Sunday, December 29, 2013

hanging out with smart friends.

i haven't really been talking about work stuff because...

and depressing.

but work is really shitting on my sunny disposition.
and i really am not sure what i'm going to do.

so, wynsters was listening to me wax poetic about how i'm fucking just hating my life.
and she said something amazing.

she said.
sometimes, you have to do some shit you don't want to do in order to get to the place where you don't hve to do it anymore.

having smart friends, man.

she gave me a glimmer of hope.

....until i want to slit my wrists next week.

microwave love

so i made claude dinner for his birthday on the 22nd. i made bacon-covered bbq chicken with roasted potatoes and asparagus. i decorated his dining area with christmas lights, candles and flowers. he even had a freakin gift. that meal was delicious, too. everything was purple- his fave color. even the special drink i made him was purple. i wore a purple top and a tight skirt and thigh high boots that kept falling because my thighs are smaller now. boom!
(yes, claude's real name starts with a

he was really appreciative and i was tipsy so we went into the bedroom and made the sex for 3 minutes and 49 seconds. lit'rally.

 and carlos is still buzzing around and convincing me of something...what that something is, i have no idea, yet. i guess to not friend zone him. maybe, he's trying to convince me to take my time. i'm a woman of the 00's. i want my shit now. i want my love microwaved so that when it buzzes and i open the door, butterflies and doves fly out at me. so, we're in this weird dance. i'm mildly aware of him.

 his birthday was the 27th. we went to see the secret life of walter mitty. awesome movie. and i just kept staring at his eyelashes. they're like a doll's. ridiculous. and he kept staring at my lips. and then the last hour we were together, we both knew the date (??) was winding down so i kept staring at his mouth.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Fuck RomComs!

So it seems I never talked about this dude I met on POF. He is one of the last dudes I met before I just abandoned ship. I shall call him Carlos. Carlos and I met in late July and have been talking ever since. At the time, he was living in Panama.

I know, weird.

He was working on his PhD, studying abroad in Spain when his funding fell through. He didn't want to come home (to Brooklyn, where I also live - just in case ya didn't know) so he went to live with an aunt in Panama for a year.

Awesome not awesome.

Well, we met and talked and it was cool. He kept saying how he was coming home and being the cynical bitch I am, I was like..yeah, right. But he did!! In September. And I was all like...oh yea, we're totally going to be a couple. We talked every day and we did some "show me yours, i'll show you mine" via Skype and the vibes were vibing. Then.....he came home and it was like...oh shit, he needs a job and a cell phone and a place to live.

Being the macho latin man that he is, he did not ask me to help but I felt weird inviting him out to places and him not having money or being strapped for cash so we didn't hang out.

until October. and it was a cheap date and it was fun.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Same ole G

Claude and I went to the Ginuwine performance at BBKings. He likes live music and when he told me he had bought the tickets (before we met),

I thought it was funny. Who buys tickets to see Ginuwine live? Is this 98?

Anyway, we went even though it was hailing and snowing and raining...typical NY winter.

  He told me the show started at 8. I got off at 7. He then tells me...oohhh the show starts at 7:30 when I was getting off. Grrr... I get there at 7:40 and only missed 1 song. Cool. We had a great time. Ginuwine is washed up...but it was funny watching these chicks go crazy for him like how these little teenaged girls go crazy for Justin Beiber. the beginning of the show...G many people in relationships we have in the room? I didn't say anything. Claude made noise and then looked at me like...o_o lol...I'm such a jerk.

So, when he asked again I made noise and he looked at me better We ate, we drank, I grinded my booty on him and we took the train home. As we were just kicking it on the train, I kept finding myself smiling like an idiot. I think our sexual difficulties are because he wasn't all the way comfy with me. He's coming out of his shell more. I likey.

I told my inner circle about him. I sent pics and everything. So, my friends know. I just hope I don't end up flat on my face.

 You guys seemed to like the music I put up at the end of posts. So, lets see if I can keep that up. lol

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

what do you want?

all day I've been asking myself this very question. 2013 was mildly successful. I went to Europe like I want. I changed jobs like I wanted. I landed a dude - a couple of dudes that I wanted. what else? i'm angry and pms-y and I've been trying to keep my crazy from the general public. as much as I can seeing as I work with the general public every day... blah so,what do I want to accomplish in 2014? I think I've been reluctant to answer this question for myself because that would require actually doing these things. part of me thinks I have no fight left and i'm just tired swinging my white flag around. when did I become this person? when did I realize that life is effing hard? I had all intentions of working on a vision board and making all these goals for the new year but I came home and ate chocolate chip cookies instead. because i'm a winner. did I tell you guys I lost 18lbs?! as soon as I found that out, i'm like....I want chocolate...NOW. ugh. I gotta keep up the good work because I really would love to be a size 12. like a standard ny and company size 12. I remember being a kid and my mom buying me clothes from there. the last time I was a size 12, I was probably 12. and I always thought I just had baby fat and I would grow out of it and be skinny and wear beautiful clothes from ny and co. crazy thoughts. this ish is work! being away from the gym from 1 week, I couldn't run the mile and a half I worked my way up to these past 2 months...wha???? I was struggling and then ran for 10 minutes, walked for 10 minutes....those 10 minutes were HARD. what have I done? after I came home from the gym, I had 4 chocolate chip cookies and a half a 24oz can of strawberrita. am I depressed? or is it really pms? I don't know. I feel frustrated with my job. I work part time and i'm an adult woman living in expensive nyc. bills are always past due. I owe everyone! twin called me and was you want to drop $300 on jill scott tickets for Nye? once upon a time, i'd be like...yup...see me on Friday. now, i'm clutching my pearls like...THREE HUNDRED AMERICAN DOLLARS? and this sucks I tried to transfer to a higher hour position at another store because...working in Brooklyn is annoying. I work with chicks like me..broke and have no business buying makeup trying to squeeze them for that extra product. that shit is so.....annoying at times. - all the time - I don't have money so I keep my broke ass home. lit'rally. my boss was like...there is a position opening at my store for more hours that I can try out for but I'd have to prove I really want to be there and i'm like... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk. do I? will making more money make me happier or do I just fuckin hate working in Brooklyn? I can't tell. and in the back of my mind, i'm like 2014...I want it to be the year of national trips. I want to go to new Orleans and I should visit my fam in Bermuda and I kind of want to go to the grand canyon. and I want to do this working 23 hours a week? HOW?! and my birthday is coming in February and I want to go to Miami. and my ipod just gave up the ghost today. my blood pressure is sky high. I guess having faith is seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. through all the darkness and snakes and rats and roaches and things that go bump in the night. and my commitment-phobe self is like... do you really want a boyfriend? when I have 50-11 thousand posts on this here blog talking about how lonely my ass is. WHY? because what I wanted didn't come in the package I thought it would and that's talking about the job and the dude. wtf universe!?! you are so funny.... *le sigh* maybe the chocolate cravings is just emotional eating and I have to stop that shit. not cool. I can finally start to see the top of my collarbones and I like it and I don't want them to go away. I keep telling myself to relax. the holidays are always at TEN on the stress meter and that in January, i'd be better. oh yeah, and I've had raging insomnia for the past 6 months (at least) this is all temporary. must remember temporary.

