lose control.

i went out with carter again tonight to a mixer where people from the entertainment industry go to network. it was so EMPTY when we got there and the host was pressuring us to buy drinks. on our way to the party, he asked me about my boyfriend and i told him. he was shocked. he could tell that i really didn't want to talk about it and so he made a joke about how i would seek revenge on him or something that lightened the mood.

carter is really fun. he's talkative, cute, tall, easy to be around and everyone loves him. i was telling him that i kind of felt guilty when things didn't work out with the nigerian. minus the big event that led to us not being together, i kind of felt relieved that i finally found someone i could call my boyfriend without hesitation. i felt like my friends are always with someone and i'm the eternal 3rd wheel. they kind of just dive into relationships and my love life is more revolving door than escalator. i REALLY don't want to be that spinster friend.

carter said that there's nothing wrong with my dating habits and that i should take this time to date. i should be wary of people who have boyfriends just so they don't have to be alone.

thinking about my love life, this past year and a half and even before then...i would say ever since i broke up with afroman, 3 years ago, my life has been very controlled. even if it were something that i couldn't control, like my job...i mastered everything in my love life. part of me feels like i've forfeited the chance to really explore and see what i want.

i'm not sure if i'm handling things well. by nature, i'm not a "spill your guts" kind of person. and so, the people i tell what happened, they feel real protective anger behind it and i feel like they want something from me...i'm not sure what it is. in true aquarius nature, i've emotionally detached myself from it because i don't understand the reasoning behind someone taking anything from me. also, i've never been in victim mode where i feel sorry for events i can't change. i'm just not thinking about it. i really don't even want to talk about it anymore unless its in this space where i can analyze my feelings when they come. knowing me, they won't come for some time. when my dad died, i didn't cry about it for a whole year. i just kind of shut down emotionally and i don't know how NOT to do that. i love my dad fervently.he was my best friend for a while.

and then there's carter. everyone knows me and tn broke up, a handful know why...but even on the surface, like..ok you and your bf just broke up about a week ago and you're with someone else. i'm not with him. carter told me straight up...his divorce is almost final from his wife. he's not trying to get into a relationship. i respect his honesty. i'm wondering if carter is a rebound or if he's what i really need right now. he's a listening ear, if there was ever anything i wanted to say, he gives me tons of affection and i'm really attracted to him and will probably sleep with him on friday or something...i really can't wait because if the sex is as good as the foreplay, it will be explosive.

i don't want a relationship. i want to be free. i want to fly at a moment's notice.

but either way..this post is about whether i'm dealing with the demise of the relationship, the "big event" that caused that demise properly. i don't know.

the whole thing with carter...i'm going to take some bad advice from Brit. She said...
"You're young. Have fun first and see if it will work later." Maybe its time for me to loosen the reins a bit and live a little.

i'm hoping my disjointed thoughts made sense...sorry guys...i usually formulate these things bettter.