feet on the ground

i'm vegan.
not sure if i mentioned this before but my eczema has gotten out of control. rather than go on steroids which caused a lot of the problem, i've turned my diet upside down.

no meat, dairy, corn and corn products, and gluten/wheat-free when i can.

the first 2 weeks, i felt like my feet were stuck in quicksand. now, i feel really good. i don't think i want to go back to a regular diet again. in addition to being vegan, i've been slathering blackseed oil and shea butter on my skin like nobody's business. i've lost some weight. my skin which was heavily discolored is now starting to lighten up.

there is a light spot on my face. i'm trying not freak out about it. it could be vitiligo. vitiligo is connected to people that have eczema...i really don't want to add another thing to the battle but...i'm putting blackseed oil on that too...ugh!

lady k sent me an email asking me about the frenchman.
in april, i asked was it real or game? GAME.
a little after our 2nd date, we were supposed to meet up for lunch while we were both at work.

firstly...we live in nyc. who asks someone to help them move from philly to nj out of the blue.
secondly, why didnt he call or text me to tell me that. i was calling HIM about 30 minutes before we were to meet up.

he says, i'll make it up to you. i'm going to be tired but i'll be taking the train into penn station (down the block from my job) about the same time you're leaving from work. maybe i'll be 30mins or an hour late if you want to wait for me.

sounds reasonable.

i wait 30 minutes before i'm to leave because i'm NOT waiting for someone who's communication track record is not so hot. no answer.

i called this dude like 3 or 4 times.

that was saturday. he calls me monday.
he has the nerve to ask me "why haven't i heard from you?"

are you fucking serious dude???
he claims he came in from nj at 2am. sunday is his day of rest and he doesn't speak to anyone on sundays and here we are monday. but i could've called him on sunday.

it took everything in me not to curse his ass out.
i calmly explained that when you stand someone up..they're not that eager to try and reach out to you. you did wrong. you apologize. he then sees it my way.

he wants to make a plan to see me again. i'm non-committal.
i call him and text him just to see if i'm holding a grudge. this time. he goes RADIO SILENT.
no calls, no texts.
WTF.

yo....3 WEEKS GO BY.
he hits me up like we've been chopping it up every fuckin day.
him:"why haven't i heard from you?"
me: i could ask you the same thing
him: i was on business in alabama and in other middle-america states.

i laugh. hard.

him: i noticed you stopped calling me and texting me so i was seeing what was up. i'm back home. i want to see you.

i don't say a word. i just hang up on him.


and that is that.
soooo many things i wanted to say/could've said...i just let it go. it was SO not worth it.
this is why he's 34, has a great job, great apartment, no kids, knows a lot about various topics but is SINGLE. he's crazypants.

ain't nobody got time for that.

go for it

I woke up this morning determined to really pursue getting a new job which basically means going to all these fancy smancy department stores...putting in my resume and hoping someone bites.

I went to Saks and felt really inadequate. People smiled at me and I saw a few familiar faces but I just didn't feel right. My friends who are freelancers gave me some tips to help me...y'know...what to say, what to do...where to go...and I felt a little bit better. I went to Nars and dropped off my resume and then hightailed it out of there!

All 3 people that I spoke to in Saks was like...GO TO MAC! What's wrong with you?
And while that's really where I wanted to be...I don't know, I felt like I had to go to all these other places first.

I was in the area, passing by and so I went in to MAC and the first girls I ran into was like.."Oh what MAC do you work at?"

Me??????

I don't work at MAC, I just wanted to put my app in..the manager looked at me and said, WOW! He didn't have any openings but told me who does and I ran over there. The response was awesome.

I felt really good about it.
I should expect a call about an interview in a week or so.

I have no idea what I was thinking...I want to work for MAC, so I'm going to stick it out until I can.
Point blank.

Things are good with The Frenchman. I feel so secure and relaxed. I know he likes me. I believe him when he says he wants to be with me for a while. We talked about communication and he's working on it. We'll see where it goes..things are super mellow. I feel the difference when someone wants to rush things but it feels like we're taking our time.

real or game?

me and the frenchman was supposed to go on a date but trouble struck at his job and he didn't get home til 11. he asked to see me that late. me being the savvy lady i am said for him to meet me at work for lunch tomorrow or sunday, i'm off. he's off.

he danced around for a bit and said he'd probably see me for lunch. sunday is his day to sleep all day. he says it's the one day for himself. i get it. i've known him a week. i'm not trying to make him change his life...but, eventually...sundays are going to be mine...*evil laugh*

i think he's infatuated by me...he thinks i'm beautiful and smart and he wants another "taste" but he keeps reminding me that he doesn't just wasnt 1 night or just a sexual relationship. he's told me so much that it isn't reassuring me...it's making me question.

  and i don't want to do that..overthink things.

but, i don't want to get my hopes up and get all starry eyed because i don't think i can handle another disappointment. i want to protect my heart but i don't want to be jaded.

what do i do?

i hate all this damn uncertainty

weirdest date ever

(this is going to be a long one...get your coffee and muffin and sit down...lol)

I was on my way home from work, standing at the bus stop freezing my booty off when I see this man walk by. He had a huge smile on his face and was staring at me. He walked by and I shook my head and laughed. A few seconds later, he came back and called me to the side to talk to me.

I never talk to anyone in the street.

I was hesitant but he was persistent and we exchanged numbers.