Monday, December 9, 2013

the h word

So, Belle posted this comment on the last post:
I had to post a response (i read, but rarely post). I think it's great that you've found someone who is treating you well. I can tell you are ready for real love, and I hope you and Claude will be good to each other

Firstly, thanks for commenting!!!
And used a word that had been in my mind for a while that I didn't want to put out in the world.


I have tons of fucking hope.
Hope scares me because it breeds the sense that things are going to get better. It makes you buy expensive Christmas gifts that make you live off of rice and beans (literally) for the rest of the week because you want to make sure that person knows you're not fucking around. youre serious and damn it, if he is too then let's ride this pony together.

for example.

hope scares me because I've had my heart shitted on by so many losers this year, I fear that if I give in to the fact that, yes, Claude is a wonderful human and he digs me and we share shit..if for one instance, I *gasp* call him my boyfriend...the Mayans would be proven right and the world will end this year. birds will fall out the sky. locusts will swarm the white house. end of the world shit.

I can't be responsible. not when Sasha Obama is growing up to be so cute.

im always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
men just stop communicating with me out of thin air for no reason.

i'm still scarred from the whole correy debacle.
I didn't blog this but best I ever had did the same shit

we had plans to bang. earlier in the day, we were laughing via text. all I needed to know was what time to come over. that last text was never answered.
wtf happened?? why did he never respond when just an hour prior we were joking about how good the sex is?
 I will never know!!

and since these 2 men aren't the only ones to have done that to me in my lifetime...I sometimes think..oh shit..what if claude isn't fucking real? why do men do that? do they do that in general or just to me?

and I get scared.

and I just want him to stick around for a little while.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

oh...that's how you communicate!

i had a really shitty day today.

just bitches being bitches and I came home and drank half a bottle of pink moscato because i'm a boss.

I called claude. he listened and reasoned with me. he made me feel better about my work situation.

and then we talked about our sexcapade on sunday.

he was....embarrassed.

honestly, the sex wasn't planned on any of our parts. he felt like he was too much in his head, wanting to please me and he ended up...not.

I told him I was worried he would think I was a sluthoe. he laughed and said he knows better.
we gave each other tips on how to get the other off.

we talked for 3 hours. about everything on our minds.
it was nice.

we made plans to have dinner at his place on this sunday. next Saturday, we're going to see Ginuwine. the next sunday is his 40th birthday...(whoa) and he requested I cook for him (yea, good luck to both of us) and then the next Saturday, we're going to see Keith Sweat.

he likes live music.
and 90s

so, he's my boyfriend. at least for the next month.

crossing my fingers it lasts til valentine's day.

Monday, December 2, 2013

the missing ingredient

sunday morning, I awoke to a good morning text from claude. a smile erupted on my face as I mused out loud how great it would be if we could have made brunch plans for that day.  he told me his son (who is 14) was over there and we could definitely see each other that night. he offered to cook or order me something to eat.


I go over to his house which is about 30 minutes from me by bus (he wanted me to take a cab that he'd pay for and I refused) and it's nice. no real furniture in the living he wanted to watch football.

it became apparent to him after like 5 minutes of us watching that football wasn't going to fly so we ordered food, sat at his table and talked. claude is old school in that he likes to take care of his woman (I don't mind...too much) but that has been burned by these new age hoes that take advantage. he told me about a woman who went on 6 or 7 dates with him and didn't offer to pay not once.


anyway, we cuddled and watched the soul train awards mixed in with music videos on vh1 soul. he has a thing for chrisette michelle and everytime boris kodjoe came on the telly, my panties got wet. I mentioned that I was thinking of letting my hair grow out and cutting it like chrisette's and possibly dying it white.

he said..'that's cool. my girlfriend is going to be storm.'

*record scratch*

I played it cool and was like, hahaha...yea...

in my head I was like GIRLFRIEND!!!

so, we're making out pretty hot and heavy and he's all horny and i'm trying to debate whether or not to go there.

we went there.
and it was small....and wack....

so, now i'm a little disappointed. i'm sure we can work on the sex part. everything else is cool.
we have a date for the 14th.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Sak Pase

Tonight I had my first date from OkCupid. It was with an older guy. His name is Claude. He's Haitian, 39 years old He'll be 40 on Dec 21st...less than a month away. He works in web development and dreams of settling down in the next 5 years in the Caribbean.

He's everything I would want in a man that I can see so far....he's chivalrous, funny, smart (although the grammar is lacking with your vs you're) and he has enough money where he's comfortable....

why is that of note?

because for the past 10 years, I've been dating actors, musicians and
it's nice to be taken care of and not worry.

we ate at a Haitian restaurant Wynsters put me on to. they had a live band. we ate and yelled at each other over the music. after we ate, I sat next to him in the booth and we cuddled.

ok....he's a big guy. I generally like big guys. being a big girl, they make me feel small. I asked him about change.

so far, with the vegan diet, I've lost about 15lbs. I plan on losing about 50- 80 more lbs. by this time next year. which would put me somewhere between a size 6-8. i'm a size 16 now. basically, i'm going to be half my size and I wanted to know if he would be comfortable with me changing. I know you can be attracted to one thing and as that changes...the intial thing youre attracted to changes and you're left he said he doesn't like extremes...he likes curvy girls with meat on their bones but not too big where they can't get out of bed. he has been known to like smaller women but not too skinny where if he hugs them they will break.

 as I was sitting there I was thinking about Dragon and how I love his body. He naturally is slim with 6-pack abs. I was thinking about the rest of my life. I could make Claude fall in love with me. By this time, I know what to say and how to act. I also know he wants to get married again and possibly have another child.

Looking at him, I know if I play my cards right, I will be able to get what I want from him, get married and be comfortable and he would be happy and faithful to me.

but, i'm going to be hot and what if the sex with him is whack? will I be happy?i could get a hot dude with a banging body but will that dude treat me right?

am I settling?

also, there is a chance (a slight one) that I could just sit down and be this size for the rest of my life..this is just me overthinking...let me just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is....

as we left the restaurant, he wanted to get a cab because he didn't want to wait on the train. it was so cold outside. as we were walking looking for a cab, we flagged one down. he was like..i'm on my way to get a $50 fare.

claude was like....I got $50, that's taking us to where we need to go.
get in nina.

so, we get in and the driver is like...yo, I told my man kirk I was on my way.
claude said, fuck kirk.

I laughed. damn, you so Brooklyn.
all day baby...he said

so, we're driving to my house and kirk calls and the cab driver says he's on his way to the bridge...he's in the middle of Brooklyn and he's going deeper in to drop claude off.

I said, this is why you don't trust black people when you call them and ask them where they are.

everyone laughed.

claude had his hands on my thigh and he pulls me close and we make out.
pink's "sober" was playing in the background and I remember twin told me that whatever song is playing when you first kiss is your song.

funny funny.

anyway...he just texted me, "I like you."

I told him he was corny.

i'm so good at this love stuff

unrelated...this song makes me wants to hump someone's son

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

insomnia and online dating.

