Tuesday, June 30, 2009


My mom woke me up at 7:15am asking if I wanted a ride to the 9am service to church.

I wanted to cuss her. Lol. No! I turned over and went to sleep. My friend Kingsmomma was going to meet me at service at 11am. I swear...if it I weren't meeting her, I don't think I would've had the energy to make it to service.

When I woke up at 9:30, I was so drained! I threw on some clothes, did my make-up on the bus and got there just in time. The message was funny and engaging and informative. I loved the title: Men are from Dirt: Women are from Men. It basically talked about the different ways men and women communicate.

Why did I forget I cut my hair off and was wondering why people like my pastor(!!) whom I've known since I was 15, didn't recognize me..lol. My cousin loved it. He snapped a flick.

After church, I went home and fell out!!! My mom was preaching at 3:30. I took a nap and got up just as my family friend was pulling up to take me to see my mom. She preached the house down! Her message was Favor in the Time of Famine. Famine is not just a time where you're lacking food. You could be lacking emotionally or spiritually, financially...and how God uses us during this time to draw us closer to Him or to bring us to our destiny. She talked about how Joseph was sold by his brothers and how if he hadn't gone through that dark time, he wouldn't have ended up in a palace.

My niece and her cousin says they want to go home out of the blue. I was upset because clearly, I hadn't spent any time with them but I told them that I would take them out starting this weekend.

My mom was mad because they made it seem like they weren't having fun and it was her fault.
We got some Chinese food and went home where I was forced to watch the BET awards...booo!

I left after Beyonce performed..and her set was different but umm..off. Her voice was phenomenal.

You can see why I'm still catching up...
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Saturday cont'd

So...we're all hanging out and the dancers are getting dressed. We all know each other on a cordial level. So, Twin goes to me and he says he's been wanting to grab this dude's crotch all day. He wonders if its real or not...

Being I'm a woman, I should grab it and tell him if its real.

I protest. I can't grab a penis. He's like stop being a punk...he'll let you. Its because everyone likes you and you know he doesn't want you...he's gay! Lol

So, I do it...and ummmmm....it was real. Lol

so...we all start taking pictures when Giselle..she's a well-known industry model decides she was going to have an impromptu photo shoot...the pictures were hot. Lol
It was like 2:30 by then. I told J I wanted to be home by midnight...yea right! There was all these parties going on and he wanted to see them. Mind you, I'd been in my heels since 4. My feet were yelping! Lol. Fine...

We go into the hip hop room...nothing but black dudes looking like we were at the Source after party. I was with Twin, a BLatino gay man...and J, a drag. Even though the dudes were gay, just didn't seem right. Especially after all the fights we'd seen that day, lol.

So, we went in the house room...omg. It looked like Queer as Folk...remember that show? a sea of white dudes dancing shirtless with glow sticks in their hands on pedestals! The bogo dancers were in sailor hats shirtless with white pants. It was fog everywhere. The female dancer had silver glitter covering their nipples. It was bananas.

(you can kinda see the sailor..the other pic is the entrance to the theatre/club)

We were watching from a balcony, out mouths agape because if never seen anything like that before...madness.

I finally convince J to leave. On our way home, she was like...you know what will make this night better? A box of Waffle Crisp.

Whaaat? Yes, folks...I walked in Pathmark at 3:00 in the morning in full make-up to get a box of cereal. Lol

I didn't get home til 4:15...exhausted and in need of some Jesus...hahahahaah

Monday, June 29, 2009


I was supposed to had gone to church for a Women's Meeting but I had no energy to get up and go at 9am. It just wasn't happening. I woke up at 10. My niece, her cousin, and my mom's god daughter had come up Thursday night. I hadn't seen them, so I went to my mom's house to say hi. They were being shy so, I kinda left them alone.

I had a ball to judge that I had to be at 3pm. J is my gay male friend that I troll around with a lot. That night he was being a drag (literally), so I will refer to him as a she. Lol. So anyway J wanted me to do her make-up. She still had running around to do. Twin made me a sequined skirt to wear that he cut from my measurements. So, I called J at 10:30. He was up, showered and dressed. So, I told him to meet me at 11:30. He doesn't get to my house til 1! Smh

There's CP time. Then there's gay CP time...GCP is the effing worst!!!

He's routinely 1hr late all the time...annoying!

Anywhosies...we do what we have to do...we get to the ball at 3! I'm freaking out because I have to do his make-up. So...I'd already done my own..in the moving car...with us racing down 8th ave...yes, I'm an effing professional.

But, I'm racing to get dressed...racing to get her face on. My hands are shaking...my heart's racing. Everything goes on great. Til I get to the lashes.

