Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I understand that what we want changes over time. It is as human as how our favorite song evolves once we hear new songs or our needs evolve as we get older. At this juncture in my life, I’m not quite sure what it is I want from a relationship. If, a relationship at all. Some think that I have given up on love. By some, I mean the bickering voices in my head that tell me conflicting things. The need, the desire to be loved is constant. It is poignant. It is something that can not be ignored. What happens when it has for a long time? Does the human spirit just eat itself, like someone lost in the wild without food that makes the choice to eat his own hand or face death? At times, I feel like I have given up on love in the way that a child throws a tantrum and says that they are no longer your friend. Or maybe, I’m playing hide and seek with love. I was the one that was tagged “it” and love had a really great hiding place. The areas where I thought love lay; it was just its cousins, infatuation, lust and possession. So, where am I now? I’m not quite sure. I feel like I’m waiting for something big to happen. For someone to rattle me to the core. Someone who will make me change everything that I’ve known or thought or felt. I’ve never really wanted a grandiose expression of said love, just an inkling for me to know that it is there. Willing. Waiting eagerly for me to recognize it and that it was not hiding all along.