this week was pure stress getting my grandmother's arrangements together.
i can't even tell you all that goes into making sure a loved one is sent away properly but i will say at the end of it all, we made sure that she had a dignified service and burial. i couldn't have done it without my mom.
my brother, the youngest one is 31 years old. he might as well be 13. he did really nothing to help and complained the entire time while me and my mom are running wild trying to get things done he's like... i'm hungry. i'm sleepy. i'm blah blah blah. we were in the car: me, mom and bro and we're trying to get my grandmother's clothes together that she was going to be buried in and the entire car ride, he complained. i looked in him his eyes and i said as loud as i could, SHUT UP! i really wanted to throw the f-bomb in there but my mom was around. he kept touching me..hugging me and playing with my hair and stuff....for like 2 days straight. i don't particularly like to be touched. so, i was like STOP TOUCHING ME! she was like...you're so mean. on another ocassion, when she first told me about my grandmother dying....i didn't cry. my reaction was pure business like....ok, what do we have to do? she was like, why are you so cold?
so, i'm cold and mean.
and pretty much everyone concurred.
but they did also add that i'm polite.
i'm polite as a motherfucker.
if that's any consolation.
(it's not)
people don't understand that grief shows itself in many ways. and, i don't get how they want me to be weepy and inconsolable one minute but be on top of the arrangements and keep it together the next.
my mother called me a robot.
yea, i'm a robot that couldn't sleep at night, woke up crying when i did and basically felt the weight of a $7,000 funeral on my shoulders.
needless to say...it was a rough week, man.
my brothers and aunt left hours ago.
brock had been texting me all weekend to come over and fuck him. i decided that....having sex with dk was a great coping mechanism when my gma first died. it made me forget about the stress and emotional turmoil at least for the night. he held me tight and i got the best sleep i'd had all week.
as soon as they left, i called brock and went over to his house.
it is a really nice house.
i didn't get a tour. i came in through the back door which led straight to his bedroom.
we sat and talked about music for like 5 minutes and then he kissed me.
brock's lips are twice the size of mine and they are awesome. he did everything really well.
his penis is not as large as dk's but he knows how to work it better. he was adventurous and he worked my ass like a rag doll. it was good.
but then, he mentioned earlier that he had a work call at 9. we finished at 8:45ish. he asked me how i was getting home because of his call and such.
so, i put on my clothes and called a cab. he didn't even wait with me while the cab came.
i feel kind of empty inside...something i never felt after sex with dk.
he cuddles me and we talk and he insists that i spend the night. i've never really had sex and bounced immediately afterward.
i called dk when i got home and i wanted to talk to him but i got a feeling he didn't want to talk to me. he was like..
dk: how was your week?
me: crazy...yours?
dk: mine was good. why was it crazy?
me: i buried my grandmother.
dk: oh yea, how was that?
me:: i'll call you back later.
how was burying my grandmother?
it was freakin awesome!!!
how can someone be so tender and yet so clueless at the same time?
i want brock's sex game with dk's cuddle sessions and the ability to feel comfortable talking.
and dates. lots and lots of dates......
i was talking to my aunt about men because she asked me why don't i have a bf. i said, i'm sick of games. i'm too old to be wasting my time on dead-end relationships. i want a family.
my aunt is almost 50. she's dating a younger man, he's 42. she was talking to me about the same shit i blog about. she said...26, 32, 42, 60...they all do the same shit.
how depressing is that!!?!
my friends were all over the place this week. i felt very much alone 90% of the time. i guess i just need to get used to it. grandma's best friend is still alive. they weren't holding hands in the casket. born alone. die alone yes? yes.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Just Stop It
I did the Tour de Brooklyn on Sunday. It was an amazing experience riding my bike through different sections of the borough, many of which, I'd never experienced first-hand. The entire tour was 21.5 miles...halfway through, I felt cramping and fatigue. The last 5 miles, I just couldn't do. I think there's something wrong with my bike...I was pedaling fast, I just wasn't going anywhere. Would I do it again? I'm not sure, I would have to condition myself better and definitely work on getting a faster bike/fixing the one I have. It was a lovely day nonetheless....
Today, I saw the Snow White movie. Curiousity killed the cat. I hate Kristen Stewart. She is not a "rare beauty."....at least not to me. Charlize Theron was awesome though. The whole movie I was just like...for reals? Kristen is supposed to be more beautiful than Charlize? Word? And Kristen is not the best actress either. But, go see it and judge for yourselves.
SO.......when I sent DK the email, I sent him a text asking him if he got it. That message went unanswered. I deleted his number and all the text messages the next day when I didn't hear back.
Tonight (Monday night), I get a text.
DK: Yes, I got your email
(the one I sent on May 27th. Today is June 4th *side eye*)
Me: ...and, that's all you have to say?
DK: What do you want me to say? You've already made your decision.
Me: I wanted you to acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted you to say that it's not okay that from this moment on, I won't be apart of your life. I guess I wanted something from you that you can't or won't give me.
45 minutes go by.
Me: I don't know what the point was of telling me you got the email if you weren't going to address anything in it.
10 minutes go by.
Me: Anyway, good you got it. Now you can forget you ever met me. There's nothing left to say.
The last message was super emo. I know. But, for real though?
I'm so tired of wanting things from people and never getting it.
My mom spent the week in North Carolina. Firstly, I didn't know she was leaving. She told me months ago about her various summer trips. Memorial Day was on the list but she never told me when she was leaving and how long she'd be away. I get a random text from her saying: "No one needs to know I'm not home and can you take out the garbage on Thursday night for me please."
Thursday, I came home and someone had already taken the garbage out (or so I thought.)
I keep my bike at her place because my apartment is small and there's no room for it plus, I'd have to lift it up and down stairs every time I wanted to ride. I was exhausted from the ride, so I just placed it where I could and left.
She came home yesterday. After I spent the day with BFF, running errands, watching the movie and stuff....I said, "Let me go see my mom."
I came in. She was in the bed.
Me: Heeeeeelllllloooooooo
Mom: *curt* Hi. How come you didn't take the garbage out like I asked you to? I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't do it but let (BFF) or (Twin) call, you'll drop everything to be with them. And why is that bike in the middle of the floor? Hunh?
Me: .....
Mom: NINA, YOU HEAR ME?
Me: Yes....
Mom: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: I'll go move the bike.
>>>Man, I was so mentally drained. I walked into a verbal ambush that I was completely not prepared for.<<<<
I moved the bike and left without saying another word.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Who comes back from a week's vacation with their man so angry?
I just can't.
My mom only contacts me when she wants me to do something. God forbid, I don't do it or I don't do it to her liking. I want for her to just call me and ask me how I'm doing...what's going on in my life....how am I feeling...what can she do for me?
What did I say earlier in the post? I'm tired of wanting things from people they just can't or won't give me.
They say, it is insanity to do the same action over and over again and expect different results. I must be out of my fucking mind!
I am so tired of fighting.
I can't do it anymore.
Today, I saw the Snow White movie. Curiousity killed the cat. I hate Kristen Stewart. She is not a "rare beauty."....at least not to me. Charlize Theron was awesome though. The whole movie I was just like...for reals? Kristen is supposed to be more beautiful than Charlize? Word? And Kristen is not the best actress either. But, go see it and judge for yourselves.
SO.......when I sent DK the email, I sent him a text asking him if he got it. That message went unanswered. I deleted his number and all the text messages the next day when I didn't hear back.
Tonight (Monday night), I get a text.
DK: Yes, I got your email
(the one I sent on May 27th. Today is June 4th *side eye*)
Me: ...and, that's all you have to say?
DK: What do you want me to say? You've already made your decision.
Me: I wanted you to acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted you to say that it's not okay that from this moment on, I won't be apart of your life. I guess I wanted something from you that you can't or won't give me.
45 minutes go by.
Me: I don't know what the point was of telling me you got the email if you weren't going to address anything in it.
10 minutes go by.
Me: Anyway, good you got it. Now you can forget you ever met me. There's nothing left to say.
The last message was super emo. I know. But, for real though?
I'm so tired of wanting things from people and never getting it.
My mom spent the week in North Carolina. Firstly, I didn't know she was leaving. She told me months ago about her various summer trips. Memorial Day was on the list but she never told me when she was leaving and how long she'd be away. I get a random text from her saying: "No one needs to know I'm not home and can you take out the garbage on Thursday night for me please."
Thursday, I came home and someone had already taken the garbage out (or so I thought.)
I keep my bike at her place because my apartment is small and there's no room for it plus, I'd have to lift it up and down stairs every time I wanted to ride. I was exhausted from the ride, so I just placed it where I could and left.
She came home yesterday. After I spent the day with BFF, running errands, watching the movie and stuff....I said, "Let me go see my mom."
