We ate brunch at a spot in Brooklyn around the corner from BFF. Brunch was delish but my company even more so. He made me laugh, he made me smile and blush and he made me frown. He has a girlfriend. Its a long-distance thing. Boooooo! The purpose of brunch was so that he could add me to his company for this webseries he wants to do. I agreed. I need more film work and really...when the person asking is THAT charming, how can you refuse? We met up with BFF for a minute. He made us laugh. We left BFF and then I left him. I got a hot chocolate from the local cafe. Ran into a makeup artist friend who was face-painting kids. Messed with her for a little bit. Went home.
I've had my intern for 2 weeks and *sigh*...she might don't make it. I can't deal with younger workers with no job experience. They always have an issue. I went through a lot with Namesake, my last intern who had a new issue every day.
I've been reading a lot of self-development books lately. "Eat.Pray.Love." was really intense. Jaded was kind enough to send me "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" by Iyanla Vanzant and Editor, who thinks I'm too nice with the men-folk gave me "Why Men Love Bitches," which despite its title has set me straight on some mistakes I've been making. I know all these books have popped up in my life for a reason...it all feels so heady.
I don't feel like my adequate, efficient, self-assured self. Most have blamed The Nigerian and breaking my celibacy but I think even without that whole fiasco, I would be in the same place.
RastaMan joked with me that 1 person can really mess up your life or complete you. You don't know which until they've done their damage. This is true, yes..but where do we lay in the whole mess? Where and when do we weigh our actions in the equation?
Anyway...I'm not in the space that I want to be in and I asked God for guidance and these books popped up out of nowhere. The message is clear...if you want to be this type of woman so badly, work for it. The work is hard. I've basically been doing it all wrong and what is required of me is that I dig deep into places where I've shied away from and deal with the root causes of where this STUFF comes from. Also, things that were ok aren't okay anymore...thus, a lot of stuff with my mom has been coming up. I'm feeling like she's the reason why I have this superwoman cape on all the time. Some time around the age I really needed some development in my womanhood...she kind of threw up her hands and was like..."I'm incapable of seeing you as a person separate from my identity. I'm incapable of being selfless enough to listen with my ears, heart and maturity. I'm incapable of being nurturing. I'm incapable of making you feel safe with me." and I said, ok...that's fine. I'll raise myself. In her mind, she's like...well, I gave you shelter, heat, food and clothes...that should be enough. Sadly, it isn't.
And now, I'm so vulnerable and the only people that see it are men with significant others and you guys who read my blog.
I mean really, what can anyone do to help me? I told BFF a few weeks ago..."I'm really having a tough time. I'm depressed." We spent maybe 15 minutes talking about it and that was it. I fought my way out of that depression and now I'm in limbo again...not happy. Not sad. Just trying to make "something" happen.
And so.......here we are and I'm forced like I said earlier to see where I went wrong and somehowp fix myself. Thing is, I am so...tired.
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