Every time I go to put it on, her eyes start pacing..so his eyelids are fluttering...that plus my shaking hands didn't help. I couldn't even put my own lash on. I was upset because I NEVER go out without one on. Plus, I messed up 3 pairs trying to get them on...I felt like a failure. Everyone said we both looked great so I got over it.

Mind you! We had to cut a slit in the skirt so I could walk in it! Then...the waist was too big and kept flopping down...

I was so mad! But, it looks cool in pictures.. I guess

Anyway... My time to judge was over. We're watching everything...all of a sudden...a fight to end all fights. People are stomping on other people. J is like..let's watch...I'm like...let's get out of here!

We go to get our bags. The chicks start arguing. I'm like..uh oh..let's get out of here.

As soon as we get downstairs, people start rushing out. A fight broke out where we just left.

We go, get J's car. We drive around the block and then come back to see if our friends are okay. Another freaking fight breaks out!

EMT's are there breaking up fights, directing traffic..it was a MESS!

We were supposed to be at another event at 10. It was 8. We had time to kill. So, we went and had sushi dinner with J's friends who are lesbians.

I'm cool with them because I know them from the balls...but it was nothing past hi-bye..making comments about what we were watching. So, we're talking..I tell them I've been doing the balls for 4 years...blah blah blah.

The check comes. I go to the bathroom. Chick follows me. She asks me about my make-up artistry and compliments me..nice, right? Yea...She proceeds to ask me if I've ever been with a woman. I tell her, no. Then she says...Damn, you ain't no lesbian. Especially, if you've been around them for 4 years and you waint been turned out yet.


She then says...she had sex for the first time in 3 yrs last week and it was with a man. She didn't like him. She just wanted sex. She was telling me ALL her business. The whole time, she keeps saying...I just wanna eat the pussy of a girl I'm attracted to...

I couldn't see my face but I KNOW I had the Bambi look...like...hmmm?

She was like, I haven't found anyone who I'm attracted to in 3 yrs that I want to have sex with...
I was like, that's unfortunate.

Her friend comes in and starts blotting her make-up. I walk out and start thinking...wtf was she trying to say?

Anyway...we go to the show. It was amazing! My friends put on a show for pride. After the show, we all sat hanging around. Then, things got interesting...

To be continued...
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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Pick Up Lines + Top Model + FB is the New Lil Black Book

(Weekend ReCap Post 1...beware long post(s) to follow...)

This "weekend" started on Thursday and felt like an epic(read: never-ending) adventure.

Friday night, I had tickets to see The Glamazons (plus-sized pop group) in concert and there was an after party. It was still all apart of full figure fashion week. I was tired but I spent $20 on the tickets and it only made sense to go. It was supposed to have started at 10:30. I got there at 10:15. I said I would stay until 12 and be tucked away in bed by 1:30. Always being on time or early sucks sometimes. Like, when concerts don't start til MIDNIGHT. I was pisssssssed but I met a girl (JSB) there that I'd befriended the night before and it made it easier as she was hilarious and had 2 big girl friends with her. When the concert finally started, the sound was horrible!!!!!

So, me and my new-found friends left and went to the after party which was at Stitch Bar and Lounge. JSB invited some guys and there was only like 2 others there. There were a bunch of women. I was trying to get everyone to dance...blah blah blah..I looked cute! Lol. I had on a white tank top with a black an white picture of 2 dogs looking at each other that said kiss and make-up with an electric blue pencil skirt. Flats and a black clutch. I got a mani...all my fingers are black, except for the ring fingers which are white. Rocker chic...

So...in the midst of all of this, I met a woman who said she loved my look but I'm too short to model. Booo! Then she looks at me again and says they have a print division and could use me for that. I gave her my card and was like USE me! I know....such a ham! Lol.

Then around 1ish...men showed up! Yayyyyy! Lol. I was looking at one of them all night. Since now it was 10 dudes to 40 women..he got a lot of play. Lol. I was trying to use my Jedi mind tricks to get him to talk to me to no avail. One of the girls was like talk to him!!!!! I am really shy...believe it or not. She basically pushed me so hard I almost fell...and she threatened to keep doing it until I talked to him or fell. So, I went over and talked to him. He was so cute until he ummm, opened his mouth. So, I said hello..I took his card and danced away.

His friend stops (this guy is a huge big girl party promoter) me like...heyy, did you come up for the event? I was like...I live in NYC. He was like...how come I've never seen you at the full figure parties? I said I didn't know about them. He was like oh no, oh no...you have to come out! Give her a flyer (to Wack Smile) and he did. I hope to see you again. I was like you will. Was he flirting or was he promoting? Hmmmm....

