Saturday, June 11, 2011


I'm falling apart at the seams right now.

I should've known it was coming. This morning while cleaning the house, I was watching my favorite movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and although I've watched that movie 50-11 times...I started crying during the emotional parts.

One tear tho...cuz...I'm a thug.

I knew I had tons to do...I wanted to do laundry, get my nails re-painted and eat something before my 2pm driving lesson. After my driving lesson, I would meet up with my client whose wedding I'm doing tomorrow to pick up her deposit/payment and then I had a 5pm date with DK.

No room in there to really breathe.

At 1:30 as I was getting dressed, the school called and said that the car they use broke down and we'd need to reschedule. Fine. I took my time and ended up at my client's house at 3pm instead of 3:30. I fantasized about jumping in the sprinklers as I walked through the projects, breaking my neck to get to DK on time.

Being late causes anxiety within me.

I got to his job right at 5. 45 minutes later, we meet up because his boss handed him a project to do right as he was packing up to leave.

I was disappointed and stressed and hormonal. I'm sure the crying spell earlier was because my period is due on the 13th.

My period is always irregular so it might show up tomorrow. Who knows?! 

Anywhosies, I was feeling all these emotions on top of dealing with all the other stuff going on. Yesterday, I saw my friend Jen in the hospital. She's on life support. There were tubes for every vital function. A tube down her throat to help her breathe, one for urine, another for feces. She had a bag for fluids and another for feeding. It was sooooo overwhelming. The last time I'd seen her, she was cracking jokes and talking about Rebie Jackson's "Centipede" video.

My aunt's funeral was today. There's just so much sadness around. I don't have any proper coping mechanisms in place. (I figured that out tonight.)

Sooooo....DK and I are on our date and I'm being quiet (per usual) and he is talking and talking (per usual)  and he turns to me and says... "Talk to me. You never talk. I thought I was quiet but you're mute."

He is right. I took it as criticism when it was really not but I did. With my hormones acting up, I almost cried. I kept goading myself to say something...anything. but everytime I started a story, he'd interject and then I'd get discouraged and go mute.

I told him about my friend on life support and death and then I just felt like I was being a Debbie Downer. He said.."Should I be careful around you? It seems like a lot of people in your life are sick or passing away." He was kidding but that's exactly what I knew he would say.

Ay caramba! 

We parted ways and were dangerously close to Times Square so I walked to Forever 21. I bought a cute skirt and tons of accessories, spending half of the money I earned from the wedding i'm going to do tomorrow.

I ended up at Duane Reade buying some essentials...but spending a little too much.

Even still, I didn't feel better.

"I need a drink," I text(ed) BFF.
"Me too," she text back.

I felt like there was so much pressure on my head...all these thoughts and emotions and I felt like everything was conspiring against me.

As I sat on the train, it kind of hit me...I was feeling a little insecure around DK.  I don't like having an audience. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid or say something stupid. I just don't know...but yes, like I said earlier..I need better coping mechanisms-  either working out or I don't know. 

I need to snap out of it-  whatever IT is. Part of me feels like I owe DK an apology or something.

Damn not being knocked up!

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