The first thing I noticed...the French accent. I asked if he was African and he said..."Close, I'm from Guadeloupe."

Side note: Every time I think of Guadeloupe, I think of canteloupe...because they're spelled so similarly.

Anyway, it is a Caribbean island owned by France..he seemed really nice but I hadn't heard from him and I got stood up by Aussie (again) so I decided to call him...I think his name will be The Frenchman. Which kind of makes me chuckle because it makes me think of the guy from The Matrix.

But he's black and isn't such an asshole....but still.

Anyway, The Frenchman called me and it turned out we were doing anything that day, so we decided to hang out that evening at 6:30.

At around 4, I text him to see what the plan was. He said 8:30, to meet him at my old high school - the neutral point between our two houses.  Cool.

As I'm about to leave, I text him the obligatory, "I'm leaving"...he told me he was running about 20 minutes late.

I get a little annoyed..at what point was he going to tell me this? When I was standing by the school in the cold? Ok, so I'm there at 8:50...he said he was on his way...(more annoyance from me)...

I see this guy walking towards me that looked very similar to him except he looked CRAZYPANTS!
I whip out my phone and call him. Thank God Crazypants didn't answer. He told me we were going to walk to a spot about 6 blocks away. He had to pick up a bag before they closed and they weren't open on Sundays and he had to be at work early on Monday.

Okay..I'm thinking it's a small bag. Where do we walk up to? A LAUNDROMAT. He had to pick up his laundry....All I could do was laugh. He called a cab. And I'm thinking..oh shit, we're going to his house..which of course, makes me uncomfortable...

We call a cab. He opens the door and lets me in (cool points) and he runs to the other side. We take a short ride to his house...which is NICE. He has a 62' TV...smh and a 3-bedroom all for himself. When you walk in, you think it's like a studio but then there's this hallway and 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms...O.O.

SO, we're siting in his living room watching some random thing on the TV and I'm like...Ok.....where are we going..(in my head, I'm like...I didn't put on heels to sit in your house)...
He apologized. He was waiting for his friend who was supposed to have called him an hour prior. He plays in a live band and it was going on somewhere but he didn't know where.

So, Plan B was to hit up one of my favorite chill spots in Brooklyn...a wine bar called Therapy.
He had to get cash so we could take a cab, so we walked to an ATM and then I realized that the bar was only a few blocks away..so, I said we could walk...which is big of me (and my heels)..lol

So, we walked and it was nice and cozy. He doesn't drink but I had a grapefruit-infused white wine...it was sooo delicious...just the right amount of sweet and we talked and talked.
He's a smart cookie. Besides French, he speaks Russian as he stayed in St. Petersburg for a year. When he moved to America, he picked up fluent English in 8 months. He's lived all over the States and he has a degree in Economics which he got from an American college, but works as a fire safety director for a building in the city.He also has a few side businesses like he just started a cleaning company in the city and he had a restaurant in Brooklyn that someone else bought out and he might want to restart it.

I was like SHIT! Dude has it all together...

So, why did he stop for me in the street? He said, he could tell I had a very calm spirit,. I was just minding my business not trying to make trouble for myself and then when he smiled at me, I smiled back and it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.

We sat next to each other and I felt super comfortable with him. He revealed that his birthday is just 2 days before mine. I have a fascination with man hands...I looked at his and they were nice. His nails were short and clean. He looked at my palm as I looked at his. He says.."Our palms look the same...you know what that means? It means, I'm going to marry you." I laughed. I had a big costume jewelry ring on my left hand. "Let me take this off so you can get me a better one." He remarked that he liked my hands as well so I didn't feel like such a weirdo. We just talked and talked until the 2nd glass of wine made me sleepy and we walked to his apartment.

As we walked, he grabbed my hand. As he said something, he turned to me...and kissed me.
"You're so sweet. I don't want this to be a one-time thing. I want to be with you for a while. I've been so lonely. I'm a loner. I have friends but I'm not close to many people. My family is in Guadeloupe. I just want a wife."
I came into the whole situation without expectations..just going with the flow..so, I said I don't see why not...in the back of my head I'm like...he could just be blowing smoke...

We get to his house...I sit down and take off my shoes which were burning my the soles of my feet. He uses the bathroom. On the TV (he keeps it on when he's out), is the first 48 and they're talking about a woman getting murdered. He starts kissing me on my neck. I'm not freaked out but I'm like..THIS is what we're watching? lol

He hugs me and is like..."Oh, I'm in Heaven. I haven't been with a woman in a long time..I don't think I know what to do..."

He turns off the TV and lays me down on his couch and kisses me and starts touching me..things progress a little...he kisses and sucks on my breasts...we go to the bedroom. He takes off my jeans and underwear and puts on a condom.

He does like 3 pumps...and gets up..

WTF?!

I couldn't help myself. I wanted a little taste but I don't want to go too far.

I'm thinking...you're already in there...you might as well finish the job.

I say, I want more...He says..no, if we really go in..your head is going to be all fucked up. I don't want that.

Fine. I get dressed. He calls me a cab and gives me money for it. I'm not sure what to think of it. I do know the French are very expressive..they tell you how they feel but one thing's for sure...he's not a normal guy. We'll see where this goes. I don't have stars in my eyes. I'm a little tired of the dating scene...so, if this doesn't work out...I'll be hanging up my hat for a while. I do have a few guys I'm talking to online...so all my eggs aren't in one basket.

We'll see...