Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Deep Psychological Issues

This post will seem really all over the place...advanced apologies but hopefully you can ride along..

YW said that she has abandonment issues. I think I may have detachment issues mixed with something else..not sure.

When I was 3, my biological mother died and within 4 months, my dad remarried. I guess I learned from that that no matter how much someone loves you, you're replaceable.

And as a child, I was always smart. Adults always talked to me as if I were one of them and somewhere along the way, they kind of forgot I was a child. I remember being 9 and my mom telling me in detail about the bills of the house and struggles she went through. When my dad died, no one comforted me, I was comforting everyone else. For as long as I remember, I was always being someone's rock.

I remember reaching out over and over again. I wrote a Last Will when I was 12. I told my mom in a letter I thought she didn't love me and I wanted to die.

Any other parent would have their child in therapy. Not mine! She accused me of doing these things to get back at her and that I wasn't being sensitive to what she was going through with my father's terminal illness.

I could go deeper but I won't.

Fast forward a bit»

None of my friends have ever seen me cry.

First thing I said to Afroman on Sunday was...I would tell you how I feel but it doesn't matter

It kinda sums up my feelings towards how my "regular/non-blogger" friends perceive my emotions.

My twitter feeds were kinda crazy today.

BFF texts me. Are you ok? Sounds like you're having a breakdown.

I tell her how I feel. No response.

I'm on Skype at work. Gina says I look tired and sad. I tell her. She goes...its gonna be ok. :) And then silence for 30 minutes as I hear her having a conversation with someone else.

I say all of this to say....10 years ago, people ignored me and I almost jumped off a bridge. No, really. All it takes is a moment to show someone you care. The strongest person you know still has a heart that beats, gets broken and hurts....all you have to do is listen.

Really listen.

And just because you're strong doesn't mean that you're invincible. Its ok to hurt, to show your vulnerabilities, and to reach out.

Hopefully, the people you reach out to have sense enough to hold on to you with both hands.

The biggest secret I have is how very lonely I am most of the time. Although I speak to people a lot..between both jobs, usually the only people that touch me, I've found through blogger/twitter.

And for that, I thank you.

Tonight, I will rest. Tomorrow, I will wake up (God-willing) exhausted as I do every morning and I will go on...right now, I'm drinking from the bitter cup of sorrow knowing...this too shall pass....
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

1 comment:

Trish said...

Yes, it will pass. Really sorry you're feeling this way and that none of your "real-life" friends are being that rock that you need. Sometimes people are so wrapped up in themselves they never know what the people closest to them is going through. I have learned to just talk out-loud to God at times when it seems no one else is around for me. Hope tomorrow is a brighter day.