meat grinder

I have never really known the meaning of the word, 'no.' I know what you're thinking...I must be spoiled or have always gotten my way but, I always saw 'no' as a detour to 'yes' and pretty much everything I've ever done in my that started with 'no' ended in 'yes' some way or another.

Because, I'm fucking determined.

The previous posts...that poetry was inspired by DK. For a short while, I thought we would get back together and that we were going to be okay. Obviously, I was wrong.

Suddenly. my phone calls and texts are unreturned. It's like he fell off the planet.
At first, I was worried....something must've happened! He must be hurt or dead or deported. Surely, he wouldn't just be ignoring me. Then it set in that that's precisely what he was doing.

I feel hurt, stupid, angry but most of all, I feel an overwhelming sadness that seeps out of me and surrounds me like a blue aura that everyone sees and I have no explanation for it. Not a rational one that I could explain to people.

How can I feel something for someone who treats me this way?

I've been snappy and bitchy at work. I'm a wreck.

Most of all, I feel so alone.

I don't have many friends. My call log will tell you that I have 3 people that I call consistently. I hear that as you get older, that number shrinks and shrinks and I think about dying alone. Morbidity aside, I wanted DK. From the moment we hugged goodbye after our first date, I wanted him and I let my guard down. I over-extended myself and went out of my way. I gave him my body and my heart and I felt like he wanted to give his heart to me but just wouldn't. Whatever his reasons, it doesn't matter, the end result is the same. My heart is broken.

Wynsters said I have to be the one to make the decision to stay or walk away and it just felt like deja vu. I broke one of my cardinal rules: Never go back to someone you've already walked away from. But I did because it was easy and because I thought I loved him.

Truth is, that last statement "thought I loved him" shouldn't be in past tense but since love is a verb, I have to stop loving him....

I feel like the choice to stop doing so makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from me and being sent through a meat grinder.

  This picture was on PostSecret this week and when I saw it, I wanted to cry because that's essentially what I want.

SO, this is the first no I will accept, delete the person from my memory bank and move on. Because a no from him is not a NO to my happy ending. And GOTDAMMIT, I will have my happy fucking ending.

IN other news, the book is out on most platforms. The official release date is November 10th...that's the date I hope it's out on ALL platforms...right now..Amazon, Kindle and Nook have picked it up. I'm hella excited.

Anyways...gotta go...Hurricane Sandy is threatening NYC with some major damage....we'll see how that works out.

timer

if you haven't seen this movie....you should! it is so cute and it has been one of the few movies that has kept me completely engaged the whole time and kept my mind off of grieving.

it's about this company that puts a timer in your arm that counts down the time til you meet The One. the main girl Oona is obsessed with her timer fearing she will never find him. it's sooo good.

i bought a netflix subscription because i still don't have cable and it was a whimsical thing to do. i found this on there and it was amazing.

what else is there to say??
my brothers and aunt are coming in to town tomorrow. i gotta make sure my house is clean.
the funeral is on friday.
my godbaby started walking.
the bestie hasn't really been THERE for me but i'm not surprised.

i slept with dk last night. (yay to 3 day periods!)
i haven't had sex since march. (i think. or was it april? if i have to think that hard, it's bad)
the sex was good as always but he held me all night. he made me  feel really small. i missed big hands, big arms and being little spoon to someone's big spoon.
this morning, i wanted to run away because i'm not sure about who/what i am to him and if the answer is nothing....it's fine. i just want to know. part of me doesn't want to go back there with him, i'm bored but it is safe.

the other part wouldn't mind being bored because i can always find a way to entertain myself. ;)

i wish i had a freaking timer!

i will chalk up last night to the grieving process.

call me

sooooooo....i was sick this week where i left early because i was nauseous and light-headed. my period in the month of june was so SERIOUS. i also had cramps that had me keeled over feeling crazy. anyways, i went to the store with my phone, keys and money. when i got home, i had a bag from the store, my keys and change.

my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.

the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.

brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.

i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.

trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.

he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.

i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.

i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.

i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?

Just Stop It

I did the Tour de Brooklyn on Sunday. It was an amazing experience riding my bike through different sections of the borough, many of which, I'd never experienced first-hand. The entire tour was 21.5 miles...halfway through, I felt cramping and fatigue. The last 5 miles, I just couldn't do. I think there's something wrong with my bike...I was pedaling fast, I just wasn't going anywhere. Would I do it again? I'm not sure, I would have to condition myself better and definitely work on getting a faster bike/fixing the one I have. It was a lovely day nonetheless....

Today, I saw the Snow White movie. Curiousity killed the cat. I hate Kristen Stewart. She is not a "rare beauty."....at least not to me. Charlize Theron was awesome though. The whole movie I was just like...for reals? Kristen is supposed to be more beautiful than Charlize? Word? And Kristen is not the best actress either. But, go see it and judge for yourselves.

SO.......when I sent DK the email, I sent him a text asking him if he got it. That message went unanswered. I deleted his number and all the text messages the next day when I didn't hear back.
Tonight (Monday night), I get a text.

DK: Yes, I got your email
(the one I sent on May 27th. Today is June 4th *side eye*)
Me: ...and, that's all you have to say?
DK: What do you want me to say? You've already made your decision.
Me: I wanted you to acknowledge my feelings. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I wanted you to say that it's not okay that from this moment on, I won't be apart of your life. I guess I wanted something from you that you can't or won't give me.

45 minutes go by.

Me: I don't know what the point was of telling me you got the email if you weren't going to address anything in it.

10 minutes go by.

Me: Anyway, good you got it. Now you can forget you ever met me. There's nothing left to say.

The last message was super emo. I know. But, for real though?
I'm so tired of wanting things from people and never getting it.

My mom spent the week in North Carolina. Firstly, I didn't know she was leaving. She told me months ago about her various summer trips. Memorial Day was on the list but she never told me when she was leaving and how long she'd be away. I get a random text from her saying: "No one needs to know I'm not home and can you take out the garbage on Thursday night for me please."

Thursday, I came home and someone had already taken the garbage out (or so I thought.)
I keep my bike at her place because my apartment is small and there's no room for it plus, I'd have to lift it up and down stairs every time I wanted to ride. I was exhausted from the ride, so I just placed it where I could and left.

She came home yesterday. After I spent the day with BFF, running errands, watching the movie and stuff....I said, "Let me go see my mom."

I came in. She was in the bed.

Me: Heeeeeelllllloooooooo
Mom: *curt* Hi. How come you didn't take the garbage out like I asked you to? I asked you to do one thing and you couldn't do it but let (BFF) or (Twin) call, you'll drop everything to be with them. And why is that bike in the middle of the floor? Hunh?
Me: .....
Mom: NINA, YOU HEAR ME?
Me: Yes....
Mom: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: I'll go move the bike.