I was over it and it was 2:30 by then. So, me and my new friends decided to leave.

As we're leaving, more dudes come and I literally run into one of them! I'm clumsy. He looked sooo familiar to me...so, I was like: I know you. Where are you from? I think he said Brooklyn. Then I quizzed him on all his schools from elementary...NYU...something else...I asked his name..another first and last name guy. I like that. Lol. I told him I would facebook him.

JSB pretty much took a cab with her lady friends and left me with her 2 male friends that came. One was really cute. The other put me on the "pay no mind" list and so I reciprocated. They were sweet. the one I wanted to talk to was going to Queens. The other dude was going to Brooklyn. I thought..hey we're on the same train, why not make small talk....every question I asked was met with a one-word answer. He kept walking away, pacing around...so I was like...whatever.

I saw a girl whose lashes I was admiring at the concert. She waved and I went to talk to her. To my surprise she had a British accent. She's from London and is apart of an international make-up agency based in London but gets/gives work in Paris and New York, as well. =-O

She's moving here with her boyfriend in September. She's soooo cool and funny and nice. She said if there's something she can't take, she'll let me know and give me the work. We talked the entire 30 minutes waiting for the train and until I got off...

Everything happens for a reason...

I didn't get in my bed til 4ish...with my make-up on and a black pillow cases, lol.

To be continued.
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Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Door

So,guys and dolls...

One thing I didn't mention in my last post....

I cut off all my hair...ala Amber Rose...it looks dope. I feel dope..

I went to the kick-off of Full Figure Fashion Week last night.

Oh. My. Gosh.


Firstly, I get there and I met a girl who recognized me from my other blog. How cool is that?

I chit-chatted it up with random people and finangled a paid job on the same day as my make-up party. $30 an hour for 3 hrs of work on the side. Early morning though! Lol

I also spoke to a girl who may be interested in me being the beauty editor of her e-magazine that she's starting in August!

All within the first hour of being there!


It was being sponsored by Ashley Stewart and so they did a fashion show...the clothes won't be available til the Fall and I'm excited!

It was so great to be around big girls like me: confident, bubbly, stylish, beautiful...

Such a breath of fresh air...
I only know one and that's YW...smh

Plus, being mistaken for a model all night didn't hurt! Lol

I was talking to 2 models in the show. They were both tiny like me. One goes...us petite plus models need to stick together.

I didn't have the heart to tell her...lol

I feel energized. I feel like I'm doing something. I feel great!!! *_*
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Finding Balance & A SoulMate...lol

I've been struggling a lot lately..quiet as its kept.

I'm trying to find balance. I've been trying to compartmentalize my life and say this is when I work, this is when I go out and let my hair down, this is when I work on my projects...needless to say it doesn't work. I've refrained from blogging because I'm not sure you guys want to read the verbal atrocity of someone sinking...

Sinking is a little melodromatic but, humor me.

And I'm thinking about the sermon on Sunday: The 11 Commandments of Dating. Commandment 1 was Get a Life.
I have been pondering whether or not I have one for the entire week. Am I interesting? Would I want to date me? Of course, everyone's knee jerk reaction to that question is of course...I'm cute, I've got the tightest buns you've ever seen...but am I interesting? Do you want to talk to me?

Relationships are so much more than looking into someone's eyes and all that mushy stuff.

I'm not sure of the answer.

Am I too driven?
This week, Gi has been wearing.me.out. She has been texting me constantly, face-booking, e-mailing. I know, that's a friend.

And it is....but ya know...sometimes, I need my space. I get in a mood from time to time that makes me shut down. Getting 10 texts a day trying to have a conversation annoys me.

Well, why am I annoyed? Its getting down to the wire with the party. Things that I've ordered haven't come in the mail. I'm a worrier. This weekend is going to be bananas. Today, I have a networking event. Tomorrow, another networking event...but that's like a club type thing...Saturday morning, I have women's group at church. Saturday afternoon, I'm judging a competition related to gay pride. That night, there's a fashion show my friend designed for and I have to go...also related to gay pride. Also, my 3 nieces are coming into town on Saturday. Sunday, my church. Sunday afternoon, my mom is preaching and wants me to go. I'm jam-packed with STUFF I need to do. I'm stressed, too.

When I'm stressed, I don't talk about it...talking about it adds to the stress because it makes me think about it more.

Plus, girls tend to talk too much anyway..lol

I said all of that to ask...do I have tunnel-vision to the point where I will be single for a while?