I've been battling the most gnarly insomnia. night after night, I struggle with the thought of taking some sleep-inducing drug or actually trying to go at it the natural way.
on my days off, I do it naturally and I don't get some zzz's until about 5am when I've tossed and turned the pounds off. maybe my brain knows something I don't. there's definitely work that I could be doing - some writing or tweeting or something I could be getting done.

alas, i'm sleepless in Brooklyn.

maybe, I'll change the name of this blog to that....

anyway......i'm trying my hand at the online dating pool again.


because pof is a cesspool of douche.

okc has been ok so far. I've been talking to 3 dudes. 1 of whom is a residual from pof. 2 of which are whack. their communication whack. and I don't have it in me to make up stimulating conversation so I just do the fade out. perpetual small talk son...ugh!

lack of stimulating conversation means to me that you just want to bang and my booty buddy is knocking the spiderwebs out quite nicely.

speaking of which, I masturbated to the thought of being with him last night. I've never done that with a partner before. (that was too much, wasn't it?)

i'm also getting into this phase where I give no fucks what people think. maybe because people around me give no fucks what I think...good and bad.
so fuck it.

this is moi!

the 3rd is a gem I think. he will be 40 on his birthday next month. whoa.
I know.
and has expressed that he wants a wife.

which freaks me out because my credit is shitty and I never thought someone would really actually want to wife me and live with me and have to see my gorgeous face everyday.

maybe because the mothalovas I've been meeting lately can't even commit to a damn date much more than a lifetime of spooning every night with me.

so...i'm a little afraid and skeptical....because if he just wants to bone, that position is filled.

anyway, i'm supposed to have a date with him on black Friday. which is good and bad. good because he wants to meet me within less than a week of actually talking to each other. bad because it's black Friday and I work in retail and I fucking hate people. and that day is going to be hell but maybe having a date will give me something to look forward to....either way...i'll let you know how it goes.

and we'll see if he survives the date to give him a codename.

Saturday, November 23, 2013


I just burst into tears listening to some random classical music because it was beautiful and I want something huge and beautiful to happen to me.

I've had such a rough week.
Starting last Saturday, I came down with a cold. I kicked the cold on Tuesday. On Monday, I decided I wasn't vegan anymore. I had some macaroni and cheese on Wednesday. It is Saturday and my stomach just stopped hurting. It felt like I had food poisoning. I started my period yesterday. So I basically went from one level of hell to the next.

I work really hard. I don't know how else to work.
But, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. I still am not making enough money to mean bill collectors no longer call me. I'm so frustrated. I don't really know what to do.

I'm just tired and stressed and sick of being tired and stressed and frustrated all the time.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Best I Ever Had

(see previous post for some bullshit men dealings)
(This is a post where I talk about a night of sex explicitly. NSFW)

I'd been texting this guy for a couple of days. We met online and he'd made it apparent that he didn't want a relationship of any kind. He just wanted to hang out with a cool chick. Since I'm dating a few guys and I thought Corey and I were on the up and up, I thought...why not? Sometimes, you need someone to fill your time and inbox.

After the whole Corey debacle, I thought, why not give Dragon a try. (You'll see why his name is Dragon in a second) They say the best way to get over 1 man is to get under another and boy they were right!

I took a cab to Puff's house and he met me outside to pay for it. Opening my door, I didn't really know what to expect. I'm awkward...most of the time, but he was cool as a cucumber. Once inside, he got me some red wine and we watched football which I groaned about for a minute.

He turned off the sound (lol) and we sat face to face on his bed Indian-style and we talked. It turns out we both traveled to some of the same places: Vegas, London, Paris, Amsterdam....and we swapped stories. His skin is amazing. It's smooth and shiny and I just liked looking at him.

He got me another glass of wine which I watched him pour (no roofies, lol) and he joked about wanting to jump me. I asked why not? and he I turned to look at the TV. When I turned around to him, he kissed me this wet, sloppy kiss.

and it was on!
he turned on some music. this song was first and it actually became the pre-cursor for the night.

He laid me on my on back (ever so gently - Biggie reference) on the bed and took off my bra with one hand (talented fella) and proceeded to kiss up and down my body.  After, he went back and sucked and nibbled on my breasts. I'm a bit nervous about my eczema and dry skin but he was awesome, saying he suffers from eczema too and he understood. He bit and nibbled on my belly
and made his way down to my kitty. He licked and sucked on her until she purred. I was shaking like a leaf when he held me briefly and then stood up, taking off his pants.

I did my part, sucking and licking on him until he pulled away, not wanting to end the encounter too soon. He put on a condom and laid on top of me, entering me slowly, I moaned and he growled.

He is big. 
I don't get much sex so I'm tight but it felt so good.
He was gentle and so aware of whether or not he was hurting me.
He is one of the few lovers I've had that was so in tune with my body. Each thrust of his, I met with my own and usually, I kegel during sex because my muscles get relaxed and I stop feeling the guy. This time, my body was kegeling on its own out of pleasure.

He said it felt like a fist was clenching him. (in a good way)
He came in the right amount of time. not too fast and not too slow...pounding away until I was ready to tap out. He got a hot cloth and washed my kitty.
He began massaging my body and telling me how beautiful it is...he spooned me and we just talked, He told me about his daughter, his mom's passing and how he was in a car accident and was technically dead for about 30 minutes.

Round 2.
I called him the Dragon..Puff, the Magic Dragon.
It was abruptly cut short because I got a little dry but he fixed it by starting up my engines again. His tongue is a lethal weapon. I came so hard and then he wrapped up and entered me again.

Round 3.
*Fireworks and birds singing.*
Afterwards, he washed me again. Idk why he does this but I let him and he likes it. *shrug*
I that a thing?
He told me he was done. I'd worn him out. He'd been looking for a girl like me...someone who was cool and he was sexually compatible with - that  he could hang with both in the sack and outside. We lay spooning, watching Law and Order and I don't know..something in me wasn't done yet.

Enter Round 4.
He wasn't as done as he thought he was. *evil giggle*
Each time was amazing.

I'm surprised I could walk. It was 5 hours of bliss. I took a cab home and took the most wonderful hot shower and fell asleep.
I can't wait to see him again.

Men are Confounding

I'd been seeing Corey since September off and on. Our relationship was casual. When we were lonely, we'd hang and it was all good. Friday night, we got some food and hung out, talked and we sort of fooled around a bit. After, we talked some more and he told me that he was developing feelings for me and that he wanted to explore them a bit more.

I was elated. I, too, had secretly been developing feelings for him and could see myself really dating him. Corey is funny, smart, driven and is overall, a sweet guy. He didn't want to just hang anymore. He asked me out on a formal date. Score!

He dropped me off home and I started trying on outfits for our date on Saturday until  I realized I left my phone in his car. Boo!

I emailed him. It was late. He ended up bringing it to me at work. When I looked up and saw his face, my heart leapt. He hugged me from behind and handed me my phone, told me he was double-parked and that he'd see me later.

My client asked me..Who is that?
My boyfriend, I replied. - I know! I know!! Wishful thinking....

Corey texted me at around 7:30 that he was still in Queens. (About 30-45 minutes from where I live in Brooklyn) but that he'd call me later. I was getting off of work at that time and we were scheduled to meet at 10.

Corey is habitually late, so when 10pm rolled around, I still hadn't showered or dressed. I also hadn't heard from him. I sent him a text saying, "Hey. What's up?"