>>>Man, I was so mentally drained. I walked into a verbal ambush that I was completely not prepared for.<<<<

I moved the bike and left without saying another word.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Who comes back from a week's vacation with their man so angry?
I just can't.
My mom only contacts me when she wants me to do something. God forbid, I don't do it or I don't do it to her liking. I want for her to just call me and ask me how I'm doing...what's going on in my life....how am I feeling...what can she do for me?

What did I say earlier in the post? I'm tired of wanting things from people they just can't or won't give me.

They say, it is insanity to do the same action over and over again and expect different results. I must be out of my fucking mind!
I am so tired of fighting.
I can't do it anymore.

Scatterbrains

My mind has been everywhere this week.
(LAST) Tuesday, I called DK and I told him that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me in the same way I did him. I want to see him and talk to him more but if he wanted those same things it would happen. I told him I wanted to leave him alone. He begs for another chance. There's a good explanation. Lets talk about it in person.  Fine. I give in.
From Tuesday, he texts me on SATURDAY. Not even wanting to meet up. Just saying hello. I threw out hints. He didn't even respond.
That said to me that nothing changed.
I took myself to see The Avengers. I swear...every cute couple in the vicinity made sure they walked in my path. I was heartsick.
On the train, there was a couple holding hands, talking, laughing. The guy would lovingly grab the back of the girl's neck. It was the sexiest thing. I started crying on the train.
I don't want roses everyday, grandiose expressions of love...I just want simple. Lets be together. Lets touch, laugh, talk.
No.
I wrote him an email.Here it is:

Dear DK,

I don't consider myself to be a bitch, a nag or a person to demand things because I don't like for people to bitch, nag or demand things of me. I met you a year ago. From the first date, my answer was yes. I thought that you were funny, hard-working, chivalrous and most of all special. I knew that I wanted to build something with you. My answer was yes from day 1. And so, a year later, when I ask you the same question....your answer is unclear to me. You say yes sometimes but your actions always say no. Honestly, it doesn't take a year to know if you like someone enough for a relationship.

Calling you is like playing Russian Roulette in my mind. Will he answer? Won't he? I plan out when I'm going to text you so I can get an answer by a certain time because I know it takes at least 20 minutes to hear back from you, sometimes hours or maybe days. The things I'm asking you for are simple. I'm not trying to get married or even have you change your FB status or declare your love for me. I'm simply asking for a phone call, a movie date, a stroll in the park but I feel like an asshole for asking for these things because you don't have time. But, you have time for the gym or going out with the guys or whatever you really want to do. When I see you, I want to hold your hand or hug you or show you that I like you with non-sexual affection but I feel like I'm going to be rejected if I do that. And so, if I feel like that...the answer is no. These things should come natural.

After our last conversation, the same two phrases came to my mind: "I don't want anything I have to beg for" and "If the answer is no, let me go." I am an amazing woman. I would figure out a way to get you the moon if you asked me. I feel as though I deserve someone who would at least get me a star. I feel like you would only want be around for sex or to hang around until you have it all figured out. I'm not a CD that you can pause, rewind, fast forward and play at your leisure. Foolishly, I've developed feelings for you and since you don't want me in the same way I want you, you're now hurting me.

This sucks because I have faith that no matter where you go and what you do, you will succeed in life. No matter what, you will win. Always remember that. I wish you the best. I hope that you have all that you really want and that any obstacles you encounter are just there to teach you something. I wanted us to be friends and enjoy the city together this summer. I wanted a lot for us but it is not possible.

Goodbye.

With love,

Nina

I feel like an idiot for falling for him. Now, my heart is hurting and there's nothing I can do. I hate it.
The worst part is he still hasn't responded.
Makes me feel even worse!
I've been pretending not to be hurt. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but it does hurt and I have cried. It was almost love. Love is so precious. There was no way I could stay and continue on and act like it was what I wanted. I'd rather pretend with myself than with someone else. Idk. Was I wrong?

Gye Nyame

I've been busy writing my first novel...it has been a crazy experience. I thought I wouldn't have enough creativity to carry a 50,000 word story but thankfully, it has been flowing pretty nicely. In my mind, it would be finished and published by July but I want to beable to take my time and really develop my idea fully. I haven't really been talking to many people about it and some are feeling like I'm neglecting them but honestly. I get off of work and I'm exhausted but I make myself write 2500 words a night. I don't really have room to chit chat about nothing really. I have work to do.
Its just annoying.
I've been super on the fence with DK because I feel like feelings are one-sided and that is not fun. I invited him to go out to dinner on me because he pays for every date and really I just wanted to pick his brain and tell him how I'm feeling. He canceled last minute. He's graduating from college and he had to pick up his cap and gown and he apparently didn't know until the last minute.
I felt like shit because I'd gotten all dressed up and was looking forward to it all day. He said he would make it up to me this Tuesday. I'm just not holding my breath with him anymore. Part of me just wants to let him go. I want to be with someone who is crazy about me. Lately, I've been with people who are just crazy.

Updates

(Written 4/26)
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again.  I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch.  Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
Smdh
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500.  After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood.  Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.
YOLO!

Eschatology

I feel like I'm growing up.
Slowly but surely, I'm becoming more a functioning adult.

What does that mean?

I'm acknowledging what I want:
-DK went out of town from Wednesday til Sunday. Tuesday night, I text him after all day of not hearing frm him.

Me: Do you ever think about me?
DK: Of course :*
Me: I'd like to hear from you more.

He then, proceeded to not contact me until today. I called him about 3 times during thatg period (5 days) and none of my calls were returned.
I thought about what I want and what I need.

I need attention.
Trini might have sucked in bed but man...if I EVER needed to talk...he was there. He was always on point with the good morning texts or the cutesy little pictures or the random messages in the middle of the day to say he was thinking about me. I'm no hypocrite. I suck at communication. I'm trying to get better but if I love you,. If I like you. You will FEEL that shit.

I am freaking BUSY but I called him. It might have been late in the evening, but so what...I asked him if he was in the conference for 5 days straight and thus, unable to call me back or contact me at all and he gave me some lame ass excuse about being caught up in reports and meetings and yadda yadda.

Bull. Shit.

Well, I think its partial bullshit.
I do think he was caught up. I do think he doesn't value communication. I do think he has shown me this before.

I don't think I can handle it.

I don't know how much more clearer I can make myself with him but we're going to have a face to face conversation about what I need. I'm not going to tell you my whole freakin life via text. If you want to build something with me...call me. Take me out, let's talk. If he or any other man interested in me can't do that...kick rocks bud.

I'm taking care of my finances:
I don't know how I was ever anyone's accountant!
I don't open my mail. I pay whatever I think my bill is...whenever I feel like paying my bills.
I stopped checking my credit score when I realized how depressing that shit is.
Whilst cleaning two days ago, I decided to open my mail.
I then realized, I forgot to pay my gas bill (since I don't use my stove - another story entirely) and I haven't paid the bill in months and they were about to shut my ish off. My student loan has defaulted and they want to garnish my wages. When I had my business, the federal government thought I hired people and so I owe taxes on wages I never paid anyone. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. The list really goes on and on. I owe back taxes from when I was on unemployment and the government didn't take out state taxes (common) and they have a tax lien on my credit report.