I'm not sure..but I have a crush on a blogger. He's in Nashville. Isn't that just like me? To like someone who is so unattainable? We talk on bbm but nothing like...hey baby, come over. lol...and I'm not sure if he even likes me and I think its weird to break out the old...do you like me? check a box when we don't know each other. I feel like he likes talking to me. At times, I feel like he's all casual. I've put it out there...(in the most immature - err grandiose- way) so I guess, we'll see. I realized I don't even know how to get to know people anymore. What do we talk about? I'm starting to feel like I'm all lip gloss and lashes. BUT I'M NOT! I have opinions and ideas...I'm just lost at how to show him that I'm the ish...

*le sigh*

Monday, June 22, 2009

Yea so..

The last part of the night which was hilarious was the trek between SB's house and Stay.

Its like 4 blocks...4 NYC blocks which is like 1/4 of a mile...lol. Idk it could be. I was in 4inch heels. Bump that! I kindly went to the side and changed into my flip-flops.

As I was doing that, SB's friend, HappyDrunk was like what are you doing?

I said heels hurt.

He was like...get on my back.

Blank stare.

Get on my back, I'm not fucking around yo. I laughed.

I'm cool.

He was trying to put his arm around me and he inadvertently punched me in the face.

Hey! Hey! Sorry, next time I'll get on your back. You don't have to hit me.

He laughed. That's what we do...I'm from Queens, we hit bitches every now and then. How we show love...

And yea, this guy graduated from an Ivy League...

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Part Deux

I get to BFF's house and her friend C is not ready. She's dressed but her hair is still wrapped up and she's got no make-up on and they're eating.

Wtf? By this time, its 10:20. We were supposed to leave by 10. Yes I was late but I expected that BECAUSE I was late, we could roll out. I hate being dressed and then waiting.

C asked me to do her make-up and I didn't do as great as I'd hoped. In the middle of it, I knocked down BFF's shower curtain which caused C to be like...NINA DID IT so freaking loud that BFF and Yael ran in to see l the commotion which I promptly ran away and made her finish her own face.


We get to the party and there's a lot more black people. We make jokes that the white people are uncomfortable. How does it feel to be the minority, sucka! I know, silly...

So, we all migrate to a club where SB has reserved bottle service and a VIP table.

Oh Em Gee

The dj was whaaaackkkkkkkk.
Stay Club on E Houston and Avenue A (which is in a trendy part of town) had the worst DJ. Seriously, he played Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, James Brown, Montell Jordan...it was surreal. The only current songs he played was Lady Gaga "Let's Dance" and Lil Wayne "Millionaire" and the Lil Wayne song was per our request. He only had that one song.


In the midst of it all, you have this guy let's call him D-bag! Dbag was one of 2 other black dudes there, well other than SB. One had a girl who I swear had herself permanently sewn to her man's crotch. Another dude who was so wasted by like 11pm, I'm not sure if he remembers anything. Dbag had on a button down, some tight high-water pants and some boat shoes.

Dbag had a stack of 50's and 20's he kept pulling out all night. He said things to really get the ladies interested. Things like...

"Oh I just can't help myself. I joined Ballers Anonymous but I can't keep my identity a secret."

"My pants are too tight. I had my tailor hem my pants this high so you can see my shoes. Do you like them?"

The best of it all was:
"I routinely pay for pussy."

To which C says..."That's dangerous."

"Yea, I know but it feels so good. So what do you say we get a hotel room and I pay you for your time."

C doesn't miss a beat.
"You can't afford me."

"I make 6 figures."

"That's not enough."

I was laughing so hard like are you serious?

So we asked SB how old Dbag was and where he worked.

Goldman Sachs and he's 23. Dude...no way he's making 6 figures...maybe 90k or low 100's at max.

So what..he's still an a-hole, I say. Smh

To be continued...yes, there's more!

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Weekend ReCap


I was trying to keep it on the low but I was really down from like Thursday on...it was like a cloud of doubt hovering over me.

Not cool.

So, I cancelled all my plans for the weekend and really just wanted to chill at home.

Friday, I made some scrubs. There were some trials and errors but I made on successfully. It smells like vanilla and cinnamon. I'm in between calling it Feisty or Tough Cookie. Please leave your votes in the comment box.

Thanks! Lol

Saturday, my plans were to eat ice cream, watch movies, and chill out til I could meet up with YW.

Around 7ish, BFF called me and practically begged me to go out with her and her friend C to our friend, the stockbroker's (SB) bday party. Last year, we went to SB's party and we were the only black people there. Moreover, it was really boring. So boring, bff got so drunk, we ended up with her head in a bag as she was puking her brains out. Ummm,yea...I didn't want to go. She was persistent. She reminded me of how I've had a crush on SB since 9th grade. (So!) She also told me it was my chance to meet Yael- her man-friend she's been talk to forever.