No response.
He called me 3 times back to back at 11pm. Each time I picked up, all I heard was silence.
I called him back twice and the same thing.

I sent him a text asking if something was wrong with his phone because I couldn't hear anything..No response.
Even weirder.

He called me again at 12 and then at 1:30. Same thing.
At this point, I'm he playing games with me?
I turned the ringer off my phone and went to sleep.


Not only was I officially stood up, he was toying with me. If he didn't want to date me, he didn't have to bring it up.

Saturday, I hung out with my Twin. He said that clearly Corey is playing games and I shouldn't even invest anymore time in it. The whole situation is bizarre to say the least. As we're talking, another call from him comes through and the same shit - SILENCE.

He told me the next time he calls, I should go off when I pick, hi, I can't hear you. I'm being too nice.

Maybe he's right.
But...WHY go through all of that? WHY fuck up a good thing? I really don't get it.

Monday, September 23, 2013

feet on the ground

i'm vegan.
not sure if i mentioned this before but my eczema has gotten out of control. rather than go on steroids which caused a lot of the problem, i've turned my diet upside down.

no meat, dairy, corn and corn products, and gluten/wheat-free when i can.

the first 2 weeks, i felt like my feet were stuck in quicksand. now, i feel really good. i don't think i want to go back to a regular diet again. in addition to being vegan, i've been slathering blackseed oil and shea butter on my skin like nobody's business. i've lost some weight. my skin which was heavily discolored is now starting to lighten up.

there is a light spot on my face. i'm trying not freak out about it. it could be vitiligo. vitiligo is connected to people that have eczema...i really don't want to add another thing to the battle but...i'm putting blackseed oil on that too...ugh!

lady k sent me an email asking me about the frenchman.
in april, i asked was it real or game? GAME.
a little after our 2nd date, we were supposed to meet up for lunch while we were both at work.

firstly...we live in nyc. who asks someone to help them move from philly to nj out of the blue.
secondly, why didnt he call or text me to tell me that. i was calling HIM about 30 minutes before we were to meet up.

he says, i'll make it up to you. i'm going to be tired but i'll be taking the train into penn station (down the block from my job) about the same time you're leaving from work. maybe i'll be 30mins or an hour late if you want to wait for me.

sounds reasonable.

i wait 30 minutes before i'm to leave because i'm NOT waiting for someone who's communication track record is not so hot. no answer.

i called this dude like 3 or 4 times.

that was saturday. he calls me monday.
he has the nerve to ask me "why haven't i heard from you?"

are you fucking serious dude???
he claims he came in from nj at 2am. sunday is his day of rest and he doesn't speak to anyone on sundays and here we are monday. but i could've called him on sunday.

it took everything in me not to curse his ass out.
i calmly explained that when you stand someone up..they're not that eager to try and reach out to you. you did wrong. you apologize. he then sees it my way.

he wants to make a plan to see me again. i'm non-committal.
i call him and text him just to see if i'm holding a grudge. this time. he goes RADIO SILENT.
no calls, no texts.

yo....3 WEEKS GO BY.
he hits me up like we've been chopping it up every fuckin day.
him:"why haven't i heard from you?"
me: i could ask you the same thing
him: i was on business in alabama and in other middle-america states.

i laugh. hard.

him: i noticed you stopped calling me and texting me so i was seeing what was up. i'm back home. i want to see you.

i don't say a word. i just hang up on him.

and that is that.
soooo many things i wanted to say/could've said...i just let it go. it was SO not worth it.
this is why he's 34, has a great job, great apartment, no kids, knows a lot about various topics but is SINGLE. he's crazypants.

ain't nobody got time for that.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


i havent felt like myself for a long time.

i feel like my old job has beat something out of me - the hustle, i suppose.

i feel like i'm floating and the world is the sea around me just letting me be weightless but at a cost.

my bills are backed up. my apartment is a mess...and i feel like i don't know what to do, although i do have a lot on my to do list. when i try to do it, i feel like it is the act of picking up 1 brick to make a wall.

the stress and weight of being directionless keeps me up at night.

is this depression?

Never a Mistake. Always a Lesson

Lessons learned tonight:
1.Stop being so damn lonely.
2. Stop being so damn naive.
I'm currently on the local train from Harlem to Brooklyn which sucks so much. I don't know what time I will get home or if I will get home (so dramatic!)
I only have myself to blame.
G and I went on a date in June. At the end of the date, he didn't want the night to end. I, who'd just danced for 2 hours in 4 inch heels, was enthusiastic but weary. We walked around as he searched his heart and mind for what it wanted  to do.
As we waited for my train, he decided he wanted IHoP and some bed hopping and I just wasn't down. Man, he begged. It wasn't cute until he realized I just wouldn't budge.
Sporadic attempts at a 2nd date were made. If you call his asking me to spend days at his house attempts at a 2nd date. :/
Yes...he's asked me on 3 separate occasions to spend several days at his house with him.
Today, his approach was different. Lets make it a Blockbuster night. I laughed. Ok.
I showered and put on a cute quirky outfit and headed to Harlem.
He directed me to his apartment via phone.
Him: Tell me you missed me
Me: No. I didn't. Did you miss me?
Him: Yeah....why you think I've been blowin up your phone?
Me: Why aren't you a gentleman meeting me downstairs?
Him: You didn't ask me to.
Me: I have to ask you to be a gentleman?
He met me at the door with a hug that groped my butt and a kiss that he wanted to last longer but I pulled away.
He was dresses terribly. An old T-shirt that maybe had holes in it and a loose old pair of sweats that did not flatter him at all.
I'd told him earlier that I'm on a vegan diet. He offers me a burger. I decline. He says we could go to the corner store and get me something.
I just ask for water. He tries to push alcohol on me.
I'm annoyed.
I've plated hostess plenty of times. Ive made sure to have something for my guests.
His place was a mess. He looked a mess. You see where I'm going.
What are we watching?
Pick something on Netflix
Ugh. I have Netflix at home. Finding something on there sometimes is a challenge.
As I'm picking,I have to stand in the middle of his room and scroll. He comes up behind me and tries to make me bend over.
When I wouldn't...he rubs himself against me.
Yesterday, I told him I had my period. I have no idea wtf he was thinking.
We sit down and watch a movie. An old coworker calls me all upset. I answer and he starts trying to take my shorts off.
*side eye*
I get off the phone.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Lets just watch the movie.
We watch. He puts his arm around me.
Its nice until he starts rubbing my breast. I move.
He licks and bites my neck. I wipe his saliva off of me. I get up, put my shoes on. I kiss him on the cheek and leave.
I'm proud of myself. Period or not. I didn't want to sleep with him. I wanted to be held close with popcorn in our laps watching a movie.
I don't expect Don Juan....but I certainly didn't expect Homeless Ed.

If I wasnt feeling so damn lonely, I would've seen the writing on the wall about what he was about instead of being so damn naive. I feel like I'm not going to find someone...maybe I'm too something and no one will ever love me. Yes, they can use my body for the night but really get to know me and love me...idk.

When I got home, he said I didn't have to leave.