I'm not gonna lie.
I had a freaking PANIC ATTACK!

Then I calmed down. I wrote everything I owe down. It hurt. I'm working on a plan to pay everything off as much as I can while living comfortably.

In the past, I'd swear off eating to pay my bills and be on track for a week or two then realize, I like to eat. Then, I'd screw my bills and go shopping and be in more debt and tank my credit even further.

NO MORE. I need to be more responsible.

I'm securing a better future
By trying to figure out what that future is and working towards it.
I do want to be a business owner. I also have a dream of being an English teacher.
Owning a business that failed the first time, I would want to get a degree in that. Being an English teacher, I need a degree in English and certification.

What to do? What to do?

If  I stay on track with my bills, I can enroll in school in November with no problem. I need to figure out the best path and what options I'm going to take and also, where I will be living....(a whole 'nother 'nother story)

In short, I'm trying to get my act together.
It's not easy but I'm happy with my progress. We all have to start somewhere.

Darling Clementine

And so....we ordered food and walked to his apartment as the night was warm and inviting. We laid on his bed (no other furniture) as he looked for something to watch. He turned to me with a "look" in his eye and kissed me deeply.
"Is this the part where you jump me?"
"Yes ma'am," he said as he unbuttoned my pants. He slid down myself underwear and said, "Yess!" I laughed and then gasped as he spoke to my other lips for as long as I wanted him to. I pushed his head and body up and kissed him. 
 
I pushed myself on top of him and returned the favor. I found his sweet spot and he grabbed me and pushed me down on the bed and went down on me again. I stopped him early and said rather sexily...."I want penetration."
He laughed placing 2 fingers inside me.
"Damn! You're tight and wet," he said.
"Yup and I don't want fingers."
"Oh, you want this dick?"
I licked my lips.
We'd had the condom conversation a while back so it wasn't awkward.
When he entered me....oh my gosh! I suspect sex feels good for men since they're always in pursuit of it but I can't really understand how it feels for them.  For me, it is like a deep tickle or tingle. I also get off on squeezing it and getting my man off. We had sex twice. The second time, it was so good ....so passionate, I found myself squeezing him tighter and tighter and not letting go. I apologized because it wasn't fair....LOL. I practice kegels at work when I'm bored...ha! He came so hard. He didn't really hear my apology.
So....his roommate's sister has a daycare in their place and he didn't want me to do the walk of shame in front of toddlers. But his roommate said it should be OK. He had to work at 7:30 am which meant we had to leave at 6:45 the latest.
At 2am, we were still up watching The Walking Dead. (Don't ask) I wanted to sleep but he couldn't. I'm a light sleeper. I can't sleep unless its total silence and darkness.
Around 3, he knocked out and so did I. When his alarm clock woke us up at 6:30 and he begged for more sleep, I laughed.  Tired or not, when I'm up....I'm up.
And so, he fell back in a deep sleep while I looked out the morning window listening to the sounds of the street.
At 7am, we rushed out the house.
I stared at him in the elevator - his small slanted eyes...slightly smaller than mine....his full lips that feel like pillows when he kisses me. His broad shoulders and the way he walks....they turn me on. He's so proud and strong yet gentle. 
I thought about those eyes again and I said to myself...."Man, if we have kids, between the two of us, they may not be able to see."- of course, in a non-tragic way. I giggled a little. He opened his eyes.
"How is it that you look so fresh? Did you secretly get 8 hours of sleep?"
"I'm pretending."
As we walked, he talked about his day and why he had to be up so early. He's a computer engineer and they're expecting a shipment of parts that they have to work on.
Me: Why couldn't you sleep last night? I'm offended. I was doing my best to put you to bed.
Him: No, you killed me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I fell asleep for a second but I had to stay up because my roommate didn't have his keys.  I slept all day and so my body definitely wanted to sleep but my mind was just up. You did a good job. *pats me on the back*
Me: Smh. Lol.
I wanted to hold his hand.
In that moment, I said..."Shit. I like him. I want to be his girlfriend and I don't want to fuck this up."
He swiped his MetroCard to put me on the train and held out his arms to hug and kiss me.
"Have a great day Nina."
"You too DK."
I smiled as the train came....I had a long day ahead.

Yikes!

Every time I sit down and say, "Ok, today, I will blog;" my eyelids get heavy and it feels like the weight of my day begins to weigh heavily on me.

Let me see if I can update you on my life as best as I can:

Men
Trini and I have had sex twice. Oh, yes, I'm a little minx. Mainly, schedule conflicts keep us off of each other and some other issues have me recently wanting to be hands off.
Sex with Trini is awesome. He knows what he's doing and he does it well....but....I have been having some bleeding issues. As in, I start to bleed when he's penetrating me. Soooooo...that puts a real downer on things. He was turned-off. I was worried. I went to the doctor. Side note: Waiting for the genitals doctor, they play those awful videos about HIV. The one that struck me the most was the lady who was living with her boyfriend for 4 years and she went to the doctor for a routine check-up and they did an HIV test and it came back positive. She had to work up the courage to tell her boyfriend and he said that he had AIDS for 8 years. I get tested before and after every partner and usually, I get tested on December 1st (World AIDS Day) and I always use condoms and such but I was SHOOK. Condoms break, tests fail, et cetera....but of course, I was negative. All other STD tests were negative but a Pap smear was done. My cervix was red. The doctor said it could just be irritated from the friction and is 90% sure its not an STD. And umm...the doctor was BFF's mom. BFF's mom studied at Northwestern and Columbia and has been practicing medicine for my entire life. It was weird at first to drop trou...but she was super gentle quick and gave me a hug after. So, I've been dragging my feet a bit to have sex with Trini now because if I start bleeding again, it would just be SOOOOOO draining! It's enough for me to not want to be celibate anymore.

Speaking of Trini....
Yesterday, I called him randomly during the course of my day.
Me: Hey boo. What are you up to?
Trini: Just leaving therapy.
Me: Therapy?
Trini: Yes. we're in marriage counseling.

I swear all of the air left my body as I heard that. I understand why he's in marriage counseling. No one wants to be divorced. As he told me, she got everything in the settlement of the divorce. It has been difficult and he doesn't want to not be married but....DAMN! So, yes...part of me...was like RUN Nina. Run for your life! The other part was like...at least he's honest. Most dudes would gas you and make you think things are one way but they are totally different and then drop you once they have what they want.

Oy! I'm a little disappointed but I already knew what I was getting myself into so I should really just buck up and find someone else which brings me to....

Stark. Not sure if its even worth mentioning but I met this dude online. He talked the talk boyyyyy. he was so cute and funny, snarky and witty. He totally decided to fall off thef ace of the Earth. Part of me is like...he's not the man for you if he did thart but ugh...imagine if you founf someone you click with in most ways and then boom...he drops you. I'm super sick of dating. I just want God to reveal my husband to me in a dream or something.