I came in. She was in the bed.
Me: Heeeeeelllllloooooooo
Mom: *curt* Hi. How come you didn't take the garbage out like I asked you to? I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't do it but let (BFF) or (Twin) call, you'll drop everything to be with them. And why is that bike in the middle of the floor? Hunh?
Me: .....
Mom: NINA, YOU HEAR ME?
Me: Yes....
Mom: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: I'll go move the bike.
>>>Man, I was so mentally drained. I walked into a verbal ambush that I was completely not prepared for.<<<<
I moved the bike and left without saying another word.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Who comes back from a week's vacation with their man so angry?
I just can't.
My mom only contacts me when she wants me to do something. God forbid, I don't do it or I don't do it to her liking. I want for her to just call me and ask me how I'm doing...what's going on in my life....how am I feeling...what can she do for me?
What did I say earlier in the post? I'm tired of wanting things from people they just can't or won't give me.
They say, it is insanity to do the same action over and over again and expect different results. I must be out of my fucking mind!
I am so tired of fighting.
I can't do it anymore.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
significant
my pastor said in sermon yesterday,
"the unmet needs of a child become the agenda of the adult."
i've been trying to figure out my unment needs...because i feel like i had what i needed but then this whole aussie thing has shown me that is definitely not the case.
then it hit me. the issue with dk. the issue with aussie. the issue in most of my recent relationships have been me not feeling like the SIGNIFICANT other. lack of communication. lack of affection...it made me feel unimportant.
like the non motha-fn factor.
when my dad got sick, the whole family came to him and made him priorty#1 from ages 9-13, it was all about my dad - hospital visits, doctor's visits, dialysis...the works...and then when he died...everyone just kind of did their own thing. i acted out...in a big way. i wrote suicide notes, i stole like $300 from my dad and spent it on food at the mall and dumb shit, i lost my virginity, i had older boys calling the house when NO Boys were allowed to call me and my parents really didn't do much. they yelled. they grounded me...but they never sat me down and talked to me.
after a while, i told myself it didn't matter and i built a wall where my mom still can't get through. i mean, who finds a suicide note than an 11 year old wrote and makes it about them? ("how dare you put this stress on me?")
but evidently, that little girl who needed love and attention is just an angry 25 year old woman seeking the same thing. so now that i know this, what am i supposed to do? its still a void. its still a need. am i supposed to suppress it or control it? i don't really know.
"the unmet needs of a child become the agenda of the adult."
i've been trying to figure out my unment needs...because i feel like i had what i needed but then this whole aussie thing has shown me that is definitely not the case.
then it hit me. the issue with dk. the issue with aussie. the issue in most of my recent relationships have been me not feeling like the SIGNIFICANT other. lack of communication. lack of affection...it made me feel unimportant.
like the non motha-fn factor.
when my dad got sick, the whole family came to him and made him priorty#1 from ages 9-13, it was all about my dad - hospital visits, doctor's visits, dialysis...the works...and then when he died...everyone just kind of did their own thing. i acted out...in a big way. i wrote suicide notes, i stole like $300 from my dad and spent it on food at the mall and dumb shit, i lost my virginity, i had older boys calling the house when NO Boys were allowed to call me and my parents really didn't do much. they yelled. they grounded me...but they never sat me down and talked to me.
after a while, i told myself it didn't matter and i built a wall where my mom still can't get through. i mean, who finds a suicide note than an 11 year old wrote and makes it about them? ("how dare you put this stress on me?")
but evidently, that little girl who needed love and attention is just an angry 25 year old woman seeking the same thing. so now that i know this, what am i supposed to do? its still a void. its still a need. am i supposed to suppress it or control it? i don't really know.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
stream of consciousness
this weekend was bff's baby shower. it all came together very beautifully. she almost cried at how we decorated and she got SO.MUCH.STUFF. i would love to have a baby shower without the baby.i got up at 7am. i got home at 12am. i was soo tired. my body hurts. i hate certain people right now but she was happy so its all good.
thinking about dk and how much things change when people have sex. i'm wondering if i'm even ready to take that step or if i'm listening to my hormones. there are things he doesn't do that bothers me. such as...i can tell he's not big on pda. i reach for his hand. i initiate kisses in public but in private he's all over me. i get it. but private pda leads to other things. i just like affection. also, our communication sucks. i get that he's busy but ugh! i am not a phone person but i would appreciate if 90% of our communication did not occur via text. "people" generally say that my method of communicating what i want is aggressive and blunt. how do i say what i want (and get it) without being bitchy?
so....i'm checking my fb and guess who friend requested me...THE NIGERIAN. what an asshole! i told bff, he's like michael meyers as jason. you burn him, you cut him up...he still comes out of the water to kill again. my first inclination was to curse him out but then i thought...that's exactly what he wants...he wants me to engage him because it gives him an in to try and charm his way back in. no way jose. fuck off.
the brit (my uk friend how stayed with me last summer for a month, was messy and caused a mouse problem) called and text me yesterday. every african person i've met have been the most persistent people i know. it is super positive when they're in business or have a goal in mind but super annoying when they've offended you and you just want them to take a long walk on a short bridge and they just refuse to do so. (the brit is from ghana but grew up in paris and london)
speaking of africans, dk gets sorta offended when i ask about nigeria.
i asked how he got around the city after he told me a story about how his sister hit someone when she was driving one time. i asked if he drove everywhere, walked or took public transportation. the look he gave me..JESUS! i said.. "look..i've never been to africa and i'm genuinely interested in what its like there. stop waiting for me to say something ignorant about your country or your continent. sheesh!" that seemed to ease him up a bit. he told me about the bus system in nigeria which apparently isn't that great. lol. i told him about the bus system in bermuda which i've never been on because it costs $5 to get on the damn bus. i'd rather walk. thankyouverymuch.
my mom says she's in mourning and doesn't want to speak to anyone really. she hasn't been to church since my aunt passed and she just wants to sell everything and move down south. i have no clue what to say to her. so, i'm letting her ride it out. sometime this week, i'll schedule an intervention.
not to brag but..i've beat jake at scrabble 6 times in a row. he says i'm the only one he hasn't beaten and he's determined to play me until he beats me. the friend in me says to let him win but the competitor says...hell no!i am getting tired of winning though but his tenacity is amazing.
i lost my part-time job. my boss' boss said he didn't need me. i kind of knew it on thursday when he told me not to come in on friday but i'm hoping i got the job i interviewed for on friday although the pay sucks monkey balls. *sigh*
my driving lessons are going well. i'm getting the hang of it. i just need to practice more which means i need to get someone to let me practice with their vehicle. i want my license by september 5th!!!
money is funny and it aint no joke. bff's baby shower gift was $80! baby shit is expensive, i got her a pack of 94 diapers, 3-pack of baby wipes, 3-pack of receiving blankets, baby shampoo, baby lotion and diaper rash cream. i didn't realize it would be so much but i wanted to make sure she got something she could use.plus there were unexpected expenses.like..hey someone run out and get some fruit juice for the punch or chocolate for a game or more ribbon. smh. now, i'm trying to do some creative accounting to get a mani-pedi tomorrow. my feet feel like hell and who knew you're not supposed to leave your pedi bean in the shower. the thing smell like a body decomposing after a while. and, umm, i want to get waxed... *giggles* when you know company is coming over, you mow the lawn, right? i now KNOW i won't have a job so...yea, that gets tricky.
that is all for now. hope your weekend was fab!
thinking about dk and how much things change when people have sex. i'm wondering if i'm even ready to take that step or if i'm listening to my hormones. there are things he doesn't do that bothers me. such as...i can tell he's not big on pda. i reach for his hand. i initiate kisses in public but in private he's all over me. i get it. but private pda leads to other things. i just like affection. also, our communication sucks. i get that he's busy but ugh! i am not a phone person but i would appreciate if 90% of our communication did not occur via text. "people" generally say that my method of communicating what i want is aggressive and blunt. how do i say what i want (and get it) without being bitchy?
so....i'm checking my fb and guess who friend requested me...THE NIGERIAN. what an asshole! i told bff, he's like michael meyers as jason. you burn him, you cut him up...he still comes out of the water to kill again. my first inclination was to curse him out but then i thought...that's exactly what he wants...he wants me to engage him because it gives him an in to try and charm his way back in. no way jose. fuck off.
the brit (my uk friend how stayed with me last summer for a month, was messy and caused a mouse problem) called and text me yesterday. every african person i've met have been the most persistent people i know. it is super positive when they're in business or have a goal in mind but super annoying when they've offended you and you just want them to take a long walk on a short bridge and they just refuse to do so. (the brit is from ghana but grew up in paris and london)
speaking of africans, dk gets sorta offended when i ask about nigeria.