I've been sexually assaulted before being in the same situation. This person I trusted more. I said no twice..the third time, it was while he was ripping off my underwear. I'll never be in that same position again. I'll take the local A train from Harlem to Brooklyn.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


i've been trying for the past 2 hours to go to sleep.

my mind is racing and i feel the urgency to do things like clean my apartment, write, clean my closet.....
but i've worked 6 days straight and i'm f-n tired.

part of me wants to start a new blog and find some corner of the internet where no one knows me and start writing freely again. completely anon. but then that takes energy and i'm spent.

i'm sick of being single.
the quest to find a mate has proven futile so far and i'm sick of going on horrible dates...with nonstarters, liars or...people who just don't know wtf they want!

so, i settled for a b-buddy. finding one of those was also hard but i think i found a winner. drama...
the perks of working with all women...

this post is going to be

fuck it.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

go for it

I woke up this morning determined to really pursue getting a new job which basically means going to all these fancy smancy department stores...putting in my resume and hoping someone bites.

I went to Saks and felt really inadequate. People smiled at me and I saw a few familiar faces but I just didn't feel right. My friends who are freelancers gave me some tips to help me...y'know...what to say, what to do...where to go...and I felt a little bit better. I went to Nars and dropped off my resume and then hightailed it out of there!

All 3 people that I spoke to in Saks was like...GO TO MAC! What's wrong with you?
And while that's really where I wanted to be...I don't know, I felt like I had to go to all these other places first.

I was in the area, passing by and so I went in to MAC and the first girls I ran into was like.."Oh what MAC do you work at?"

I don't work at MAC, I just wanted to put my app in..the manager looked at me and said, WOW! He didn't have any openings but told me who does and I ran over there. The response was awesome.

I felt really good about it.
I should expect a call about an interview in a week or so.

I have no idea what I was thinking...I want to work for MAC, so I'm going to stick it out until I can.
Point blank.

Things are good with The Frenchman. I feel so secure and relaxed. I know he likes me. I believe him when he says he wants to be with me for a while. We talked about communication and he's working on it. We'll see where it goes..things are super mellow. I feel the difference when someone wants to rush things but it feels like we're taking our time.

Friday, April 5, 2013

real or game?

me and the frenchman was supposed to go on a date but trouble struck at his job and he didn't get home til 11. he asked to see me that late. me being the savvy lady i am said for him to meet me at work for lunch tomorrow or sunday, i'm off. he's off.

he danced around for a bit and said he'd probably see me for lunch. sunday is his day to sleep all day. he says it's the one day for himself. i get it. i've known him a week. i'm not trying to make him change his life...but, eventually...sundays are going to be mine...*evil laugh*

i think he's infatuated by me...he thinks i'm beautiful and smart and he wants another "taste" but he keeps reminding me that he doesn't just wasnt 1 night or just a sexual relationship. he's told me so much that it isn't reassuring's making me question.

  and i don't want to do that..overthink things.

but, i don't want to get my hopes up and get all starry eyed because i don't think i can handle another disappointment. i want to protect my heart but i don't want to be jaded.

what do i do?

i hate all this damn uncertainty

Sunday, March 31, 2013

weirdest date ever

(this is going to be a long one...get your coffee and muffin and sit

I was on my way home from work, standing at the bus stop freezing my booty off when I see this man walk by. He had a huge smile on his face and was staring at me. He walked by and I shook my head and laughed. A few seconds later, he came back and called me to the side to talk to me.

I never talk to anyone in the street.

I was hesitant but he was persistent and we exchanged numbers.

The first thing I noticed...the French accent. I asked if he was African and he said..."Close, I'm from Guadeloupe."

Side note: Every time I think of Guadeloupe, I think of canteloupe...because they're spelled so similarly.

Anyway, it is a Caribbean island owned by France..he seemed really nice but I hadn't heard from him and I got stood up by Aussie (again) so I decided to call him...I think his name will be The Frenchman. Which kind of makes me chuckle because it makes me think of the guy from The Matrix.
But he's black and isn't such an asshole....but still.

Anyway, The Frenchman called me and it turned out we were doing anything that day, so we decided to hang out that evening at 6:30.

At around 4, I text him to see what the plan was. He said 8:30, to meet him at my old high school - the neutral point between our two houses.  Cool.

As I'm about to leave, I text him the obligatory, "I'm leaving"...he told me he was running about 20 minutes late.

I get a little what point was he going to tell me this? When I was standing by the school in the cold? Ok, so I'm there at 8:50...he said he was on his way...(more annoyance from me)...

I see this guy walking towards me that looked very similar to him except he looked CRAZYPANTS!
I whip out my phone and call him. Thank God Crazypants didn't answer. He told me we were going to walk to a spot about 6 blocks away. He had to pick up a bag before they closed and they weren't open on Sundays and he had to be at work early on Monday.

Okay..I'm thinking it's a small bag. Where do we walk up to? A LAUNDROMAT. He had to pick up his laundry....All I could do was laugh. He called a cab. And I'm thinking..oh shit, we're going to his house..which of course, makes me uncomfortable...

We call a cab. He opens the door and lets me in (cool points) and he runs to the other side. We take a short ride to his house...which is NICE. He has a 62' TV...smh and a 3-bedroom all for himself. When you walk in, you think it's like a studio but then there's this hallway and 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms...O.O.

SO, we're siting in his living room watching some random thing on the TV and I'm like...Ok.....where are we going..(in my head, I'm like...I didn't put on heels to sit in your house)...
He apologized. He was waiting for his friend who was supposed to have called him an hour prior. He plays in a live band and it was going on somewhere but he didn't know where.

So, Plan B was to hit up one of my favorite chill spots in Brooklyn...a wine bar called Therapy.
He had to get cash so we could take a cab, so we walked to an ATM and then I realized that the bar was only a few blocks, I said we could walk...which is big of me (and my heels)

So, we walked and it was nice and cozy. He doesn't drink but I had a grapefruit-infused white was sooo delicious...just the right amount of sweet and we talked and talked.
He's a smart cookie. Besides French, he speaks Russian as he stayed in St. Petersburg for a year. When he moved to America, he picked up fluent English in 8 months. He's lived all over the States and he has a degree in Economics which he got from an American college, but works as a fire safety director for a building in the city.He also has a few side businesses like he just started a cleaning company in the city and he had a restaurant in Brooklyn that someone else bought out and he might want to restart it.

I was like SHIT! Dude has it all together...

So, why did he stop for me in the street? He said, he could tell I had a very calm spirit,. I was just minding my business not trying to make trouble for myself and then when he smiled at me, I smiled back and it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.

We sat next to each other and I felt super comfortable with him. He revealed that his birthday is just 2 days before mine. I have a fascination with man hands...I looked at his and they were nice. His nails were short and clean. He looked at my palm as I looked at his. He says.."Our palms look the know what that means? It means, I'm going to marry you." I laughed. I had a big costume jewelry ring on my left hand. "Let me take this off so you can get me a better one." He remarked that he liked my hands as well so I didn't feel like such a weirdo. We just talked and talked until the 2nd glass of wine made me sleepy and we walked to his apartment.