Guess who's bzack?? DK!
Posts on DK

He invited me to dinner which ended with me kissing him so passionately, he got a hard-on and wanted to come back home with me. What can I say? I am an amazing kisser. LOL
I don't sleep with more than one person at a time, so I said no. We've been texting back and forth. Its been really casual. I used to be really into him. Now I'm like "meh."

I just need some fresh meat.

Updates!

I'm still alive ya'll.

Let me try to update you guys in a way that in concise and ish.

Love and Other Drugs

In my mind DK and I are done-zo. I'd been weaning myself off of thinking about him after we went out about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We met up and sat in Bryant Park. We talked about some things. He basically said what he always says...hold on....when I start school it will be better. I'll have less jobs...yadda yadda yadda....

I won't lie. I was kinda stuck on him because I don't like anyone. A man has to have the right mix of intellect, ambition, humor and social skills for me to melt like butter. He has it. Every relationship needs attention and affection to grow and we weren't growing. So, I needed to move on so that I wouldn't remain stuck and I wouldn't start resenting him.

At the end of the day, I felt like he had me on lay-away and that he just wasn't that into me. Today in church, my pastor said the craziest thing. He said, "Ladies, don't you ever wait for a man. Once you wait and they come back to you, they realize they've outgrown you." - Oh hells nawl. I'm not going to be a sucka. All I can see is...*Antoine D voice* 'He is dumb. he is really really dumb' - to not want to scoop my flyy ass up. *drops mic* "Sexual Chocolate everybody!"

So, of course in my craziness, I decided to try Match.com on the insistence of BFF and Toni Childs. I tried it free and poked my head around because I felt like anyone paying $20 - $40 a month is hella serious about finding someone. Of course, all the dudes that hit me up were over 40, sometimes over 50. and white. Ummm, I would date a white boy. He has to be a certain type of man. Old and over 50 is not him. So, I need to delete my profile.

Smh.

I think I'm just going to give this whole dating thing a rest. Its becoming an anxious thing for me. Everytime I go out, I think...am I going to see a cute guy today? If so, will he/I be interested? Its a drain!

That draining feeling is what kind of kept me stuck on DK for longer than it would've normally had...because the process of finding someone sucks. I guess because they're supposed to find you.

I am kinda lonely though. Lonely is no joke. Lonely eats at you. Lonely gets you into trouble because you run to the wrong things trying to get away from it. It hasn't driven me insane yet. So, I guess I'm alright.


Work and Projects

Work was kicking my ass for a while (like a month and a half). I literally am at work all day like "these people are nuts!" My body is used to standing up all day. Its the salary that needs adjusting. I'm trying to move my way up and stuff.

I was Service Leader of the Day which means I got $10, my pic on the wall in the lunchroom and 3 pseudo-expensive perfumes. The other girls are hating. So, me being me, I started singing Trina "Baddest Bitch" to them.

My boss keeps saying that I'm her favorite. That ish is going to cause contention with my co-workers soon. I can tell but I'm hoping that it'll be okay. I may have an opportunity to do a makeup event with my company and go traveling to the different stores. *crossed fingers*

I need more money!! Damn!

I resigned my position at the magazine. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. I wished Editor the best and I meant it. Her dependency on me was probably holding her back. Who knows? Only God.

Friends

BFF had Baby BFF on August 16th. She was 7lbs 10oz. She is a doll!!!
Punjabi has been really excellent with the baby and of course BFF has stars in her eyes and ish. she needs to get real about what she wants and what's feasibly her future with dude.

He overheard me and Toni talking bad about him. I felt bad and sent him an apology text. My friendship with BFF is changing. I realized two things about her.

1. She can't hold water. She told me about a conversation she had with her ex-husband. She told him that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told everyone that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told her ex that Toni saw him on TV twice in the same jeans. The first thing he said was, "Tell Toni to stop fucking her cousin." O.O In the moment, it was funny but then I thought...if she told this man she speaks to maybe 10 times a year something hella personal about Toni, what has she told him about me? What does Toni know about me if I know some SHIT about her? For a moment, it felt hypocritical of me to blog about her in detail and I have told Twin some stuff about BFF and Toni but the people I've told stuff, I know they would never ever throw it back in her face. The chances of you blog readers of meeting me and her aren't that slim but I'm sure you decent people wouldn't be like..."wait, are you the girl that was fucking her cousin?" after saying hello.

Now that I think about it, Toni mentioned something in mixed company that I did and I was hella embarassed about it. She only knew about it because BFF told her. SO, I guess that puts the nail in that coffin. Moral of the day, ladies and gents, if a friend tells you something and you just MUST share it: blog it anonymously and make sure they don't dig blogs, tell someone whom you know will never tell another soul or at least blurt it out in front of them or just tell it to Jesus.

2. Toni also said she would stop telling BFF about her relationship with Punjabi. Clearly, she's not going anywhere. Why should I listen to her bitch and moan about what he does to her - what she allows him to do to her - when she doesn't heed my advice? My advice hasn't changed... Leave that n-word alone! Since she wants to marry him (!!!) and make babies with him and such...what I say is like a drop in a bucket of water - inconsequential.

I know our relationship is changing because once you start limiting your communication with people...what you can and can't say to them...its over!

But the other part of me is saying I need life-long friends around me. What do you think?


That's all for now.

captain obvious

i asked zhang what school does she go to. she said, "esl. english as a second language because i'm asian. i don't know english very well."

i smiled not wanting to laugh out loud literally.

that's like me telling her, "I'm black."

uhhh...duh. (on the asian part)

she's so cute and sweet though.
other than her...the other girls are catty, funny, horny, petty and are at some level of frustration with working with the company.

there was an incident yesterday where one of the girls told me to "do it yourself" with helping a customer because she wanted to put the sale down on her record sheet. i was like...for $14, you want to piss off your co-worker. i spoke to the manager about it because...clearly, they don't know that i don't play that shit. no one speaks to me crazy and i don't want to show them the hard way...by speaking to her even crazier. i have to keep professional because i'm a black lady with an afro. they expect less of me.

this chick goes hard in the paint to make $2,000 a day.
at the end of the year, if she makes $200,000, she gets a pin. if she makes $280,000, she gets $700. that's not even 10%...not even 5% of what she made the company but she's going to create enemies at work for $700 and a pin. ummm...yea ok. she has ONE MORE TIME to speak to me like she has no sense. brown people man...we get so caught up in nonsense.

the money i get paid is comparable to the money i make on unemployment which isn't much. she gets paid less than me. its like they throw pennies at us and we just can't get enough. gtfoh.

i've learned my lesson. my last job i worked crazy hours, had the company blackberry...was always stressed. and they just laid me off without even a courtesy of a thank you or a call to let me know i was laid off. i am NOT ever killing myself like that for a company again.

most of my day is spent trying to explain to people from spain, france, japan or korea what the hell foundation, toner, face wash, etc is using pantomime. the other part of my day is trying to figure out which of the 30 unlabeled drawers the product is in and making sure these chicks don't steal my customers.

