Monday, October 29, 2012

meat grinder

I have never really known the meaning of the word, 'no.' I know what you're thinking...I must be spoiled or have always gotten my way but, I always saw 'no' as a detour to 'yes' and pretty much everything I've ever done in my that started with 'no' ended in 'yes' some way or another.

Because, I'm fucking determined.

The previous posts...that poetry was inspired by DK. For a short while, I thought we would get back together and that we were going to be okay. Obviously, I was wrong.

Suddenly. my phone calls and texts are unreturned. It's like he fell off the planet.
At first, I was worried....something must've happened! He must be hurt or dead or deported. Surely, he wouldn't just be ignoring me. Then it set in that that's precisely what he was doing.

I feel hurt, stupid, angry but most of all, I feel an overwhelming sadness that seeps out of me and surrounds me like a blue aura that everyone sees and I have no explanation for it. Not a rational one that I could explain to people.

How can I feel something for someone who treats me this way?

I've been snappy and bitchy at work. I'm a wreck.

Most of all, I feel so alone.

I don't have many friends. My call log will tell you that I have 3 people that I call consistently. I hear that as you get older, that number shrinks and shrinks and I think about dying alone. Morbidity aside, I wanted DK. From the moment we hugged goodbye after our first date, I wanted him and I let my guard down. I over-extended myself and went out of my way. I gave him my body and my heart and I felt like he wanted to give his heart to me but just wouldn't. Whatever his reasons, it doesn't matter, the end result is the same. My heart is broken.

Wynsters said I have to be the one to make the decision to stay or walk away and it just felt like deja vu. I broke one of my cardinal rules: Never go back to someone you've already walked away from. But I did because it was easy and because I thought I loved him.

Truth is, that last statement "thought I loved him" shouldn't be in past tense but since love is a verb, I have to stop loving him....

I feel like the choice to stop doing so makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from me and being sent through a meat grinder.

  This picture was on PostSecret this week and when I saw it, I wanted to cry because that's essentially what I want.

SO, this is the first no I will accept, delete the person from my memory bank and move on. Because a no from him is not a NO to my happy ending. And GOTDAMMIT, I will have my happy fucking ending.

IN other news, the book is out on most platforms. The official release date is November 10th...that's the date I hope it's out on ALL platforms...right now..Amazon, Kindle and Nook have picked it up. I'm hella excited.

Anyways...gotta go...Hurricane Sandy is threatening NYC with some major damage....we'll see how that works out.

2 comments:

Gorgeous_Puddin said...

Congrats on your book! You really wrote a book! Get it Girl! :D

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know exactly how this feels. Doesn't feel like it now but you will survive this too and get past it. ((hugs))

Mo said...

congrats on the book!

You will get through this heartache and slump. We always do; you just have to have the desire and the will to do so.