Release Me

(Another long one. I need to vent)

. I'm still dealing with stuff from the film. We needed it finished by Thursday. The director is in Mexico on vacation and he can't work on it and we're kinda screwed. My grandma is telling people she's not going to have a place to live. Why? Because I fell through and didn't take her to the bank today. Actually, my ride fell through. My mom called me crying because 3 of her cousins have died within the past 2 weeks. I've had a house guest with me since August 2nd, Brit and she's messy, whiny, bratty and talks too much. Other than that, she's a lovely girl. Being the quiet recluse I am, you can see the conflict and now we have a mouse terrorizing us. I blame her. The Nigerian and I live our lives in the gray area where he's not calling me as much but says we are together and I should feel secure but most things he does doesn't make me feel very secure.
Yesterday, I got my wisdom tooth pulled out. It hurt so bad. I usually don't feel anything but I felt the dentist rip my ish out. Now the bottom tooth is hurting. He says I need a root canal. Also, it hurts to yawn/open to put food in my mouth. I just can't win sometimes.

I had a thought of giving everything up and getting a regular 9 - 5 job. I feel like I'm failing in every part of my life and I just want to run away.

I'm not happy. I've been wanting to cry since Saturday and I don't know why. I'm hoping I'll have my period next week and that'll explain my emotional state.

I've been severely unproductive lately. What is wrong with me?

Everyone counts on me for everything and I'm just not on it like I used to be. I can't be everything to everyone but that's how I feel...like I have to be because who else will?

I just want to run away.

I know I already said that but that's just how I feel. I'm supposed to talk to my bf about my anxiety and what I'm going through but getting him on the phone for more than 5 minutes where we both are not busy has been a feat these past few weeks. Our schedules have us (when we finally have a minute) at his apartment, exhausted or having sex. We talk about bullshit. Mainly because we don't want to think about anything else going on when we're together.
I'm not really completely comfortable with our sex life. Part of me feels rushed into having sex in the first place and so I didn't get that chance to build that trust with him. Also, there's the thing with his age. He's 29. He'll be 30 in January and I think his man-clock is ticking. He babysits his friend's daughter and wants a child of his own. He keeps saying he wants to make me pregnant. I ask him why when he doesn't really know me well. He says because I am a nice person. I told him I'm not ready for a child. If I were to "slip up" and become pregnant, I don't know what what I would do.

Sometimes, I don't think he hears me. Or rather he hears but doesn't listen.

He has a habit of saying things jokingly but I take them seriously. I told him that I take everything he says seriously.

The other night he said, "I don't give a shit about anyone."

When we were together on Sunday...I told him that hurt me. He says.."Oh you're not anyone, you're Nina."

Then I went on to ask him if he were sleeping with other women. He says yes. I ask how many. He says 10. Maybe more. I ask..are you wearing condoms? He says no. I just started crying. Clearly, he was joking. I blame the hormones. He said...Are you acting or are you serious? My face gets all red when I cry. (Yep, even though I'm pretty dark) I'm like. I'm serious. Why do you say things that will hurt me when a simple yes or no will do? He held me. I don't think he apologized. He never apologizes. He just held me. I feel like a fool for crying in front of him. I never cry. I don't want him to think I'm soft but if anyone should know that side of me, it should be him.
Right?

He's guarded in so many ways...its frustrating. Like...on a random conversation...we were talking about each other's nicknames...he calls me ogbanje (long story) or Ni-Ni. I just shorten his real name. I was thinking of calling him BammBamm from The Flinstones (but he's never seen it O.O). Out of nowhere, he's like "I'm the king" and I repeated it. Then I said "I'm the queen." He shook his head no. I was like why? He said I haven't proven myself yet. I said, I am a queen. You just don't see it yet which is unfortunate because I really am a good woman. He said, why? I said because I just am.

Another issue is that I've never orgasmed through penetration. Of all the sex I've had...it feels good but I've never had the big O with a penis inside me. He's not that great at oral sex and he's ummm... not that well-endowed. (Neither was Afroman. When will I fall for someone who's swinging? Lol) Actually, Aussie was umm.. packing but never sealed the deal. I don't know if its psychological or anatomical or what but he hates that he hasn't made me cum. His solution is that we have a 3-some with either a woman or a man and have that person make me cum. He prefers a woman but he says its my choice. I've been entertaining the thought but I can't imagine him watching me have sex with another man or me watching him have sex with another woman. Every time we have sex he's like...oh imagine having a woman here to lick our nipples or if she were eating you out...I told him I don't want to add people to our relationship. He says its me and him and its just sex but I don't know. I don't want to give in only for him to want to do it regularly.

I just don't think he's invested or investing in this relationship. Every time he's about to, he pulls away.

I was going through so much today and I couldn't even talk to him.

There's so much on my heart right now. I'll just end it there.
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