i get home. my ankles, legs and knees are killing me. i'm grateful to have a job, especially because i just got a letter in the mail. i think my unemployment is ending.bff called today and said they abruptly ended her unemployment. she's going to have to find a way somehow. it was after 7:30, so i can't check my benefit status. i'm sure my benefits have ended too. so..i got this job in the nick of time.

but i'm still looking.

i was walking home and a lady had a black and white shih tzu with her. it was a girl and had a cute little red bow. i swear the dog almost walked up to me. it was panting a little bit which i equate to being a dog's version of a smile. i wanted to grab the dog and run but see above about my physical state after work and i guess that's wrong of me to do. lol. bff says its rocky's way of reaching out to me from beyond. i still expect to see him when i get home from work. i still smell him around the house (in a good way - the shampoo i used on him)...*sigh*

dk and i talk periodically. he says work is killing him. *sigh*
i'm not waiting for him but nothing else is striking my fancy right now. so...eh.

what else....
i decided i wanted to get a puzzle piece tattoo and i want my husband to get the puzzle piece that fits mine tattooed on him but i want the tattoo to be somewhere random like on my ribcage. *gasp* my husband should get the tattoo on his rib because that's where God made woman from..the man's rib. (things i think about on the train) i think it would be super cute.

i want braids but the african lady wants $250 for some poetic justice braids that go down to my waist.

NOT I SAID THE BLIND MAN!!

i'm sure even janet jackson didn't pay $250 for those damn braids back then.

i gotta do something. i'm starting to resent this bush on my head.

other than that...my apartment still looks like a crack den. if i dont do laundry soon, i'll have to wear boy shorts to work (and those thing give you a perma-wedgie all day). my grandmother's nursing home keeps calling me about stuff. i'm overwhelmed. its like i can only manipulate one part of my life at a time. my work life is (sorta) winning.

tmobile is bugging...they say that i need to pay them $109 for a phone i sent back a month ago because they haven't received it yet and $130 to replace the phone i have now because the screen is shattered. i paid $50 to get the phone in the first place...WTF?!

if its not one thing...its another!

that's it. hopefully i have the energy for more salicious reading soon.

stream of consciousness

this weekend was bff's baby shower. it all came together very beautifully. she almost cried at how we decorated and she got SO.MUCH.STUFF. i would love to have a baby shower without the baby.i got up at 7am. i got home at 12am. i was soo tired. my body hurts. i hate certain people right now but she was happy so its all good.

thinking about dk and how much things change when people have sex. i'm wondering if i'm even ready to take that step or if i'm listening to my hormones. there are things he doesn't do that bothers me. such as...i can tell he's not big on pda. i reach for his hand. i initiate kisses in public but in private he's all over me. i get it. but private pda leads to other things. i just like affection. also, our communication sucks. i get that he's busy but ugh! i am not a phone person but i would appreciate if 90% of our communication did not occur via text. "people" generally say that my method of communicating what i want is aggressive and blunt. how do i say what i want (and get it) without being bitchy?

so....i'm checking my fb and guess who friend requested me...THE NIGERIAN. what an asshole! i told bff, he's like michael meyers as jason. you burn him, you cut him up...he still comes out of the water to kill again. my first inclination was to curse him out but then i thought...that's exactly what he wants...he wants me to engage him because it gives him an in to try and charm his way back in. no way jose. fuck off.

the brit (my uk friend how stayed with me last summer for a month, was messy and caused a mouse problem) called and text me yesterday. every african person i've met have been the most persistent people i know. it is super positive when they're in business or have a goal in mind but super annoying when they've offended you and you just want them to take a long walk on a short bridge and they just refuse to do so. (the brit is from ghana but grew up in paris and london)

speaking of africans, dk gets sorta offended when i ask about nigeria.
i asked how he got around the city after he told me a story about how his sister hit someone when she was driving one time. i asked if he drove everywhere, walked or took public transportation. the look he gave me..JESUS! i said.. "look..i've never been to africa and i'm genuinely interested in what its like there. stop waiting for me to say something ignorant about your country or your continent. sheesh!" that seemed to ease him up a bit. he told me about the bus system in nigeria which apparently isn't that great. lol. i told him about the bus system in bermuda which i've never been on because it costs $5 to get on the damn bus. i'd rather walk. thankyouverymuch.

my mom says she's in mourning and doesn't want to speak to anyone really. she hasn't been to church since my aunt passed and she just wants to sell everything and move down south. i have no clue what to say to her. so, i'm letting her ride it out. sometime this week, i'll schedule an intervention.

not to brag but..i've beat jake at scrabble 6 times in a row. he says i'm the only one he hasn't beaten and he's determined to play me until he beats me. the friend in me says to let him win but the competitor says...hell no!i am getting tired of winning though but his tenacity is amazing.

i lost my part-time job. my boss' boss said he didn't need me. i kind of knew it on thursday when he told me not to come in on friday but i'm hoping i got the job i interviewed for on friday although the pay sucks monkey balls. *sigh*

my driving lessons are going well. i'm getting the hang of it. i just need to practice more which means i need to get someone to let me practice with their vehicle. i want my license by september 5th!!!

money is funny and it aint no joke. bff's baby shower gift was $80! baby shit is expensive, i got her a pack of 94 diapers, 3-pack of baby wipes, 3-pack of receiving blankets, baby shampoo, baby lotion and diaper rash cream. i didn't realize it would be so much but i wanted to make sure she got something she could use.plus there were unexpected expenses.like..hey someone run out and get some fruit juice for the punch or chocolate for a game or more ribbon. smh. now, i'm trying to do some creative accounting to get a mani-pedi tomorrow. my feet feel like hell and who knew you're not supposed to leave your pedi bean in the shower. the thing smell like a body decomposing after a while. and, umm, i want to get waxed... *giggles* when you know company is coming over, you mow the lawn, right? i now KNOW i won't have a job so...yea, that gets tricky.

that is all for now. hope your weekend was fab!

Mandingo

i came home from work after a rather disappointing day. i stopped at pathmark and bought some groceries, pink roses and sangria. i made spagghetti with ground beef, kielbasa, stewed tomatos and spinach and texas toast.dk came over just as i was heating up the bread.

as he walked in, he played with my hyper dog for 5 minutes and said he was exhausted. rocky loves new people and also if you play fetch with him...he could play it for hours and hours.

"What are you feeding this guy?" he asked.

I laughed and put Rocky in my bedroom because I knew what was next..he was going to start humping his leg...smh

anyway, i went to check on the bread and when i turned around, he did like that dude with anika noni rose in for colored girls....when i turned back around he was shirtless and pantless. he only had on boxer briefs.

i said, "sir, why are you nakeed?"

he said..."I am not naked. i am waiting for you to service me."

"excuse me?"

"remember you promised me a massage."

i truly forgot.

"did you want to eat first?"

