Sunday, June 5, 2011

On a Sunday Afternoon

I could go into a long diatribe about how great today was....mostly, what I want to say is how it was revealed to me:

I'm not working hard enough. I let the passion in me die out. I got tired. I got discouraged and I stopped believing in my dreams. I stopped believing in me. Why? Because it wasn't happening fast enough. Because there were so many trials. God has blessed me with this talent and I have buried it. I can't limit my greatness because I want instant gratification. There is something in me and I can't let my light flicker and die out.

God has been asking me over and over about DK. If I am willing to let him go...if I am scared he will walk away. If I trust God enough to trust Him that my mate is out there and to stop being so desperate in my emotions. I am walking down a path not to different from before and I need to stop. I need to stop being so aggressive, so forward...I need to cool out, take a cold shower and prepare for him to leave but act as if he's staying. Mentally, put God first. Emotionally put God first, myself first. It would hurt if he left...if we're being honest. I don't handle rejection of any kind well. Him leaving would feel like rejection. But...I can't under any circumstances go through what I went through with The Nigerian again. Some things in me need to die. I feel as though I might have abandonment issues. My dad died, the person I thought was the love of my life left me for someone else - actually, that happened twice. My high school boyfriend of 3 years left me for a friend and then paraded his relationship with her in front of me and everything I wanted him to do with and for me he did with and for her. (Side note: Funny...that guy was so shallow! He started dating my friend AB and then decided to take another girl to prom SS because SS looked better than AB and he wanted nice pictures.) I guess I was the one #winning. Lol. The 2nd guy was Afroman and Lauren. I guess part of me is tired of feeling like I'm going to lose all the people I grow to love. I have to let go of that hurt...really let that die or else I end up doing things that hurt me more (like break a 19 month celibacy, get taken advantage of, get pseudo-stalked,  get super sick for a month) ...ya know, things like that.

Annnnd so....
That's that, I guess.

What else is going on?
That dude I met like a week or so before DK, I forget his moniker...(his phone got cut off but he invited me out on a date only to not call me until after we were supposed to meet up..) has been calling me all weekend. But, he's been calling from his number (which I deleted) and then private like....I don't know its the same person that called 10 seconds ago. If I eeeeeever gotta call someone private just to get them to answer, that's the day iQuit.

Anywhosies.....that's all on my mind for now. Everyone have a great week on purpose!

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