i asked how he got around the city after he told me a story about how his sister hit someone when she was driving one time. i asked if he drove everywhere, walked or took public transportation. the look he gave me..JESUS! i said.. "look..i've never been to africa and i'm genuinely interested in what its like there. stop waiting for me to say something ignorant about your country or your continent. sheesh!" that seemed to ease him up a bit. he told me about the bus system in nigeria which apparently isn't that great. lol. i told him about the bus system in bermuda which i've never been on because it costs $5 to get on the damn bus. i'd rather walk. thankyouverymuch.
my mom says she's in mourning and doesn't want to speak to anyone really. she hasn't been to church since my aunt passed and she just wants to sell everything and move down south. i have no clue what to say to her. so, i'm letting her ride it out. sometime this week, i'll schedule an intervention.
not to brag but..i've beat jake at scrabble 6 times in a row. he says i'm the only one he hasn't beaten and he's determined to play me until he beats me. the friend in me says to let him win but the competitor says...hell no!i am getting tired of winning though but his tenacity is amazing.
i lost my part-time job. my boss' boss said he didn't need me. i kind of knew it on thursday when he told me not to come in on friday but i'm hoping i got the job i interviewed for on friday although the pay sucks monkey balls. *sigh*
my driving lessons are going well. i'm getting the hang of it. i just need to practice more which means i need to get someone to let me practice with their vehicle. i want my license by september 5th!!!
money is funny and it aint no joke. bff's baby shower gift was $80! baby shit is expensive, i got her a pack of 94 diapers, 3-pack of baby wipes, 3-pack of receiving blankets, baby shampoo, baby lotion and diaper rash cream. i didn't realize it would be so much but i wanted to make sure she got something she could use.plus there were unexpected expenses.like..hey someone run out and get some fruit juice for the punch or chocolate for a game or more ribbon. smh. now, i'm trying to do some creative accounting to get a mani-pedi tomorrow. my feet feel like hell and who knew you're not supposed to leave your pedi bean in the shower. the thing smell like a body decomposing after a while. and, umm, i want to get waxed... *giggles* when you know company is coming over, you mow the lawn, right? i now KNOW i won't have a job so...yea, that gets tricky.
that is all for now. hope your weekend was fab!
Friday, June 3, 2011
le sigh
my aunt passed away this morning.
what do you say about death? my mom called and left me a message to tell me. i didn't listen to the message. i just called her back. in retrospect, that was a bad idea. i called her like.."hey what's up?" then she puts my cousin on the phone and i say,
"there's nothing anyone will say to make you feel better. your mom is okay. everything is going to be okay. the pain you're going through will not go away magically but the pain will be less sharp. you will be fine."
not sure if those are sage words. everyone always calls me like..i know what to say when a parent dies. i don't.
i carried on with my work day and the magic hour came and i got paid.
*cue disco ball*
i called around to driving schools and found a school that charges $185 for 5 (1-hour) lessons. Most schools give 45 minute lessons...me (and my weekly earnings) went and paid for the lessons. i felt like such a grown up. (look at me doing what i've been wanting to do since the beginning of time) i got home and called the refrigerator repair guy. in 20 minutes (and much picking up of shoes that rocky had eaten) later, he came to tell me my motor was broken and i need a new fridge.
mom called to tell me she needs money. she had to buy clothes. she expected to be down south for a weekend..a week later, she's still looking at another week.
my driving lessons seem less important...as say...giving my mother money or buying a mini-fridge (which costs the same amount of money)
i felt foolish.
until...i realize. heyyyy..wait a damn minute....i had to buy lessons because NO ONE will teach me. (not even my mom). I've been wanting to buy lessons since MARCH. it is JUNE. i worked hard all week...specifically for this purpose and damn it! i will rock those lessons!
i hung out with DK on Wednesday. this guy...something is missing. i keep telling myself...but i can't figure out what. he's super easy to be around and talk to. there's attraction. there's passion. there's also a sensibility. i feel comfortable sleeping with him right now (kinda..always have that puritan guilt) but i like waiting. HE wants to wait. i offered for him to come over and he said no. he wanted to wait. *grins* there's so much we don't know about each other. how do older people do it? get to know each other...date. it feels like the other person had this WHOLE LIFE before you. i guess, they go into it knowing they can't know all the details about the other person.
i am enjoying this time when i discover new things i like about him.
like...
i like that he is super nerdy by accident. he's a computer engineering student but he's working in IT already. wednesday, he had his backpack with all his computer parts and he was telling me about his day. super nerdy. i was like "oh yea, defragment my hard drive baby..." lol..i'm super nerdy as well.
i like that he's honest. i realize that americans like things in a cute little package (how japanese of us). specifically, we like the truth wrapped in a jasmine scented bow. people who are not american (*ahem* nigerian men) tell you things like i don't know.... "your butt is huge but i like it." or "your breasts are in my face." *adjusts shirt* "they are stilll in my face because they are big. its okay. don't worry." with a big smile on their face. it is the truth but it kinda makes you go "damn...can i get a euphemism?" there is no gray area. he said, "nina, i like you. i am also sexually attracted to you. you smell nice." - not in one sentence but several sentences sprinkled in a conversation. gray areas for me cause anxiety. my whole relationship with the nigerian was freakin gray. yes, spell things out for me!!
i like that i can be myself. yes, i want to look good but i don't feel like that's all he sees. yes, i'm on my best behavior still but i can still say whatever i want to say. i can breathe.
anyways...see what i did there? i distracted myself from death and not having anything cold to drink in the house (sans tap water) so..i like that he does that. lol "oh yea baby...distract me...rarr"
what do you say about death? my mom called and left me a message to tell me. i didn't listen to the message. i just called her back. in retrospect, that was a bad idea. i called her like.."hey what's up?" then she puts my cousin on the phone and i say,
"there's nothing anyone will say to make you feel better. your mom is okay. everything is going to be okay. the pain you're going through will not go away magically but the pain will be less sharp. you will be fine."
not sure if those are sage words. everyone always calls me like..i know what to say when a parent dies. i don't.
i carried on with my work day and the magic hour came and i got paid.
*cue disco ball*
i called around to driving schools and found a school that charges $185 for 5 (1-hour) lessons. Most schools give 45 minute lessons...me (and my weekly earnings) went and paid for the lessons. i felt like such a grown up. (look at me doing what i've been wanting to do since the beginning of time) i got home and called the refrigerator repair guy. in 20 minutes (and much picking up of shoes that rocky had eaten) later, he came to tell me my motor was broken and i need a new fridge.
mom called to tell me she needs money. she had to buy clothes. she expected to be down south for a weekend..a week later, she's still looking at another week.
my driving lessons seem less important...as say...giving my mother money or buying a mini-fridge (which costs the same amount of money)
i felt foolish.
until...i realize. heyyyy..wait a damn minute....i had to buy lessons because NO ONE will teach me. (not even my mom). I've been wanting to buy lessons since MARCH. it is JUNE. i worked hard all week...specifically for this purpose and damn it! i will rock those lessons!
i hung out with DK on Wednesday. this guy...something is missing. i keep telling myself...but i can't figure out what. he's super easy to be around and talk to. there's attraction. there's passion. there's also a sensibility. i feel comfortable sleeping with him right now (kinda..always have that puritan guilt) but i like waiting. HE wants to wait. i offered for him to come over and he said no. he wanted to wait. *grins* there's so much we don't know about each other. how do older people do it? get to know each other...date. it feels like the other person had this WHOLE LIFE before you. i guess, they go into it knowing they can't know all the details about the other person.
i am enjoying this time when i discover new things i like about him.
like...
i like that he is super nerdy by accident. he's a computer engineering student but he's working in IT already. wednesday, he had his backpack with all his computer parts and he was telling me about his day. super nerdy. i was like "oh yea, defragment my hard drive baby..." lol..i'm super nerdy as well.
i like that he's honest. i realize that americans like things in a cute little package (how japanese of us). specifically, we like the truth wrapped in a jasmine scented bow. people who are not american (*ahem* nigerian men) tell you things like i don't know.... "your butt is huge but i like it." or "your breasts are in my face." *adjusts shirt* "they are stilll in my face because they are big. its okay. don't worry." with a big smile on their face. it is the truth but it kinda makes you go "damn...can i get a euphemism?" there is no gray area. he said, "nina, i like you. i am also sexually attracted to you. you smell nice." - not in one sentence but several sentences sprinkled in a conversation. gray areas for me cause anxiety. my whole relationship with the nigerian was freakin gray. yes, spell things out for me!!
i like that i can be myself. yes, i want to look good but i don't feel like that's all he sees. yes, i'm on my best behavior still but i can still say whatever i want to say. i can breathe.
anyways...see what i did there? i distracted myself from death and not having anything cold to drink in the house (sans tap water) so..i like that he does that. lol "oh yea baby...distract me...rarr"
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Sunday/Monday
I wake up determined to focus on what God has to say to me. Surely, it has to be some type of balm to ease the stress of what I'm going through.