"no, later."

so, i got the lotion, he laid on my couch and i gave him a super massage...for like 30 minutes. (one instance of how dude is going to have me WORK.)

he got up and had this huge boner. we jokingly call him mandingo (he told me a story of how this (white) girl approached him online and said she wanted an african mandingo such as he. and so, from there, we both refer to him as mandingo when we talk most often. but, umm it wasn't a joke as he got up..wow! Dude is as thick as my fist and at least a good 9/10 inches.

"Put that thing away!"

"Why?"

"Just..please. Think about giraffes, baby elephants, lions...baseball."

He laughed but looked disappointed and sad. So, we ate dinner and had polite conversation. I showed him my online portfolio so he could see my work. He looked up some stuff and then all of a sudden he goes...

"Did you google me?"
"Me? Google you? Noooooo" (I did)
"Are you sure?"
"I don't think I did."
He turned the computer around and showed me his soccer profile (he plays for his college team) which I found whilst googling him.
EGG ON MY FACE.

Note to self: If your boo is a Computer Engineer and works as an IT Guy, try not to hide things from him on your PC.

We sat down to watch Law Abiding Citizen. After one kiss, he was hard again.

I shook my head.

"Why are you not responding to me?"
"I have my period."
"Ohhhhh...."

He looked down at himself.

"You could say hello."

"Hello Little Mandingo." I poked it with my finger and laughed.
He got up and put it in my face.

I looked up at him and put it in my mouth.
It had been soooo long...but its like riding a bike, right? (lol)

I was at it for a good 45 minutes when I thought to myself..."Self, this is the part where you usually have sex because your mouth is tired. Your jaw hurts and you're really not used to such strenuous activity. He was trying to make me deep throat it but...I couldn't! I really couldn't! I've never felt my gag reflexes kick in before but I felt the food in my stomach coming up.

I felt like I was punking out.

"I'm tired."

"What?"

"My mouth is tired."

"Get some lube."

I got it and gave him a hand job for another 45 minutes.

"DUDE."

"What?"

"You're ridiculous. THIS is not the time to be thinking about giraffes, baseball, monkeys, lions...this is the time to make yourself cum."

"I told you I could go for a long time."

"I know."

He leaned over and whispered sexy things in my ear about how he would slide his Mandingo in me and make me cum over and over again. The look in his eye told me he meant it and I was so sad. I wanted to do it. Sex changes things...especially for me. I don't think he realizes that.

Sex changes me in 2 ways: 1. I become uber clingy. I transform from this sexy confident woman to this little girl who is unsure of where we stand. This time, I need us to have a conversation so I can know for sure...but really, you never really know.

2. I transform from the celibate nun to a crazed nympho who wants to do it at least 2 - 3 times a week. With Aussie, if he didn't break me off at least twice per week, I'd get angry..ANGRY! The distance from his house to my house (2 hours on the train - 45 minutes by car.) kind of puts a damper on frequent nookie.

Anywhosies...he started jerking himself because I felt like I was in the gym.

"Do you have condoms?" he asked.

"No." I knew he could tell I was lying. (I'm a horrible liar that's why I practice telling the truth.) I didn't want this to be my first time with him. #1. I had my period which makes things...messy (messier) and #2. I had my period which means he couldn't go down on me and to take his giant penis, I need all the lubrication and arousal I can get.
"You're going to break me into pieces."

"Yes I am," he growled in my ear. (Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!)
He exploded all over my breasts and I laughed as I got us wash cloths and we cleaned ourselves off remembering my earlier convo with Wynsters about there not being any hanky panky whatsoever...I was so sure of it.

Later,as I was trying to write this post, I was listening to some music (a la the last post) and was just imagining how it will be next time. He's super passionate and yea...he will break me into pieces.

As I sat in bed thinking about how delicious everything was...the food, the kissing, the touching...I tweeted, "Its so hard being holy."

Indeed it is.

This Is How It Works

If you can...listen to these songs. Post (with words) forthcoming.

le sigh

my aunt passed away this morning.

what do you say about death? my mom called and left me a message to tell me. i didn't listen to the message. i just called her back. in retrospect, that was a bad idea. i called her like.."hey what's up?" then she puts my cousin on the phone and i say,

"there's nothing anyone will say to make you feel better. your mom is okay. everything is going to be okay. the pain you're going through will not go away magically but the pain will be less sharp. you will be fine."

not sure if those are sage words. everyone always calls me like..i know what to say when a parent dies. i don't.

i carried on with my work day and the magic hour came and i got paid.

*cue disco ball*

i called around to driving schools and found a school that charges $185 for 5 (1-hour) lessons. Most schools give 45 minute lessons...me (and my weekly earnings) went and paid for the lessons. i felt like such a grown up. (look at me doing what i've been wanting to do since the beginning of time) i got home and called the refrigerator repair guy. in 20 minutes (and much picking up of shoes that rocky had eaten) later, he came to tell me my motor was broken and i need a new fridge.

mom called to tell me she needs money. she had to buy clothes. she expected to be down south for a weekend..a week later, she's still looking at another week.

my driving lessons seem less important...as say...giving my mother money or buying a mini-fridge (which costs the same amount of money)

i felt foolish.
until...i realize. heyyyy..wait a damn minute....i had to buy lessons because NO ONE will teach me. (not even my mom). I've been wanting to buy lessons since MARCH. it is JUNE. i worked hard all week...specifically for this purpose and damn it! i will rock those lessons!


i hung out with DK on Wednesday. this guy...something is missing. i keep telling myself...but i can't figure out what. he's super easy to be around and talk to. there's attraction. there's passion. there's also a sensibility. i feel comfortable sleeping with him right now (kinda..always have that puritan guilt) but i like waiting. HE wants to wait. i offered for him to come over and he said no. he wanted to wait. *grins* there's so much we don't know about each other. how do older people do it? get to know each other...date. it feels like the other person had this WHOLE LIFE before you. i guess, they go into it knowing they can't know all the details about the other person.

i am enjoying this time when i discover new things i like about him.
like...

i like that he is super nerdy by accident. he's a computer engineering student but he's working in IT already. wednesday, he had his backpack with all his computer parts and he was telling me about his day. super nerdy. i was like "oh yea, defragment my hard drive baby..." lol..i'm super nerdy as well.

i like that he's honest. i realize that americans like things in a cute little package (how japanese of us). specifically, we like the truth wrapped in a jasmine scented bow. people who are not american (*ahem* nigerian men) tell you things like i don't know.... "your butt is huge but i like it." or "your breasts are in my face." *adjusts shirt* "they are stilll in my face because they are big. its okay. don't worry." with a big smile on their face. it is the truth but it kinda makes you go "damn...can i get a euphemism?" there is no gray area. he said, "nina, i like you. i am also sexually attracted to you. you smell nice." - not in one sentence but several sentences sprinkled in a conversation. gray areas for me cause anxiety. my whole relationship with the nigerian was freakin gray. yes, spell things out for me!!

i like that i can be myself. yes, i want to look good but i don't feel like that's all he sees. yes, i'm on my best behavior still but i can still say whatever i want to say. i can breathe.

anyways...see what i did there? i distracted myself from death and not having anything cold to drink in the house (sans tap water) so..i like that he does that. lol "oh yea baby...distract me...rarr"

What DE Hell?

