Wednesday, August 10, 2011

something to look forward to....

firstly, thank you to new and old commenters for the encouragement in the weight loss department.
i really appreciate your outlook and kind words. its nice to know you're not a freak for thinking the way you do.

i don't have any goals set (yet) and i probably won't set any because i have enough stress re:goals in my life. i don't want tobsess and stuff. i'm going to keep eating more, stay active, try and get more active and let the pounds float least that's the thinking right now, check in with me in a month or so.

secondly, i'm excited because i do have a goal i want to achieve.

i want to go to a spa.

*insert cherubs singing*

i've never gone to a spa or had a massage ever in my life. for a while, i had a problem with people touching me. but now, i'm over it (kinda) and i want a massage. no, i NEED a massage. my legs, shoulders and back are super tight with me standing all day and my little stretching does me no real justice so i'm going to pay a stranger *$187 to knead out those kinks.

of course, i can't just shell out *$187 (oh, i wish) for a massage so, i'm putting money aside and at the end of september, oh yea..i'm getting one. and i'm kicking in an extra $40 for a wax. plus 15% tip, i'm looking at $261. and i'm going to freaking enjoy it.

i still want to travel and do all that stuff but with my job paying me $5 more than unemployment and taxes eating up the majority of my overtime wages..its tough. *le sigh*

but no worries...september 30th, i will be someone kneads my muscles into dough.


*$187 is for a 30 minute massage, facial, foot massage with mani and pedi. BOOM SHAKALAKA.
** i guess its proper blog etiquette to ask what is something you guys are looking forward at it! :)

*****SADE, I tried commenting on your blog but it said I didn't have access to view the page. Hopefully, blogger is buggin***************

Sunday, August 7, 2011

weight watcher

when i got the position as assistant to the lead servant of the dance ministry at my church, the lead servant had a conversation with me about my weight.

she was gentle.

but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.

of course, being a big girl in human weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are're so guessed it...a big girl.

but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.

wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.

part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.

i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.

working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.

if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)

anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.

so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.

i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.

i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.

but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Cake and Eat it Too

Is it possible to want to be in a relationship yet be so incredibly uninterested in telling the new guy the same things I told all the other guys before him?

I feel lonely. I feel like everywhere I turn, there are couples all happy and in love and shit. I've never been that girl with a steady boyfriend. We broke up. Got back together and stuff. Seeing what BFF and 'em had to go through to keep those fools, I was totally uninterested in going through the rigamaro.

But now I'm, can we pretend?

The only person I want to pretend with is DK WHOM btw, I haven't spoken to in a week. I text and got no response so I deleted his number.

All I do now is work. All the dudes I work with are too young..not that I'd even go there anyway. The one dude I did like has a crush on my coworker. That stings.

BFF's baby is breached and has to be turned.
She may go into labor when they turn her which could be some time this or next week.
Her mom took her car to Punjabi's mechanic. He asked BFF to bring it in for some extra work but "asked" her to wear her hair down "not to dress like a bum. "
She said it reminded her of her manipulative, controlling and lots of other things - ex hubby. I told her plainly,
"Girl, run! Waddle, walk...whatever you gotta do...get away from this dude."
She brushed what I said off like I knew she would. Its cool though.