le sigh

my aunt passed away this morning.

what do you say about death? my mom called and left me a message to tell me. i didn't listen to the message. i just called her back. in retrospect, that was a bad idea. i called her like.."hey what's up?" then she puts my cousin on the phone and i say,

"there's nothing anyone will say to make you feel better. your mom is okay. everything is going to be okay. the pain you're going through will not go away magically but the pain will be less sharp. you will be fine."

not sure if those are sage words. everyone always calls me like..i know what to say when a parent dies. i don't.

i carried on with my work day and the magic hour came and i got paid.

*cue disco ball*

i called around to driving schools and found a school that charges $185 for 5 (1-hour) lessons. Most schools give 45 minute lessons...me (and my weekly earnings) went and paid for the lessons. i felt like such a grown up. (look at me doing what i've been wanting to do since the beginning of time) i got home and called the refrigerator repair guy. in 20 minutes (and much picking up of shoes that rocky had eaten) later, he came to tell me my motor was broken and i need a new fridge.

mom called to tell me she needs money. she had to buy clothes. she expected to be down south for a weekend..a week later, she's still looking at another week.

my driving lessons seem less important...as say...giving my mother money or buying a mini-fridge (which costs the same amount of money)

i felt foolish.
until...i realize. heyyyy..wait a damn minute....i had to buy lessons because NO ONE will teach me. (not even my mom). I've been wanting to buy lessons since MARCH. it is JUNE. i worked hard all week...specifically for this purpose and damn it! i will rock those lessons!


i hung out with DK on Wednesday. this guy...something is missing. i keep telling myself...but i can't figure out what. he's super easy to be around and talk to. there's attraction. there's passion. there's also a sensibility. i feel comfortable sleeping with him right now (kinda..always have that puritan guilt) but i like waiting. HE wants to wait. i offered for him to come over and he said no. he wanted to wait. *grins* there's so much we don't know about each other. how do older people do it? get to know each other...date. it feels like the other person had this WHOLE LIFE before you. i guess, they go into it knowing they can't know all the details about the other person.

i am enjoying this time when i discover new things i like about him.
like...

i like that he is super nerdy by accident. he's a computer engineering student but he's working in IT already. wednesday, he had his backpack with all his computer parts and he was telling me about his day. super nerdy. i was like "oh yea, defragment my hard drive baby..." lol..i'm super nerdy as well.

i like that he's honest. i realize that americans like things in a cute little package (how japanese of us). specifically, we like the truth wrapped in a jasmine scented bow. people who are not american (*ahem* nigerian men) tell you things like i don't know.... "your butt is huge but i like it." or "your breasts are in my face." *adjusts shirt* "they are stilll in my face because they are big. its okay. don't worry." with a big smile on their face. it is the truth but it kinda makes you go "damn...can i get a euphemism?" there is no gray area. he said, "nina, i like you. i am also sexually attracted to you. you smell nice." - not in one sentence but several sentences sprinkled in a conversation. gray areas for me cause anxiety. my whole relationship with the nigerian was freakin gray. yes, spell things out for me!!

i like that i can be myself. yes, i want to look good but i don't feel like that's all he sees. yes, i'm on my best behavior still but i can still say whatever i want to say. i can breathe.

anyways...see what i did there? i distracted myself from death and not having anything cold to drink in the house (sans tap water) so..i like that he does that. lol "oh yea baby...distract me...rarr"