pre-maritals

I should probably explain where I've been and such but I won't.Not yet anyhow.


I slept with Carter Saturday night. It was ah-may-zing.

He'd been messaging me ever so often to tease me about how much I'd let him go. It was apparent that he wasn't going to do the same for me.

Fine.


We were supposed to go out last week. Our wires got screwed up. Or rather, mine did. I've been really busy and so when he suggested that we go out to BBQ's Sat night, I said yes. When he further suggested we dine dutch since he had to pay for his family's Thanksgiving Dinner, my bank account relented and I asked him to my place for movie night.

Minutes into the movie,I was on his lap. We were kissing and petting. I got off of him and decided that Interview with a Vampire was way more interesting for about 5 more minutes before I turned to him and said...do you want to go to the bedroom?


He did.


Twin asked me what did Carter do to make you enjoy him so much? Simply, he knew what he was doing. There was no question, no fuss about condoms. He just put it on. He worked my body. He was agressive but not overly so. He has a beautiful penis. He was clean, not hairy at all. The size, the girth of it - is very perfect and he knows how to work it. It was all very adult.

After we cleaned up, we talked about his day..his work while he looked at some stuff concerning his book and I was BBM'ing Editor. He came back to bed and held me with both arms. I felt small and safe curled up next to him.

We both slept like babies.



The Morning After


I ordered breakfast for us. We ate while watching Happy Feet which I dozed off in the middle of. I woke up just as it ended and walked him to the train station. We talked about the community and how we can build it to be better. He held my hand. I let it go after a block. I told him about my 5 year plan and how I want to create workshops for ladies with low self-esteem. He should be apart of it (his books are about dating and such)....



We got to the train station. I said.."Ok, I'm going to put you on ice now as you claim I always do."

He said, "Yea, you gonna ignore my phone calls and text messages now cuz you got what you wanted."


I fake slapped him.


He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Please don't be like those other girls and really do that."


"You're leaving in January. Is it fair to create this bond with you for you to just leave like that?"


"You think its going to hurt when I leave?"

"Won't it?"


He didn't say anything.


"I don't have time," I began, "to play games with people. I don't have time for a lot of things. I know you don't understand where you stand with me...There's so much you don't know about me. "

"I wonder why..."

I let him drop it. He kissed me goodbye. I wondered why...myself.

When did I become so closed off?


I feel the same tug of war that I felt with The Nigerian, except, I am he and Carter is me. Every time I get silent, I feel him saying..Talk to me. Tell me about your day. Tell me about your life. The words are there. They just don't come out. Maybe he understands a little.

I feel as though things have changed between him and I. I just want sex and maybe he wants a little more. He's husband material: kind, funny, smart and he understands what it takes to hold a house together. Whatever I want from him I could have. I know this to be true. So, why do I want nothing?