I go to church looking and feeling good. I know God's got my back.
I go to 9am service. At 10:30, I am walking in my door. BFF called and we decide to brunch. I change my clothes..still feeling foxy..I put on this flowy dress I got from Target, bright orange clutch, wood jewelry and my Jesus sandals from last year.
I liked my face in person but I kept photographing how I felt...hot..sweaty and a little tired.
(photos removed)
We brunch. We talk about the boys in our lives, childbirth, the usual. I then help BFF do some grocery shopping because she's preggo and needs all the motivation to do something productive she can get.
Later, I take Rocky for a walk in the park where he gets tired out (!!) by a Pomeranian who he desperately tries to hump.
All is well.
Monday.
I do NOTHING.
I get up. Shower and park my ass on my mom's couch. I stay there intermittently between walking Rocky and eating. I get a call later in the day. My mom's oldest sister's heart stopped. They were able to revive her but its not looking good.
Mom's going to stay in Charlotte until her sister's out of the woods.
As soon as I hang up with my mom, J calls. Our friend who has been in the ICU since last week has taken a turn for the worst. Doctors are looking grim. Oh and my grandma is also in the hospital.
AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I go to church looking and feeling good. I know God's got my back.
I go to 9am service. At 10:30, I am walking in my door. BFF called and we decide to brunch. I change my clothes..still feeling foxy..I put on this flowy dress I got from Target, bright orange clutch, wood jewelry and my Jesus sandals from last year.
I liked my face in person but I kept photographing how I felt...hot..sweaty and a little tired.
(photos removed)
We brunch. We talk about the boys in our lives, childbirth, the usual. I then help BFF do some grocery shopping because she's preggo and needs all the motivation to do something productive she can get.
Later, I take Rocky for a walk in the park where he gets tired out (!!) by a Pomeranian who he desperately tries to hump.
All is well.
Monday.
I do NOTHING.
I get up. Shower and park my ass on my mom's couch. I stay there intermittently between walking Rocky and eating. I get a call later in the day. My mom's oldest sister's heart stopped. They were able to revive her but its not looking good.
Mom's going to stay in Charlotte until her sister's out of the woods.
As soon as I hang up with my mom, J calls. Our friend who has been in the ICU since last week has taken a turn for the worst. Doctors are looking grim. Oh and my grandma is also in the hospital.
AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
friday/saturday
My boss placed my weekly earnings on the table in front of me and that Just Got Paid song instantly sang in my mind. I raced home, walked the dog, showered, changed and rode the iron horse up to Harlem for Editor's birthday dinner. I gave this nice peachy glowy makeup look which fit her soft beige tutu and lace shirt outfit very well.
OMG!! The weather is spectacular right now! It was warm enough to be out in a leopard dress with a black flowy top over it and not catch a chill once. I had on some killer (literally...the killed me!) 5in black pumps on. We ate at a Brazilian restaurant and the perused the city for some stuff to do.
Bored ass adults are just as bad as bored ass kids.
Editor and MF (a friend of hers) smoked weed in a back corner while I do what I do best...take pictures of myself and get other people to take pics of me too. lol
We ended up at a predominantly white club called Lair in the city where and Indian dude pushed up on me and the host kept moving us out of "private" areas so...we left. I took a cab home and all was well. We had a freakin blast!
(Pics will be taken down on Friday)
OMG!! The weather is spectacular right now! It was warm enough to be out in a leopard dress with a black flowy top over it and not catch a chill once. I had on some killer (literally...the killed me!) 5in black pumps on. We ate at a Brazilian restaurant and the perused the city for some stuff to do.
Bored ass adults are just as bad as bored ass kids.
Editor and MF (a friend of hers) smoked weed in a back corner while I do what I do best...take pictures of myself and get other people to take pics of me too. lol
We ended up at a predominantly white club called Lair in the city where and Indian dude pushed up on me and the host kept moving us out of "private" areas so...we left. I took a cab home and all was well. We had a freakin blast!
(Pics will be taken down on Friday)
A Saint Anthony shrine in Little Italy. I have no clue who Saint Anthony is but his shrine is pretty.
(photos removed)
I get home late. Wake up early and go to dance rehearsal. I go to get some ice cubes for a drink when I come home and all the food in my freezer/refrigerator has gone bad.
I had no time to clean everything out because we have a big dance to do this Sunday so...I rush out to dance rehearsal. I come home and clean everything out.
I call my mom to tell her what's up.
"Why did you call me about this? What can I do?"
"Can you give me the number to the refrigerator guy?"
She asks me about money. I get upset. We argue. I hang up on her. She calls back. I ignore her. I cry. I call BFF. I cry some more.
An hour later...she gives me the damn number! I call. He doesn't pick up.
I become numb.
I am tired of asking her to be something to be me she just can't be. I am tired of always being strong and stoic. I resolve in my mind...that nothing matters. I stop crying, clean everything and go to bed in a semi-numb stupor.
Friday, May 20, 2011
quickie
After that post yesterday and all the love I felt for my pup...today, we're not on speaking terms. I was supposed to meet mom at 6:00 and at 5:53, I was still deciding between pants or the skirt...Needless to say, I was running out of the door. I left my makeup bag with the brand new brushes, some of the clothes I was trying on and random accessories on my bed. Rocky chewed up 3 of the brushes, had my bra wrapped around his body and was chewing on a necklace when I walked through the door in my living room. So, he carried each brush, carried my bra and carried the necklace from the back of my apartment to the front and was having a grand ole time...while his toys were just laying around.
Oh hell nawl.
I was so mad at him! I picked up the brush with the worst damage in one hand and him in the other. "Look at this." He kept turning his head. I wasn't moving. He looked at it and I popped him on the nose.
Whew! If he were human, I would've beat him with my belt.
MAYUN!
So, I'm not speaking to him for the night. My bedroom door is and will remain closeed. Usually, he's so adorable....I can't stay mad at him for long...but I'm in that time where your body rewards you for not getting knocked up and I'm extra emotional. Especially about brushes that I haven't used yet and not being allowed to rush out the house and leave my things out.
before ya'll go on and say...he's a puppy. I know he's a puppy. he's a baby. he's a child..wah wah wah...i can still be ticked off when he destroys things that I love because he's bored.
Oh hell nawl.
I was so mad at him! I picked up the brush with the worst damage in one hand and him in the other. "Look at this." He kept turning his head. I wasn't moving. He looked at it and I popped him on the nose.
Whew! If he were human, I would've beat him with my belt.
MAYUN!
So, I'm not speaking to him for the night. My bedroom door is and will remain closeed. Usually, he's so adorable....I can't stay mad at him for long...but I'm in that time where your body rewards you for not getting knocked up and I'm extra emotional. Especially about brushes that I haven't used yet and not being allowed to rush out the house and leave my things out.
before ya'll go on and say...he's a puppy. I know he's a puppy. he's a baby. he's a child..wah wah wah...i can still be ticked off when he destroys things that I love because he's bored.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
puppy love.
For Monique (pics of Rocky aka Sir Rockefeller Petite, Master of Destruction)
When I first got him in February. He was a little over 2 months old...its hard to remember he was so tiny back then.
(debating on if i should keep this pic up...i was experimenting with big diana ross hair at the time and half my face is covered...we'll see)
(he was so tiny...this isn't his bed. we went to visit my friend and her dog who was twice rocky's size and rocky...tired of playing went to sleep in the dog's bed. he was NOT happy and kept barking at rocky who was so nonchalant about it. this is the ONLY time he's slept in a dog bed. he had a dog bed at home for months before i put it in the closet because he never slept in it.)
At 4 months
(he's officially #teambadass...he's such a happy dog. his tongue is always out as proven by 90% of his pictures) 
(he was so skinny but you couldn't tell because he was fluffy)
(my fave pic of him)
At 5 months
(We'd just gotten back from the groomer)
(How he got the name Master of Destruction. This is part of my living room floor. When I left the house it was clean. When I got home this is what I found: my bra, pair of boots, 1 shoe, a hat, tissue everywhere, stocking and 2 dvds. what was he doing with the dvds? did he watch them and forget to put them back?)
When I first got him in February. He was a little over 2 months old...its hard to remember he was so tiny back then.
