Sunday, August 7, 2011

weight watcher

when i got the position as assistant to the lead servant of the dance ministry at my church, the lead servant had a conversation with me about my weight.

she was gentle.

but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.

of course, being a big girl in human weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are're so guessed it...a big girl.

but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.

wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.

part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.

i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.

working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.

if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)

anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.

so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.

i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.

i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.

but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.


Diddy Bop said...

Interesting. I just started coming to grips with my own issues with losing weight (also afraid of failure, among other things). Glad to see you're making progress. Do you have any long or short term goals regarding your weight loss?

Sade said...

I have been big my entire life, so I wish you the best as you begin to take those steps. I've tried and succeeded/failed at losing weight numerous times and only now are my good habits starting to stick. It becomes easier after a while but it is still a daily struggle-for me anyway.

I also knew I was overweight but also that I was very beautiful and I didn't internalize a whole lot of what people said either. In fact, sometimes I forgot that I was big until other people reminded me. I was active, like you- into makeup and fashion, and had a pretty happy and exciting social life. But sometimes it is good to step outside of yourself an acknowledge things that need to change or that you can improve. Kudos on the baby steps, sometimes that's all the push you need.

K♥E♥N♥Y♥A said...

Wow. I used to be in dance ministry- hard work!!! for real!!! congrats but I can def see the added pressure in it. As far as your weightloss goes- man its tough- i too have been big my whole life or heavier than the norm and I'm now at my heaviest heading toward 300lbs on my short 5'4" frame. Ive never internalized comments from others either - they CAN'T tell me I aint fine! lol so just as Sade said- 'sometimes I forgot that I was big until other people reminded me.' I wish you luck sounds like youre on the right track. sounds good that your feet ankles and knees are feeling better. I sit all day at work but sometimes walking in heels with my wieght puts pressure down there in those areas. I find myself to be big and beatiful but also as Sade said- 'sometimes it is good to step outside of yourself an acknowledge things that need to change or that you can improve'