Tuesday, September 14, 2010

motherless child

I called my mom today to tell her what's been going on with me and how I'm feeling. We spent 2:27 on the phone before she rushed me off. The first half of the conversation was about something else. She asked me, "How are you?" and I told her. I don't think she was expecting that and so when I told her, she asked me some questions and then was like..."Ok, ok, keep me posted, ok bye."

What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?

I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.

So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.

Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End

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