(debating on if i should keep this pic up...i was experimenting with big diana ross hair at the time and half my face is covered...we'll see) (he was so tiny...this isn't his bed. we went to visit my friend and her dog who was twice rocky's size and rocky...tired of playing went to sleep in the dog's bed. he was NOT happy and kept barking at rocky who was so nonchalant about it. this is the ONLY time he's slept in a dog bed. he had a dog bed at home for months before i put it in the closet because he never slept in it.)At 4 months
(he's officially #teambadass...he's such a happy dog. his tongue is always out as proven by 90% of his pictures) (he was so skinny but you couldn't tell because he was fluffy)(my fave pic of him)At 5 months
(We'd just gotten back from the groomer)(perspective shot...so you can see how big/small he is)
(my snuggle bunny...after his morning wakeup call)
(my snuggle bunny...after his morning wakeup call) 
(How he got the name Master of Destruction. This is part of my living room floor. When I left the house it was clean. When I got home this is what I found: my bra, pair of boots, 1 shoe, a hat, tissue everywhere, stocking and 2 dvds. what was he doing with the dvds? did he watch them and forget to put them back?)Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
I woke up this morning and was preparing my underthings for my shower and walking near my new dressers, my foot said "Squish," right into a puddle of canary yellow urine that Rocky left for me. Although I thought of it as his way of saying, "Happy Mother's Day," I still showed him the puddle and popped him on his nose.
I wish I didn't feel so much angst today. I really hate every holiday that requires me to give my mom a gift. I wish I could love to lavish her with gifts from the part of my heart that gives dollars to people begging on the train. The part that swells with kindness and compassion that signals to the part of the brain that says..."This person really appreciates this dollar. They didn't expect it. They are grateful." Mom is not grateful. Last year, I made her a lovely tasty dinner. I made salmon, steamed broccoli with cheese sauce and arroz con maiz (yellow rice with tomato and other veggies in it). For dessert, her favorite ice cream in a fancy glass all served to her while she watched some TV as if I were a waitress. She said she liked it but a few months later, said, "Why didn't you take me out for Mother's Day?"
"I cooked for you. You said you liked it."
"I did but you could've taken me out."
I was hurt and slightly embarassed.
So, this year...I could've done more. I didn't plan properly for this stupid holiday. I did actually see things that I liked and would've made her smile but no, I didn't get it. I coould've sacrificed a little here, penny-pinched there. I could've gone out of my way over there...but I didn't because I didn't want to do it and then have her throw it in my face. She bought me a ticket for her church's Mother's Day dinner and text me on Friday saying that she'd done so. Firstly, I HATE her church. It starts at 10am. You leave at 2:30. The preachers aren't quite articulate at times. It angers me to spend hours upon hours in church getting nothing out of it. I went last week because she got ordained but going feels like an obligation. Secondly, going means I have to smile at people and make faux conversation and hear how my mom is more of a mother to other people than to me. How she listens to them patiently and counsels them...how she checks up on them and makes sure they're okay and listen to them tell me how if she does that for them, a mere stranger, how I must have the greatest mother in the world.
Yes..the greatest mother in the world wouldn't even take down her air freshener that caused me to cough painfully and incessantly when I was sick in September just because she didn't want to...and told me its her house, if I didn't like it, I have my own apartment.
I told her, "Honestly, I do not like your church. I would rather go to my own church." She said she understood. Right. And so the message today at my church was about parenting. My pastor used the parable of the prodigal son to illustrate how parents should raise their children. Brief recap: 1)they should raise them to be able to make choices. 2) to understand the each choice has consequences and 3)they should have compassion. The last one he said that when you lack compassion when raising your child, you make them indifferent. That child will tell other children's parents good news about school or something they've achieved and tell you "oh, it was fine." How do you lack compassion as a parent? Well, you tell them that nothing is good enough. They come and spend all day Sunday with you and you tell them they should've come on Saturday. They cook you dinner on Thursday. You tell them you have to eat on Friday too. Indifferent chilren know they can't please you so they don't even try. He also says what usually happens is that the older you get, the less they want to be around you. It was like he was reading my mind.
And so I got home, ate, fell asleep and I called her at around 6:46 when I woke up.
Conversation goes like this:
Happy Mother's Day.
Oh you finally remembered me?
When I woke up you'd already left for church.Oh
How was the dinner?Really really beautiful and so delicious!
That's nice.
Yea, I'm so tired.
Okay.Okay.
*click*
I keep thinking about how one day she won't be here and how I should work through my own issues because she's not going to change. I should press through whatever barriers I have and fake it. Make her feel whatever..but I can't.
Maybe one day, I'll regret it. Maybe one day, I'll be less indifferent.
Maybe.
I wish I didn't feel so much angst today. I really hate every holiday that requires me to give my mom a gift. I wish I could love to lavish her with gifts from the part of my heart that gives dollars to people begging on the train. The part that swells with kindness and compassion that signals to the part of the brain that says..."This person really appreciates this dollar. They didn't expect it. They are grateful." Mom is not grateful. Last year, I made her a lovely tasty dinner. I made salmon, steamed broccoli with cheese sauce and arroz con maiz (yellow rice with tomato and other veggies in it). For dessert, her favorite ice cream in a fancy glass all served to her while she watched some TV as if I were a waitress. She said she liked it but a few months later, said, "Why didn't you take me out for Mother's Day?"
"I cooked for you. You said you liked it."
"I did but you could've taken me out."
I was hurt and slightly embarassed.
So, this year...I could've done more. I didn't plan properly for this stupid holiday. I did actually see things that I liked and would've made her smile but no, I didn't get it. I coould've sacrificed a little here, penny-pinched there. I could've gone out of my way over there...but I didn't because I didn't want to do it and then have her throw it in my face. She bought me a ticket for her church's Mother's Day dinner and text me on Friday saying that she'd done so. Firstly, I HATE her church. It starts at 10am. You leave at 2:30. The preachers aren't quite articulate at times. It angers me to spend hours upon hours in church getting nothing out of it. I went last week because she got ordained but going feels like an obligation. Secondly, going means I have to smile at people and make faux conversation and hear how my mom is more of a mother to other people than to me. How she listens to them patiently and counsels them...how she checks up on them and makes sure they're okay and listen to them tell me how if she does that for them, a mere stranger, how I must have the greatest mother in the world.
Yes..the greatest mother in the world wouldn't even take down her air freshener that caused me to cough painfully and incessantly when I was sick in September just because she didn't want to...and told me its her house, if I didn't like it, I have my own apartment.
I told her, "Honestly, I do not like your church. I would rather go to my own church." She said she understood. Right. And so the message today at my church was about parenting. My pastor used the parable of the prodigal son to illustrate how parents should raise their children. Brief recap: 1)they should raise them to be able to make choices. 2) to understand the each choice has consequences and 3)they should have compassion. The last one he said that when you lack compassion when raising your child, you make them indifferent. That child will tell other children's parents good news about school or something they've achieved and tell you "oh, it was fine." How do you lack compassion as a parent? Well, you tell them that nothing is good enough. They come and spend all day Sunday with you and you tell them they should've come on Saturday. They cook you dinner on Thursday. You tell them you have to eat on Friday too. Indifferent chilren know they can't please you so they don't even try. He also says what usually happens is that the older you get, the less they want to be around you. It was like he was reading my mind.
And so I got home, ate, fell asleep and I called her at around 6:46 when I woke up.
Conversation goes like this:
Happy Mother's Day.
Oh you finally remembered me?
When I woke up you'd already left for church.Oh
How was the dinner?Really really beautiful and so delicious!
That's nice.
Yea, I'm so tired.
Okay.Okay.
*click*
I keep thinking about how one day she won't be here and how I should work through my own issues because she's not going to change. I should press through whatever barriers I have and fake it. Make her feel whatever..but I can't.
Maybe one day, I'll regret it. Maybe one day, I'll be less indifferent.
Maybe.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
boo. hiss. boo.
Part of me doesn't want to talk about what I'm thinking/feeling right now but what else is new?
Half.com is the beez knees. I was shopping around for all 5/6 seasons of House on DVD. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Its so witty and smart and interesting.
Anywhosies, I bought the 1st season from Target on sale for $12 during Black Friday. Regular price is $45. I got season 2 from half.com for $10 including shipping. Sweet deal. The discs aren't in the case, they're wrapped in plastic but I inspected them and I didn't see any scratches on them and its the actual official DVD's. Anywho, I saw the envelope downstairs and I was opening it as I saw my mom and asked her a question. She was like, "Oh yea, I saw that for you. What is it?" I tell her and she's frowns. I say, "What?"
"House comes on TV."
"I bought it online for like 5 bucks...it was nothing."
She frowns.
"I can't spend $5 on a DVD of my favorite TV show?"
"No, you can't. Not when..."
I just walked away. She's really bugging. Especially when she just got 4 pairs of shoes in the mail with a closet full of shoes she doesn't wear...complaining about ends not meeting.
