Thursday, September 2, 2010

before you walk out of my life + doing me

(the story of how we got back together)

TN called me last week and I actually picked up. Brit talked me into giving him another chance and so I relented. I suggested we speak in person because the phone stuff with him is always semi-distracted. On Monday, I go over there. I tell him my piece.

"Our problem is communication."
He says "You can't rush me to open up to you."
I say, "I won't rush you to open up if you don't rush me to do sexual things."

We agree.

I say, "I think that's the only thing you miss about me." (Sex)
He says, "No, I really do miss you as a person. I know you're a good woman but I just don't know how to keep you."

I say, "Its simple. Listen to me. Talk to me. Go out with me. I don't know if you can change."
He says, " I can say whatever. Judge by my actions."

And so, I decided to do that.

Fast forward to how I'm feeling today.
Yesterday, before I left, I asked TN if we could hang out. I'm sick of being at his house or around him and his friends and I really want that summer boyfriend feeling..y'know, walking around town; hand in hand, picnics and such. I mention us having a picnic. He's indifferent to that idea. I pry to see when exactly he'll be free. I know he has an event on Friday. Saturday, he says he's working. Then, he says.. "Call me. I'll make myself available."

So, later in the day, I called at 3:30pm, 9:30pm and at 1am. None of those calls were returned. Today, I realized he hadn't called me all day. I called him at 1pm and I left a message.

"You say you don't know how to keep me. Its real simple. Pick up the phone when I call. If you miss my call, return it. If you can't, a text will do. Call me back."

At 2:30, he calls back. The phone rings twice. He hangs up.
I call him right back. He doesn't pick up.

It's after 6, he hasn't called me back. I'm guessing he didn't mean to call me. At this point, I'm really sick of the roller coaster ride. I'm tired of games. I don't do drama. I'm going to do me. Whatever that means, I'm not sure but I can't concern myself with someone who is not concerned with me on some Basic Relationship Skills 101 type shit. Not when we just talked about it 3 days earlier.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.................Fuck it.
There's not one aspect of my life I'm happy with right now. Work, love, body, family...all of it is bugged out. I don't know what I'm going to do. Something has to happen and quick. As for this tears, no dramatic farewells...I'm not even going to be mean or bitchy to him. It is what it is and what it will be.

I have to work my way back to happy again.


GorgeousPuddin said...

I had written a really long comment addressing your post. But somehow blogger tripped out and didn't post.


The recap version of what I said was this

You are too beautiful to be treated like that.

You gave him his 2nd chance. He has already shown you who he is. Trusts your instincts.

It's about sex for him and you want a relationship.

When a man wants YOU. You know it.
and you don't have to put in numerous calls. Yours gets answered on the first ring or returned right away.

Again you are to beautiful to be treated like this.

And Finally you said he ain't packin so it ain't worth the headache or heartache.*smile*

My two cents I hope I didn't offend.

Jaded said...

Hey. A couple years back (dang, it really was) when I was dealing with HB, we were on the phone and I was at the store and I saw something that I thought he'd like so I asked him what size he wore and he said (but not in a snarky way): Don't but me anything, we're not there yet!

I was like: WHAT? Not there yet? How can we "there" enough to be (damn near) intimate (heavy petting etc, etc) but not there enough to buy one another crappy small gifts?

Anyway, your convo w/ TN reminded me of that story.

It really is like sex has become completely separate from having a relationship. Even AFTER the people decide to have one.


Beyond that, good for you for refusing to waste anymore of your energy on someone who clearly just isn't willing to put in his own share.