I woke up this morning with a scratch in my throat. By the time I got to work it was a full-on cold. The pharmacist told me it wasn't a cold and to just take some sore throat drops. By the time I got home, I have a bitchin headache and a fever. I am no good sick (You guys know this). HELP!

Because I feel like poo...of course I canceled the date with DK. I can't have him seeing me with half-dazed eyes, runny nose and reduced to a child with silent pleadings...of HELP ME!

Its too early to expect him to take care of me.

Something is wrong with my fridge. My freezer is melting.I checked the thermostat...it works fine. I turned off the power from the fuse box and then turned it on...that's fine. All the food in it has gone bad...what can I do? I'm sick! AND I just went grocery shopping last week! My joint is fully stocked! *sigh*

I found out my grandmother is back in the hospital. She was sitting alone n the house for 2 days before her landlord found her and called an ambulance. How did he expect I would know? He didn't even have the courtesy to call me. Geez Louise. To be honest, I didn't even feel bad/sad/genuine concern. Just tired. I tell her to call me if she needs anything. When I call her she lies and says everything is fine. WTF??? I am not a mind-reader and that "I'm old and made so many mistakes that I deserve to be sad and rot away in my house" thing is TIRED...and so am I.

I left mad comments on everyone's blog and they didn't go through.

Oh, and the cherry on top is that my phone won't charge with the wall charger. It only charges from my computer. Why yes! This is the new phone I just got like a week ago. It literally takes 8 hours to charge fully from the computer and an hour to charge from the wall.

#Jesusbeatropicalislandandacolddrink

I feel like I just can't deal. I don't even wanna tell my mom/the landlord because all I'm gonna hear is how I don't give her any money and I expect a light in the hallway and working refrigerators. May the Lord strengthen me because its true...when it rains, it pours.

On ze bright side. rocky made me laugh today...i was walking him for about 20 minutes and then we got back to my house...he ran to the grass and just laid in it....his tongue sticking out like he was in heaven. He is such a joy to have around.

know your role

(continuation from last night)


Inner Goddess: We have a new booyyyyyyyfriend.
Me: No we don't. We have a nice guy we're going to date. He's not our boyfriend.
Inner Goddess: *pouts*

I boarded the train and sat with all intention of writing a post about my date with DK.

Inner Goddess: *cabbage patches* We have a boyyyfriend. I said a boyyyyfriend.
Me: Shut up! How old are you anyway?
Inner Goddess: *hums* mmm mmm mmm a boyyyyyyyyyyfriend.

*man walks on train* *sits across from me*

Dude: Excuse me sista...can I talk to you? I hope its no bother.
Me: Its no bother.
Inner Goddess: No bother at all because YOU FINE!

He was at least 6 feet tall, dark-skinned, neatly dressed in jeans, gray cardigan with a white shirt underneath and clean white sneakers. His hair was a low fade and his goatee was neatly trimmed. What I kept staring at was his full juicy lips. They were the type of lips a girl like me (thin-lipped) could get lost in.

Dude:Do you have a man?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: No
Dude: You're too cute to be on this train by yourself this late.Where are you coming from?
Me: A date with this guy
Dude: Oh, is he special?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: Not sure yet. We'll see where it goes.

He then proceeds to tell me about his girlfriend of 17months who hates children because she's not able to have them and how she doesn't really like his son even though his son lives with him and his girl. He then proceeded to tell me about how he's trying to get out of that situation and he's looking for a friend. And can I be that friend? All my instincts said run but when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.

To prove to IG that DK is NOT my boyfriend. He is just someone I am currently dating.
that I happen to like.

Today, we had Bible Study and afterward, I told a girl my church about TN, the end of my celibacy, him taking advantage of me, the aftermath...how I felt so disconnected from God and how I didn't want that to happen again. I feel lust for DK and my natural instinct is to feed on that feeling - make it grow big and strong and then cut it up into juicy steaks and feast on it for days. (if you catch my drift)

She said a lot to me about the situation but the one thing that stuck out to me was something our pastor said to her:

"Do whatever you want. If you want to go to the club, drink, have sex...do it. God will forgive you but He will not use you. Do you want to be forgiven and live in whatever sin you feel like doing or do you want to be used by God?"

I'm so disrespectful...my first thought was "I want to do whatever I want and be forgiven." but that's not REALLY what I want. I thought about my dance and how I love to dance to glorify God and how heartbreaking it would be to dance to glorify God and to show others His love and magnificence and no one gets anything out of it. Worse, God says..."Oh yea, you're moving really pretty but I don't get anything out of it. No one feels anything."

So, I have a choice. DK wants me to go to his house tomorrow after work to chill and hang out. I know I usually fall into the trap where I want to have sex but that is ME.I initiate it (in all cases except for Blair and TN)... and so I can choose not to go to his house and figure out a date out that's cheap and fun or I can choose to go and trust myself. Talking to my friend, I told her this...

Me: I like being affectionate. I love to kiss and hug.Kissing and hugging leads to other things.
CP: Why do you feel the need to be affectionate?
Me: Because it makes me feel wanted when I am and they are back to me.
CP: That's a legitimate need. How did you fall into that pattern with your last relationship? You didn't just one day open your legs out the blue.
Me: Right. I let him touch me and then I let him see me naked and then I let him do oral and then he penetrated me and it was too far but it was also too late and he didn't stop.
DN (another friend): You need to be upfront about where you are and have control of your actions so he knows you're serious. If you feel like you're allowing yourself to go too far, stop.
CP: You guys should be group-dating. That'll take the pressure off.
Me: Yes but we don't have friends in common.
DN: You need to trust yourself. Stop and think instead of living in the moment and then regretting it once you're done. Its not worth it.
Me: Its not.
CP: Living the way we do - being celibate and living for Christ - it takes sacrifice. The things we sacrifice are the things we really like to do.

The conversation went on....

Inner Goddess: Why do you like sex?
Me: I don't really LIKE sex. I like foreplay. I like making men's bodies shudder. I like exploring and playing but the actual penetration bit means nothing to me.
Inner Goddess: So, why do you do it if you don't get much out of it?
Me: Most of the time with TN, I did it because he liked it. He never made me climax or anything but I compromised because I didn't want to lose him.
Inner Goddess: Sad.
Me: I know.