Whatever whatever...I mosey on over to Facebook to look at the profile pics that changed. 2 caught my eye...Mike Z - a guy I've had a crush on since junior year and Brother Wise. I could never step to Mike Z. I don't know why so I just gaze at him from afar. And...Brother Wise had a picture of him and his 2 brothers - clones of each other. CRAZY. I look further on his page and he commented on a friend's status. The friend said, "why do girls say they want a good man doesnt cheat or hit them then when one comes along they do that one wrong dont get women never will"
Wise commented saying, "That's because women are insane psychotic delusional liars. You ain't know? Smh"
Say what?!
I KNOW I shouldn't have taken it personally. Wise is going through some thangs with his baby's mother...BUT DAMN! It just took me back to a previous conversation with him when I told him flat out - I love you. We could be great together. He told me he felt as though women like the idea of him (eccentric afrocentric intelligent artist) more than to actually be with him and I broke down who I thought he was and was pretty in line with who he is...he then said, "I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to even try."
He then went to a party, took a girl home and got her pregnant and now he's dealing with a crazy chick whom he probably had no intentions of seeing the next day. (If memory serves me correctly)
I saw that bullshit and I'm like...
You will be fucking alone you dick! Not because women are crazy but because YOU are crazy. You don't feel like you deserve love.You had a great girl (*ahem* ME)and you CHOSE to be alone. And that situation thart has you all jaded about women..ummm could've avoided it by umm...wearing a *bleeping* condom!
Jerk.
Half.com is the beez knees. I was shopping around for all 5/6 seasons of House on DVD. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Its so witty and smart and interesting.
Anywhosies, I bought the 1st season from Target on sale for $12 during Black Friday. Regular price is $45. I got season 2 from half.com for $10 including shipping. Sweet deal. The discs aren't in the case, they're wrapped in plastic but I inspected them and I didn't see any scratches on them and its the actual official DVD's. Anywho, I saw the envelope downstairs and I was opening it as I saw my mom and asked her a question. She was like, "Oh yea, I saw that for you. What is it?" I tell her and she's frowns. I say, "What?"
"House comes on TV."
"I bought it online for like 5 bucks...it was nothing."
She frowns.
"I can't spend $5 on a DVD of my favorite TV show?"
"No, you can't. Not when..."
I just walked away. She's really bugging. Especially when she just got 4 pairs of shoes in the mail with a closet full of shoes she doesn't wear...complaining about ends not meeting.
Whatever whatever...I mosey on over to Facebook to look at the profile pics that changed. 2 caught my eye...Mike Z - a guy I've had a crush on since junior year and Brother Wise. I could never step to Mike Z. I don't know why so I just gaze at him from afar. And...Brother Wise had a picture of him and his 2 brothers - clones of each other. CRAZY. I look further on his page and he commented on a friend's status. The friend said, "why do girls say they want a good man doesnt cheat or hit them then when one comes along they do that one wrong dont get women never will"
Wise commented saying, "That's because women are insane psychotic delusional liars. You ain't know? Smh"
Say what?!
I KNOW I shouldn't have taken it personally. Wise is going through some thangs with his baby's mother...BUT DAMN! It just took me back to a previous conversation with him when I told him flat out - I love you. We could be great together. He told me he felt as though women like the idea of him (eccentric afrocentric intelligent artist) more than to actually be with him and I broke down who I thought he was and was pretty in line with who he is...he then said, "I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to even try."
He then went to a party, took a girl home and got her pregnant and now he's dealing with a crazy chick whom he probably had no intentions of seeing the next day. (If memory serves me correctly)
I saw that bullshit and I'm like...
You will be fucking alone you dick! Not because women are crazy but because YOU are crazy. You don't feel like you deserve love.You had a great girl (*ahem* ME)and you CHOSE to be alone. And that situation thart has you all jaded about women..ummm could've avoided it by umm...wearing a *bleeping* condom!
Jerk.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Christmas in April
The thing about blogging is that it forces you to face things you do NOT want to think about.
Yesterday, I got up...got Rocky groomed. OMG! He looks like a brand new dog. His hair made him look a lot thicker than he actually is. He is so little and skinny. Its kind of freaking me out. I also feel bad because I used to play with him all rough, throwing him around and such (not far) and now I see how small he really is...I feel bad.
I also got a new phone!! YES! I am now #TeamAndroid. I love it! Its a touch screen with a keyboard. The best of both worlds! AND...I went in thinking I was going to pay about $120, I walked out paying $74. *does running man*
The Android is so different from the Blackberry, I'm really trying to figure out how to work this little thing...I'm so not used to a touch screen. All day yesterday, I was hanging up on people, muting the calls, answering calls on call waiting accidentally without telling the other person to hold...A MESS!!
So, it was a little bit like Christmas.
But, seriously, I was so sick to DEATH of BBM. Some people are cool but others...they are really intrusive with their messages at really any time of the day and then if you don't answer right away, they get pissed off...like, oh, I saw you read my message, why didn't you respond. It was ruining a bunch of friendships.
SO, I go down to get my cart from my mom and a photographer is setting up to take her picture. She's going to be ordained as a minister at the end of the month. The girl who is staying with her, Stef, is doing her makeup. SAY WORD?? I was upset. I'm your daughter. I'm a makeup artist, I thought she would at least ask me. Ok, whatever. Stef does makeup too. I've never seen her work but....ok.
Furthermore, she says..."Can you go spruce yourself up so we can take a picture together?"
I said, "No. I'm on my way to the grocery store."
Seriously, all I had in my fridge was leftover Chinese.
"You've been home all day and now you decide to go to the grocery store?"
Why would you assume where I've been all day?
"All you girls want to do is roam the streets."
So, going to the grocery store at 7pm is roaming the streets. Umm..okay.
As I was leaving, I heard her tell the girl..."Oh we're taking pictures together."
I am so upset because I felt like she could've told me beforehand that the guy was coming to take pictures if she wanted me in them. Who tells someone to go spruce themselves up at the last minute while the photographer is THERE. Part of me feels like if I didn't walk in, I would not have even been offered. AND..we spoke earlier in the day so its really no excuse.
And then you're going to take pictures with this stranger who is living with you for 2 months...professional pictures..really?
Oh, yea and the other day, she was like Stef is your sister. Oh you mean the girl I've known for 2 months...no the hell she's not!
Yesterday, I got up...got Rocky groomed. OMG! He looks like a brand new dog. His hair made him look a lot thicker than he actually is. He is so little and skinny. Its kind of freaking me out. I also feel bad because I used to play with him all rough, throwing him around and such (not far) and now I see how small he really is...I feel bad.
I also got a new phone!! YES! I am now #TeamAndroid. I love it! Its a touch screen with a keyboard. The best of both worlds! AND...I went in thinking I was going to pay about $120, I walked out paying $74. *does running man*
The Android is so different from the Blackberry, I'm really trying to figure out how to work this little thing...I'm so not used to a touch screen. All day yesterday, I was hanging up on people, muting the calls, answering calls on call waiting accidentally without telling the other person to hold...A MESS!!
So, it was a little bit like Christmas.
But, seriously, I was so sick to DEATH of BBM. Some people are cool but others...they are really intrusive with their messages at really any time of the day and then if you don't answer right away, they get pissed off...like, oh, I saw you read my message, why didn't you respond. It was ruining a bunch of friendships.
SO, I go down to get my cart from my mom and a photographer is setting up to take her picture. She's going to be ordained as a minister at the end of the month. The girl who is staying with her, Stef, is doing her makeup. SAY WORD?? I was upset. I'm your daughter. I'm a makeup artist, I thought she would at least ask me. Ok, whatever. Stef does makeup too. I've never seen her work but....ok.
Furthermore, she says..."Can you go spruce yourself up so we can take a picture together?"
I said, "No. I'm on my way to the grocery store."
Seriously, all I had in my fridge was leftover Chinese.
"You've been home all day and now you decide to go to the grocery store?"
Why would you assume where I've been all day?
"All you girls want to do is roam the streets."
So, going to the grocery store at 7pm is roaming the streets. Umm..okay.
As I was leaving, I heard her tell the girl..."Oh we're taking pictures together."
I am so upset because I felt like she could've told me beforehand that the guy was coming to take pictures if she wanted me in them. Who tells someone to go spruce themselves up at the last minute while the photographer is THERE. Part of me feels like if I didn't walk in, I would not have even been offered. AND..we spoke earlier in the day so its really no excuse.
And then you're going to take pictures with this stranger who is living with you for 2 months...professional pictures..really?