As we walked, he grabbed my hand. As he said something, he turned to me...and kissed me.
"You're so sweet. I don't want this to be a one-time thing. I want to be with you for a while. I've been so lonely. I'm a loner. I have friends but I'm not close to many people. My family is in Guadeloupe. I just want a wife."
I came into the whole situation without expectations..just going with the, I said I don't see why the back of my head I'm like...he could just be blowing smoke...

We get to his house...I sit down and take off my shoes which were burning my the soles of my feet. He uses the bathroom. On the TV (he keeps it on when he's out), is the first 48 and they're talking about a woman getting murdered. He starts kissing me on my neck. I'm not freaked out but I'm like..THIS is what we're watching? lol

He hugs me and is like..."Oh, I'm in Heaven. I haven't been with a woman in a long time..I don't think I know what to do..."

He turns off the TV and lays me down on his couch and kisses me and starts touching me..things progress a little...he kisses and sucks on my breasts...we go to the bedroom. He takes off my jeans and underwear and puts on a condom.

He does like 3 pumps...and gets up..


I couldn't help myself. I wanted a little taste but I don't want to go too far.

I'm're already in might as well finish the job.

I say, I want more...He, if we really go in..your head is going to be all fucked up. I don't want that.

Fine. I get dressed. He calls me a cab and gives me money for it. I'm not sure what to think of it. I do know the French are very expressive..they tell you how they feel but one thing's for sure...he's not a normal guy. We'll see where this goes. I don't have stars in my eyes. I'm a little tired of the dating, if this doesn't work out...I'll be hanging up my hat for a while. I do have a few guys I'm talking to all my eggs aren't in one basket.

We'll see...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

the dream of being loved by you.

my mom lost her job yesterday.


all these questions have popped up. she's seeing this as her opportunity to move to charlotte and of course, she wants me to move down there with her.


i was supposed to hang out with aussie today. didn't work. his child's mother was supposed to pick up their daughter but she was a no show.


i hate dealing with men with children. i know, it sucks to say but it adds a whole 'nother level of shit you don't need. what can you do? she's here. she's not going anywhere....

he told me to "stick around this time."

i'm so spoiled when it comes to men or maybe i've just been alone too long. i want things to be my way. i want you when i want you. i want you when i call. i want things my way.
i don't know if i can stick it out with anyone....but i am hungry. starving for something i can't quite put my finger on.

love? attention?


Monday, March 25, 2013

hello old friend

So, I was back perusing pof when i ran across a name I remember seeing a long time ago.
I clicked on his profile.
and there he was.
I messaged him.

what happened to your girlfriend?

long story.

We began to talk like old friends...and began reminiscing about the old times...good times...and i realized i missed him. so, we're going to hang out on thursday and i can't wait to see him

AUSSIE. *slaps forehead*

Get familiar

I hadn't realized until I went searching through the archives for his name that I've known this knucklehead for 5 years. We've been through some ups and downs. I don't know what's going to happen. He said he wants to be friends. I don't think we can but I will try.
Reading those old posts are bringing it all back....

Sunday, March 24, 2013

so, what happened?

i was too eager and i wanted things to be amazing right away
and that doesn't exactly happen.

i realized that i was always the one hitting him up, carrying conversations...if i didn't call/text him, we didn't speak. if i didn't insist we hang out..we didn't hang out.

and the midst of what i now realize was a pms-induced fit of emotional-ness..(idk what to call it)

i text him:

i don't think you're really that into me. when i'm into someone, i want to know everything about them. i'm engaged. i ask questions. i don't get that from you.

and he said....


and that was the end of that.

so FUCK HIM. no, really...fuck him.
my  work wife was like..i have a pattern which i like a guy and then like 2 weeks in, i get a little crazy and i'm like...where is this going and that scares them off.

which is true.

and i will work on that but even still...if someone questions if you're into don't get scared off. you tell them something. and if you don't have anything to say, that answers their question and if there even IS a question, the answer is no.

so buh-bye lee.


Friday, March 22, 2013


i guess i just need to know that my life will be ok.

that i'll get my happily ever after.

but nothing comes with a guarantee in life


there are times in my life i feel so utterly lonely.

in europe, i was alone. i was by myself in countries that didn't speak my language. i had to fend for myself. motivate myself when things didn't go my way. i was responsible for catching trains/buses/planes and for every activity i did.

who knew that at home, i would feel like even more alone...lonely. there are people here that i can talk to freely. everyone (for the most part) speaks english but most times, i feel like i have no one to talk to.

perhaps, that's why i started the blog.

i am tired.

emotionally, mentally, physically.

this city drains everything you have.
and then you try to date because everyone in your life has someone except you.
and it doesn't necessarily work.
and you feel like a failure.

and i wonder.. what is wrong with me?

i am beautiful, smart, funny, ambitious, driven...i have morals, manners...i speak well, i dress well, i like any available opportunity with a partner i trust, i'm all over it.
but i'm fucking alone.
and that fucks with your psyche like...what am i missing?

like, where is my man? why isn't he here?
i'm so tired of feeling so alone all the time.

understanding that alone is different from lonely.

somewhere along this month, i stopped trying to do things. with my book, with my career. everything feels like an uphill battle.

and i just don't know what to do....
i don't know who to reach out to...
i don't know how to make myself feel better...
i feel like being an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand and just giving up.

the only thing i can say to myself is that this will be one of those entries that i will remember later on when i'm happy and shake my head and remember how bad this felt and be glad i felt this bad...because it made me appreciate the happy.

for now, it just sucks.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

decisions decisions

My job isn't hard.

People come to this big department store and they look at makeup.
I walk up to them and ask them if they need help.
If they say yes, I ask questions, they ask questions, I find products to help them.
Sometimes they buy. Sometimes they say they're going to look around and never come back. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they just go about their merry way.
Sometimes, people just hand me a list of products they want to buy. I like these people.
Rinse and repeat.

I've spent the past hour laying in bed in the dark not able to go to sleep just thinking about why I hate my job.

Hint: It has nothing to do with the job.

A few of my coworkers are cookoo for cocoa puffs.

The amount of stress I feel right now is so intense..I wish I had a bottle of alcohol to dull the edges of it in my brain.

I am stressed about work and money.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do but the last time I felt this way, I left.

I just saw a mouse in my bedroom. I suddenly feel dirty. There's never just 1 mouse. They come in packs and now I'm stressed about mice, money and work.

I feel so worn out working days and days on end. The same grind. Numbers and people and coworkers and at the end of the day...the only thing I wanted to do was makeup.

I'm thinking about becoming a freelancer. That would mean not having a steady job I punch in and out of everyday. That would also mean possibly having a part time job to make up for not having a steady job.

This path is uncertain.


Something has to change.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

..and then there was ONE

I would like to say that I know that Lee was special when we were messaging back and forth...but I didn't.
I knew that I liked his conversation and felt at ease with him.
We had some sparks. When I heard his voice, I heard that he was stable and strong.
When we had our date, I was excited.

We met up on a snowy wintry night and I was wearing the wrong shoes and not enough clothes and he was tired.  He works crazy hours like...15 hour shifts and we were both not on our A-game.
But, we sat over hot chocolate and pastries and it felt like talking to an old friend.

