Sunday, October 7, 2012

goodbye my friend

fear no longer follows me in the night when dreams are missing
like your arms around me.
i miss you.

my heart is no longer whole and i reminisce on days when you held it in tact
in the palm of your hand
and i was so eager to lap at the fountain of you

i wanted to be your everything
and you
wanted nothing from me

i never wanted a 1-sided love
i wrote books of poems for you

always wanting
wishing
hoping love would be enough
i would be enough
until i had enough

you ruined my perception of what love
is
was
and what could ever be i

gambled myself on you
and lost

and i

relish the days my heart was whole.
without these cracks
and places where the pieces never fit together again
there are holes where plaster can not fill
the voids
where men who were boys
and boys trying to be men
ripped apart pieces of me
and left me

wanting
everwanting more

from the next
wishing the were
what the last could never
i should never have given you

all of me

what else could i expect
of girlhood love wanting it be real
hoping that
it would be different

there are rooms in my heart being renovated
space being made for others but your room is always filled
the dresser still has your clothes
and no matter how many eviction notices are posted
you live inside of me

and i just want to be free
but i can't.

and you
you've moved on
and i am still here
with the remnants of the girl i used to be
molded into a woman struggling
against the bitter cold

it is always winter in this drafty heart