Ok fine. I relented.

I got dressed. Hated the outfit. Changed. Changed again. And again.


On to make-up. Which was a saga in itself. I really hated what I did

I was so upset and feeling off. I really just wanted to wash my face, put on sweats and go to bed.

I was running late by a half hour when YW called. I had to tell her I committed myself to something else which made me feel like mold. Before the summer is out, I have to make it to DC.

I get to BFF's house and....

To be continued (this post is too long)
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Friday, June 19, 2009


I woke up this morning refreshed at 6am.

I spoke to God like a child asking for lunch money. People always quote saying: "You have not because you ask not." So I'm asking.

As we're leaving for work, my mom hands me mail. What is in there but a notice saying it was my student loans that took my refund. I'm wondering if I should fight it or just let them have it because they just took $100 from me yesterday. Some people are so greedy! So what if I owe them $9k. It all adds up!

Get this! She's like..Oh I've had this mail forever.


Oh yea, there was a disconnection notice from my gas company. They were going to cut me off for $35.
I went ahead and paid that plus the current bill ($25) $60 out of my pocket that I hadn't budgeted for...lovely.

The beautiful struggle!

It is a small consolation that I look exactly how I wanted to today. My outfit and make-up are pretty on point in an "I just threw this on way." Gotta count your blessings where you can...lol

So, my mom is driving me to the train station and we're talking about her wannabe "fiance" - long story...I'm like if you guys get married, where are ya'll going to live? She's like I have my house. He has his. He can go to his house if he wants to. I don't think he's cheating on me. He's an honest man. So if he's not going to cheat on me now, why would he cheat on me if we're married?

Sage words, friends...
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Things are moving on the party front!

I bought a fondue pot on sale at Macy's. I bought 20 pairs of lashes for $12 on Ebay. I usually pay $2.50 at minimum for lashes...so that's a steal! Only thing is they're coming from China...(no literally...lol)...so it takes 15 days (approximately) to get here. I have time...right? I think I HAVE 2 weeks...July 11th...*insert panic attack*

I might have to buy lashes from that seller in the future for my personal use. I use a pair of lashes every weekend...adds up...

So, I'm excited!

I can't wait for this weekend. I'm going to buy the ingredients for my scrubs. I have them named and everything. I hope it comes out right.

Oh and I found the "face" of my brand. My friend PA...I met her the first day of my freshman year of college and the first thing I said to her was..."You're so beautiful!" I ran into her today randomly. I didn't know she was in NYC. The last thing I heard, she was in Chicago. The first thing I said to her was "You're so beautiful!" She is stunning!

She's trying to model. Its a match made in heaven. Lol

I just need to raise $300 for this amazing photographer I met to shoot her.

I also need $300 for this netbook I'm lusting after.

I'm trying to get at least 2 things done per day. The only things I need are food items...gift bags...I want to get thank you notes...and another item or 2 for the gift bags. I'm trying to get eye shadows for the bags. Its a lil pricey...if all goes well this weekend, I'll just make scrub samples.

So far, my budget isn't blown...yay!

Movin and shakin! Movin and shakin!
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So..I get random messages from people on POF as I haven't deleted my profile yet. Blame it on the alcohol? Lol. No, on female optimism that my prince will come!

I get a random message from who? None other than Mr. Aussie.

The last correspondence he and I had was this: http://cagedblackbird.blogspot.com/2009/01/dear-john.html

Not pretty.

Clearly that was before the saved days...hahahahahaha...

So, the message was actually not from him..it was POF telling me he added me to his favorites list.


I kindly removed myself.

He sends a message "Hey you"

I saw the notification on my berry. I went to lunch. I had a decision to make...I could delete it unopened and not even have a reaction to what he said. I could read it, keep my reaction to myself and delete it after or I could read it, have a reaction and respond...that would engage us in a conversation.

I thought long and hard. My whole hour lunch.

I sat back at my desk and deleted it unopened.

There's nothing he has to say to me. Nope, not even sorry. I know he's sorry. There's nothing productive I have to say to him. Either I would be soliciting him for sex..which...uhhh...no. Or I would be cursing him AND his mama! And uhhhh...no.

I thought about what the pastor said on Sunday...everyone you sleep with, you take a piece of them with you and you with them. I think his piece in me should be regarded like my childhood memories: repressed for the greater good.
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PMS Patty

So....I haven't cracked a real smile all day.