Oh, yea and the other day, she was like Stef is your sister. Oh you mean the girl I've known for 2 months...no the hell she's not!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
what am i supposed to do?
i generally don't have feelings of despair or inadequacy or anything like that. most days, i putz around doing what i do, mainly feeling overwhelmed because of the many things that are on my plate.
and then i talk to my mother.
mostly, its on accident or out of bare necessity.
like today, my new intern was scheduled to work. i needed an extra computer. i didn't want to just take her computer without asking. boom! bare necessity.
when we're over the phone, she makes me feel bad about how i'm not doing a great job of taking care of my grandmother. today, she hung up on me because i wanted to bring her home and take care of her business next week instead of this week. THIS from someone who can't find time to even visit her! are you fucking kidding me? before that, she asked me about my business..."are you making any money???" - truthfully, no. not enough to support me. "i can't believe you can't find a job...with all your job history and qualifications."
i can't believe i can't find a job either.
and i apply to about 20 per day. granted, i did skip a few days this week. so, tonight, i decided to make up for lost days and apply for as many jobs as possible. the past 3 hours, i've applied for 35 jobs with a desperation that i've never felt before. with tears in my eyes...i looked for a job. my phone was on silent. my eyes glued to monster and craigslist because i NEED a job like i NEED oxygen.
because i NEED to get the fuck out of here!
i feel like she takes pleasure in beating up on me at every single turn. those questions are logical for any mother to ask but maybe...i don't know...i need someone to treat me gently sometimes.honestly, i don't know what to say...does she want me to break down? does she want me to admit i'm making a mess of my life? one day without prodding, without an audience, without anything...i just want her to be like..."you've been through some amazing trials and you haven't killed yourself. good job." - maybe not in those words but something along that sentiment. or maybe something like.. "i support you." something simple. and i want her to mean it.
maybe i ask for too much.
for now, i'd be content with a job that pays more than peanut shells and water and a nice city to relocate to.
and then i talk to my mother.
mostly, its on accident or out of bare necessity.
like today, my new intern was scheduled to work. i needed an extra computer. i didn't want to just take her computer without asking. boom! bare necessity.
when we're over the phone, she makes me feel bad about how i'm not doing a great job of taking care of my grandmother. today, she hung up on me because i wanted to bring her home and take care of her business next week instead of this week. THIS from someone who can't find time to even visit her! are you fucking kidding me? before that, she asked me about my business..."are you making any money???" - truthfully, no. not enough to support me. "i can't believe you can't find a job...with all your job history and qualifications."
i can't believe i can't find a job either.
and i apply to about 20 per day. granted, i did skip a few days this week. so, tonight, i decided to make up for lost days and apply for as many jobs as possible. the past 3 hours, i've applied for 35 jobs with a desperation that i've never felt before. with tears in my eyes...i looked for a job. my phone was on silent. my eyes glued to monster and craigslist because i NEED a job like i NEED oxygen.
because i NEED to get the fuck out of here!
i feel like she takes pleasure in beating up on me at every single turn. those questions are logical for any mother to ask but maybe...i don't know...i need someone to treat me gently sometimes.honestly, i don't know what to say...does she want me to break down? does she want me to admit i'm making a mess of my life? one day without prodding, without an audience, without anything...i just want her to be like..."you've been through some amazing trials and you haven't killed yourself. good job." - maybe not in those words but something along that sentiment. or maybe something like.. "i support you." something simple. and i want her to mean it.
maybe i ask for too much.
for now, i'd be content with a job that pays more than peanut shells and water and a nice city to relocate to.
Monday, September 27, 2010
fight or flight
today...
i woke up at 7am feeling really great. i wasn't coughing. i sent out a few emails, tweeted, read a couple of blogs. around 10am, i started coughing. fine. doctor's orders...go to the ER. i procrastinated....got to the hospital at 12. at 4:45, i walked out of there...chest xray clear with the doctor's explanation that it could be a virus or the common cold or allergies. she prescribed me cough syrup with codeine. i was pissed. i spent the day in the ER with loud people, crying babies and stinky people to be told...oh...we're not sure what's wrong with you...oh and she said...a virus or a cold could last up to 4-5 weeks...
fuuuuuuuuck.
and so i go to my mom's house because i need cable and my favorite purple comforter. she comes home. she asks me what happened..i tell her 1/2 of what the doctor said before she walks away mid-sentence.
later, she's like...your brother wants us to come down for thanksgiving. i say fine. she says...i guess i'll scrape the money to get the car fixed to drive down. the next sentence is...his insurance company offered him a settlement of $10,000 (from his recent car accident) and i told him not to take it...he needs to hold out for more money.
that explains the sudden interest in my brother.
an hour later, my stomach is imploding...i ask her if she has anything to eat. she doesn't. i ask if she wants chinese..."do you have money?" yes. "are you paying for everybody?" i look around and its just me and her. i say..."if you mean, the two of us...sure."
as we drive 2 blocks over to the chinese place, i say..."your air freshener is killing me." i say this coughing between every word. she says, "well its my air freshener for my house and it sprays every 30 minutes so if you don't like it..." she catches herself. i'm pissed. i try and leave the car while its still moving. i ask what she wants...i get the food. get back to her place, grab my shit as fast as possible and leave.
i was going to leave without saying anything. she catches me as i reach the door. "you leaving?" "yup" i don't look back.
i really think about it. my brother does NOTHING. in the past 11 years since my dad has been gone, he's not given us a dime to help us out, he has sent no birthday/christmas cards or gifts. yet and still...last week when he got into the accident, she says...maybe i'll try and get down there to nurse him back to health.
i live literally upstairs...i've been sick for 2 weeks...i haven't gotten a hug, a cup of tea or a bowl of soup.
i understand.
this is why i harden myself. i've let this sickness make me soft. so, i will harden myself again. the only thing going through my head was..get the fuck out. i am going to pull myself up by my chin..nurse myself back to better health than i was in before, get a job, save money and get the fuck out of here. as soon as i can, i'm going to just buy a ticket some place and work it out.
i can't do this. i can't live like this.
i'm going to forge a life somewhere else and create my own family. i'm sick of always feeling like the people who should be closest to me don't give a shit about me.
i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
i woke up at 7am feeling really great. i wasn't coughing. i sent out a few emails, tweeted, read a couple of blogs. around 10am, i started coughing. fine. doctor's orders...go to the ER. i procrastinated....got to the hospital at 12. at 4:45, i walked out of there...chest xray clear with the doctor's explanation that it could be a virus or the common cold or allergies. she prescribed me cough syrup with codeine. i was pissed. i spent the day in the ER with loud people, crying babies and stinky people to be told...oh...we're not sure what's wrong with you...oh and she said...a virus or a cold could last up to 4-5 weeks...
fuuuuuuuuck.
and so i go to my mom's house because i need cable and my favorite purple comforter. she comes home. she asks me what happened..i tell her 1/2 of what the doctor said before she walks away mid-sentence.
later, she's like...your brother wants us to come down for thanksgiving. i say fine. she says...i guess i'll scrape the money to get the car fixed to drive down. the next sentence is...his insurance company offered him a settlement of $10,000 (from his recent car accident) and i told him not to take it...he needs to hold out for more money.
that explains the sudden interest in my brother.
an hour later, my stomach is imploding...i ask her if she has anything to eat. she doesn't. i ask if she wants chinese..."do you have money?" yes. "are you paying for everybody?" i look around and its just me and her. i say..."if you mean, the two of us...sure."
as we drive 2 blocks over to the chinese place, i say..."your air freshener is killing me." i say this coughing between every word. she says, "well its my air freshener for my house and it sprays every 30 minutes so if you don't like it..." she catches herself. i'm pissed. i try and leave the car while its still moving. i ask what she wants...i get the food. get back to her place, grab my shit as fast as possible and leave.
i was going to leave without saying anything. she catches me as i reach the door. "you leaving?" "yup" i don't look back.
i really think about it. my brother does NOTHING. in the past 11 years since my dad has been gone, he's not given us a dime to help us out, he has sent no birthday/christmas cards or gifts. yet and still...last week when he got into the accident, she says...maybe i'll try and get down there to nurse him back to health.
i live literally upstairs...i've been sick for 2 weeks...i haven't gotten a hug, a cup of tea or a bowl of soup.
i understand.
this is why i harden myself. i've let this sickness make me soft. so, i will harden myself again. the only thing going through my head was..get the fuck out. i am going to pull myself up by my chin..nurse myself back to better health than i was in before, get a job, save money and get the fuck out of here. as soon as i can, i'm going to just buy a ticket some place and work it out.
i can't do this. i can't live like this.
i'm going to forge a life somewhere else and create my own family. i'm sick of always feeling like the people who should be closest to me don't give a shit about me.
i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
motherless child
I called my mom today to tell her what's been going on with me and how I'm feeling. We spent 2:27 on the phone before she rushed me off. The first half of the conversation was about something else. She asked me, "How are you?" and I told her. I don't think she was expecting that and so when I told her, she asked me some questions and then was like..."Ok, ok, keep me posted, ok bye."
