verklempt.

I was so excited about going to The Makeup Show today that last night, I really couldn't sleep. It was excitement plus all day yesterday, my pastor was teaching about finances. The sermon was about how to manage your money and there was a third service (we have a 9am and 11am service) at 6pm about how to get out of debt.

sidenote: my pastor is awesome! he challenged people to cut up their charge cards.(store charge cards are evil.) and also any credit cards that they've maxed out/owe a high balance on. 4 people came up and cut up their cards...do you know he paid 1/2 to all of their balances. 2 people had $300 balances, which he paid all of it. 1 person had $975, he paid $500 of it, another person had $5,000 and he paid $1000 of it. that is A-mazing! he said God told him to do it to be a testimony of his power and that they could be free if they will it to be so.

he gave us some practical tools to use and some great advice and i really need to do some thangs...

but part of what was running through my mind was my conversation with trish on friday night.

she asked about my ticket to texas, my driving lessons, etc. i haven't paid for anything. sunday night, i checked on how much i would spend on 1 class...close to $1000...to go per semester is $3000 but i can't just be a f/t student because i owe my previous school $2819... *sigh* i just felt so stuck. i'm not traveling. i'm not driving. i'm not going to school. and its all because of money.

i went for a job interview on friday...very last minute - they called me at 8am for an interview at 11am. i would start on mondayand the guy was so weird...but he was offering $18 per hour which is nothing to scoff at right now. needless to say, i didn't get the job. and of course, i was thinking...i could do what they wanted me to do (data entry) in my sleep while using my tongue to type. why didn't they pick me?

i was feeling so...just...stuck. i was looking for another word but that's the only one that fits. i'm searching like mad for a job. i have all these strategies and things i want to do and i'm believing in God and its not happening (fast enough.)

and my mom is still mad at me because i didn't spend any money on her for mother's day.

so, i woke up late this morning. i woke up at 10 instead of 8. i realized my phone wouldn't charge. i tried to turn it off, i tried different outlets. nothing. then, i wanted to look hot for the makeup show. every look i tried looked stupid. finally, i settled on a light gold shadow with leopard spots that were black and on the inside gold and teal with teal liner on my lower lash line, honey cheeks and nude lips. great. my spots were off. i wiped the whole thing off and did it again.

there was just this feeling of disapppointment and (not hopelessness) but just...like...ok ANOTHER thing. so, i get out of the house at 12 (instead of 10 as i'd planned)...i get off at the wrong stop on the train thinking the tmobile store was on 14th street when it was actually on 23rd st. the makeup show was on 18th st. i walked from 14th to 23rd only to be told that the problem is not my charger but my phone. its in warranty (since its only a month old) and they ordered a new one. BUT they didn't have any loaner phones to give me.

fine.

i walk back to 18th street.

and i was so overwhelmed. there were people everywhere. every booth was swamped. there were drag queens on stilts, women in body pant, men with nothing on...their bodies just had leopard and zebra print glitter decals on them. seminars were taking place, panel discussions....people at booths trying to get your attention.

and i didn't really have a lot to spend. i wanted to get some brushes, nars illuminator, occ lip tars and maybe a new foundation and a new blush... all on a $60 budget.

brushes that are usually $40 were $10. blushes that are usually $20 were $5. it was insane. i kept crusing by the booths i wanted to buy stuff at but it was just too much and i needed some semblance of sanity to be able to make a good decision (since i don't have money to burn on something i can't take anything back)....i ended up buyin these bamboo handle green brushes. i got 8 brushes for $43. i went by that booth like 3 times before i bought it...

i was feeling so out of place...so not worthy..so just broken in spirit that i wanted to leave.

as i'm walking down the stairs...no one other than sam fine, celebrity makeup artist walks by me. he's such an inspiration to me. do you know...i didn't speak. i actually started to tear up. like a little girl...i started to cry and so i turned my head and let him walk on by. let me tell ya'll...I DO NOT CRY.

i was just so emotional...i didn't get a lot of sleep. i was by myself in this huge place with all these people arond me but feeling all alone (like always). i was kind of broke (like always). my phone was dead and i had no way of even connecting to anyone i knew in any way. i was worried about money and how i was going to buy a loaner phone and buy food and pay for my transportation. and how all i want to do is go to school and drive but those things seem so out of reach. and i'm drowning in grief and am lost. just...so much.

i decided, hell...i paid $45 to get in this joint..let me attend a couple of seminars...which i did and they were inspirational and kind of set me straight on what it really means to be in this industry.

and *drumroll please*

i really am not sure if i want to be a makeup artist anymore.
i have the skill but do i have the passion? what messed me up was thinking i would have a career automatically and trying to live off of it from the beginning. all the celebrity artists were doing free jobs for about 2 -3 years before they could assist other artists and they were assisting for 5-6 years (assistants don't get paid well or regularly. one of the agents said an assistant may not get paid until 6 months after a job was completed.) soooo..it was so silly of me to jump in feet first.
i was so wrong and thinking i was going to make my living off of this has totally polluted it for me. of course, i have a lot to think about...but makeup artistry needs to go on the back burner for me. (it already is) but even more so.

so, i left and went to dance rehearsal for church. 2 hours of a new dance that is african-inspired. my knees and back are killing me from walking all day and then dancing at night. i'm really hoping i get a good night's rest.

just pray for me ya'll.