My day turned sour when I found out the $492 tax refund I've been stalking the mail man for is actually applied to some debt I have no recollection of. This is money I was counting on so I could buy a netbook I desperately need for writing and setting up my empire. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Sometimes it just feels like I'm reaching out for my dreams. I see it but somehow I got stuck in quicksand and the more I run, the more I get sucked in by just shit.

I just want to cry but I'm still sailing on...right? No choice.

Anybody have $500 they want to gift me with? I lost my concealer. Bill collectors are calling 6 times in a row at 9am.

I just don't know.

I keep singing that song in my head...Jesus is a friend...

And he is....

Just tired of being broke eternally. Trying of working all the time. Tired of working so hard and feeling like I'm back at square one. I'm tired of never being comfortable enough to just take a trip anywhere ever. The last trip I took to someplace that was longer than a 4hour trip on a bus was 2 years ago - Miami.

The hormones don't make it better.

Something's got to give.
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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Umi Says

I don't wanna write this down. Wanna tell you how I feel right now...tomorrow may never come. For you or me, life is not promised. My umi says shine your light on the world. Shine your light for the world to see...I put my heart and soul into this ya'll...Tomorow may never appear. You better hold this moment so very close to your heart. Mos Def, Umi Says.

I have my period. Today is the first day which means I'm all emo. Smh.
I have a lot going on and each day I add more. I woke up this morning with some things on my mind. A hymn - Jesus is a Friend sung by a pastor in my church who has a gospel cd. I also had an idea for sugar scrubs.

Maybe the hymn was a sign to place more on Jesus' lap.

I'm tired.

I love my gchat convos with Liz and YW. They inspire me in ways that my other friends do not - as if they see the possibilities. Maybe they humor me and my other friends don't. Maybe they believe in me while my other friends don't. Who knows?!

If you can't tell this post is going to be random...

I was trying to write a sex scene on the train just now and I couldn't. Tears came to my eyes. Is that melodramatic or what? Its epic!

I miss more than sex. I miss more than that. I miss connecting with another human on that level. Its not lost. It will happen. The more time that passes, the more I am less concerned with the when and more with the who. I have to catch myself from constantly searching.

I no longer have those silly lists girls make about their ideal mate.

I have standards, yes. Its just a feeling I get now.

I still have my profiles on POF and another site. Dudes hit me up and I read their profiles and just know.

Besides the waterworks during the writing, its god. I'm noticing a lot of my writing is surrounding family. A mother killing a daughter. Sisters killing each other. Abandonment issues surrounding parents. And I thought the only therapy was during blogging, lol

All for now...
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My friend met me at church. The topic was about sex. The biblical view. It was VERY interesting. I thought it would be you know the usual...you fornicate, you have sex outside your marriage, you're dirty and going to hell. It was NOTHING like that. I love my pastor. He was like sex is a hard topic because it is good. It is really good. Hahahahah....

Key things I took from it is that whenever you have sex with someone, you are becoming one flesh with them. You always take some of them with you and they take some of you with them. Immediately, I thought of all the men I slept with and how I can remember all the intimate moments between us. He touched on homosexuality and how it starts as a friendship. I thought about Jabara and how she wanted us to do lunch.

He also talked about how male pastors don't talk about lesbianism with the same fervor as they do man on man because lesbianism is an aphrodisiac for most men.

He also talked about how sin is sin and if he stepped out on his wife while the man next to him sleeps with men, they are both sinning and it is equal.

That we must all do the same thing which is flee from sexual immorality.

I said all of that because what did I do after that?

I got food, went home and took a nap and then.....went with my friend J...a gay man who is into women that look like men to a lesbian party!

He has a crush on the girl Jabara (who incidentally called him out of the blue on Friday for no reason) and she was going to this party for his mutual friend so we went. I'm his wing man for the summer.

So...we go and I'm not uncomfortable...I'm just aware of what I'm putting out as far as my vibe. I'm dancing and having fun. I looked so cute! I had on a white tank with a picture of 2 dogs that said kiss and make up. Some jeans that I cuffed and some purple peep-toe shoes on and a black clutch. Hot! Lol.

So, we get there. We see Jabara...she gives us hugs and she introduces me to this butch butch butch girl. This chick hugs me sooo tight. I was disgusted. Not because she's butch or whatever but it reminded me of a dude that's trying to feel you up. Mental note: Flee from her! Lol.

So, I was dancing around. I met some girls who were just chilling...started joking with them. Jabara comes over and introduces me to this girl - all legs, slim, really pretty...she looked like a model but she was interesting because she had the bridge of her nose pierced...you know ala Janet Jackson Velvet Rope...lol. Immediately, I knew...that was her girl.

