Midnight Conversations with Myself

If I could be anywhere right now, it would be Bermuda. All day, I've been remembering pieces of my trip - Shelly Bay, driving up the Southern coast of the island, the smell, the people, downtown, riding on the backs of mopeds and motorcycles.

I need the comfort of something or someone. My family will embrace me but they're far away. No, I need something more personal. Spooning. I need to be held.

Although he's the last person I would let touch me, I go back to my time with TN...mainly, because he was the last person to touch me. My brain remembers the hugs..sleeping in the middle of the day holding each other. Incidentally, the times before we started having sex. Go figure.

Tomorrow, it will make 11 years since my dad died. I always feel so alone around this time.

There are people I could call for sex. New people. Old people. I know I could walk into almost any bar/club/lounge, get someone to buy me drinks and take me home but is that what I really want?

Where do you find comfort in this cold city?

I've been in bed all day, literally. Sleeping, reading, watching stuff online...ignoring calls from Twin. I told him I just wanted to rest today and he just wouldn't stop calling. My friends are too needy. I feel like I have too many people relying on me. That's who I am...old faithful...the reliable one but sometimes, I just want to flake out and not feel bad about it.

Who do I rely on? Twin told me I could rely on him emotionally but I can't. Old habits dying hard and such.

I've been contemplating what's next...travel, school..what career am I going to fall into? My heart is not into what I'm doing anymore. I'm starting to hate the industry. No one wants to be normal or down to earth. No one wants to have integrity. I've built something though. I've built something stable in a year. Amazing. Should I tear it down to go be someone's secretary?

So, what's next? I don't know. JC called me the other day and said he was inspired to motivate me...he'd had a dream or something and he woke up and thought of me and told me not to stop pursuing my dream.

I'm tired.
I need some comfort. A hug. A kiss on the forehead. A word that everything will be okay.
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