He drove me home and we sat awkwardly at the end of the night in front of my house. I'd made up my mind I wasn't going to kiss him. I've had my cold forever and he was going to Panama. I didn't want to give it to him.  I made a comment about hoping to see him when he got back.  He asked why wouldn't I? I said, he could find the woman of his dreams on a beach out there. He gave me a hug and called me silly and then instinct took over and I fell on his lips...


They were like two soft pillows.


I fell asleep and had some crazy dreams all involving him and I woke up the next day knowing we would be together. I don't know how I know. I just do.

Anyway...he's off in Panama and I'm here missing someone I hardly know. Time will tell.
But I feel like I know...Maybe I'm crazy.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Boys Boys Boys Pt 4

The whole thing with Clinton made me realize that the picture that we made inadvertently was something that I did want and I was only fooling myself by saying that I didn't.

I ran into this guy...let's call him Chris.
Chris seemed like a nice guy so I let him take me on a date. We went to Lasagna in Chelsea. The food was good but it was weird to be there on a straight date because they had Drag Race playing on the TV. I was distracted. We had good conversation, I made him laugh and feel at ease since he seemed to be really nervous. I think it was my beauty (lol). The date was decent.

He wanted the night to go on but 1. we just ate dairy and I didn't know how my stomach was going to fare. It could get super ugly. 2. I realized halfway through that there were no sparks between us.

We hugged goodbye and said we'd do something the next night.
The next day, however, I left my phone home and missed his call and texts. I felt bad.
I told him what'd happened and he took it as rejection. It was pretty much downhill from there. He just needed more confidence.

I do not like sensitive guys.
I don't want to have to console you on stupid shit. So...long story short, I think I could've been into him if he'd had more confidence but his lack of it, turned me from being halfway off to all the way off...he was a nice guy, though.

Late one night, I couldn't sleep and I had to be at work super early, I pulled out the POF app on my phone and logged on. I did my search and started hitting people up, y'know just shaking the tree to see if a coconut falls down.

I started talking to about 5 guys...It was nuts.
One guy was from my neighborhood and acted all rude when I didn't want to give him my address.

EXCUSE ME, sir. I don't even know your last name...why should I be so inclined to tell you where I am right now? Ixnay

Down to 4
This one Haitian dude kept sending me rapid fire messages with one question in them. The first message asked for my phone number so he could text me. Stupid me, I complied. Then the next 6 messages were crazy like...why didn't you answer my last question...DUDE! Ixnay

Down to 3
The next dude seemed really cool. I sent him my phone number because the app really does suck your battery. He gave me his and said he'd be waiting for me to text him.


Be a fucking man! If a girl gives you her number, you text her. I thought it was really gay to say to a woman..and I quote.. "Here's my number. I'll be waiting..."
That's pretty fucking gay...

Whatever, I waited a day. Saw he really wasn't going to text me and I texted him. The conversation wasn't even that...It was me asking him getting to know you questions and him just answering. I was taught that a conversation was just like tennis. You throw the ball back and forth. You answer and ask a question so that the person knows that you're engaged. Am I wrong??

Whatever. Ixnay. ....pussy.

He was a Bronx guy. Being from Brooklyn....people outside of BK, Manhattan and's a no-go...too damn far. If you don't drive, Queens is a frickin hike.
He was a smart ass and he kept me on my toes. Here is where we got a little tricky.
a. He criticized women wearing makeup. He doesn't get it.
Now...I'm a makeup artist. Do you really think that's going to work? I understand the whole...women should be natural thing....but then men want girls that look like Beyonce who (no matter what her publicist says...) always wears makeup, is in heels, has a weave and a personal trainer to look fab all the time. Give me  a fucking break.
b. He was like....I'd like to give you a try. Excuse me? Am I the 1 month free trial from Netflix? He meant sexually...and I played dumb like I didn't know what he meant and he just stopped contacting me.


Boys Boys Boys Pt 3

The next day, I feel really good about the sex but really awful that it was Matt. So, I text him.

Me: How do you feel about last night?
Him: I feel like it was something that was going to was inevitable. I'm glad we got it out of the way.
Me: Yea, I wanted to fuck you for a long time. I don't want anything extra from you, though.
Him: Me too. I wanted to do that for the longest but you know how I feel about relationships.

Which basically means, he avoids them like Dracula avoids the Sun.

We were square.
I went to Europe. It was awesome. I came back horny.

Clinton and I met up one late night. I went to his house and we had sexytime. It was 1 position, short and I was a little disappointed. I mean, the first time we went for hours and hours but this time was just....quick. He apologized. He said he'd already masturbated before he knew I was coming but he did eat me out until I climaxed which was awesome. lol...he's a giver, that guy.

I slept over. We spooned. The next day, he had to get up early for work. I wanted a quickie but he was in a bad mood saying how tired he was and I felt guilty.

So, here's the picture:
me, Clinton and his dog leaving his house. They (him and the dog) waited for me to catch the bus, he kisses me goodbye and I pet the dog.
It felt like we were...together.

And that's where I kind of lost my footing.

That picture was so emblazoned in my mind and I was so geeked. I was going to buy him a bed in a bag because he had mismatched sheets...
I told my coworkers...I had stars in my eyes.

Not even a week later, I was PMS'ing. I felt like my job was shit. I hate everyone. I texted him. He told me about his job interview. He was so excited, he just had to send them some samples. I was my encouraging self. Then I told him I was having a bad day.

And I got..........................................nothing.

For 4 fucking days, he was silent.

So, I text him. You guys know I'm not taking that shit.
Me: So, *crickets* That's all you have to say?
Him: Sorry, with the new job, I don't have access to my phone.
Me: Yeah.....okay.

And that was the end of that. Radio silence for a few weeks. 
I was a little hurt because I thought at the end of the day, we could be FRIENDS. I didn't want him to take me out and introduce me to his friends or anything but a little support.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Boys Boys Boys Pt 2

So, I'd met Clinton in junior high. I didn't know him well but we reconnected a few years ago because of course...I'm a makeup artist. He's a photographer.

Chad had stood me up on one of those jaunts where "he didn't have his phone" and I'd planned on going to a friend's birthday party. I said, fuck it. One monkey don't spoil no show...I went looking super sexy. There were weird people at the party and Clinton was my boyfriend for the night.

Fast forward to January.
One random night, I invited him over for tacos and Love Jones.

Random Fact: I've never watched the entire movie with a man that I was dating. I feel like once that happens, I will just marry the

Halfway through, I sat on Clinton's lap. We started kissing and it was a wrap.

The first time you sleep with someone usually sucks. It was good but then I'm so tight that the friction from the my tightness and the latex in the condom just didn't jibe and we had to stop.

It was about 2 weeks before I was set to leave.
I have had a crush on The Nigerian's friend for a long time. What was the last you heard The Nigerian pop up? Mmkay? Anyway, he knows I hate TN but we're still friends. Let's call him Matt. He had a pajama party for his housewarming. I'm thinking...oooh super sexy pajamas. I show up in a slinky sexy robe, lace slip, garters on and 4 inch black patent leather pumps. It's his cousins and they're in flannel pajamas.

*record scratch*

There was 1 girl who had the same idea and we huddled together in the corner and had intellectual conversation to prove we aren't sluts. As the night progressed, his male cousins came and it was time for me to GO.