"Omg, you're gorgeous!" I hugged her. Jabara seemed surprised.

"She's sweet."

I looked at J. He was looking at the girl like....hmmph!

We danced and walked around...for like 3 hours. My shoes were kinda tall so I was happy to go.

As I was leaving, Jabara comes up to me..."You don't love me...you don't call or write..."

I laughed.

"We're supposed to discuss life, remember?"

"I remember. Not sure if that's a good idea for more than one reason," I say. "Your girlfriend's hot," I laugh.

"Not my girlfriend," she says and winks at me,"my date."

She takes my hand wanting to dance. I dance for like 2 seconds.

The chick cuts in...

"I was just leaving." Jabara frowns.

J and I get in the car.

"You know that bitch was her fucking girlfriend!"

"No, her date for the night."

"Fuck that hoe."

"All she wants is attention, J"

"You're right...but fuck that bitch...her long-legged ass..."

"Jabara or the chick she was with?"


I laughed all the way home.
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Monday, June 15, 2009

culture shock!

so...i'm back at work...at the 2nd job after being off for 2 weeks...

and i feel like i've been placed in the middle of a war zone...

i was all relaxed and now i'm back. in the middle of hell.

i'd forgotten how this job makes me feel: angry, depressed, frustrated, sad...

there are some crazy spirits up here....its like INSTANTANEOUS!

I need to get out of here! STAT!

I have a whole list of things I need to accomplish and I can't even concentrate..my mind is everywhere...I feel like if I'm going to waste my life away, I might as well...work towards my make-up business or write...but I feel paralyzed...

what to do because I need the money!



i didn't go to bed until late on friday night. my mom came home and told me that our neighbor of 20 years died. she was such a nice old lady. she had cancer. my mom was crying maybe i'm insensitive because i was like...ummm

1. she was well into her 80's/
2. she had cancer.


we are supposd to have a mother-daughter day once a month. we went to breakfast and then we saw the taking of pelham 123...awesome movie.

i came home and passed out. it was like 3pm.
i woke up at 8...
smh...i know!

i started cleaning. my apartment has been an absolute disaster!

around 9, my good friend called me.i haven't spoken to him in 6 months..we talked for 2 hours...he wants to meet young black professionals to network and stuff...i'm down. he had the wheels turning in my head for real.

good to have goal-oriented people in your life reminding you of your own goals.

went to bed at 2am

Weekend Recap Pt 1

So, yea Friday night, I bought some vanilla ice cream and a Pepsi home intending to write write write! I did as you could see on the last post but then I got hungry- lol. Ice cream and soda isn't really a balanced diet.So, me and my friend Mace (lol, pepper spray) decided to go get some Chinese food. I really do not like to leave my house after 9...it was 9:30 and I couldn't very well stay hungry.There was a dude let's call him TF (TouchyFeely) that I met the day after I got my finger smashed in the door. I was feeling down about my being maimed so I gave him my number. Big mistake! The problem with meeting people around the neighborhood is they always run into you...so annoying because maybe I was still doped up on something or feeling sorry for myself but dude is NOT cute.

i'm walking down the street..who pops up trying to hug me...
i tried avoiding him but i couldn't. he was around his friends and they were like..oh son, she's trying to play you.
so, whatever he walks down the block with me..with his arm around my shoulder.
i move away...too familiar. i don't like that. don't touch me.
but i'm nice and i give him my number again. he's like, i want to take you out to the movies or something...i start laughing...
dude...catch the hint.
he doesn't so now i have to find a way to avoid him...that block or figure out if i want to mace him next time, lol.

to be continued..

Friday, June 12, 2009

Day 1

Of the 5k word challenge

And I wrot 1547 words in an hour and a half...

*does cabbage patch*
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Thursday, June 11, 2009


Isn't it funny how your life can be crumbling all around you and everyone else seems to be walking by like you're a fish in a tank? Or how a friend is in crisis and you not notice it?

This is not another post about being sad, rather observations about LIFE.

I think I'm going to take the 5,000 word challenge. Basically, I've been slacking on my book-game. I haven't written in weeks. I'm distracted by a lot. Honestly, I need to write. So...5,000 words in 7 days starting tomorrow.

It boils down to 715 words per day. I would have to do this in between 2 jobs, 2 blogs, 1 party to plan, maintaining a social life,my spiritual journey, a budding freelance career. Sheesh! How does one find time for anything?

Wish me luck. And a flash drive.

I need to find some balance.
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Eases the mind.

I saw The Hangover.


