we left the restaurant, he wanted to get a cab because he didn't want to wait on the train. it was so cold outside. as we were walking looking for a cab, we flagged one down. he was like..i'm on my way to get a $50 fare.

claude was like....I got $50, that's nothing...you taking us to where we need to go.
get in nina.

so, we get in and the driver is like...yo, I told my man kirk I was on my way.
claude said, fuck kirk.

I laughed. damn, you so Brooklyn.
all day baby...he said

so, we're driving to my house and kirk calls and the cab driver says he's on his way to the bridge...he's in the middle of Brooklyn and he's going deeper in to drop claude off.

I said, this is why you don't trust black people when you call them and ask them where they are.

everyone laughed.

claude had his hands on my thigh and he pulls me close and we make out.
pink's "sober" was playing in the background and I remember twin told me that whatever song is playing when you first kiss is your song.

funny funny.


anyway...he just texted me, "I like you."

I told him he was corny.

i'm so good at this love stuff

unrelated...this song makes me wants to hump someone's son