DN: Yea, don't be afraid of losing men because you're not ready or don't want to have sex. If they leave, let them leave because clearly their motives were all wrong.
Inner Goddess: Kindly leave my head. Please and thank you.
CP: Its true. Most women have sex to keep a relationship going when if you take that away, there's no real relationship.
DN: For me, it was..okay, you know I'm a Christian and I want to wait til marriage but if you see me compromise in this way...when the time comes, you will compromise for me.
CP: Yea but that never happens and then you feel like...you gave up something sacred for nothing.
DN: Yep and the last time I had sex, I got pregnant. Man oh Man! Having a child is no joke.
CP: So why - after all you've been through - would you go back and have sex with this man?
Inner Goddess: In hopes that it really will turn into him being our boyfriend.
Me: I don't know.
CP: {Pray on it. God will reveal it to you.
DN: Yes and you control you.

And there it goes folks...

Damaged

"Man, Nina, I've been through some shit. Look at these marks on my arm," he said showing me dark brown bruises that were thin and long across his wrist. "My lower back and my ass is fucked up," he continued, "These are from being caned."

I thought two things:

1. My little ole 3 leather belt beatings and a slap across the face are nothing compared to being caned.
2. He is open. He is telling me things. I don't have to pull teeth to hear stories about Nigeria, about his family, about emigrating to America, about his life...he is telling me and trusting that I'm not going to be scared or ignorant or anything.

I was so taken aback and then I realized..."Omg, am I damaged goods?"

He's interested in me and my day and what I do.

"What do you have to do tonight?"
"I'm washing my dog."
"You do the coolest things."

Not really.He calls. He texts. He is NICE.

Do you know how long its been since a guy was genuinely nice to me...and all I keep thinking is how stiff and guarded I am. How I may push him away because I am broken.

After the whole TN fiasco, I built these walls. I know something about walls. My dad showed me how to put up sheet rock against 4 x 4s and how to plaster and sand and that's exactly what I did with my personality. I erected giant 4x4s and fortified them with sheet rock and steel...all because I opeened up to the wrong guy. A guy who made me feel like my personality didn't rock out and that I should just smile and wear something tight and heels that are high. A guy who must've been hurt so deeply his walls were all steel and granite. A guy who just wanted me as a trophy...a guy who wouldn't tell me anything about himself besides business worries and endless parties he wanted me to go to..never anything about his past or future...a guy who dropped hints about how he wanted to change me...with you should go running to lose weight or you should let your hair grow...who chipped at me slowly...a guy who never really showed me affection unless it was to show other guys I was with him (i.e. he catches them checking me out and so he rubs my back and tells them...oh have you met her, she's a model..no really, he did this the last time I saw him) A guy who just wanted sex and food and then discarded all of my feelings.

And now, here's DK.
And I feel like I'm a broken doll who looks cute but as soon as you pick her up, her eye falls out or her head falls off and you see that her hair has been cut uneven and one shoe is missing.

*sigh*

Also...how cool is it that this guy makes me want to be better?

And...its so early (like a week) so I'm trying to keep my head.

P.S. Maybe its my fault - the whole model thing. When FB had a section to write whatever...that little box under your face, I wrote "Lover of Jesus. Leader of the Nerd Revolution. Makeup Artist. Beauty Editor for Magazine. (blah blah blah) Oh yea, I'm a model." The model part was supposed to be a joke because EVERY big girl who is pretty on FB wrote that they were a model. He asked me, "Are you really a model?" I said, "No. I did pose for a few photo shoots but they never really went anywhere. I hate pictures that other people take of me anyway...so, not really." (just to clarify)

The Pursuit of ...

As we left the park, I almost wanted to hold his hand. I realized then the deep bitter taste that The Nigerian had left in my mouth. I also realized how I was to blame for it.

We met on a dating site that I'd been dormant on for a while. His note was short, sweet, funny and led me to his profile which stated he is studying Engineering. We passed notes and he kept on being sweet and funny.

"Where are you from?"

"Nigeria."

I groaned audibly as I poured over the words hoping I'd missed something.

…"But I grew up in Lagos."

The  Nigerian had poisoned me to his brethren. I sighed. I would give this one a shot. After all, Nigeria is a really big country. Not all men from there should be bad. So, I agreed to a coffee date. We met at Starbucks in Columbus Circle. We walked through Central Park and sat by the duck pond watching people row boats and he talked. I realize that I let most people just talk and talk. Of course, if I have something pertinent to say, I will but for the most part, I will just listen. I've also found that when you let people talk and talk, they'll really be themselves, thus allowing you to really gain an understanding for who they are. He made me laugh. He made me sad. He made me cringe with his stories from Nigeria and even in America. (Some) Americans are really ignorant when it comes to people who are not born here but I think with Africans, it is worse. He said some people were surprised that they had cars in Africa. Seriously? No, they get around in horse-drawn carriages. Africa has many beautiful cities. *sigh*

I found myself apologizing on behalf of stupid Americans, many of them black making dumb-ass statements.

He sparked something in me as well…my own American Dream. He works really hard and he said some things that had me thinking…I haven't worked hard in a few months just because I've been depressed which is really NO EXCUSE.

I kind of steered us out of the park and home after I realized we'd spent 2 ½ hours talking. I believe first dates should be short. He got on the downtown train with me only to go back uptown to Queens. Departing, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. He urged me to text him to make sure I got home okay.

And then as soon as he got off the train….*drumroll please*

I pulled chicken from my purse and ate it.

Okay, to be fair, I hadn't eaten all day. As I was on my way to meet up with him I stopped by the chicken shack to get a 2 piece and a roll to eat on the train. The MTA was being difficult and was over-crowded. I didn't want to be a double-statistic (being a big girl and black) and pull out a drumstick on a crowded train and eat it, so I ate the roll. Then, we met up and it's kind of umm…alarming to (be a big girl and) pull out a piece of chicken from your purse out of nowhere and eat it. So, at the end…I tore it up. The train was empty. It was magical.

Later, I called Twin and told him about my date.

"I was wrong..all wrong when I was trying to date The Nigerian. Firstly, I was celibate for 19 months. Clearly, I was out of my mind. In those 19 months, I not only grew my hymen back but I also grew back some of the naiveté that came along with being a virgin. Naïve to think that after he got what he wanted, he'd want more with me. Naïve to jump in with 2 feet. I belly-flopped into a situation I couldn't handle because I was lonely. All I did was see through the eyes of my loneliness and blinded myself to some major red flags…like how much he did NOT respect me or even fake like he did for one second. I gave him power he never had and I paid dearly for it. So, this guy…we can move like snails. If he has a problem, I'm okay with being alone. Being alone is better than compromising."

 

He was like…"You tell 'em Sista Souljah."

 

Everyone in my life is so disrespectful. Lol

Anywhosies…mom tried to ruin my day by giving me shit for not doing anything for her for Mother's Day. I kind of just shut down emotionally with her altogether because "I don't do right by her" but I'm the only kid that doesn't text message her on every freaking holiday. She can be mad. I'm  not faking it anymore.

I made some banging spaghetti with kielbasa, spinach, onions, celery, diced tomatoes and carrots and watched "The Pursuit of Ha.ppy.ness."  The new guy, let's call him DK called me to tell me he had a great time. I smiled. Today was a good day.

 

 

 

(didn't have to bust my AK)