I feel sooo much better!
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I think the weather has the ability to really eff with a person's mood. Why is it then, I want to move to moody Seattle and dreary Londontown?

Today, I just felt like I should resign myself to dreaming and make a career out of something. Sure I'd be miserable for the rest of my days but so what? I'd have security....

Then I smacked myself.

I'm sure I would die. If I really really did that...I would die. Its just...I'm really broke this week. I missed 2 days of work and my check is reflecting that. Iknow God will make a way and I can stretch the hell out of a dollar. But...there are THINGS I want. Like black lame leggings from Torrid for $25 or to be able to buy movie tickets for me and my friend today. Or say I'm going to London in September instead of drooling over the airfare on BritishAirways.com ($525 round trip right now...)

What's worse is that I'm the reason behind all my troubles. Me. I haven't been wise in my spending.

Yet, I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Why? Why! Why?!

I don't know.

I have to resolve in myself to change.

You can't spend like you're Rihanna when you have a budget like Rapunzel!

Arrrgh! It'll be okay...
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Make-Up Party!

I'm so excited!!!

I've decided on a theme: Make-Up, Chocolate and Champagne!

I'm going to get personalized champagne flutes and mounds of dfferent types of chocolate everywhere...with flowers and beautiful decorations!


This is going to be great!!!
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So Much on My Mind, Just Can't Recline

*random post*

I hope my recent swing on the mood pendulum is hormonal. I've been so blah...I don't know why. I just don't want to do anything besides staring off into space.
For a budding entrepreneur...(I say that half-facetiously) its a bad thing...very bad.


My favorite sister contacted me out of the blue. Yay! She's doing well. She just turned 50. Her husband isn't being a dick. All is well with her.

After buying a necklace, make-up, and now a skirt online...I've realized, I hate waiting for things in the mail. Its sort of inevitable since these items were all under $20.

This is all making me think I should go to therapy for real for real. It seems like depression again. I'm not sure what's triggering it. I don't feel like eating. I just want to sleep sleep sleep. *sigh*

Girls on Twitter talked me into having a make-up party. I've decided since my last venture...doing a full face for under $100, I can't sell myself short. I can't offer free services unless I know it will be low impact. Yes, this is something I love, but it is costly. I can only hope people who call themselves my friends will really support me.
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Monday, June 8, 2009


Its the summertime, baby!

It seems the social calendar is booming! I'm so excited!

My friend had his gallery showing on Saturday....he's so talented!
I should drop $600 on him...I gotta ask him if he accepts payment plans...lol

(that's not paint..that broken glass...the big fragments...so hot!)
I met a girl there. I will call her Jabara. She's one of THE coolest chicks I've ever met...She's got all these tattoos and her style is just bananas. But...ummm....she's a lesbian and she thinks I'm beautiful and asked me more than once if I was into dudes...lol
She said she just had to make sure...and I don't think she would cross the line but she's intigruing. I still may forge a friendship with her. She works for Diesel and has her own styling company. So...its a connect. *shrug*

Sunday, it was 85 degrees and I was dressed like a harlot. Lol. My dress is really short...like it ends an inch or two my butt.

...yea....unwanted attention but what do I expect?

I had a lovely time spending the day with Gi....we went to lunch....it was terrible..but funny kind of terrible. We walked to the pier....we walked to a random bench....then we went to Maracas for dinner and went home....

Weekend was SUPERB!

What did you guys do??

Friday, June 5, 2009

Under a Rock

Has it really been 4 days since I last blogged?

Well, friends...I've been sick.

It started on Tuesday. Horrible cough.

Wednesday...I woke up with ummmm...diarrhea...

Thursday, I called out. I couldn't move when I woke up. Crazy fever, sweats, chills, hot flashes, sneezing...

I'm not one for taking medicine, but I'm willing to buy stock in Theraflu...lol

This year has been rough for me. I have been sick more this year than in the past 2 years combined.

What is it? Why am I getting sick all of a sudden so frequently? Is it stress? Is it diet? I have no clue...*le sigh*

I will say that I like how the light coat of sweat makes my skin look dewy...lol...light at the end of the tunnel.
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Monday, June 1, 2009


My niece is coming into town with her best friend and my mom's goddaughter.

In like 2 weeks.

They're staying for a month.

How am I gonna entertain these boogers?

They're 17-18. Its so funny because I kept calling them "kids" and my mom was like stop. They're young adults like how you wanted to be called. I was like...


When I was 18, I already had 5 years work experience and 1 year of college under my belt. I had 3 jobs. I was not a kid.

So, yes, they are kids. Lol.

I didn't say it but I was thinking it.

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