What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?
I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.
So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.
Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End
What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?
I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.
So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.
Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Sept Blog Challenge Day 1
This post is going to be graphic.
I woke up in The Nigerian's bed not having slept most of the night (and not for a good reason). Lately, I have not been sleeping well at all. He hugged and kissed me as I whispered "Good Morning" in his ear. He got up, used the bathroom and I did the same, almost falling over the latest one of his friends sleeping on his couch. I washed my mouth out with his mouthwash and came back to bed and laid next to him. I tried to kiss him but he moved away, saying he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Am I nasty for not caring? He hugged me close as I turned on my side, my back to him. He fondled my breasts, stomach and played with my underwear.
He got up, put on a condom and took out some lube. As he pulled down my underwear, he started feeling at a patch of eczema that's on my hip. He asked me what it was and I told him. He said...isn't eczema a communicable disease? I told him, it was not but he wasn't sure. He kissed me as he laid down and pulled me on top of him. As I rode him, he made noises and pulled at my nipples. He stopped and asked, "Are you about to cum?" I told him I was not. This all-too familiar topic comes up every time we have sex. My inability to cum with penetration is wearing on both of us. Him, his pride and me, my patience and frustration on this topic. He told me to turn on the lights and lay down on my back.
I obeyed. "Masturbate," he said. My interest piqued, I did as I was told. I opened my legs and closed my eyes as he watched. I tried to keep my mind on him but I was thinking about Carter, about a threesome with me and his friend, B on his couch, about this lesbian girl he wants to eat me out. "Cum for daddy," he purred, messing up my concentration. I felt rushed. I lied and told him I was done. I came but really, I didn't. He entered me and the feeling was positively electrifying. My body was already sensitive because I was able to warm myself up. He was in heaven. I laughed and told him that he needs to be careful. We both have things to do and he's going to put both of us to sleep.
He turned me over. "I want to fuck your ass." This, another topic of discussion that wears on us as well. I'm not a fan of anal sex, having tried it with one or two other partners but he likes it the most. I don't want that to be apart of our sexual routine, as I envision those girls in porno, their anus wide holes. I conceded, curious to if it would hurt less than it did last time and if, magically, I would begin to enjoy it.
He entered me and it hurt like hell. I stopped him. We had lackluster vaginal sex for about 5 more minutes as I felt his disappointment drip down on me like his sweat. "Ok, let's try it again," I said. Biting the bullet, I tried to relax as much as possible. It hurt and I fell down on the bed with him still inside of me. He was moaning telling me how much it feels good to him. "Talk dirty to me." I just wanted him to be done and so, I said whatever in which he eventually came.
He gets up and he's like...oh shit, the condom is still inside you. I'm pissed and I go to the bathroom and try to force it out because there's no way I can put my finger up there and get it. I'm silently freaking out inside and he's like, you look mad. I say, "If there was something inside you, wouldn't you be a little upset? I know it's not technically your fault but damn!" He says, "Don't worry, you'll shit it out." He gets on the phone with his job trying to get more hours and then he calls some girl asking her if she's coming to his event on Friday. I can tell they're friends and he probably haven't spoken in a while and I'm like..."Do you have to have this conversation right now?" I calm down, feeling like there was nothing I could do. We both fall asleep on separate ends of his Queen bed.
We awake to B knocking on the door. B needs to get something from TN's closet so, he puts the covers e awake toover me. After B leaves, I get dressed. I calm down. B puts on Rick Ross' BMF and they start talking in stupid guy talk. TN starts moving his hands like how rappers do and he's like yea..I'm a boss. He then says some other things that I would expect an American-born man to say and I tell him to turn off Rick Ross because clearly, he's corrupting him. TN laughs and tells B what I said. He's like, "Just cause I don't talk like that doesn't mean I don't know the words to say. I just choose to be gentle with you." I say, "Yes, I appreciate that. I don't ever want to hear you talk like that to me." He laughs, saying yes...certain things I leave for the whores I'm used to dealing with. (there was a segway into that comment but its too much to type). I ask, "When are we hanging out?" He doesn't answer and I look at my watch, impatient. He says to call him and he'll make time but Thursday - Saturday, I should know that he's working. I say, "Yea, you probably say things like that to all your whores." "You are not a whore." "Just making sure you know that." "You are a very funny woman, ogbanje." I call him Eze which is Igbo for King. Ogbanje is like an evil spirit. Read more about it here. I tell him to find another name for me. That's not nice. He says it will be another Igbo word but he won't tell me what it means. We laugh. I speak to him in French. B sticks his nose in and tries to speak French very poorly.
I leave. Go to the store and buy a juice and some cookies. Take a cab home and fair enough, the condom passes out which was very weird. I resolve in myself that something's got to give. I don't want that to happen ever again. I tell BFF what happened and she freaks out more than me. I shower, dress and help Editor pack up because she has to move out of her house (long story). BFF picks me up and takes me to get something to eat and then home. I field calls from grandma's social worker and from her potential home health aide. I get stressed out because she needs 24 hour care once she's discharged. Also, Verizon sucks ass and hasn't turned on her phone. Her house is a mess. I also need to go grocery shopping for her. Instead of being discharged on Friday, she won't be discharged until the 21st of September. She won't be happy. By the time I get home, I'm stressed and tired. I fall asleep and wake up at 6pm. I get up, blog, tweet, pay some bills.
That was my day.
I'll explain how me and TN got back together and some other stuff in between at a later time.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Where's Your Head At?
Mine is in so many places right now. Last week, my brother was supposed to come up from South Carolina. I told him I was feeling overwhelmed about the grandma situation and that his coming and staying for a week would help me out. Needless to say, he didn't show and hasn't returned my phone calls.
You know how you just know when someone is going to let you down? He constantly does and I always give him the benefit of the doubt that he won't.
*le sigh*
Today is Day 3 of an 18-day fast I'm on. I was sitting in church on Sunday and I swear, God spoke to me plain as day telling me to go on this fast. I knew it had to be Him because I've never stuck to a fast for more than a few hours.
This one is: no soda, no artificial juices, no alcohol, only fruit and veggies, and only 1 meal after 5pm.
Pepsi is my crutch. No lie. I must drink at least 2 bottles a day. I'm not that hungry during the day really...I just crave stuff like Lil Debbie pies, Blow Pops, Laffy Taffy, omg! Doritos!!!
The first 2 days were fine. Today, I felt sick to my stomach and sour in my mouth. I was miserably counting down the minutes til 5pm. Even after I ate, I still felt sick.
I'm still on it though. I think my body needs to detox. My lower back hurts like hell which probably means kidney problems (hereditary) and I don't have insurance to investigate. Gotta figure something out.
Gi is pregnant. She seems happy. Her baby father is going to give her problems. I can tell. He's not the most stand-up guy but she wanted a baby. I know she did and she feels she can do it alone so...*shrug* I check in on her and I'll do what I can for her. She's 6 weeks in. I really wish her the best!
BFF is still with Punjabi. He gave her a car. The car is pretty ummm...funny. It looks pretty on the outside. Its just the driver's side window doesn't go down, the security system is faulty. Stuff like that but she's happy and it gets her from home to school which is really what she needed.
The same thing is going on in my love department. The dudes that excite me are with gorgeous women and the ones who low-key repulse me are at it.
Oh yea, so Aussie and I spoke probably around the time the last post was...he says, we don't work because I don't try. That really pissed me off bc I feel like I try too much. Yadda yadda. So, my phone breaks...I was on my old phone for a week. Didn't have his #. He doesn't call or text me. I get a replacement. Find his #. Text him
"Life is funny. Isn't it?"
He calls me. Says, his ex is stalking him. He changed his # (to his current one that I had). She got a restraining order against him (lying on him.) She called him and text him. He got locked up for violating the restraining order. His grandma had to pay $2400 for his bail. She called and text him again. He almost got arrested again but he had proof she was abusing the system. So, in the midst of all of that...he didn't want to get me involved by calling or texting and have her get my info and harass me.
Part of me believes it. Part of me is like whatever. I'm D-O-N-E!
There's always a story. There's always some drama. I don't need it. Jaded's words kept ringing in my head, "Don't you ever get frustrated by how much it just doesn't work out?"
The answer is yes.
I'm falling back and I'm letting whomever court me. Fuck it.
Other than that, my social calendar is full. My work calendar has some slots booked. I'm trying to wade through my emotional turmoil to be productive.
I will check in with you guys soon.
Bisous!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)