I came back about a week later and we watched a movie, hung out and watched Silver Linings Playbook. There's a scene where Jenifer Lawrence slaps the shit out of Bradley Cooper.
I look at him with a glint of light in my eye. He instinctively scoots away from me. But, there's this tension. Suddenly, he asks me what type of woman am I adventurous am I? I tell him about the bathroom thing with Chad and I had sex in a restaurant before....and the tension builds and builds.

Out of nowhere, I was talking and he just grabs me and starts kissing me like his world is ending. Like...grabs my face and holds me so I can't move and  I feel all his strength and I was so taken aback. I'd never seen that side of him before.

After, the kiss, we just watch the movie like nothing happened.
His hand is on my knee. My hand is on his thigh and then I straddel him. He rocks me back and forth kissing me, holding me in this crazy embrace. He gets a phonecall. His roommate/cousin comes home.

His cousin/roomie goes into his room and keeps his door open. His room faces the living room. We stare at each other...the other not knowing what to do.
I say...are we going to finish what we started?

Matt grabs my hand and takes me into his room where we have glorious sexy time. Again, he's not packing a lot either but he knew what he was doing. He knows how to handle a woman.

Now that I think of it, every time a man asks me to watch a movie, my panties end up coming off...smh

It's late and I don't feel like going home even though it's only a few blocks away. I really should've gone home. His bed was the best thing about the night. It was big and he had fuzzy sheets. He kept music on all night. We didn't cuddle and he had to get up at like 5am.

I didn't get much sleep and it was my day off.
We talked after and we're still friends. After The Nigerian and the whole DK debacle, I vowed no more Africans. I wouldn't mind playing in the sack with him but anything else would be too much.

More boy tales...

Boys Boys Boys

This year, so far, I've slept with 2 people, have dated 4 or 5 and am currently plotting on someone to be my boyfriend.

I'm busy. lol

Where do we begin?
Chad. I met Chad on match dot com.
Whoa. Match was a huge waste of my cotdamn time. Seriously, they charged me the amount for my left titty and the same dudes from POF are on there. Chad was trouble. He was an amateur body builder and he was so complimentary of me...oh, you're so beautiful. hi gorgeous...y'know.

It was....nice. lol...what? I'm vain.
Anyway, first date. We ate at a Peruvian restaurant that we happened to stumble upon. He was all over me. His kisses were nice. His hands were like an octopus, man. I really had to take a step back and be like...woosaahhhhh.

We held hands and walked around the city. He walked me home and we kissed in front of my apartment. This ninja tried to come up. (of course, he tried) and I said no, although my panties were wet. lol.

Well, we went from texting all day everyday to me not hearing from him for almost a week.

He came back, saying.....he had to take his phone to get fixed. He didn't have it.

Mmmkay. *skeptical look*

But he really wanted to see my beautiful face and so I let him take me to the movies.

In the middle of Flight, he started rubbing on me and things got hot and heavy and he started fingering me in the theatre.

Yes, because we are 14 years old.

I'm hanging my head in shame.
After the movie ends, we're hanging around the theatre kissing like teenagers. He pulls me into the bathroom and we proceed to have sex.


Ok, so my count was off in the beginning of the post. That makes 3 people I slept with this year....but I don't really think this should count...WHY???
His penis was the size of my index finger in length and girth. I was sooo sad. He had the sexiest abs, arms and chest. I could really have kissed each part of him except the fun stick because everything else was nice and big and delicious., his penis is small...that's fine...he can make up for it by his tongue or his fingers or sheer stamina. He works out everyday, he can work out by trying to make me climax....

Yo, he lasted for a good minute. If that. I think we got in 5 pumps and that was it. I know the look on my face was like...REALLY??? I don't use the 'n' word but that was one instance, I really wanted to.

But, he was really loving and sweet after and the first part of the story was hot and so I rolled with it.

Then, I didn't hear from him for 3 days again.

And then he pops up like nothing happened. the the left...Ain't nobody got time for the shenanagins.

So, that was that.
He was nice to look at.

Oh...and then he popped up again on WWF while I was in London and I beat him by 300 points. He was cute but had like 1 marble rolling around in his head.

I'm Alive

*taps mic*
Hey guys, I'm still here...alive and well... And well...I've missed telling you old friends that lost touch. I want to catch you all up and it's going to take some time...

If anyone still reads this blog.
 I also want to get some new fresh blog meat happening.... If you have a blog, comment and I will add you to the roll and read everything you ever wrote.


I did go to London, Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam. I left Jan 31 and came back Feb 11th. Travel changed me in ways I didn't expect. It refocused me into what/who I want and it made me more badass. True story: Now, I don't take anyone's shit. I used to be mad passive. Now, I'm just, fuck you. When it's appropriate, of course. And since I'm fauxnonymous. Meaning, you guys know who I am but for the most part, I still write like an anonymous are the links to my European adventure from my other blog.

I will update as I get the chance

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Whatchu Want?

I understand that what we want changes over time. It is as human as how our favorite song evolves once we hear new songs or our needs evolve as we get older. At this juncture in my life, I’m not quite sure what it is I want from a relationship. If, a relationship at all. Some think that I have given up on love. By some, I mean the bickering voices in my head that tell me conflicting things. The need, the desire to be loved is constant. It is poignant. It is something that can not be ignored. What happens when it has for a long time? Does the human spirit just eat itself, like someone lost in the wild without food that makes the choice to eat his own hand or face death? At times, I feel like I have given up on love in the way that a child throws a tantrum and says that they are no longer your friend. Or maybe, I’m playing hide and seek with love. I was the one that was tagged “it” and love had a really great hiding place. The areas where I thought love lay; it was just its cousins, infatuation, lust and possession. So, where am I now? I’m not quite sure. I feel like I’m waiting for something big to happen. For someone to rattle me to the core. Someone who will make me change everything that I’ve known or thought or felt. I’ve never really wanted a grandiose expression of said love, just an inkling for me to know that it is there. Willing. Waiting eagerly for me to recognize it and that it was not hiding all along.

Saturday, January 12, 2013


I think about blogging all the time. My life is ever shifting. My personality changing. My character becoming something molded by my experiences – the things I see and the people around me. Lately, I’ve been tired of everything around me. I’m starting to hate NYC, the closer I get to my trip to Europe. On the train, there were 3 people begging back to back, loud obnoxious kids and a black dude rapping along with his iPod only to the words that included “nigga.” I cringed every 5 seconds when he said it. Are other places like this? I haven’t been sleeping well lately, relying on Pepsi and Starbucks to keep me awake during the day. My anxiety/insomnia keeps me awake at night. My eczema is horrible now. Every day at work since a week before Black Friday, there has been some new drama at work. It keeps getting progressively worse. Are other jobs like this? I like a guy who has canceled his plans with me 3 times in a row, yet I still am there, texting him and making future plans. In his defense, he’s a freelancer and he doesn’t quite know when his next check is coming from. So, he gets jobs unexpectedly and he has to do it. Meh. In my defense, it helps me to not get so attached to him because in the back of my mind, I’m leaving for Europe and I may not come back home. I’m seriously bringing resumes with me. There’s so much to catch you guys up on. Hopefully, I have the energy to do it.