Tuesday, May 24, 2011

know your role

(continuation from last night)

Inner Goddess: We have a new booyyyyyyyfriend.
Me: No we don't. We have a nice guy we're going to date. He's not our boyfriend.
Inner Goddess: *pouts*

I boarded the train and sat with all intention of writing a post about my date with DK.

Inner Goddess: *cabbage patches* We have a boyyyfriend. I said a boyyyyfriend.
Me: Shut up! How old are you anyway?
Inner Goddess: *hums* mmm mmm mmm a boyyyyyyyyyyfriend.

*man walks on train* *sits across from me*

Dude: Excuse me sista...can I talk to you? I hope its no bother.
Me: Its no bother.
Inner Goddess: No bother at all because YOU FINE!

He was at least 6 feet tall, dark-skinned, neatly dressed in jeans, gray cardigan with a white shirt underneath and clean white sneakers. His hair was a low fade and his goatee was neatly trimmed. What I kept staring at was his full juicy lips. They were the type of lips a girl like me (thin-lipped) could get lost in.

Dude:Do you have a man?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: No
Dude: You're too cute to be on this train by yourself this late.Where are you coming from?
Me: A date with this guy
Dude: Oh, is he special?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: Not sure yet. We'll see where it goes.

He then proceeds to tell me about his girlfriend of 17months who hates children because she's not able to have them and how she doesn't really like his son even though his son lives with him and his girl. He then proceeded to tell me about how he's trying to get out of that situation and he's looking for a friend. And can I be that friend? All my instincts said run but when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.

To prove to IG that DK is NOT my boyfriend. He is just someone I am currently dating.
that I happen to like.

Today, we had Bible Study and afterward, I told a girl my church about TN, the end of my celibacy, him taking advantage of me, the aftermath...how I felt so disconnected from God and how I didn't want that to happen again. I feel lust for DK and my natural instinct is to feed on that feeling - make it grow big and strong and then cut it up into juicy steaks and feast on it for days. (if you catch my drift)

She said a lot to me about the situation but the one thing that stuck out to me was something our pastor said to her:

"Do whatever you want. If you want to go to the club, drink, have sex...do it. God will forgive you but He will not use you. Do you want to be forgiven and live in whatever sin you feel like doing or do you want to be used by God?"

I'm so disrespectful...my first thought was "I want to do whatever I want and be forgiven." but that's not REALLY what I want. I thought about my dance and how I love to dance to glorify God and how heartbreaking it would be to dance to glorify God and to show others His love and magnificence and no one gets anything out of it. Worse, God says..."Oh yea, you're moving really pretty but I don't get anything out of it. No one feels anything."

So, I have a choice. DK wants me to go to his house tomorrow after work to chill and hang out. I know I usually fall into the trap where I want to have sex but that is ME.I initiate it (in all cases except for Blair and TN)... and so I can choose not to go to his house and figure out a date out that's cheap and fun or I can choose to go and trust myself. Talking to my friend, I told her this...

Me: I like being affectionate. I love to kiss and hug.Kissing and hugging leads to other things.
CP: Why do you feel the need to be affectionate?
Me: Because it makes me feel wanted when I am and they are back to me.
CP: That's a legitimate need. How did you fall into that pattern with your last relationship? You didn't just one day open your legs out the blue.
Me: Right. I let him touch me and then I let him see me naked and then I let him do oral and then he penetrated me and it was too far but it was also too late and he didn't stop.
DN (another friend): You need to be upfront about where you are and have control of your actions so he knows you're serious. If you feel like you're allowing yourself to go too far, stop.
CP: You guys should be group-dating. That'll take the pressure off.
Me: Yes but we don't have friends in common.
DN: You need to trust yourself. Stop and think instead of living in the moment and then regretting it once you're done. Its not worth it.
Me: Its not.
CP: Living the way we do - being celibate and living for Christ - it takes sacrifice. The things we sacrifice are the things we really like to do.

The conversation went on....

Inner Goddess: Why do you like sex?
Me: I don't really LIKE sex. I like foreplay. I like making men's bodies shudder. I like exploring and playing but the actual penetration bit means nothing to me.
Inner Goddess: So, why do you do it if you don't get much out of it?
Me: Most of the time with TN, I did it because he liked it. He never made me climax or anything but I compromised because I didn't want to lose him.
Inner Goddess: Sad.
Me: I know.

DN: Yea, don't be afraid of losing men because you're not ready or don't want to have sex. If they leave, let them leave because clearly their motives were all wrong.
Inner Goddess: Kindly leave my head. Please and thank you.
CP: Its true. Most women have sex to keep a relationship going when if you take that away, there's no real relationship.
DN: For me, it was..okay, you know I'm a Christian and I want to wait til marriage but if you see me compromise in this way...when the time comes, you will compromise for me.
CP: Yea but that never happens and then you feel like...you gave up something sacred for nothing.
DN: Yep and the last time I had sex, I got pregnant. Man oh Man! Having a child is no joke.
CP: So why - after all you've been through - would you go back and have sex with this man?
Inner Goddess: In hopes that it really will turn into him being our boyfriend.
Me: I don't know.
CP: {Pray on it. God will reveal it to you.
DN: Yes and you control you.

And there it goes folks...

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