Saturday, September 25, 2010

fight fight fight!

it has been 15 days and i'm still sick.
the doctors don't have a clue what's wrong with blood tests came back normal on my kidneys, sugar and blood count...THANK GOD!
the azithromycin they gave me makes me light-headed...
my apartment looks like a crack den but every attempt at cleaning makes me dizzy.
i'm getting scared now.

the thought, "they'll find out what's wrong with you in autopsy" popped in my head and it keeps going on and on like a looped record.

friday, the doctor told me that if i'm still coughing on Monday, to go to the ER and ask them to take a chest xray for me. part of me wants to go to the ER now.

the worst part of this is being alone all the time. mom is in dc burying a cousin. the only other person's house i can sleep at is bff's. sometimes, its overwhelming to be there and i don't want to be a burden on anyone.

i've been trying to look forward to 5 months, i'll be 25 (God-willing) and I'm thinking about spending the weekend at my favorite hotel, The Gansevoort, heels, hair, the works...

right now, i'm having slight chest pain that feels like its going straight to my back. i'm thinking about how do i get to the hospital just in case bff can't take me. when she's asleep, she's asleep. i'm thinking about how tacky my dad's funeral was and how i don't want my funeral to be like that at all. all in all, i try and drive these thoughts away as much as i can and i think about makeup, how i would write some book reviews i need to do...

and of course, thoughts go to the nigerian....wondering if he would've been nice to me...probably not. those thoughts are nice..sleeping in his bed while he brings me tea and holds me at night...knowing that situation, he probably wouldn't let me alone and would just force my sick self to have sex with him....

the truth is...i'm so lonely.


Sterling said...

i don't know how i ended up stumbling on your page, i was googling mortal kombat (ironic don't you think). your situation seems dire. i don't know you but, i wish you the best and hope you get better. being alone isn't a bad thing, but it seems you could use some help. don't be too shy to ask for help, these human bodies are all too fragile (like i have to tell you that). friends are for sharing the good times and helping one another through the bad. i wish you a speedy recovery and i will pray for you. don't forget GOD is your most powerful allie and friend. take care.

Nina said...

THANK YOU for your kind words and your prayers...I've since changed the title of the blog post (just in case). Your words are very much appreciated.